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August 28, 2008 | Comments ()


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I Need The Original Sarlacc to Explain To My GF My Irrational Fear of Vaginas


The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | August 28, 2008 | Comments ()


When I was a child of nine years old, I attended a summer day camp, which finished off the year with a giant sleep over in Memorial Park in scenic downtown Quakertown. At midnight, the campers would take a haunted hike through the park and the woods where people would jump out and scare you. I was so petrified with fear within the first five seconds, I had to be carried on a counselor’s shoulders, sobbing and shaking through the rest of the hike, and constantly assured that it was all fake, and it was just my friends trying to scare us, and I couldn’t possibly be hurt. Still, I was a mess, and slept next to the bonfire the rest of the night.

The next year, I was in the hike, getting sliced in half by the Predator. The group walked up, and saw my bisected torso, stuffed with sausage and liver and guts hanging out. One of the counselors started dry-heaving because it looked so awesome.

For the rest of the time I went to the camp, I was involved with the night hike, eventually to the point that I was designing the story, and the special effects (which involved some years setting a dummy on fire and twitching it with fishing string so it looked like it was still kicking, pulling out someone’s eye, cutting a kid in half with a chainsaw, and the piece de resistance, a young girl with a torn out stomach looking for her baby, which was then smashed to pieces on railroad tracks) for the next couple of years. I brought up a whole generation of children on my scary stories, to the point where they all can now tell them.

Now, I write horror movies. And I still can’t walk through the woods alone at night.

What the hell is the point of all of that? It’s in reference to the whole debate about whether or not people are bad parents for bringing their children to see horror movies. Raise your kids how you want. If they can deal with the scary movie, if they enjoy it, if they are cool with the stuff that goes on, then I say why not? It might unleash their creative side. Someone’s not a bad parent because they subject their children to horrific violence or coarse language. They’re just raising their children their own way. My parents probably would have pitched a kitten had they known what I was being subjected to, but they also knew that I was raised not to be a dumbass, and everything worked out. Yeah, I was scared. But I got over it, and I was the stronger for it.

But seriously, if your child talks during the movie I’m watching, I’m going to throw them on the floor and stomp on their chests until I hit carpet. Just because you’ve decided that this child can handle the moviegoing experience, doesn’t mean I have to be a part of it. Take the seed outside. Leave it in the streets. Run it over with your car! And stop complaining that comic book movies and video games are too violent for children. It’s not my fault you breed. What, that stuff’s just supposed to be for children? Fuck you, and your horse with no name. My job sucks. Most network television sucks. I choose to come home, pop in a disc, and drive recklessly. Smashing into other cars with a stolen Dodge Charger, staining my hood with hooker blood and john stains, before shooting it out with the cops helps me from doing it in real life. I’ve often dreamed of letting the 101 Freeway run red with the blood of the nonbelievers as I churn them to shred with my ice cream truck of death. Your kid really wants to see Batman but it’s too upsetting? He really wants to play Grand Theft Auto: Kansas City Heat, but you don’t want him to? And now he’s upset? Good. Now he’s prepared for the crushing defeat of life. That’s worth the price of my Wii right there.

I welcome Alex the Odd to our writerly fold. Pay attention, because everything she writes about will eventually be sawed-off, fucked-up, and raped raw by the networks in order to fill the prime time slots. It’s all about the foreign remakes now, kids. And Alex, you’re doing a bang-up job, so enjoy it. Cause soon they will turn on you like the jackals they are. It’s only a matter of time.

Enough of this drivel! I feel like I’m in front of the DNC, but not hot like Chelsea Clinton. Let’s do it to it!

10. I thought you meant the winner of season four [of American Idol], and I was like…Carrie Underwood has a dick? That’s a trick. — Jaci

9. Why you gotta diss on community theater like that, yo? — boo

She knows what she did. (Ominous Music) — Jeremy

8. Let’s be honest, that Foucault reference was reaching. Really reaching. “The movie’s about prisons, let’s throw in some Foucault!” Yeah, no. C’mon now Stevens, your reviews are vapid enough without making yourself look like a dilettante. — markus

(Wow. I put that quote up here this week, because I want you to appreciate that it was actually SAID. It’s like the Crown Royale of Douchitude. There are plenty of assholes on this site, but seriously. This belongs on a Brown term paper criticism or muttered angrily before a heated fencing duel, but on a pop-culture website? You best recognize.)

7. Okay, Updike and Roth I get (I guess) but calling Irving a misogynistic pig? Seriously?

I’ve read almost everyone one of his books and as a card carrying member of the hotpocket society I call bullshit on that. So the dude has some minor hang-ups on prostitution, incest and old chicks. He also goes bonkers for bears, tattoo’s and random acts of inter species violence. It makes him quirky (and a fucking genius) but not a woman hater. The guy paints detailed pictures of complicated characters that make weird choices, but because they are so well written you root for them anyway. It’s true that a lot of his female characters are wounded or abused in some way, but so are the males. And even if they are dealt an unfortunate faith, that is often true for the world we live in. Or do you have to be “packing vag” (I don’t recall who introduced that phrase but it made me feel weird the last time I put on my jeans, like I should also have a holster of some kind…anyway) to write about women these days. He doesn’t push women in a victim role, he shows how people survive. How they find happiness (or content) in unorthodox places and more importantly, he never judges them. He just writes honestly about people that are as interesting as the crazy world they live in.

