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Wall-E: Serial Killer. Wait! What?

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | June 18, 2009 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | June 18, 2009 |

You guys. You guys. I love you guys. You, specially. Not, not you. You smell like a hobo. I don't love you. But I love the rest of you. You keep me, like, totally just *hic*, you know, sane. Give me a hug! Damnit, stop running. Why do they always run?

*Looks into the empty depths of the NyQuil bottle*

Who the hell drank all my medicine? I'm dying here, people! You don't drink a dying woman's cough medicine? Why do you hate me? What have I ever done to you? And after I told you I loved you, this is how you repay me? Well, fuck you, pendejoarghbrgh...zzzzz.

*shakes head, lifts head wearily*

Oh, God. What the hell happened? I'm sorry, you guys. I...I don't know. I've had a cold for like a week now, my body's produced enough phlegm to rival the rivers of ooze in Ghostbusters II. It's going to take over a creepy painting aaaaany second now. You watch. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to write this in my current condition. But, hey, if Boozehound writes drunk all the time, I can do this right? Yeah. Ngh.


OK, so. Let me try to do this through the fog in my brain. Do you have any idea how hard it is to rank these things? Even when not high on cold medicine? It's not the reading the hundreds of comments that's hard. It's just ... ranking them and the terror that I won't get it right. But, you know what the drugs helped me realize? It don't matter. Noooo, siree. Cos, I'm gonna say what's funny here, hoss, and if you don't like it, well, you can go be part of Jason XVI: In My Pants. Have fun getting eviscerated. I'm not Letterman. I'm not apologizing for being me. You can't keep me down.

Um...yeah, this week. Was fun. Lots o' funny comments. Fun-neh. Here's them funniest bits:

Disclaimer: I ranked before I drank. So I was in possession of like, 75 percent of my mental faculties when I did. Promise.

10. I'm definitely guilty of having Googled myself before, only to find a relatively well-know paleoarchaeologist from New Zealand shares my name. It was convenient, however, when I started getting his emails. Due to the time change, I usually got them as I was getting home from the bars, and may have subsequently approved someone on his team to spend $12k on a microwave oven capable of heating wood chips. oops. --ruby_nicole

[That was my favorite self-google answer. Apart from mine, of course. Did you all see this? Be in awe. You're welcome. OK, really I can't explain it. But watching it while all drugged up is a trip and a half, let me tell you..]

9. Hey! That blond girl is Carrington from So You Think You Can Dance!!! Errr . . Dancing is gay. I'm gonna go bang some chicks with my big penis. --Kballs

[We are never letting him live this one down. He recognized. A chick. On the Fame trailer. From "SYTYCD." Because only menly men truly love dancing.]

8. So if you can't reach your ass, use a toilet brush? ... They should call that thing "Ass-Swiffer." --Cindy

[Hee. "For those hard-to-reach places that never see the sun! buy 2, get 1 free! Fun for the whole family! Ass-Swiffer!]

7. I'm sorry, but every last one of those bottle-nosed bastards deserves to die. Did you know that 90% of California forest fires are caused by dolphins? They have been trying to expand their kingdom for years! FLIPPER?! Flipper is their indoctrination video for their land minions like Sea World trainers, cruise captains, and Somalian pirates. I'm not an only child. THEY ATE MY SISTER WHOLE! Then... then they swam off in a perfect V formation on their tail fins, laughing... laughing into the night. So I'll say this: Every time a dolphin dies, a burn victim gets a skin graft! -jM

Oh come on, if dolphins had opposable thumbs they'd be commenting on Pajiba with the rest of us. With their penchant for getting freaky with everything in the sea, including sea turtles and each others blowholes, they're practically the Pajiba mascot. --twig

[jM was on fire this week. Hot. Like a mongoose. I can totally see someone yelling 'THEY ATE MY SISTER WHOLE on something like Mega Shark vs Giant Dolphin. These two comments were a match made in Pajiba heaven. As Godtopus wills it.]

6. I remember the exact moment I realized I was an adult. It wasn't graduating from high school or college or getting a job or even buying a house. I always felt like I was just house-sitting until the real owners came back.

Anyway, my new house has a wood floor in the kitchen and so I bought a vacuum cleaner attachment that would let me clean it. When the dust bunnies started rolling across the floor, I figured it was time once again to sweep, and then said to myself, out loud, with genuine excitement, "Oo, I get to use my new attachment!"

The child inside me died that day. --DeadBessie

5. Red Dawn: These Colors Don't Run Because They Forgot Their Inhalers. --branded

[These next four(ish) were almost impossible to rank. I almost tossed a coin. Any one could've won. They all won my heart. That should be enough of a prize, right? Much better than a DVD!]

4. I don't know. CBS walling off a neighborhood of geriatic Jewish families? Somehow that doesn't sound good. --Mrcreosote

A walled off neighborhood? My dad lived in one of those during WWII in Germany. It was called the Jewish Ghetto. Wanna know what reality TV show comes next? The Concentration Camp. It'll be like The Biggest Loser only with no food or workout equipment. --BWeaves

3. A raccoon was killed by a car and thrown up into our front yard yesterday. While the man of the house and I were arguing about who had to clean it up, one of my neighbors walked by and asked if he could have it. He wasn't joking.

