Pajiba

Imagine my excitement when I saw a quote of mine used to title this article? segment? whatever the hell it is....and my insane, hormone-driven, ninth-month of pregnancy rage when I saw NO ATTRIBUTION. You're a thief Prisco, a big old thief and I'm mailing you my placenta in about 3 weeks.

I am so happy that firedmyass won, that quote made me cackle for a good 15 minutes.

I'd rather watch the Swedish Chef do anything...retiling his kitchen counter, eating lutfisk, borking a milkmaid...than watch Elizabeth Berkley chafe Kyle MacLaughlan.

My parents have an extensive collection of Bloom County books that I would read as a kid. And Doonesbury. I'm the only person I know born in 1986 who has an extensive knowledge of the politics of the early 1980's garnered entirely from cartoons.

Part 2,487 in an occasional series called "Why Genny is Weird".

Congrats to firedmyass.

You know, I don't remember reading any of the other quotes except for the winner. Firedmyass deserved to win. I laughed so hard when I read the Showgirls comment that I went back several times that day just to laugh at it again.

Ah, that's true Optimus, I do remember Sarina discussing how much she enjoys the gelatinous goodness of lutfisk. When she's not busy stuffing housewives in her woodchipper.

It took every ounce of restraint left in my body to keep myself from peeing after reading firedmyass's comment. And now I'm sweating. Oh, and my coworkers hate my guts.

And you won't hear boo from me about your choices Prisco. I certainly don't want the job. Mainly because I'd be really into it the first week, forget to do it the second, and then by the third week I'd be really interested in something else.

"When she's not busy stuffing housewives in her woodchipper."

Well, that part's totally true.

Fucking A+, Prisco.

250 words, huh? Well alright then...

Here is why I am qualified to attempt doing a Top Ten Comments - (hold on - that's thirteen words right there, because I'm gonna count the first sentence - I'm not counting this part here either because it's not part of my original entry - unless I have to because I already started the paragraph with "Here is why I am qualified to attempt doing a Top Ten Comments"... Screw it, I can do this regardless of how many words are left. 171?).

Anyhow, here is why I'm qualified: I am a very likeable person who can get along with almost anybody. I'm good with organizational skills, and prioritizing stuff. I also have a pretty good sense of humor sometimes and... Okay, seriously... do I need to count the stuff in the parenthesis? Because that's like, 67 words right there (unless numbers don't count as words), and I'm pretty sure I could use those to paint a better picture of what I can bring to the table.

Okay, I'm gonna use the rest of my words to really boost myself ahead of the crowd here... I'm qualified to do this job because I take pride in any job I do and don't do anything half-assed. I strive for... (does "half-assed" count as one word?) Damn!

Where was I? Oh yeah - I beleive... oops. Wait, "oops" doesn't count - that's just in regards to the spelling error and not towards th fiGRAAAAHGODDAMMIT! I HATE THIS GODDAM SITE!

Oh my God, Skits DID eat some lutefisk. He ate lutefisk and it broke him.

Ugh, Julie I just threw up.
...hold up - her period's a guy? That's even more bizarre.

Sadly, Ms. Edward's Grrl does actually exist. I'm surrounded by these fucknuts at work every day and I want to smash their glittery vampire obsessed fingers with my handy rubber mallet that I keep hidden in my desk every time I hear them mention how lucky Bella is to have some pale Volvo driving prick stalking, I mean, in love with her.

...hold up - her period's a guy? That's even more bizarre.

I know, it's weird right? I know when I curse out my period I call it a fucking bitch.

And thanks Sofia, but that Swedish Chef comment is a thousand times funnier than anything I could ever dream up.

I deserve to run the Eloquents Eloquence for a week because I'd cheat and give myself the number 1 slot, so I could win the free T-shirt.

(Must remember the following: Muppets + sexual reference + mauling by animal + terrible movie = freeshirt.)

Actually, I better not win shit. Take any of the good points I've made and do a complete one-eighty. I'm antisocial, totally unorganized, my priorities are completely out of order, my sense of humor has been entirely replaced with bitterness, I hate people of all kinds; dog-people, cat-people, Beatles vs. Stones people, spit-people, swallow-people, pro-life vs. pro-choice people, Democrats, Republicans, Playa Haytas, whites, blacks, hispanics, indians, asians, old-school vs. new-school people, Lego vs. Lincoln Log people, people who pee standing up, people who pee sitting down, people who debate sitting vs. standing, sci-fi people, fantasy people, creationism vs. Darwinism people, albinos - GOD HOW I HATE ALBINOS, men, women, a little bit of both people, gays, lesbians, curious in college people, and above all, my asshat of a cousin Conrad.

