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June 26, 2008 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | June 26, 2008 |

Rollin in the wayback machine this week, and I must say, all this reminiscing has been clearing the cloud of rampant asshattery that had swept through the comments section this week. There were scattered showers that destroyed some major cities, but ain’t nobody give a fuck about Denver or Phoenix. Or Paul Haggis.

We’ve got a brand new category to get all up ons: Pajiba’s Twisted Masterpieces, helmed by everyone’s favorite Canadian scholar, Ranylt Richildis. Abandon all lunch, ye who enter here, as we’re going to be stuffing some sick buffets down your gully holes. A fine summer ham to the first Pajiban overlord who makes a commenter vomit with their selection. My money’s on Mesr. Stephens. Because the Dark Horse Shall Make Ye Boot. It’s in the bible. Somewhere near the back.

A hearty hoopty-hoo to our Man-at-Arms, TK, for his stupendous step-up to the challenge of schooling y’all on the finer points of country music. It hasn’t changed my mind, but that’s only because I like to make uninformed snap judgments and stick to them. Appreciate, chilluns.

You Am Flip Flops. Here de top tenses.

10. **15 days of 100+ heat in Texas, for Chrissakes! - what, did we arrive in hell and I missed the memo??? — Stella

[Stella. You didn’t miss the memo. Your fucking state tried to kill me three times, and has a warrant out for my arrest. Texas IS Hell. It’s in Sartre. Somewhere near the back.]

9. “mad chorus of hermaphrodites, virgin births, alien abductions, Catholic cabals and prosthetic vaginas sang in tune this time around…”

That’s not impressive. That sounds like an average pajiba comment thread. — lilanna28 (God Told Me To)

8. I remember when this won I was at a dorm Oscar watching party and Crash and Brokeback were the only two Best Picture nominees that I’d seen. I was pulling hard for Brokeback, which had been a deeply affecting and heartbreaking movie, while Crash was, well, see above. When they announced Crash, the room motherfucking CHEERED. Most of these kids were in the film school. It was the moment I realized that movies are made for shallow, self involved people by shallow, self involved people. — Genny (also Rusty)

7. I frequently judge potential suitors by their response to my saying “I was born a poor black child…” So far, the men of America are batting about .100. This country is going to Hell. — courtney

[Ironically, I met my girlfriend by asking her “Are you the Gatekeeper?” She shouted, “Gozer the Traveler - he will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldronaii, the Traveler came as a large and moving Torb! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the Meketrex supplicants, they chose a new form for him - that of a giant Sloar! Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Sloar that day, I can tell you!” Then she turned into a giant dog. That’s a keeper.]

6. Confession: I live in a smallish town in Montana and last year, on the 4th of July, part of our fireworks were choreographed to “Beer for My Horses.” Swear to god! I almost got tarred and feather for laughing through the whole spectacle and not giving Toby Keith the respect he deserved. — Lyl

5. I don’t understand why people take shots at award winning actors for doing bad movies. A long time ago in a city far…oh nevermind. When I took an acting class in college the instructor shot down a guy who swore he’d never do commercials or bad movies. The instructor smiled and said, “If you’re making a living acting, it doesn’t matter what the role is, you’re an actor. If you’re making a living schlepping a blue plate special, you can call yourself the King of France and you’re still a f***ing waiter.” — Timmer

[Not your bit. But still funny.]

4.”5. The Happening … It’s a movie about killer bushes, man. “

I thought that movie was called “Teeth.” —BWeaves

3. Ted,

You fucked up. As an angry, black, twenty-five year old born and living in Los Angeles I can tell you with all honesty that I always have deep philosophical talks with Ray Ray and Skillet before every car jacking. You see, by discussing social ills and reflecting on our current situations, we eradicate any thoughts that would prevent us from slapping some bitch ass pilgrim (white person)in his skim milk face.

Also, as a note to pilgrims everywhere. Black men in inner city Los Angeles do not hitchhike. If you accidentally pick one of us up, shoot immediately because it is a trap and we will take all your motherfucking shit (I promise.)

Haggis has done years of research on these subjects. He has been accepted by the world for his magnificent contributions to the world of film. His latest project is a 7 part series on the struggles of minorities during a racist conflict. The title: The Chronicles of Negronia. — Gamal

2. Well fucking thanks, socalled. This review has now turned me into the Cackling Black Woman in front of all these bitch ass pilgrims(damn) at Caribou Coffee. Now they’re all looking at me like I’m about to go steal their bikes.(either that, or they think I’m choking on my scone. Fuck it, if Paul Haggis has taught me anything it’s the former) I’m only here to steal Wi-fi, racists! Great, now I look like Angry Black Woman because I’m screaming in a silent coffee shop about racism. And I look like Loud Black Woman because I’m reading my post out loud to the screen. It’s not my fault. Black people just love to talk to screens of all shapes and sizes. We’re not screenists, unlike some people. Oh, maybe when I get arrested they’ll bring Matt Dillon to feel me up. Dammit, now I look like Jungle Fever Black Woman. What kind world is this? Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream (not the one about the underwater train) that one day I could act like a crazy fool and not have people say, “Hey, who’s that crazy black girl?”, but rather, “Who’s that crazy person?”. Person. — jM

1. James Caan’s death scene is the greatest ad for EZ pass ever made. — thaf

For your witty little quip, I bequeath unto you a copy of Misery, the greatest ad for Enterprise Rent-A-Car ever made. Enterprise, we’ll pick you up. So motherfucking Annie Wilkes doesn’t.

Please send your supplications and measurements to dustin at pajiba dot com.

Enjoy the rest of the Classics Week. Until next time, don’t trust whitey, the lord loves a workin man, and see a doctor and get rid of it. Boooiiiiiii!


Pillowfighting with the Bishop

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | June 26, 2008 |

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