If anyone ever tries to wall me up with my neighbors, I'm joining the raccoon. --dawn

[Oh. Oh, the places that story could go. All of them make me grateful for my own neighbors--they're just noisy bastards. They don't collect road kill]

2. Lance Armstrong Gets His Own Inspartional Biopic

I'm trying to figure out ways to work this new word, "Inspartional," into conversations.
I just really love the sound of it: "Inspartional!" Any suggestions? --Jerce

Jerce, you use it just like you would inspirational, but keep in mind that the proper pronunciation involves a heavy southern Indiana/Kentucky style hick accent. Ideally it should only be used in sports contexts, i.e. "Dale Earnhardt's life was so inspartional for me. I still can't b'lieve he's gone. DAAAALLLEEEE! You were too good fer this werld." Although you can stretch it a bit if'n you want, i.e. "This beer gaved me the most inspartional idee! Let's go down to the crick and catch us some crawdads fer fryng up." (I kid because I love. I'm a southern Hoosier myself. Cannot to this day pronounce the word creek properly. 'specially if there's beer in me.) ....

And shit. I just brought back my southern Indiana accent. I just told my cats to "shuddup and stop yer fightin." I'ma be talkin like a hick all night. -s. pisaster

[They came, they saw the typo and they conquered it. It's so Pajiba it hurts. It's easy to point out the spelling mistakes, the hard part is making something out of them. And pisaster took that bastard and made a mansion out of it.]

Double props, pisaster. -- DR

[Here it is. I wish I could give a prize to the entire thread on Monday's Pajiba Love. It was...OK, it started with everyone ranking their favorite Pixar movies, and then Nadine claimed that she hated Wall-E and it descended into glorious chaos and madness. It just kept building, as the appalled parties tried to reason with Nadine, but she kept coming back with more, and then it...OK, this is a three-parter, because I loved all three of these comments so much. The absolute winner is at the bottom.]

1. (Part 1): BUT IT WASN'T HIS FAULT!!! Those fat fucks left them swimming in a sea of garbage and Ass Swiffers and never even so much as checked up on them until EVE showed up. So he stole a few moments for himself, it's not like they were dying to get back. He sleeps at night to recharge from all the MOUNTAINS of trash he's compacting. Have you seen the face he makes while compacting? Poor thing looks like he'll pop a sprocket. And it's not even his job to process the air! I FEEL LIKE I'VE TAKEN CRAZY PILLS!!! -jM

[jM strike agains. The all-caps. The anger. The righteous indignation. I love when jM goes angry]

(Part 2 ) JM is actually being TOO generous to Wall-E?

Has anyone actually analyzed WHY he out-lived the other robots?

Which scenario is more likely. 1)The pixar version: Wall-E outlived everyone because his spunky little heart was filled with love, joy, and judy garland "pep."


2) serial killer: he was a robot cannibal who murdered all the other robots, stockpiled their parts, and ate them in a ritualistic fashion so that he could live forever.

3) zombie

The serial killer scenario makes perfect sense: it explains the obsessive compulsive behaviors (trash stacking), odd obsession with women of a particular type (egg-shaped with lasers), bland-exterior, etc. Wall-E was basically dahmer on wheels. -luker" the barbarian

[Luker strikes back. With...with "Dahmer on wheels", people. Magic. See, lurkers? We need more of you to come out and play. ]

[And the coup de grace]

And I am sorry to hurt you Agent Scully, I truly am, I dont mean to upset you all...I negative reaction to a film I dont like is usually just 'meh'.

But Wall-E...Wall-E inspired a hatred in me so deep that even seeing his stupid little face on a poster makes me feel a powerful anger that little can quell. I see him an I am forced FORCED to punch a small child in the knee DONT ASK ME WHY!!!

I want him to use the spork to kill the cockroach and then bury them both in the roots of his stinkin pizza plants.

Not to mention, he's an artificial intelligence. As countless movies and shows have warned us, AI's no matter how obedient or sweet or seemingly 'on side' will inevitable go nutso and try to kill us all. The same AI that programmed the Space World did just that and he was presumably built of the same basic technology that centuries before, spawned Wall-E.

Think about it. Wall-E is one more bump on the noggin away from compacting some fat little kid into a block of easily stackable garbage.

Which, in RE: to my earlier indications of his sexual deviancy, creepy little Wall-E would have enjoyed SEXUALLY. --Nadine


And with that, Nadine wins the fight. She struck back at all the dissenters, and it's beautiful. Listen, it takes a lot to defend a contrary opinion on Pajiba, and the only way to do it is to go batshit insane with the hatred. That is how you do it. It's completely irrational, but you can't argue with that. You can't. I gave up and just started laughing, and you could see everyone else falling before Nadine. And I realized that through sheer insanity and an unshakeable sense of humor, I had accepted the fact that someone hated Wall-E. It was one of the best moments in the history of the comments section.

Congratulations, Nadine. You managed to lift the drug-induced stupor in my brain and I've been laughing at that comment for about five minutes now. Laughing and coughing and oh god my brain. So you hate that I can't give you Wall-E. So you're getting what Wall-E turns into in your head: Terminator. The first one. Original Arnold flavor. Send your info to dustin at pajiba dot com. Enjoy the roboapocalypse. I'm gonna go pass out now.

--Figgy tiene su pom pom, pom pom ! tiene su pom pom, pom pom, pom pom! *HACKHACKCOUGH*

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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