I don't want to even be considered - I will let all of you down. Not even joking here...

Unless this magically comes in a 250 words - in which case I'm just flat-out awesome...

Congratulations, firedmyass! Any winnings derived from a Muppet reference -- no matter how hilarious -- become property of the revolution; I'll take the Murdertank in a Large, thank you.

Oh, alright, I'll do this the hard way.

I'm the best qualified to run Eloquents Eloquence because I say so. Yes, that is is a nerf AK-47 pointed at your chest, Prisco! Don't let the blue fur fool you. I mean business. The absolute first thing I will do as your Comandante is to declare Pookie the winner. This will be an act of mercy on behalf of the citizenry unparalleled in Pajiba history. You will revere me forever! The rest I will pick out of my beret. Seriously. History does not care about losers.

Dear Mr. Prisco:

I used to run a very small boring blog read by about 3 people. I believe no-one should actually pick the best 10 comments, but I would let Jesus guide me to do his will and select the most Christian comments of the week. I believe the Pajibaverse is too controlling and that therefore those Pajibans who want to secede and form their own blogs should be tax-payer funded to do so. Anytime something beautiful (Clooney, Bale, etc.)appears on this page, I vow to destroy it by drilling for energy resources along its pristine image. I have never written anything for entertainment purposes or made a single decision relevant to the growth and enhancement of an alternative pop culture blog. My lapel pin is bigger then anyone else's. I am clearly the most qualified candidate.

I came in thinking that Sean's comment would take it, but that's because I never saw that line by firedmyass. Well done!

Frankly, I'm not qualified or worthy to run the Eloquents Eloquence for a week. However, if appointed, I will reveal the concrete evidence I've painstakingly gathered that proves that BarbadoSlim and Dustin Rowles are the same person.

Eeeehhhh Multiple Personality Disorder is now actually referred to as Dissociate Identity Disorder.

Sorry. But not really. What would this site be without pretentious arseholes pointing out each other's mistakes, right? (I blame all this Psych GRE studying, anyway.)

I regret to inform you that I shall not seek, nor will I accept, the nomination to run E.E. for a week. I ask that you all respect my privacy and that of my family. God bless you and God bless America!

I've read about it Paddy, and no offense to anyone who may use it, but my first reaction was "Ew ew God no EW!" It just looks squicky. And uncomfortable.

We are effectively scaring away all the penis-laden Pajibans.

Yes, Julie! More than one Can't Hardly Wait reference in 48 hours! Successssss!

...looks like someone's auditioning for Soul Train...

I bet Leonardo DiCaprio has one of those cups. He keeps Japanese flashcards in it so that he can study for more commercials while he drives around in his Prius. He can't keep them in his go cart, segeway, hydrogen car because they have no doors. So they would fly out. Duh.

Imagine my surprise when I tried to shove what appeared to be an 18 oz. slurpee cup (with straw)up my chute.

That is a particularly lovely bit of imagery, so thank you for that. I would like to quote Mr. Prisco at this juncture:

"Holy shit, where's the Tylenol. Gimme ten."

Hey PaddyDog, you know what's kind of freaky? Our minds went to the same ocean of inspiration (far to deep to be a mere well) for the EE submissions. And we clicked post comment within the same minute.

Get out of my head! It's too crowded already.

You should pick me to choose the Top 10 comments of the week because I have a vagina. If it works for John McCain, it should work for Pajiba.

That is a particularly lovely bit of imagery, so thank you for that. I would like to quote Mr. Prisco at this juncture:

"Holy shit, where's the Tylenol. Gimme ten."

And that's exactly how I felt, without being able to go all the way. The thing is ridiculous and huge, although I suppose there are those who enjoy that sort of thing.

Personally, I think you oughta do a top ten Pookie's Ponderings. It'd help ease the day-to-day pain, plus I think we could all learn a little something along the way. And who doesn't like to learn? That's right, Nazis.

Big motherfucking gulp.

Holy FUCK! That Bloom County bit is one of my absolute favorites. The "a woman named Frieda" phrase has become woven into my weird little marital language with Mr. Pink. It's a wonder we still have any friends the way we gibber on in our movie/TV/Bloom County/Calvin and Hobbes driven code.

My son is becoming indoctrinated as well. Last night during our car ride home, we were all being goofballs in the car. My husband blurted out some gibberish at my son to make him laugh, and without missing a beat, my son shot back in a most serious tone, "You are sad, strange little wagon. And you have my pity." (See the closing credits of Cars). I 'bout pissed myself.

