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September 11, 2008 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | September 11, 2008 |

Thanks for the book recommendations and those of you who are starting on your own read-a-thong-tha-thong-thong. It started as a mission from God, became a challenge against Alabamapink, and I started a joke that kept the whole world singing. I hope this ends like the Penn and Teller movie.

I’ve lost count of the number of people this site has sent to rehab, fer the love of Christ. We’re like the Salvation Army for retards and social deviants. Instead of dressing up like Santa Claus and ringing a bell, we stand around in kilts and plaid skirts rugby tackling hipsters into mannequin displays. Chin that pint, you slag.

Now with the spanky new format, you guys are unspooling threads with tigrish ferocity. Sometimes there are just entire comment threads that are sheer brilliance. I can’t be bothered to pick one, I just recommend you go and check out the entire Zack and Miri section. It’s like watching first-timers do improvisational comedy games. It doesn’t matter what the original topic was, it immediately devolves into pet names for your privates, vigorous dry-humping, or screaming swear-filled tirades. Our political scathing is more about how many fingers you think Palin can take before she starts sweating. You people are degenerates, and I love it.

I tried to be democratic in choosing my temporary replacement. But much like any other attempt on organized parliamentary procedure, it quickly devolved into monkeys beating their chests and flinging their poo. People designed political posters, and made platform speeches. People kept throwing their hats in the ring, dancing around them with castanets, showing their boobs, and running for the hills. Every time I thought I had a clear choice for winner, they bowed out. Even when the heretics chanted for their emperor, the rally cry was shyly turned down. Mella would have made a hella queen.

It wasn’t an easy task, but I finally cast the bones, consulted my magic eight ball, and decided on Che Grovera. If Che chooses not to take his crown, or forfeits his duties, then a second candidate will be chosen. Che Grovera will be choosing the top ten comments of the week for the week of the 18th through the 25th. So you still get one more week of my tirades and diatribes, and then our dear muppet revolutionary will take the reins while I am drinking with you fine folks in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. The Khyber Pass, September 26th, late night, clothing optional.

Out of respect for our brothers in arms who have fallen, and can’t get up, I have selected 11 quotes this week. Because I do what I want!

11. You know, you people should appreciate the class and refinement that I *try* to bring to this interweb cesspool. Seriously, it can’t all be Long John Silver’s and Colt 45. — BarbadoSlim

I’m living proof that both you and my mother were all wrong about this. — Wednesday

10. [In reference to Ben Folds Five] Who are they again? Didn’t they sing that Crash Into Me song? — Lucas

HERETIC!! Back to the foul depths from whence you came! — eddie walker

Lucas … you son of a bitch. — Brett

(Lucas is steadfastly becoming one of my favorite commenters. Because I picture him totally hanging outside a middle school, with a McConnastache, drinking beer from a paper bag, and admiring the schoolgirls. That’s my turf, fucko.)

9. (Spike) Lee decides to cash in on a few others:

1. Do the Right Thing…AGAIN!

2. He Got More Game

3. Jungle Fever 2: When Nature Calls (Tagline: Black and White are Back and Tight! (it appeals to the “urban demographic) 
and of course

4. Most of The Original Kings of Comedy — Kevin Longrie

(Too soon? Bernie Mac! Now who’s going to sell Shia LeBoeuf a Transformer!)

8. It is truly a sorry state of affairs in the world when a young, successful, African American man still isn’t allowed to wear a belt to keep his pants up. Keep up the good fight, Little Wayne! — Skittimus Maximus

(Skit had a ton of good ones this week. Then again, when entire comment sections are devoted to schizophrenic railing against yourself, chances are you’ll fire up a quality one. Keep reaching for that shiny brass ring, Kuato.)

7. I will instead comment on the ad for The Women.

1. Annette Bening looks like Vanessa Williams. I guess they are adding color tinting to the airbrushing now as well.

2. Never liked Debra Messing and couldn’t fathom how she won an Emmy when she was the 7th funniest person on the show she was on. However, LOVE the photo of her on there with Carrot Top’s hairdo and looking like she’s ready to do a little tubesteak boogie. From the way Jada’s whispering in her ear, it’s probably Will and this is her entree into Scientology.

3. Jada Pinkett Smith…wtf is she in the ad for? When the high point of your career is being a glorified extra on A Different World and the two Matrix sequels, you don’t need to be in the ads, no one is going to a movie to see you. Hell, put Cloris Leachman on the poster, she has an Oscar, she was Frau Blucher and she was funny on the Bob Saget roast, at least she has done something. Wait a second, Jada was Peaches in A Low Down Dirty Shame? I retract my last comment.

