film / tv / streaming / politics / web / celeb/ industry / video / love / lists / think pieces / misc / about / cbr
film / tv / politics / web / celeb

July 17, 2008 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | July 17, 2008 |

Do you really think you could confine the glory and revelry that is Pajiba to a mere single entry on Wikipedia? To chronicle our exploits as if were an assemblage of sword wielding rodentia and one giant Jesus Kitty? Can you imagine trying to explain to someone the significance of Godtopus, the MurderTank, and TK’s sweatervest hordes? Well, then get on that shit. I mean, it’s fucking Wikipedia. You can pretty much do whatever you want there. It’s the final frontier: as lawless as “Deadwood” and legitimate as the massages I get from Skittimus Minimus.

I wanted to go on a whole long-winded rant about the Twenty of the Twenty today, defending our decisions, correcting misinformation about Adult Swim vs. the Cartoon Network, explaining all of our individual personalities and the manner and methodology behind everything. But then I remembered. We don’t owe you shit. You can piss and moan and rant and rave, and it won’t change shit. Since we love hearing Morgan Freeman curse, here’s a brilliant quote from Lean On Me. The fire chief is trying to get into the school after Joe Clark chains the doors to keep out the riff-raff and hoodlums. Clark says, “You know what he’s saying right now? Black bastard can’t throw me out. Do you know where he’s saying it? Out in the parking lot.”

I will also be in attendance at Comic-Con this year, for the first time ever! I kind of have a yellow belt in geek. I don’t know much about comics, but I started reading some graphic novels under the expert tutelage of His Excellency, Vermillion, and I must say…wow. I’m not much of a gamer, but I’m kind of interested to see what happens when Marky Mark Wahlberg plays Max Payne. But I’m looking forward to wandering around slackjawed, watching the overweight Princess Leias making out with pimply Gaius-i. If anyone else should be in attendance, I will be the rotund fellow with the oversized Pope’s hat and Pajiba t-shirt.

You people need to start to reading more. Get thee to a libarry! Ranylt and PaddyDog started an amazing literary debate over the merits of the memoir, and they were busting out some professorial shit. Personally, my feelings on the matter are, whether it’s true or not, it’s a captivating tale. Then Jay had to go and ruin it. Way to piss on the parade, you libarbarian.

God, this fucker’s getting as long as one of TMax’s Franzia rambles. Bend for the ten!

10.This was a movie out of which I enjoyed the hell (I have been working on my grammar specifically so that I may post comments here.) (Also, I like parentheses.) (A lot.). — Mella

9. Oh, and one of my favorite parts is how his mother keeps groping and feeling up his friend. I can only hope to be that way in thirty years. — katy

[In reference to our DVDs of the week….]

8. In order of listing: Maybe, Emphatic Yes, Emphatic No, Only if I’m Hungover. Man, it sounds just like going to a bar in Miami on a Thursday night. Or looking at a Denny’s menu. — Genny (Also Rusty) (Ice Pajiba — not to be confused with Ice Pirates)

7. I also chased a turtle. It outran me. Julie

6. GASP!* British sketch comedy soulless? I’m thoroughly and horrifically offended by this disparagement! What about Little Britain, the greatest British creation since the Earl of Sandwich invented Cheese-On-Toast?! Well… perhaps something was lost in the translation from British English to American English… it’s hard to laugh without the silent U in “humour”. Steak & Kidney Pie

[I see your YesButNoButYes and raise you a League of Gentleman. You’re my wife now, Dave.]

5. Am I the only one reading this and thinking “Oh, Gabrielle…”? I mean, she was in 10 Things I Hate About You and Bring It On, two of my formative “teen” movies. And she was awesome in both! Although I do note, with some dismay, that this is my second “rush to the defence of a Bring It On cast member” comment in the last three days, which probably isn’t doing a whole lot for my “film connoisseur” reputation… Shay

[Oh, Shay. You don’t have to worry about your rep. I love Bring It On. Plus, nobody knows who the fuck you are.]

4. What’s with all this anglophilia…. gin, british tv, proper grammar. Are you too good for American stuff, hippie? I expect your next review to be about bourbon and Law & Order. Don’t mess with me, boozehound, I have no compunction about reporting you to homeland security. — megbon

3. If you think Michael Ian Black’s comments are funny, check out the comments on Tucker Max’s site. Those people are keeping the Hilton, Lohan, and Pussycat Dolls’ careers alive. The only way I want this “fight” to “really” happen is if the rest of The State do a run-in and administer an ol’ school wrasslin’ beatdown, complete with steel chairs as Max’ “fans” boo and cry over their fallen “hero”. Then film the foolish thing and make it a bonus feature in the upcoming The State (complete series) DVD. Hell, I’ll pre-orders copies of that right now! David (No, not that one. The other one. The other other one.)

2. You know what, while Kicky’s on the subject, I’d just like to point out that Pajiba’s “Guides to What’s Good For You” are complete bull. Unless you can provide us with a signed document showing us that at least four out of five doctors ACTUALLY believe the guides to be good for us, I refuse to consider them valid. Do you really expect us to take them seriously when you actually call them guides to what’s good for us, when it’s nothing more than stuff YOU like and think that we might also get enjoyment from. Jeez, the nerve. Hell, I’ve been reading those guides for ages and I am STILL plagued with acute moistness, angina of the vagina, and cancer of the skank (er, that is, rainbow of the killer). You know what? Screw you guys. Liars. MO (Meaux)

[Now THAT’S satire. Or else Meaux’s a thundercunt. Either way, I loves ya. But you cannot possibly top this…]

1. I can say that I only watch the parts of the Scotish dad shtick. Since I being of Polish lineage was born with a gigantic cranium, I passed it on to my son. During the ultra-sound right before his birth, the doctor and I starting to quote the head-size jokes, while my poor wife laid there like a beached manatee with her stomach exposed. Needless to say, he is nine now, wears a 7 1/4 hat and his head does have its own weather system. If the two of us move in opposite directions at the same time, the tidal patterns change off the coast or Sri Lanka. — richmac

It’s spherical, yet quite pointy in places. I was going to try to gift you, richmac, with a copy of Rocko’s Modern Life (the Bigheads…get it?) but alas that does not exist on DVD! A heresy against modern man! I’m assuming you have a copy of So I Married an Axe Murderer of your own. So in honor of our very own Top 20 of 20, I’m giving you a copy of The Adventures of Pete and Pete, Season 1. Cause Pete’s got a giant fucking noggin on him. And because I love that fucking show.

Send two cereal box tops and a credit reference to dustin at pajiba dot com for all your dreams to come true.

So until next time, my Jibblets, keep reaching for the stars. I touched Jessica Alba, and mace in the eyes was so worth it.

WikiPajiba Is My Bitch

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | July 17, 2008 |

Emmy Nominations Open Thread

The Crow

The Pajiba Store


Privacy Policy