As for the menstrual cup thing... yeah um I am content to fill landfills with my tampons rather than attempt to use a giant diaphragm to trap my menstrual flow. If there was any way to fuck something up, I do it. I know I'd be out in public and need to dump the damn thing and end up dropping it on the floor in the fucking bathroom stall of Target sending bloody goodness splashing all over some poor chick's feet.

Seriously, how do you apologize for something like that?

Yup. If it could happen, I would do it. I'm that kind of girl.

Hee, AvB, I work with five medical journals. One is about pelvic medicine and another discusses forensics, so often before lunch I get a juicy shot of a prolapsed uterus or someone who was eaten by a shark.

First of all, as a woman still, unfortunately, in her child-bearing years who has found no one to take the uterus I have so kindly offered to donate in a first-of-its-kind transplant procedure, all I can say to the Menstrual Cup is, "NO WAY IN BLOODY FUCKING HELL!!!" * all puns intended

Second, I would like to announce that I am running as an independent candidate for E.E. Chooserator!

I know many of you are unfamiliar with my qualifications to fill this vital post, in the event Mr. Prisco should be unable to fulfill his duties, due to a fall....or food poisoning....or someone cutting his brake lines.... So, let me tell you a little about myself.

1) First, I am a WOMAN!!! Apparently, in today's America, that is all it takes to become a candidate of a major political party for a major office--TITS!! And, I HAVE THEM!! TWO OF THEM!!!

2)I have no life. I am blessed/cursed with a job where I am on my own a great deal of the time, which means I spend inordinate amounts of time reading the drivel....I mean insightful, brilliant comments written by the astute Pajibans out there.

3) I also write a blog myself, read by ...
* crickets * anyone?

4) I love movies, TV and books, but I hate chick flicks, romance crap, Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives. I love alcohol, casual sex, things that blow up, cranky doctors, aliens, Godtopus, the Whiskey Baby Ninja Star, and my country. I am one of you!

So, to sum up why I should be your next Eloquent Eloquence Pickerator, I have all the necessary lady parts to qualify, time on my hands, blog experience, and love the same twisted, depraved, fun things all good Pajibans do. Please consider me for your next Eloquent Eloquencerator. Thank you. Humbly, dammitjanet

Also, I would just like to say that I am ridiculously indecisive (Mr. vB refuses to come to the grocery store with me because I once spent 30 minutes deciding whether to get cut green beans or French cut green beans. He finally said, "They're 39 cents a can... get them both!" then flung them both in the basket and dragged me to the checkout) so I would make a terrible EE chooser person. Besides, I'm pouting at the lack of mention of me, since I was pretty darn funny this week. I think maybe Pookie's right about this conspiracy...

P.S. I am old enough to remember Bill & Opus' first run at the White House, and now I'm old enough to vote for them!!

P.P.S. Menstrual cups--GAH!!

That's ok, Mella. I like the way your ass thinks!

God, you people aren't going to let me get any work done today, are you? Again?

The only practical use I can think of for menstrual cups is to hold the menstrual waste I want to fling at every greenie friend I have who tsks-tsks when I buy the oh-so-environmentally unfriendly tampons that I cannot live without. Next thing you know, they'll be advocating we all start handwashing rags the way our great-grandma's had to...and I echo the earlier comments of "ack" and "gah" at the very idea. I will recycle aluminum, paper, even orange peels but you greenies better leave my sanitary supplies the hell alone.

Anyone who is elected should know that we as Pajibanists reserve the right to assassinate him or her for no particular reason. It will be a conspiracy, of course.

Said conspiracy will then be covered up and be speculated upon for years.

Genny, you are not alone in being born in 1986 and reading Bloom County as a small child. Still have a slightly maniacal love of penguins to this day.

Why should I run Eloquent Excellence?

1. I am not Prisco. Much cuter in fact.

2. I am not a tree-hugging pinko-commie.

3. I am voting for Darwin in '08. Bring back natural selection!

4. Great movies do not involve the following: The word "movie", a celebutard, the actor/musician, Madonna, athletes, or George Lucas/Uwe Boll.

Thank you for your consideration in this matter.

Said conspiracy will then be covered up and be speculated upon for years.

Another way to quell any potential usurpers, just like implementing a new website format, isn't it, BarbadoRowles??

- I have candy.

Ooh. OOOH! What kind Mike R.?

[walks up to unmarked van with tinted windows]

Are they Jolly Ranchers?!

[adjusts knee socks, twirls pigtail]
[door slides open]

I like the green apple ones...

[peeks inside, vans peels away, a lone maryjane lies on its side]

>:(

I see what's up.