Misogynism is a real problem, in literature, in politics, in life. But calling people sexist pigs for portraying women in a way that might be perceived as unflattering to those who don’t look beyond the surface is part of the problem. Writing about whores and abuse victims doesn’t make you a misogynist. Calling your wife a cunt on television does… —Pants

(Hahahaaha. Hot pocket. I didn’t hear the rest of your words, because you’re a girl, and nothing you say is important. But at least you look pretty.)

6. As a super commited graduate member of a major fraternity (read: needledick frat boy) I have have admit that I love reading barbs about my adopted kind. Maybe it’s because I’ve managed to collect two degrees that are not ‘Communication’ or ‘Golf Course Management’ while avoiding VD thus far, but mocking my brethren puts a smile on my face. I feel a little guilty enjoying it, kind of like cheering for the Australian women swimmers because they’re hot.
And worry not, Pajibaland— college sorostitues won’t get the wrong message from them film: they’ve all already been whores for a long time. Especially the fat ones. — Johnny Frat

(Oh. Now, I get your point, Pants. Do you see what happens when you don’t read? You end up in a fraternity. Brothers don’t let brothers become brothers.)

5. Fuck a May-December romance. Fuck in right in the ass. I have had it with May-December romances. Ben Kingsley and Penelope Cruz? Hell to the fuck no. Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt in As Good as it Gets? Please. And let’s not forget Catherine Zeta-Jones and Sean “Oops, I Crapped My Pants” Connery in Entrapment.
I’m not trying to be a cranky bitch here; I realize that these relationships do exist in reality. But WHY?! Relationships of the sexual persuasion should not exist between beautiful young women and men with faces like catcher’s mitts who are so old they probably won’t even go down on a vagooter because foreplay hadn’t been invented yet back when they were honing their game. But maybe I’m just bitter. — Mella

(What you need to appreciate about Mella’s quote, is that for the entire week, she was bitching that we were all so negative, and that we all needed to just calm down and chill. But then this little font of rage burst forth. God bless you, Mella. You’ll be a hell of a cougar some day.)

4. Why is it that every time YouTube comes up in a movie the reaction tends to be “Not another lame attempt at appearing trendy”? I don’t remember this being the case when people started using the internet in movies (although Hollywood’s interpretation of “The Net” is still just hilarious to watch). Is it because we know that, in a year or so, any reference to anything on the internet will be groan-inducingly dated? Or is it that a movie paying homage to the power of YouTube is like a book about how awesome TV is? All the while you’re just thinking: “They have a point, I could be wasting my time much more efficiently.” —Macafee

3. What!? “Oops! All Berries!” is the shit. It’s like speed wrapped in crack and dipped in Red Bull. Once after one bowl, not only did I teach myself Portuguese, I also reset my grandma’s hip and punched a goat. It was the most productive half hour of my life. Yes, it’s like eating diabetes and when it gets stuck in your teeth you look like you went down on a rainbow. So what? A grandeza tem um preço(Greatness has a price). —jM

(I’m at the point, I’m just ready to give jM a special award of her own. I try really hard to be fair, but she’s always got one or five precious zingers every week. Someone’s going to have to bust her funny bone, or panda her out or something.)

2. I don’t understand why this review is so negative. This movie looks so good! The trailer had me ROFL in the cinema. Seriously!! And I totally HEART Anna Faris!! It’s not like all movies need a message that u agree with, Dustin. And u shouldn’t pick on people like Rumer Willis and Kahtarine McPhee, who have both really earned their success. They both work really hard and have loads of talent, and K.McPhee is soooo pretty!!

Also, you spelled ‘women’ wrong. Maybe you should, like, try spellchecking before postign or something?? — Candy

Conrad’s got a sister. Who knew? —jay

(And our number one this week….)

1. I love “The Office.” I love Dwight. I want to love this movie. Like I wanted to love “Walk Hard.” I have a thing for rocker movies (even rocker spoofs) because I was an amateur groupie with local bands at my college (meaning I was in love with a guitarist in one of our local bands and sufficed my love for him by dating musicians in other local bands). I now just live vicariously through rock movies. Why, oh, why do rock movies keep end up being bad? I know most people probably think “Almost Famous” is overrated now, but that movie made me want to be an entertainment journalist (and helps me continue to live vicariously through “band aids” “groupies” “fans” or whatever girls who chase rockers are called nowadays, and it was a decent look at the music world. Wake me up when they make a rock/rap/hip hop/r&b/musician movies that is worth the one night stand I’ll have with someone afterwards to re-live my youth. — Raye Raye

——
What do you want? It’s August. Not only are the movies sort of the dumping grounds, but the comments are getting there too. By the way, for those keeping score, the comments of the week are chosen at 8 PM PST on Wednesday before the column goes up. Everything from Thursday to Wednesday is fair game.

Anyway, Raye Raye, for your bandwhoring ways, you receive a T-shirt. Please send your approximate coordinates, sizes, and a pair of your panties thrown at Tom Jones to dustin at pajiba dot com.

Next week, same bat time, same bat channel. BBBQ. The extra B is for Bring your A Games.

OBAMA/BIDEN…BIDEN? Really? Delaware Biden?
He’s from where my credit cards come from!


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