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June 13, 2008 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | June 13, 2008 |

Well, we’ve exchanged murder for perversion this week, and I think we’re all the better for it. Can you smell it? Dirty sweaty love is in the air, hovering over Pajiba land in a rank cloud of pheromones, malt liquor and the fetid odor of Mike Myers’ oncoming film The Love Guru. It stinks sooooo good.

In the goddamn brilliantly written Snuff review, we Pajibblers managed to generate somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 porno titles. We’ve also discovered that a lot of Pajibans are closest pornographers. I work in Van Nuys, CA, the alleged capital of pornography. None of this comes as a surprise to me. What is shocking is that it’s taken this long for us to finally shake you out of the bushes. You better fucking believe that pun was intended.

We almost lost Pookie to rehab, but much like the adult diapers worn by the cast of Golden Girls in the City, he was merely full of rancid, gibberishy shit. Keep reaching for the rainbow, Pooks.

We’ve learned that Ryan Reynolds’ Penis is named “Truth”, and it makes Dustin’s heart cry. My penis is small, but savory, unlike the McDonald’s Insult to the Confederacy Chicken Sandwich. Boo’s cooter is vast and cavernous, able to devour Japanese tourists in a single gulp, and it’s like chucking a hot dog in a hallway. And that jM has the greatest name for her happy place, ZOD. Kneel before Zod indeed.

I wish I could give a giant hug to the political conversations that have been springing up in the commentary as of late. They’ve been civil, intelligent, surprisingly troll-free, and made me deliriously proud to be a Pajibitch scribbler. No matter what end of the political spectrum we land on, no matter what our feelings are on the old rape n’ scrape, no matter whether we support Paul, Obama, Hillary, McCain, Stephen Colbert, or Your Mom, we can all agree on one thing: Katherine Heigl is a stupid, mouthy bitch.

However, I refuse to include any of the comments from the diversion on what movies no longer hold up. You people no longer like The Goonies, Batman, Big Trouble In Little China, Ghostbusters, Candyman, The Breakfast Club, Robin Hood: Men in Tights, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, The Monster Squad, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Back to the Future, Pulp Fiction, and all of the Kevin Smith movies? Hollywood didn’t rape my childhood. You motherfuckers took it out back of the woodshed and shotgunned it dead, then pissed on the corpse. May you all simmer in the seventh circle of hell.

Now on to the AWARDS!

10. Pink Panther 2, you say? — Jay

It must be one hell of a boat [Steve Martin’s] buying. — twig

I think that he may be trying to buy something larger than a boat. An island perhaps. That way he has somewhere to slink off to with the remaining shreds of dignity. - Melody

9. can we make an addition to the drinking game? take a sip if someone complains about Ranylt’s writing within 20 comments. drink if the complaint is within 15. swig if it happens within 10. chin if it happens within 5. seriously. is canadian english somehow different than american (other than certain spellings- colour is supposed to have a u in it godtopus dammit!)? i don’t have a college degree (dropped out three times - each time with a different major) yet i seem to have no problem whatsoever understanding and enjoying her reviews. —causabon

8. I really am getting tired of reviews in general. Bunch of college essay-type rantings with no center. I’ll stick to Rotten Tomatoes where it’s “bunch of people say thumbs up” or the other way around. I don’t even know why I wrote this. —5159

7. Movies have taught me that, despite what conventional wisdom would indicate about generational sexual repression and menopause, old ladies want weiner all the time. I can’t WAIT to get old. —Mella

6. My goodness. I just now realized that Kenneth Parcell was based on Clay Aiken. —Geetch

5. I had a long response written to the above, but I don’t want to bore everyone with a 2500 word on my movie preferences, so I’ll just say this: I come here (every day!) for the scathing and bitchy REVIEWS. The above was not a review. —S.K.

S.K.: You don’t need 2500 words to bore me — you did just fine with 46. —firedmyass

4. Besides, I am on record (repeatedly, I believe) about how Matthew McConaughey creeps me the hell out with his wee Tyrannosaur arms and his grunting and preening, and he gets nine kinds of eaten in this movie, which is nine kinds of AWESOME. I don’t care if the dragons subsist on sunshine, rainbows, and the repeatedly reanimated corpse of Jimmy Stewart, just so long as one or more of them manages to eat Matthew McConaughey with spectacular gusto.