Julie, Yes to the Jolly Ranchers, though I also have plenty of Bazooka, Ice Cubes, and Scrumdidlumptious Bars.

I'd advise you to stay away from those Clark bars though...Beetlejuice gets pissed whenever I run out.

And it's not a van...it's a TARDIS. The only true vehicle capable of effecively conveying abduc...er, "companions" safely through time and space.

I nominate Mella. We all do. All of us. Gabba Gabba...

I will also take * ahem * campaign donations, in the form of Doctor Who collectibles, grain alcohol, or sexual favors.

Thank you.

Nononono! You don't understand!

I purchased Universal Soldier on DVD! I put ketchup on my scrambled eggs! My current perfume is Glow by j.lo! For the love of godtopus people, Justin Timberlake is on my Ipod!!

Can't you realize the potential for disaster!? Don't do it!!

Mella unlocked the key to the election...reverse psychology. Remind me, does that trump time travel? I mean, it possibly could. I just want to know before I make the effort.

(Oh, and under my administration, I'd classify Lindsay Lohan as a WMD, and lock her up in an undisclosed location where I'd have top men working on her...)

So that's how guys are gonna roll, huh? Fine. I have:

Swedish fish
Swedish Chef
Swedish Bikini Team
Swedish massage oil
A Volvo Murdertank prototype
A case of Absolut
Feather boas

Game over.

I know the Menstrual Cup (or Instead, which was the brand name I tried) conversation is long past, but I must share with 'Bama that the very scenario she fears would happen if she used one did, in fact, happen to me, except the gore did not end up on anyone else's feet but my own. And that was the first and last time I ever used one of those. Ahem.

Che

Throw in a Swedish-made penis enlarger and you've got my vote.

That's right. I quote mother effing austin powers, because I have no sense of decency.

Oh, my poor, dear Mella... You're far past the looking glass, my child. You are the one that has been chosen - the one who will rise up despite all odds and rally together the greatest of all comments - a lists to end all lists. A daunting task? Indeed. A test of perseverance in the face of deathly threats? But of course. A sloppy-drunk bout of tongue wrestling whilst the Devil himself slides a cloven hoof betwixt an angora sweater and your alabaster skin? There's no other way. YOU ARE THE CHOSEN! NOW GO! NEVER LOOK BACK! COLLECT COMMENTS AND MEET US BACK HERE IN A WEEK! NO SOONER!

...fare thee well, human child...

dammitjanet - please tell me there's cream cheese involved somehwere in the preparation of the pumpkin roll. Please.

So, Mella is taking over Prisco's job for a week? I should get to work polishing up my snark. I'm falling behind and probably not even close to making the top commenters of '08 list.

Throw in a Swedish-made penis enlarger and you've got my vote.

Posted by: Mella at September 4, 2008 4:30 PM

It's all yours, Mella! Never had much of a use for it. The warranty card is already filled out -- I'm sure you understand...

Does this mean the staff will ask us about our cycles so that every time we're riding the crimson wave there'll be a red dot next to our names in the comment section?

Posted by: Sofía at September 4, 2008 4:36 PM

Dustin assures me the site will remain avatar-free!

I'm in favor of Mella too...as long as she doesn't try to feed us generic Mac and Cheese. I'm a cheapskate also, but I gotta have the real stuff when it comes to mac and cheese.

I would like to submit myself for consideration for the Eloquents Eloquence position. I think I would do a good job because I am considerate, a nice person and would never abuse my pow... I got the job? DANCE, puppets, DANCE!!

Who needs an avatar? I was just talking about the name box. See?

Posted by: °Sofía ( ° = bitch is bleeding from her chocha!! and she smells!!!! AAARRRRGHHH!!!!!) at September 4, 2008 4:52 PM

AIEEEEEEEEE! It's hyperlinked, too. Ain't no way I'm finding out where that link leads...

As the proud owner of many chocolate bars, some of which are on the front-lines right now in my bagged dinner, I understand what it takes to get the job done right. I will not be taking chocolate bars home from the grocery store until the rest of the shopping list is done!

Also, I question the relevant candy bribing experience of these latter candidates. Tell me, have you ever worked a concession stand at a high school theater event selling nothing but candy and soda to the de-sugared masses? De-sugared due to the school system trying to do positive spin on a misguided rotating schedule that resulted in students eating their lunches off the floor in the hallways? Do you know how much sugar they buy and what it takes to get them to shut up and sit through the rest of the fucking show before I shove a foot up their collective asses for laughing at the football player singing in the chorus line for extra credit?

Cause I do.

That being said, I offer no bribe to win office. But I will say that I fully endorse all variety of chocolate not filled with poorly prepared/fake cherries.

