August 14, 2008 | Comments ()

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | August 14, 2008 |


The best part about drinking with half of the Pajiba Pantheon is watching how it totally saturates the articles for the rest of the week. Dustin goes off on a tirade about LA and hipster douchebags because the guy from the American Apparel ad put on his little brother’s cowboy costume and tried to play William Hung in an Irish pub. The Boozehound writes about nothing but liquor and wine this week, because he’s a true alcohol aficionado, which my chafed ass can attest to after hiking down Wilshire to get to a bar where we could get something other than PBR. Daniel can’t even bear to slog through the Trade Round-Ups because he’s been too long away from my smiling face. The TV Whore is trying to wrangle up the Philly Pajibites to get their drunk on, because our hang was that much fucking fun. (Let me know how that rolls, kiddies — I’m gonna be home the end of September for a wedding. Cooter handshakes all around. I’m looking at you, Pissboy.)

My bitter attitude this week towards my reviews was mostly due to the fact that every day cannot be like that one. Drinking with the fellas was even more fun that you think it’d be. Genuinely, we’re as zingery and snarky in person as on the page, perhaps more so, and we all drink like fucking champions. Our only regret was that we were missing our other confreres. But even I would be hard-pressed to demand people get on a plane out to the Left Coast. Boston still sounds like the perfect place to get our drink on. Save me a stool at The Pour House.

I was going to begrudgingly bow to boogs with Mamma Mia breaching the $100 mil mark, but then I read his defense of Tom Cruise. Hold on a second there, Walter One-Cheek. You unashamedly adore musicals. You love Tom Cruise. You…you’re John Travolta, aren’t you? Mr. Bungle was right! Boogs is just an acronym! Brotherhood Of Openly Gay Scientologists! Motherfucker! Batten the hatches! We’ve been infiltrated!

And I resent Sirkickyass’s assertion that he would write the most reviled and least commented column on our site. I believe I already do that, good sir. You think it’s easy wading through this dreck? It ain’t exactly Dorothy Parker up in this motherfucker. It takes tens and tens of minutes each week to randomly select comments with darts. Printer ink isn’t cheap, rhino anus.

As for “The Sopranos.” the tan half of me is Italian (The pasty half Irish. What I’m looking for in an ideal mate is someone who can take a punch.) and I supported the show from Season 1. I watched every Sunday with my parents. When I was living on credit cards in grad school, I went without meals so I could afford HBO. When that money ran out, I had my sainted mother videotape episodes and mail them to me. Even as the series got navel gazing and less whack-worthy, I defended it to the bone. And then they stuck me with the fucking last episode. And now it’s dead to me. You hear me? FUCKING DEAD! I won’t ever watch it again. I won’t watch anything those bastards do. I stopped eating at fucking Denny’s because Paulie fucking advertises for it. DEAD.

I’m still pissed that my alternate pick didn’t make it to the list. “American Idol” is the most influential show of all time. It even turned the Bravo channel gay! Justin Guarini, respect knuckles, dawg. Doylestown, in the hizzy!

If it weren’t for that home ec accident in eighth grade, I’d still be able to count to THE TEN:

10. I’ve golfed once in my life. I claimed I had the shanks and proceeded to get wasted. Only way to golf. — Captain Steve

9. Sometimes I worry that I’m a hipster douchebag or a pretentious snob, and then I remember. I’m a friendless, fatbeard geek with a Batman poster on his wall. Framed.
It’s good to know who you are. — Lucas

[Fatbeard is totally my new pirate name. Shiver me timbers! To The Red Lobster! Full parachute pants ahead!]

8. “The Pineapple Express lives up to its hype about as well the prospect of ridding yourself of that pesky virginity” — from Dustin’s review

I don’t know, those still rank as the best 30 seconds of my life — BarbadoSlim

Showoff. — branded

Did that include the 20 minutes of crying? — Shadows of Dakaron

Well, that makes one of you. — Kolby

7. I can’t decide what’s creepier: 1. Pajiba reviewing a Toby Keith movie. 2. That American Apparel ad with Porn ‘Stache gettin’ sammiched in the 70’s. 3. That 70’s fashion could be considered essential. 4. That the Scientologists (all hail Xenu) have an ad on the site. RIP Bernie Mac and Issac Hayes. — JH

6. Dear Toby Keith,

Thanks for makin’ sure American knows what it takes to be a man. Also, when’re you gonna do a movie about The Taliban Song?

