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August 21, 2008 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | August 21, 2008 |

I love the Olympics with the fervor of the child of FAO Schwartz and Lego waking up on Decemberween. I have been staying up until 3 or 4 in the morning, watching every event, even the ones you hate. You see, I’m not a sports fan. I can’t quote you statistics. I can’t tell you who won the Cy Young Award in 1989. I can’t tell you how many championships the teams I root for has won. I barely understand the rules sometimes. Most of the time, I can’t even name players. I am a spectator. I love watching sports. Not just football and hockey, but golf, soccer, Stihl Outdoor Games, the X-Games, billiards trick shot competitions, all that shit. I will watch fucking curling if it aired on ESPN2. I watched Tiger Woods go into sudden death in a golf tournament and almost shit myself. I saw players drop the ball in the end zone. I even take off work or play sick during the NCAA. I love to watch people compete, pick sides, and watch them go to town.

So for me, the Olympics are the culmination of all greatness. I don’t care what the sport is. Half the time, it doesn’t matter which country is competing. It’s just awesome watching these insane sports and think that there are people out there who train their entire lives to do this stuff. Sure, Michael Phelps won a lot of medals in swimming, but did you watch the Chinese dude win the Men’s Badminton? He jumped up and smashed the shuttlecock like he was Eddie Van Halen playing Rock Band. I didn’t even realize there was a synchronized diving event. Two girls dive at exactly the same time. It’s insane. And it’s addicting. I’ve stayed up until 4 in the morning, watching the equestrian events. I napped during the marathon. I saw every one of Michael Phelps’ victories. Talk about an adventure. It wasn’t that he blew away the competition every time. It was that you never knew. Sometimes he won by more than a body length. Sometimes he won by a fingertip. That drama is the shit.

I get bugged out by people who are complaining that they’re boycotting because of all the civil rights violations. Oh, boo hoo, fuck you. Seriously? America ran taps over more Iraqis than a drive-thru baptism font next door to a trailer park, and you’re going to talk politics? This is about sport, assholes. The fucking dude from Uzbekistan medalled in the men’s parallel bars. Uzbekistan is younger than Miley Cyrus. You not watching NBC isn’t going to stop them from using girl babies to mortar the Bird’s Nest Stadium. You rooting for the girl from China to Strug-up her leg and lose the all-around IS. The war people, not the battles. The war. And as for the ones complaining that it’s gotten too commercial, show me a fucking sport that isn’t. I’m waiting for them to start buying advertisements at Pee Wee Football leagues. When Big League chew starts inflating rafts for pregnant Cubans to get the edge on Bubble Yum for sponsorship. Seriously, they’re at the point they’ll start sponsoring individual at-bats during baseball games. Manny Ramirez steps up to the plate in the Chick-Fil-A Sixth Inning Second Batter. And speaking of batter, doesn’t our chicken sammich taste not like a doily dipped in grease like the Clown’s fucking Southern Sammich? Bring back the Shamrock Shake, Ronnie, or I’m sending you McNuggets of Birdy in individually wrapped packets! Sorry. Got wrapped up in fervor.

The food fight was too good to be true, so I just recommend that you print it out and read it at your leisure. The Murdertank’s going to need struts and maybe one of those roach coach flaps to serve fast food and rocket-propelled vengeance. I’ve driven all over this fine nation of ours, sampling the foodities. Had the peanut butter and banana sandwich with bacon grease at Graceland. Ate those slices of NY Pizza that are the size of manhole covers. Got BBQ from NC delivered to me in Virginia. Would plan my drive home from college just to hit breakfast south of the Mason-Dixon, where you will find no better. Ate Amish goods. Had Mexican food in Albuquerque that was so good, I hugged my waitress. And ate chowdah at Boston Hahbo-ah. Seriously, In-N-Out is the best thing I’ve put in my mouth since pussy. But I would honestly kill your families for Butterscotch Krimpets. Tastykake has made me her bitch. I miss Wawa so much I can’t even finish my …

In case you missed it, here are some little known facts about Stacey:

— Nosek runs around the neighborhood naked except for a pair of Mickey Mouse ears and a Grouch Marx nose singing the Macarena at full volume.

— She shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

— I heard she shot the sheriff…and the deputy.