Well, Sofia is Chilean and her site is in Spanish...el idioma de la Revolución!

Fuck this site. Every time I come here someone says something that I have no clue about and I go to look it up and it's some nasty disgusting thing that makes me sick the rest of the day. The last time I was here some chick had me look up a word and it turned out to be some mouse shaped cooter ginge and now there's this slurpee period cup and I can't take anymore. I only came here to see if it was true that BarbadoSlim was still around and this is what I get. YOU PEOPLE ARE SOME SICK BASTARDS.

Fuck this site. Every time I come here someone says something that I have no clue about and I go to look it up and it's some nasty disgusting thing that makes me sick the rest of the day. The last time I was here some chick had me look up a word and it turned out to be some mouse shaped cooter ginge and now there's this slurpee period cup and I can't take anymore. I only came here to see if it was true that BarbadoSlim was still around and this is what I get. YOU PEOPLE ARE SOME SICK BASTARDS.

Posted by: Phat girl at September 4, 2008 5:34 PM

Look no farther, Prisco. Phat girl should pick the Top 10 Comments of the Week.

I only came here to see if it was true that BarbadoSlim was still around and this is what I get. YOU PEOPLE ARE SOME SICK BASTARDS.

Posted by: Phat girl at September 4, 2008 5:34 PM

------------------------------------------------

WOO HOO! sounds like a date to me.

You are buying the beer, sugartits.

I deserve to run Eloquent Eloquence because I used to shove ice cubes up my ass and wiggle them around. Ten at a time.

Sorry for being Mr. Obvious earlier, Mella. Doing too many things at once, so I tried to err on the side of caution in my haste (i.e., easier to execute and to recover from treating you as too dumb than as too clever). Please forgive.

Also, please do not let me make the list on the week that Lucas is the Chooserator.

"The Mella & Lucas Happy Goddam Smile-Time Eloquence Extravaganza Bonanza Blowout"
------------------------------------------

Add a *Jamboree Spectacular* to that, and....have TK be the one drawn & quartered and I'm in.

I believe we are giving folks a never before seen look at Pajiba's dark rotting underbelly. THIS, *IS* how deals are made, not in air-conditioned boardrooms but in sleazy bars where afterward you go and pick-up a cheap hooker who might be a tranny like what happened to me that time wh...err... but, I digress.

Unprecedented look folks, unprecedented...

Part 2: Electric Boogaloo !!

I will vote for Mella.

But I need her assurances that she has a close family member who had a child out of wedlock as a teenager (or has had one herself).

I need to know her war record.

And I need to know it she owns an American flag lapel pin.

"IRREGARDLESS IS NOT A WORD - GAACK PFFfft! I don't care if it is in the dictionary now - it's wrong wrong wrong wrong!"

WHAT! That foolishness is in the dictionary? Now, I'll admit I haven't cracked open a Websters in a decade or so, but why..? You know what? Fuck this. Who has the keys to the Murdertank? That's some bullshit right there. Sheer fuckery.

I've been a long time critic of Mr. Prisco's work, if you don't believe me check the record. I saw through this charlatan long ago, but as usual pajiba's cool kids thought I was talking shit. Unfortunately Prisco wouldn't know a good quote if it bit him in his ass. Go to last week's top comment section and read my behind the scenes look into the inner workings of the top comments selection process. I should be working with Woodward & Bernstein they can spot excellence, but no, I'm around here wasting my time.

So then it's Jesus, Julius Ceasar, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King and...Pookie.

In that order.

Dammit, dammitjanet pull yourself together!

(what's the htmlabob for a quick, yet painful slap?)

You know this scenario's gonna go South faster than a Cancun co-ed on a Spring Break bender! Once the dust has settled, Conrad's entrails have been strewn from hell to breakfast, and the buffet table sneeze-guard has been torn from the hinges, someone's gonna have to step up and address the masses in a clear, calm, and relatively sober voice. And dammit, dammitjanet that voice has gotta be you. YOU ARE THE VOICE! NOW GO! RUN & NEVER LOOK BACK! COLLECT COMMENTS AND MEET US BACK HERE IN A WEEK! NO SOONER! THE WOODS WILL BE YOUR HOME DURING THIS TIME!

...and you'd goddamed better well come back with an American flag lapel pin...

Pajiba's Spectacular, Sextacular, Analacular, Fucktacular, Big Boobed Bonanza Blowout Jazzy Jamboree, Featuring the most Odious, Offensive, Violent, Vitriolic, Vagina-loven Vagabonds, Riff-raff, Scalawags, Zombie-fucken, Panda-rapen, Salaciously-strippen, One-Eyed Go-Go Dancin, Zombie Porn loven freaks... And a Girl Named Julie.