Much love and respect,

Dubyah

P.S. Daddy saw Merle Haggard and I’m supposed to tell you he said “fuck off”. — Ava

5. Dear White People,

For years, we’ve had to sit back and listen to you guys rail on about Tyler Perry and his somewhat questionable skills. We’ve prayed for a savior to come and wash away all the sins caused by Mr. Perry. Finally our savior has come, and he goes by the name Toby Keith. Long live Toby, may he stay in the public eye to remind us all of true greatness. — Pookie

[Daaaaaaamn, crackers. We got served.]

4. Frankly, I’m disappointed to learn this movie [Pineapple Express] isn’t about one man’s life-affirming train ride across the Hawaiian Islands.

But not nearly as disappointed as I was when it turned out the filmmakers behind The Dark Knight had decided to take a vastly divergent path from their source material and cast someone other than Martin Lawrence in the leading role.

That’s the last time I dress up for a movie premiere…. — Macafee

[Oh, wait, nevermind. Thanks to the Publishers’ Reapinghouse Sweepblacks, the only black comedian left is Martin Lawrence. Whitey, back on top.]

3. To summarize what Mr. Rowles was trying to say here:

The list is the list now SHUT YOUR PIEHOLES. — BarbadoSlim

Shouldn’t that be cakeholes for those in the crowd who are pie atheists? — lordhelmet

Wouldn’t that just be a bundt? What kind of insult is that? — Che Grovera

[I’m forever going to refer to people as bundts. When I’m pillaging them as Fatbeard. I was so glad Dustin decided to come out and elegantly explain away the whole Best 20 of 20 situation, and smooth out the wrinkles with no hard feelings. I know everyone, especially myself, gets attacked for causing strife and mayhem on the site with our immature and petty ways. But when things end peacefully, it’s always a nice reminder of how dignified we truly are.]

2. Sirkicky’s comment was waaaay long, and I’m feeling strangely generous, so I’ll translate for those of you who can’t be bothered to slog through that hot mess:

Dear Pajiba:

I hate you. You suck. Everything you do sucks. I hate you SOOOO much. I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you. IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyou. Also, you suck and I hate you.

PAY ATTENTION TO ME! OH MY GOD PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME OR I WILL CRY SNOTTY BITCH TEARS ALL UP IN HERE!

I hate you all, and I’m soooo much better than you, but I cannot stay away, and I cannot EVER shut the fucking hell up about it. Sometimes I get painfully erect when I talk about how much I hate you. Also, I sleep with dolls made from the printouts of these columns.

….that I hate.

OhmygodIloveyousomuchpleasepayattentiontome,

Sirkickyass

— Sarina

[Ahahahahaha. You hurt my last feeling. Ahhahahaahah. I hate you all.]

[Oh, Sarina, you’ll eventually get the top spot, but I had to vote with my heart.]

1. It isn’t that the motherfucker made a movie called Beer for My Horses. It isn’t that lynching puts a very bitter taste in my big black mouth… (big sigh)

It’s that I went through years of studying and busting my ass to fucking pay for tuition at one of the most prestigious art schools in the fucking world. Watched, read and mastered the techniques of the god damned greatest filmmakers in the world. Wrote, wrote, and re motherfucking wrote numerous scripts. Gophered on practically thousands of bullshit sets. Dreamed, and reached to create meaningful and moving cinema, and when I pitch a well planned moving story to an exec he tells me that the idea isn’t what they are looking for…

But this shit is. I sure could use some of Willie Nelson’s sticky icky right now.

I mean Bernie Mac is dead and Toby Keith is making movies?

Fuck you, God. Seriously. Fuck you. — gamal

——

I hear you, brother. I have to work a shitty desk job to pay the extra $800 that constitutes my monthly student loan payment for film school. I could be living on the beach for that shit. Paying off film school is preventing me from having a motherfucking film career, cause I can’t afford the time off. I can’t give you a break, my man, but I can give you a fucking T-shirt. See you on YouTube.

Send your reel, a $135 festival fee, and your vital information to dustin at pajiba dot com. No coming of age shit or black and white, asshole, that shit is PLAYED.

Squidditch loves the little children, all the little Pajibabies of the world. Until Thor’s Day rolls about again, please remember that Jim’s makes the best cheesesteaks. It’s why you go to see concerts at the TLA. And it’s what makes Michael Phelps swim so dang fast.

CTHULHU ‘08

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The Best Season of the Last 20 Years! Ha ... We Kid. Oh, and Eff You.


The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | August 14, 2008 | Comments ()




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