— I once saw her scissor-kick Angela Lansbury.

— I heard she has a fourth nipple.

— They say she’s the ghostwriter for Glitter.

— She’s the last Cylon.

—Nosek killed the fifth Beatle.

— She is Rosebud.

— LitelySalted isn’t just a screenname. It is how Nosek likes her enemies.

— I heard that the sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, and dickheads all adore Nosek. They think she’s a righteous dude.

— I heard Stacey found Nemo.

— Nosek is the Fifth Element.

— Nosek is what Mulder wants to believe.

— Stacey shot JR.

— Stacey is the last of the Mohicans.

— She is also my left foot.

— Stacey Nosek is the spy who loved me.

— Stacey did Dallas on Debbie’s day off.

— Nosek…is Kaiser Soze.

— ..and soylent green.

— Stacey tore a phonebook in half with her bare hands. And now Bucks County has two different area codes.

— Stacey can drink an entire bottle of wine just by staring at it.

— New Jersey will remain a state until Stacey decides Pennsylvania deserves a coastline. Then it will officially become “The Shore”.

— Stacey is what the dark is scared of…

— Stacey knows why the caged bird sings.

— There’s a rumor going around that she’s supposed to be the fifth face on Rushmore.

— Stacey was the twentieth hijacker…

— Stacey knows where Waldo is… all the time.

— This one time, Stacey Nosek punched me in the face. It was awesome.

— The sky is blue because it reflects Stacey’s eyes.

And now she’s doing Webster’s Is My Bitch all by her lonesome since we needed Dustin and The Boozehound to help stem off the onslaught of zombies. So make sure to visit often and show her Pajiba love. By slamming the douchewaffles from the other gossip sites that come on and show snark. It’s fun! And she’s expresses her gratitude in the biblical way. With a fatted calf. And suggestive photographs.

Fortunately, they pay me by the pound, so here’s a heapin helpin of TEN!

10. No… This place can not love Star Wars novels. It’s too much. I don’t know if I’ll be able to contain my love anymore. I’ll start waving my unmentionables in public with a Godtopus tattooed upon each cheek. And Tarkovsky love… I usually never want to tell others about this site. They wouldn’t understand. Now I want to ride a bicycle door-to-door passing out pamphlets. Have you heard the good news about Pajiba? They love Timothy Zahn and talk about Force Unleashed. But I swear they aren’t virgins! Tis miraculous, child. I speaketh truth. — Optimus Rhyme

(I love your handle so much, I’m glad I got to finally bring it to people’s attention. One my other favs ranked in at the Deuce this week, so score! But serious, virgins? These whores? They’ve been hammered and banged more than a Viking pinata.)

9. Sometimes a good analysis of a film (with gin!) that includes some of the more intriguing plot details and a discussion of the film’s impact on the world of cinema as a whole can actually convince previously uninterested parties that they may have some level of interest in it. Gosh, who’d have thought?

I mean, clearly this is a revolutionary idea, and certainly hasn’t been done by film magazines and websites, and this website right here, multiple times in the past, so I can’t blame you for overlooking the potential here and simply responding with a pissy comment about cementing people’s existing views. Obviously, people’s opinions are completely unyielding and unchangeable — that’s why “debate” as a process died out years ago and we now all solve our problems by beating each other with rocks and screaming. But in trying something brave and different, the Boozehound may have inadvertently opened the door for us all to a new, more enlightened age, where film retrospectives can make people actually want to see the film. Good work, Boozehound! —Shay

8. I’m sorry, I got sidetracked when I read the words “George Lopez” and stabbed myself in the neck. My, that’s an alarming amount of blood. I should probab.. ‘fasd ;ld
fz urk — TK

7. Mirror, Mirror, on the wall,
Which remade horror is worst of all? With unseen deaths and useless cast,
Could the Prom Night remake be dead last? Or what of babysitter’s plight,
Could When a Stranger Calls be the most trite? Mirrors, Mirrors, most unfavorable,
The Ring plus 24 equals no fun at all. —Robert

6. I’m not all that clear on the rules of manga, but my friend is teaching me, and this is what I know thus far:

-People with red hair are evil

-It is entirely possible to be over six feet tall, weigh less than one-hundred pounds, and not die

-All serious arguments can be solved by playing a children’s card game

-You can let your ten year old child wander around the world, unsupervised, throwing stupid little balls at fire-breathing dogs, and Child Services won’t mind at all.