It's true. This man has no dick.

Serious charges have been leveled here, sir. the Pajibican Nation DEMANDS an investigation.

Ah, have you ANY, decency sir..?

Any?

I have an only-once-attempted-partial-insertion menstrual cup up for grabs.

Votes?

Have you, ever, been a male prostitute?

Claude,

Before I go to bed, I must thank you for your 'loose and limber' pep talk.

We need cool, calm, collected heads such as yours to "balance" opposing arguments & distill them into a needless, unpredictable subject when we finally realize how wrong-headed we were in the first place.

On that note, I still need to point out that your portrayal of the Invisible Man was WAY over-acted, given the exceptional special fx at the time, and considering I never saw your face at any one time, all the more incredulable- but you were a mere actor in this fx-driven spectacular, and overall you handled your (unseen) performance with vigor and professionalism.
Thank you for your concern, Mr. Rains.

{have not seen any further comments since 8:45 pm post- I look forward to a response to the effect that I'll never get the last word in, which never bothered me anyway}

*into

Fucking hell, TMax, could you whine a little more? It hasn't gotten tiresome yet.

Oops, my bad, it is :)

[He finally replied!!! He finally replied!!! And it must mean something since this is way later than you would expect a comment thread to run. Especially with everyone not at work and all of that. Oh my Godtopus. Oh my Godtopus. Okay. Ohhhhhhhkaaaay. Act cool Kash. Play it cooooool.]

NO PROBLEM! heh heh heh ::shakes uncontrollably:: It's cool!

That all sounds terribly exciting, jM. I love scandal and rampant destruction. If it were me, though... I'd just cut out letters from magazines and glue them onto note cards to make little swatches with each commenter's name, and put them all in a cardboard box and see which ones my cat might pee on. Simon has excellent taste, so I'm sure he'd pick the best ones.

Skit, "...and a pizza place" is not gay. Unless you're talking about that Pizza Hut on Golden Gate Ave. That place is full of homos. And by homos, yes I do mean full-fledged meat packers. Butt Pirates. Ummm, how do I explain this... Men who like to have sex with other men. That place is totally gay.

And thank you for calling me a "magnificent" Bastard. That's a much nicer way of saying it than the way everyone said it to my mom when I was a child.

jM *totally* has my vote! Also, if you disagree with her choices, she won't just sit back and take it. She has like 16 cousins and shit...It'll be all Old School Jerry Springer up in this bitch. (I don't even know what that means. I've never seen more than 11 nonsequential minutes of Jerry Springer. Is it even still on?) Sorry, went off topic for a second...

Actually, can there be co-readercommentgatherers? If so, then I'm fully behind Mella and jM. Oh and Sarina, too. Dudes, she taught her cat to "drop the kids off at the pool" IN the toilet for Godopus' sake. That's really something!

Ok, so to summarize - I vote - jM, Mella, Sarina and also Skittimus. Think about it - you get two for one with him, right? And really, I might as well add that I think The Boozehound would be fantastic at this as well. Mostly because he just makes me happy in my pants when he writes. And maybe I'd vote for dammitjanet too, because sometimes I read her posts and wonder if I wrote them and forgot that I wrote them.

I think it's obvious that I shouldn't be allowed to vote... or type while on opiates...

Not that anyone ever gives a SHIT what the #2 Commenter has to say about anything, but...

I'm with TMax.

On everything.

He completes me.

I am nominating myself to helm next week's Eloquent Eloquence. Why? Because I will do everything WRONG.

Posted by: jM at September 4, 2008 10:24 PM

There you have it. I have outlined a program of CHANGE, while my opponents promise more of the SAME tired, failed policies of the past administration.

Except for the ones with candy. They are evil seducers. Pajibans are not so easily fooled -- are they?

who will satisfy the pandas?

Posted by meaux at September 5, 2008 8:05 AM

Pandas are never satisfied. That is why appeasement cannot work...and why jM is so frustrated.

So how are we doing this? Are we running a primary, followed by our conventions, and then a mad dash to the finish? Because I'm prepared to take this to the end. I'm prepared to go on record, to debate my record, and record me going on record debating my record, so I can attach it to said record of my record, which will then be encompassed in to one big record. (Think an LP, but MUCH larger.)

Mike R '08 - Change, Hope, and UltraViolence
mrcontroversy.blogspot.com

P.S. Before anyone reads it, yes I did find Rumer Willis attractive in The House Bunny. I was desperate for entertainment, and she wasn't dressed as fugly as she was in real life.