4. I have nothing to say about Eva Mendes and Meg Ryan but this. One can’t act, and the other appeares to have had a lot of work done.

Needless to say, I won’t be seeing this estrogen infused pile of warm feces. I have a penis. And a brain. And both are screaming at me to run away from this as fast as I can. Usually they don’t work in sync, so if they are in agreement, I trust their judgement. — Rubble44

6. I nominate Vincent Gallo for the Riddler part. He’d deny Gotham his beautiful riddles out of spite, have Cat Woman blow him, make his own costume, direct his own scenes, play Batman, and appear in a clip after the end credits saying: “I sure do like the color brown. And pink. Pink and brown. If I had to choose, pink would lose” while his own music is playing in the background. Shine that Oscar, Academy. — Sofia

(If Vincent Gallo could learn to suck his own dick, he would stop making movies. Fuck autism, let’s start raising money to get that cuntpunter some yoga lessons. If he makes it, or breaks his neck trying, score one for cinema!)

5. zomg! I have to see this!!! I HAVE to see this!!! As a woman of color I have been waiting for the day when talented black actors and talented white actors can come together and make a fucking terrible Tyler Perry movie. And that bitch from Misery is in this. I love that white bitch!! —ms shai

(Hahahaha! Some stupid asshole’s gonna have to review the new Tyler Perry movie! What a douchebag. I hope they give it to the worst writer on the site. Like that fat kid who won’t shut his stupid beardy face.)

4. Alternate titles:
James Bond in: the Pythagorean Theorum.

James Bond in: Modicum of Gratitude.

James Bond in: Cubic Zirconia is Relatively Permanent. — Mella

(Mella and Sofia aren’t allowed to have a child together. Not because they’re both women. But because that much awesome will cause the stars to fall out of the sky.)

3. I once was forced to endure a roomful of my wimmenfolk relatives prattling on about their timing. “Oh,” my sister said, “sometimes I don’t even remembered when my period is! Tee-hee!”

I waited a beat, then said: “If I knew that once a month some guy was going to come around and kick me in the balls, I’d sure as hell remember which day it was.” — bucdaddy

(This is my fault. I said “hot pocket” five times in my comments, and now I’ve summoned non-stop chatterboxing about boxes.)

2. When your nauseating lady parts are too filthy for mere soap and water, use Lysol.
Lysol. Because he thinks you’re a pig.
Lysol. When Draino just won’t do.
“Whew! Are we having tuna for dinner?” Use Lysol or smell like a fish market.
Lysol. And why don’t you lose some weight while you’re at it?
Clean your cunt, bitch. Use Lysol. — Tracer Bullet

(Since turnabout is fair play, I give you your number one comment of the week.)

1. Husbands, have you been pushed out of the bedroom again? Relegated to the ugly couch in the den? Is kitty not purring when you’re around anymore? Perhaps it’s time for the handy-dandy Bat and Ball Funk Buster? In two quick steps you’ll be back in baby’s arms.

Step One: Unwrap the Defunkifying Wand from its plastic wrapper. Squat (either in the shower or over a toilet), hold the D-Wand in one hand, and your other wand in your other hand. Now gently, but firmly push the plush, non-caustic applicator into your penis-hole, swirling in a circular motion as you go. Pull the applicator out. (Caution: Do this slowly. If the plush end does not come out with the applicator, report to your nearest emergency room immediately.) Wrap the used applicator in its plastic wrap and place in wastebasket.

Step 2: Remove the Ball Bather from the box. Insert two AA batteries into the battery compartment as directed (see Diagram 1). Hold the top of the Ball Bather (see diagram 2) with one hand and lift your testicles up with the other hand. Use the thumb of your first hand to flip the Ball Bather’s power switch to the “on” position. Being careful not to allow your pubic hair to interfere with the operation of the Ball Bather (if this happens go to your nearest emergency room), run the moving brushes slowly around your testicles in a circular motion. Repeat until you have cleaned all areas. Using your thumb again, flip the Ball Bather’s power switch to the “off” position. Place it back in the box until the next use.

Now you can feel good about yourself again. No more worrying about that offensive odor. The Bat and Ball Funk Buster is guaranteed to get you back in the bedroom. — Cindy

Cindy, you were one of my forerunners for the substitute prick position on my off week, but instead we’ll just have to give you a T-shirt. Send an approximate drawing of your boobs, the prototype for the Bat and Ball Funk Buster, and coordinates for the T-Shirt cannon to dustin at pajiba dot com.

Che Grovera, drop me a line at priscogospel at hotmail dot com so that I may instruct you in the ways of the warrior. I know Mr. Che’s real identity, so any impostors trying to imposterize him will be banned for life!


The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | September 11, 2008 |

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