July 10, 2008 | Comments ()

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | July 10, 2008 |


It appears a solid weekend spent blowing shit up and drinking heavily have done the trick of calming down the ol’ waters of Lake Pajibawanalikmipeepee. While we had epistolary exchanges that would make Lord Byron shart his pantaloons, for the most part they ended in civility, which I always find refreshing, and downright kerfluffling. A flame war that ends in hugging it out? Where the fuck does that happen? Well, maybe the Hello Kitty Furry boards. Which is where I hear them two Jezebel chicks ended up after their dipshit shenanigans. Tell Stacey she can’t mock Baby Pasty? See what you get? Does that karma taste like it’s been marinating in Sharon Stone’s icepick holster?

Ah, it’s not their fault they’re not funny. They’re girls! They aren’t supposed to make jokes! They’re supposed to make babies and my dinner and knit me footy pajamas. Snug in the crotch is how I likes it. Get on that. Then again, if the Pajiban Overlords ever got together in front of a videocamera under the influence of anything, it would potentially be a clusterfuck of epic proportions.

I concur with my dear colleage the Telly Ho. While there’s always room for disagreement and bitchiness, at least you people are semi-intelligent about them. Sometimes you people are complete fucking assholes, but you’re our assholes, and we love you for it. Even when you are wrong.

But seriously, for my sake, can you cut your tirades down a bit? I have to skim the waters for gold, and it’s getting daunting. If your comment is longer than the article its scorning for lack of respect for the Golden Girls, it makes the baby Squidditch cry.

Now, for your ten delicious pineapple flavored mistakes:

10. Torture Pork + Musical + Paris Hilton = The Trinity of the Anti-Christ — Angelmonster

Haha I meant ‘Torture Porn’ above but Torture Pork works too. Best typo EVER! —Angelmonster

9. Vermillion, I never felt that anything was missing in my life until Morgan Freeman spoke those words. I was lost and then I was found. I was blind and now I see. And I would gladly take on a textile factory full of assassins if there was even half a chance of him calling me a “motherfucker” at any time.— jM

8. Oh, and the guy I’m seeing recently told me he likes Tucker Max’s blog. I’m taking it as a big red flag. Like, the size of Kansas big. — ShinyKate

So after looking around for more info on Tucker Max and the movement he seems to be a part of (because I actually have school work I should be doing, so naturally I’m doing this instead), I now clearly see the path to our impending Idiocracy. It is these men who are leading the charge. Run ShinyKate, run. — katy

seriously, ShinyKate, run! — Sycamore

[Thirty Helens Agree. I hope they serve beer in Hell, too. I hope they serve it directly into your colon via a fire truck manned by the Budweiser Clydesdales and one giggling Dalmatian.]

7. There is nothing that I would not give to see a Vin Diesel-The Rock love affair blossom. It’d be better than a warm basket of puppies delivered on a cool Spring day. With ice cream. And vodka. — courtney

The Rock is not allowed to be gay, he’s supposed to get me pregnant! — Claire

[Can you smell what the Rock is cooking? Cause he’s cooking with Diesel. Don’t raise that eyebrow at me, Dwayne! You’re the one running around in spandex talking about shining things and shoving them up people’s monkey asses.]

6. “Deet deet dee deet deet dee dee”

The night that my boyfriend and I first watched it, I started to make that sound and he jumped out of sleep and almost hit me in face. Worth it. Also, we have bags for laundry that look like the one in her apartment. I woke up one night to go to the bathroom and saw it moving and I screamed and kicked that fucking bag clear across the room. My cat has not forgiven me. —jM

5. It’s become old hat for Perry to recycle the same tired, trite Black stereotypes in slightly different packages each and every time he gets behind the camera. There is nothing new in his films, there is no unique directing style, no challenging of the preconceptions about black film makers. Perry simply panders to his established audience and pats them on the head while his other hand is in their wallet. — Manny

4. I thought she was kind of charming in Knocked Up. But, then I realized that she was really hot and decided to hate her. I HATE hot women. My favorite actress is Tyler Perry. — megbon

3. I’m pretty sure John McCain lost his virginity to Laura Ingalls Wilder. But that’s just what I heard. Homeboy is old as fuck. — Elle

Also, John McCain, in an effort to assure people he isn’t racist, explained how he caught Crispus Attucks after her was shot. — Vermillion

2. Also, it doesn’t disgust me like the “Barbarella” remake casting news…. sorry, but if there’s one thing I hate, it’s stroking your cinematic ego by blowing your own strumpet. — Nevermore

[And I know I just went off on a tirade about epic posts, but seriously, this is fucking comic gold, Jerry.]

1. I say that if Rainbow Killer wants some better writing or a meatier role, let her have it. The writers should let her live down to her old Pajiba namesake and give her a case of colon cancer. Don’t boo me. Hear me out. I didn’t say she should die from it. Let her get diagnosed in the first episode of the new season and let her spend the rest of the season dealing with it. Flipping out thinking that she’s going to die. Let the audience see what aggressive chemo can really do to a person (none of this Love Story sickness crap where a person becomes better looking the more sick they get). Put her in some really nasty hair-falling out makeup for an episode or two, then shave her head & eyebrows (and go sans makeup) and let the writers tell her they’re doing it “so that she can pull a Charlize Theron.”

And through it all will be her *new* man (I’m guessing fellow doctor (or even her oncologist)). A guy willing to give it her all and stand by her no matter what kind of freakish, troll-like latex prostetics the makeup people are giggling over that week. He becomes a rock in her storm, and she learns to ditch the shrewish characterization that became the 2nd season and start acting like a human being again.

Eventually, near the end of the season, she has to have surgery to remove the tumor. The surgeon decides that the only way to remove the tumor would be to go in through the anus.

In the final episode of the season, Rainbow Killer gets the operation and the last few minutes show her recovering. All soft focus and white light, with the camera focusing squarely on her while she’s slowly waking up. In walks the new man, and they have some soft small talk. It’s obvious to the audience that he’s beating around the bush, but Rainbow Killer doesn’t see it. He eventually comes to the point and basically says that he’s breaking up with her because after the operation, the sex won’t be the same.
A beat while the audience asks themselves, “Did he just say they had a lot of anal?”

The camera pulls up into the ceiling while he walks away and she lies in bed crying.
Am I suggesting the writers spend an entire season humiliating Rainbow Killer just to imply in the last minute that she’s a nasty skank who likes teh buttseks and the occasional Dirty Sanchez?

Why yes, yes I am. — longcoat000

I’m giving the assist to rio on this one, but to the victor goes the spoils. I prefer to remember people in their glory days, so I will gift you with Heigl’s finest film, Bride of Chucky. Oh, John Ritter, you left us too soon.

Send pictures of yourself in sexy Halloween costumes to dustin at pajiba dot com.

Until next time, my pretty pretties, remember, we’re all God’s creatures. Except nadine. She belongs to Xenu.

But before I leave you, jM, who already made today’s top ten twice, provided this image, which ties together so well with this week’s running theme.

pandalove.jpg

Godtopus (who just spewed hot liquid lava from his nostrils) thanks you for your efforts, jM (whose mother didn’t appreciate the graphic) and another copy of Bride of Chucky is headed your way.

z10400402.jpg

What in the Panda Raping Hell Are You Talking About?

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | July 10, 2008 | Comments ()



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