Pandas are never satisfied. That is why appeasement cannot work...and why jM is so frustrated.

It's true. They are insatiable.

I would like to withdraw my name from the running for EE host. School is upon me and I am beset on all sides. But to those still in the running, if you help me payoff my campaign debts, I will ensure that you have the votes of my constituents. Also, I want a giant statue of Buddha made out of chocolate... and sixteen pandas, the freaky kind.

Holy shit... I got woozy when I saw my comment at the bottom of the list. But that was probably the Vicodin kickin' in. I'm very excited by this honor, and all sexysmart Pajibans are welcome to a party at my house. We'll stick cough-drops up our butts and play video games.

And, my impressive debut aside, I have no interest in taking a swing at the plate of Eloquent Eloquence -- because I crave power, not responsibility.

jM, you know us too well, you totally have my vote - to transfer as you wish. Are we really so transparent? Anyway, I see you ruling EE with your very own lap-panda, stroking it as Dr. Evil stroketh his Mr. Bigglesworth...this could be interesting. Damn school anyways.

*sigh* 9 am isn't too early to start, is it?

meaux, for you it's never too early. One, it's now Friday, so any time is good, and Two, it's always happy hour somewhere on the globe, so you oughtta fit right in. (And if it's a problem, I've got a new liver growing here for you - feign ignorance if Skitts demands to know where all those stem cells went. I take care of my crew!)

New liver?!! Awesome! Lordhelmet,you're the coolest MurderMaid captain ever!

TMax, buddy, all drinking jokes aside (temporarily, of course), you take care of yourself, my friend. Too much of a good thing...isn't necessarily so good. Besides, I already have dibs on lordhelmet's sweet, sweet life-giving stem cells.

Now, I must bid you all adieu.... I'm leaving on a bush plane (yikes) for a week or so of field work in the wilds of northern Labrador (double yikes). Don't talk about anything too fun while I'm gone! Ahh, who am I kidding. Just save some juicy stuff for when I get back.

Fucking HTML. I tried to get fancy with the comment URL field and it backfired on me. So no, the above link was not an attempt to mess with your mind, TMax -- it was a fuck-up on my part. Use this embedded link instead:

Che Grovera

*sigh*

You are relentlessly true to character, Slim, without a doubt. Most of the time I admire that.

Just for the record, I'm not prosletyzing, I'm not selling anything, I'm not interested in disrupting the Pajibisphere, and I'm sure as bloody fuck not trying to save the world or anyone in it. Just sayin'...

I would like to join the Pajiba Celebrity Poster Rehab Club for my sex addiction. I'm not sleeping around on my wife. Its because of my addiction to viewing Zombie Porn and Panda Raping porn. And now after watching the Olympics I might be addicted to buff-midget-pubescent-girls-in-leotards-doing-flips-and-splits porn. But only for that Sacramone girl. I swear.

Che,
I'm clicking on your link as soon as I finish this. Your post was classy, compassionate and really hit me where I live- yet another member of this Pajiba community that impresses me when I least expect it, & wanted to point it out for the other readers who may still be checking out this thread, since I've been a regular here since early 2005 & you are a most-welcome addition to this site (I had to work today, so I'm a bit behind my own self in responding, much to the delight of others I'm sure).

Hollas also to Meaux, Shadows, the most-excellent Skit, Julie, Pink, Pookie, lordhelmet, lillieanne28, MOSC, Sarina, Stacey, insert, so-called, Genny (jeez, too many to remember here, but that's all the more reason I keep coming back): I love hanging out with this crowd (and name-dropping), or else I wouldn't write so much bullshit that, as jM says, "TMax will drink and post something longer than this that he'll regret later." Thank you, jM, for your too-kind, pleasantly brief yet accurate description of my present lifestyle.

B-Slim, you would be the perfect friend to slap my drunk-ass face & tell me to lighten the fuck up amidst a great fantasy party with ALL of the other Pajibans (a dream I only continue to develop- great workday distraction, btw). Overall, I now feel so much better knowing that I can return to my favorite site without having to put on a suave, snobbish highbrow attitude just to inject a random opinion here or there.

So I now go to bed at a decent hour on Saturday night, so I can go to my Dad's house in the morning to make him breakfast & celebrate his 72nd birthday- he's ten times as physically, morally and mentally competent now than I've ever been in my entire life, and the coolest older guy you'd ever want to know- I'm so lucky to have a father like that...

Thank the good Lord he doesn't read my bullshit on this site.

Thanks for the entertaining, fulfilling discourse, all, and I wish you an uneventful, totally comfortable Sunday.

