September 4, 2008 | Comments ()

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | September 4, 2008 |


I can tell that everyone’s really excited about the new format. But never you fear. It hasn’t affected the quality or quantity of the comments. Trust me. Now there’s even more places for people to get their fucking crazy on. Me, I prefer to settle back for “An Evening At The Pajiba.” That Swayze. Oh, what a man!

By the way, did someone nuke a bridge? There’s a massive proliferation of trolls starting wars all across the comments section, and there’s fucking Maryscott O’Connor raving around like the fucking cat lady hurling kittens of malice at the naysayers. We already lost Beckyloo to Obamamania. And that girl had a future.

You used to call me Crazy Joe! Now you can call me Batman! Allegations have been brought against the Eloquents Eloquence and the hard work that I put into this each week. Ugly words like “fraud,” “incompetence,” and “gubernatorial” have been bandied about. My good name has been besmirched. I would like to take an opportunity to address those allegations.

PBBBTTTHHHHHHH! PBBTBBTHTHTHTH! BWHAHAHAAHAH! SUCK IT! SUCK IT LONG AND FUCKING HARD! SUP FROM MY BALLS! SUCK IT DRY UNTIL YOU TASTE THE SHATTERED HOPES OF THE CHILDREN THAT HAVE YET TO COME FROM MY DESICCATED TESTICLES! SUCK IT!

You whiny fucks. Every week, the comments are chosen with the intent of garnering new people into the Pajiba fold. To encourage delurking. To give a hearty attaboy to the newbies who decide to peep up. And to occasionally herald the regulars who consistently fire out a funny. We’re trying to gather an army here, we’re not pinning a thousand medals on one man’s chest. Pissing and moaning gets you a paddlin’.

But I am a man who will fight for your honor. So here’s the deal. You think you can do it better? Put up or shut up, fuckup. You want to grab the reins on this fucking wild ride, Mr. Toad? It’s on. I double fucking dog dare you. Here’s the challenge. Essay sounds too “Third Grade What I Did For My Summer Vacation and Where The Aliens Touched Me,” so let’s make it a proclamation. Declare why you deserve to run the Eloquents Eloquence for a week. Why you are the best qualified. Post it in the comments. It’s gotta be less than 250 words, so right away that disqualifies TMax. (That’s right, Sybil, I’m talking to you, you fucking slavering buffoon. Running around here, trolling under seven or eight nom de plumes. I’d say you suffer from multiple personality disorder, but you have to fucking have one first. You write like the characters Oscar Wilde came up when he caught syphilis. Go drown in puddle of Zima, you douchepickle.) Best one gets to drive the bus for a week. You pick all ten of the best quotes and you even get to write hateful little diatribes. Now that’s a prize!

Holy shit, where’s the Tylenol. Gimme ten.

10. My friends and I have a bet, how many days until McCain calls Palin a cunt? — Pookie

9. Hi. Did everyone…and I mean everyone…smoke some meth before they posted on this thread today? I know it’s Friday but damn you people are off the chain today. And when I use the term “you people” I mean it in the most offensive way possible. I’m talking about Communists, Libertarians, Retards and Sex Addicts. Reading through this thread is like walking into an impromptu family reunion where everyone is drunk off their ass and bearing a grudge and possibly a deadly weapon.

*sniff*

I have never felt closer to you people than I do right now. — greer

8. Ratner’s a twat. Why not just make a movie about a kid who plays guiter and wins some cool shit and at the end of the flick, there’s a hot chick and some sweet-ass cars, and he, like, roundhouse kicks a bully’s head off and some fighter planes soar overhead dropping pornography? Why not just do that, and not ride on the coattails of a mediocre video franchise? Again, he’s a twat. —Skittimus Maximus

7. Hey! Hi, everyone! Thanks for your warm wishes. I just thought I’d mention that I’m totally over that whole addiction thing. In fact, I’m actually at a sex deficit currently, and my doctors have recommended that I take 5,000mg of sex three times daily until my, um, electrolytes get back to their optimal levels and my, uh mitichlorian count is down to normal.
Soooo, just thought I’d let everyone know that thr truth isn’t the only thing out there, if you know what I mean…

I mean my penis. My penis is totally out there. I’ve got it out and I’m swiveling my hips to make it swing counterclockwise. Haha! Check it out, it’s like a helicopter!! Who wants some? — David Duchovny

6. I remember when I first read Zac Efron would be in a movie about Orson Welles… It’s like Bob Dylan asking Gavin DeGraw to open for him. Wrong. Just wrong. I have to admit, though, Efron would make a killer Rosebud. — Sofia

How would he play an excellent clitoris?*

*Look it up. — Vermillion

By wearing a hoodie? — Julie

5. Oh. Please. You people are so freaking snobby. Bella is a totally feminist character, and any woman who can’t see that is probably ugly. She chooses her own destiny irregardless of what society says is an acceptable path for a young woman of today. And Edward is the sexiest character ever in the history of the written word. Every girl wishes she had a beautiful, devoted guy who lived for nothing but her. And yes, I seriously mean every girl. If I had a sexy, rich, mind reading vampire like Edward, I’d forget about college too. — Edward’sGrrl

Wow…you got me nailed there Eddie’s Grrl! Giggle! LOLZ! OMGROFLMAO! You are so totally right. And I love how you spell grrrrl. It’s awesome. You’re like, all punk and stuff you know? Like Avril Lavigne. ( I’ve tried plenty of new things. Like Coke II. Pepsi Clear. Josta. Surge. Know what I’ve found? It’s not new, and it goes down like total shit. It’s just the same old recipe wrrrpped in shiny new grrrphics and dumbed down for all the boyz and grrrls of today. I’m pretty sure my ‘Edited-By-PissBoy’ edition of Little Golden’s Pokie Little Puppy would rrrun miles around this series as far as charactrrr and plot development are concrrrned…and all I did there was trrrn it into a child’s frrrst bondage book.

No. I shan’t stop making fun… irregrrrdless of what you suggest. My frrrnd checked his penis at the doorrrr a long time ago and I’ll laugh at him etrrrnally. — PissBoy

(God, Edward’s Grrl. I hope you’re fake. But I’m pretty sure you exist in my own personal circle of hell.)

4. If Obama were white he’d be leading by 20pts.

And if your aunt had balls she’d be your uncle. — Sean

3. This is like my character from ‘The Departed,’ ‘Fear,’ ‘Four Brothers,’ all mixed into one, times ten.

Oh I love movie Algebra…
then divide by “I Heart Huckabees”, plus “Planet of the Apes” squared, minus “Rock Star” and take all the result and multiply by “Renaissance Man”. — branded

2. I’m betting you once thought that “proletariat” won a big horse race. — Maryscott O’Connor

1. I never thought Showgirls could get any funnier, but then I saw part of it dubbed in Danish. The pool scene sounded like the Swedish Chef being attacked by a shark. — firedmyass

08763-1.jpgAll I Need For World Domination Is Some Superglue, A Hammer, And A Squirrel

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | September 4, 2008 | Comments ()



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