This movie could be remade ten times, getting progressively worse with each imagining, culminating in an animation + live action version directed by McG and starring Jack Black and Martin Lawrence, but if McConaughey shows up for the 30 seconds it takes to get eaten, I’ll watch it every goddamn time. Happily. —Sarina

3. I still lay video games with a crystal meth level of addiction, but I remember being in grade 2 and laying Pokemon religiously. — Jeremy

Jeremy umm, do we need to talk? Has no one else noticed that our friend Jeremy here may need a little, um, therapy? I mean, a lot of us loved our video games, but most of us didn’t LOVE our video games, you know? Especially not in 2nd grade. — dammitjanet

Oh, If-You-See-Kay, my “p” key is stuck again. Fucking keyboard. No need to worry Janet, I can’t fuck a video game, because I’m not much of a top. —Jeremy

2. TK, we’re cool and all, but Gwar is to me what moist is to Nicole. Though for me, it sends me into a post traumatic stress induced flashback to my sophomore year in student housing living next to the Sex Banshee with walls thin enough to see through. Sex Banshee had to have it, all the time, and apparently from the entire line-up of the Washington Redskins (including the waterboy). But in case her sex moans(screams) weren’t loud enough, they were always accompanied by the smooth sounds of Gwar cranked to 11.

Typical day:

Roomate: Jesus, I think she’s being killed.
jM: hmm. Death by dick…that’s a fun police report. —jM

1. The fact of the matter is, Tila Tequila brought gay marriage to California. Read the quote, Jeremy. Because of her, we’re allowed to marry. When was the last time something YOU did resulted in legalization of gay marriage? I thought not, so sit down! Also, I bet you didn’t know that T. Tequila invented bifocals, was the ACTUAL author of “Ulysses”, assisted Einstein in developing the theory of relativity, and followed Neil Armstrong out onto the surface of the moon. Look it up, it’s true. — David

Did you know that she also (single-handedly, I might add) saved the Emperor Penguin from extinction? Or this fascinating tidbit - she keeps prematurely-born polar and koala bears alive by breast-feeding them ON HER OWN TIME - nobody pays her to do this. SHE DOES IT OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF HER OWN GODDAMED HEART!!

And let’s not forget the amount of time she donates to charities throughout the world, the ten-cent-a-day children she sponsors, her development of an alternative fuel source, telling troops about the goddamed hidey-hole Sadam was shacking up in, and last, but certainly not least - SHE INVENTED PIZZA AND ONION DIP!

Times like these I wish Gutzon Borglum were still with us… Ms. Tequila would certainly inspire a memorial on a much grander scale than that current waste of space, Rushmore. —Skittimus Maximus

Other things Tila has done: Tore down the Berlin Wall… With her BARE HANDS.
 Was crucified for our sins.
 Ended Apartheid in South America.
 Emancipated the slaves.
 Led the Jews out of Egypt.
 Drove an ice cream truck full of ANGRY BEES.
 Wrote and Produced every Wilco album.
 Led the rebellion during the Stonewall Riots.
 Painted the Mona Lisa.

Uncovered the truth about Watergate.
 Was the first to walk on the moon.
 Felt up Erik Rhodes during a taping of My Life On the D-List.
 Won Academy Awards in every category.
 Shot Hitler.
 Came up with theory of Evolution and Relativity.
 Found Waldo, Jesus and Carmen Sandiego. - Jeremy

Congratulations to this week’s three winners: David, Skittimus Maximus, and Jeremy. In honor of Tila Tequila’s accomplishments and contributions to fields of science, medicine, and aquatic sports, each of you will receive the coveted Phallic Baldwin. In lieu of an actual statue, we are instead giving you a copy of The Best of Saturday Night Live — Alec Baldwin. Mostly because stupid refuses to stock copies of Shaving Ryan’s Privates. Fucking fascists. Please email the Dark Overlord with an address your prize can be sent, at dustin at pajiba dot com.

Remember, friends, if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. Until next time!

The Phallic Baldwin Awards

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | June 13, 2008 |

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