Gotta write Che now

TMax, my darling, my hamburger...

My email address is: myleftwing@gmail.com

It's readily available at MLW, but perhaps the site is a BIT too visually fucked up for the fucked up...

: )

Don't worry -- there's not a chance in fucking hell I'd ever let this christofascist neocon zombie brigade drive me back to the drink.

My sobriety date, in case you want to send me gifts and cash, is November 22, 1996.

And if you ever need anything, you write me and we'll exchange numbers. I think I can say with complete confidence that Che will say the same thing.

And BarbadoSlim, let me just say, in a pre-emptive strike against the way you roll -- kicking people when they're down looks really slick in print when you think of the individuals with whom you interact as mere 1s and 0s... not so much when you consider that the actual human beings they are might be, as I was on November 21, 1996, sitting in front of a computer screen on their second fifth of Scotch with a fucking razor blade on the desk and trying to figure out how to do it before passing out.

So, while I love your humourous contributions to this site and look forward to many more in the future...

... take your above-it-all hipster attitude toward this particular conversation, wrap it in barbed wire, dip it in reconstituted uranium and powdered glass and shove it up your rectum.

Say listen TMax If you've got some shit on your chest you wanna get out, it's probably best to seek counsel with a rep in your neck of the woods. Treatment and whatnot is dynamite, but joints like this aint' the best place to get some sort of focus. This clusterfuck is far too sporadic and throw down the first thing that pops into your head type of place... If you really are looking for something to help with the boozin', you might wanna hit your local AA chapter - you ignore all the religion crammed down your gullet and realize you're among others in your predicament, you'll be just fine...

Godspeed, little doodle...

TMax buddy--"suave, snobbish highbrow attitude" or no, we love you either way, goddammit, so take care of yourself!

...[T]his christofascist neocon zombie brigade? Aww shucks, Maryscott, we love you too! *heehee* Bravo to you, and to a couple of dudes around this joint (you know who you are!), for being living proof that you can decide to pass on the drink, and still be the fuckin' epitome of cool. Dammit, where were you people when I was the goody-two-shoes geek girl in high school?

*sniff* Now I'm going to miss you guys even more. Ah well, nature calls....er, I mean, time to go work in the wilderness!

Hey!

meaux -- Oh, sweetie, I wasn't referring to ANYONE on Pajiba when I said "this christo fascist neocon zombie brigade..." -- I meant the criminals in the Bush Administration.

Just to clarify.

I am beyond all that surrounds me, sleep is almost becoming a chore. I can see out into the distance and it is both light and dark. I'm trying to express myself not by writing but by jujitsu, every battle with my teacher is a time for deep thought about life. I've studied martial arts now for about fifteen years, I don't like fighting but I enjoy training to fight. I only come here to clear my head and to get lost in the thoughts of others. I've been a vegetarian about three years, it helps me empty out my soul. I tried many forms of eating, for a while I only ate every other day. In the beginning it was hard but the more I kept with it the more my mind and body went to a higher place.

I've found that, eating a lot a fiber and whole grains helps me to empty out.

Why do some Pajibans get so jumpy when other Pajibans get personal? We can mock celebs and Palin and talk about panda rape and oral sex... but when things get too real you immediately say "this isn't group therapy/the right outlet to seek counseling" or something along those lines. Maybe we're not asking for people to solve our problems or typing them for the sake of it. Maybe we're just trying to find some fucking empathy. And hats off to all of those who respond kindly to people who have the guts to bring up real problems. Yes, the Internet is a free media and everyone can say whatever they want, but being gratuitously insensitive and/or cold... I don't know. Maybe poking somebody's wound just isn't my style.

I've come to realize it's just the bad stuff that you don't tolerate. Dustin writes lovingly about his son and wife regularly, and other members of the staff also mention their significant others in their posts. That's personal, and we read about it without any objections. I think I even said "Awww" out loud after learning Lil' Pajiba is teething. But if a couple Eloquents mention alcoholism in an earnest, sarcasm-free way you ask him to kindly shut the fuck up.

If you just come here for the laughs and endless rants you can always scroll down and ignore them. I'm all for the fun, but I think I'm not alone when I say that a little reality doesn't bother me. Fuck: it's necessary from time to time.

I guess I'm trying to say don't take personal shit so fucking personal.

Just in case you thought I was being sarcastic Sofia, I really wasn't. I had had an awful day and actually wanted to know why people are so awful. But I feel better now.
I wasn't being sarcastic to Pookie, I actually thought he might say something clever back.

So Prisco, just out of curiosity, when do we find out the victor of this campaign?