-The Buster Sword is completely realistic

-Bad mouthing Aerith is grounds for evisceration

-Cosplay isn’t weird at all

-Neither is wearing school uniforms outside of school — Jeremy

(You, sir, should witness Comic-Con. I saw a dude who pretty much hit all eight of those qualifications.)

5. The performances were all stellar, even including ScarJo, who I generally couldn’t find any less appealing. Cruz was amazing, and even though I bat for the other team, I found myself longing for one romp in the hay with Marie Elena. It seems like it would be the kind of sex that you’d need to name afterward, ala Dorothy in the series finale of “The Golden Girls.” So you have to give it to Woody. If he can make a tried and true queen start to wonder about the mysteries of the hot pocket, he must still have something up his sleeve. — Shane

(Hahahahahaha. Hot pocket.)

4. Ranlyt, I hold no reservations that this is going to possibly suck donkey testes, but you have to understand…it’s been a year and a half since ANY 24 has been aired, and Jack Bauer is sorely missed. Did you know I’ve actually been told I’ve taken to sitting in front of the television every night from 9 to 10, in a trance, and regardless of what’s on I shout Bauerisms? (I was told that I once shouted “Tell me where the bomb is” while scowling at the Chinese president during the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.) I can’t live on reruns and Bank of America commercials alone…Jack Bauer needs to get his ass back onto the television, otherwise I fear I’ll go into full withdrawal and start watching…oh God I hope it doesn’t come to this…I’m gonna start watching inferior shows like Grey’s Anatomy for entertainment! I need help… —Mike R.

(True story: I have never seen an episode of 24. Never. And yet, I’m choosing the best shows on television. Twisting of the KNIFE! Honestly, stupidface assclowns,.

3. Can I just say that the entire POINT of the original The Women was that pretty much the entire cast were catty, back stabbing bitches set to destroy each other? What I like to call a real chick flick. I got 10-to-1 odds that this new The Women (with the exception of Candace Bergen) is going to be about them all having a Full House moment over a few Cosmos while sharing an understanding of all things female (insert funny PMS joke here) and sharing meaningful looks about their respective husbands and how “they just don’t get it” (insert funny Men are From Mars joke here) and how they know they’re not all REALLY backstabbing bitches who steal each other’s mens, so they’ll all go shopping and buy each other Jimmy Choos. Or, you know, The Sex and the City movie. It makes me sad. — Ava

(Hahahahaah. Hot pockets. Hahahahaha.)

2. A friend took me to Chinatown this past weekend for a “surprise.” I was hoping it was going to be a mogwai, but it was just lunch at some restaurant. — DarthCorleone

(One of my other favorite user handles. Dude, don’t get me started on bad birthday gifts. One time, my grandfather gave me a broomstick. I thought I could use it to play Quidditch from my rooftop. Spent my birthday in intensive care. Worst 28th birthday ever.)

(And for the numero uno. Drum beat, please!)

1. RDJr was so fucking hilarious and so on-point, me and, like, 4 other Black people, voted unanimously to grant him an Honorary Negro Card*. *Limit one per customer. Non-transferable. May not be used in combination with the Ghetto Pass. In some cases, Card may not be recognized by all Negroes. May be revoked by any Negro and any time. Does not grant the card-holder the right to start dating Black women. Expires immediately when holder is video-taped/quoted uttering racial epithets, giving too much dap to other card-holders, befriending Diddy, or voting Republican. Void where Prohibited. — Ciji


Apparently, I only pick people of color to win. I guess I’m America in about three months. Booyahchaka! It’s because black people are better at everything. Even at being C. Thomas Howell. Let’s pray they never learn hockey, or else, takeover complete.

Ciji, for your humorous statement of stating things, you will receive your very own Pajiba T-Shirt! Please deposit one buffalo nickel, a CD of Stevie Wonder’s greatest hits, and two complimentary Honorary Negro Cards to dustin at pajiba dot com.

Well, that does it for this week’s installment. I’m gonna go watch some more unpatriotic commercialism. Until next time, may the wings of liberty never lose a feather.


The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | August 21, 2008 |

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