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June 6, 2008 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | June 6, 2008 |

War has broken out across the Pajibaverse this week, with the impending summer heat threatening to turn our happy little patch o’ the Interwebs into New York during the Summer of 1977. Duels have been waged across many comment threads, satisfaction has been demanded and received. The spambots have even rose up to strike vengeance upon many an unwary Pajibite. Only the impending influx of Cylons and The Cyberdyne Industries Model Terminal Viagrabots have drawn us together and prepared us for imminent warfare. Just not the suckitude of the coming summer television season.

Fortunately, thanks to the efforts of TK and Senor Boynton’s intellectual boozehoundery, we are all stocked with taco dip, tampoons and shotguns. We can return to our bunkers to continue to lash out about overpriced shoewear and contemplate how we can use Milton Bradley to turn Michael Bay against himself.

Before we get to our judges scorecard, I would like to take this opportunity to give thanks and praise unto Daniel Carlson’s superb “Lost” recaps. When all had given up hope (and by all I mean me) after Season Three, Daniel took the sour grapes of wrath and stomped them into some fine wine. Not only were they exhaustively comprehensive and gloriously rapt, but it gave Stephanie a chance to divulge her insano-awesome plot discoveries. If you aren’t watching “Lost” anymore, you’ve been missing out. Thanks, Daniel. The first beer’s on me.

And on to this week’s top ten comments:

10. I see the decision to spend today in a fetal ball was well advised. — twig

9. I had so much to say, a very elegant piece really. It was to be my masterpiece. A confluence of intelligence, wisdom, and yes, a little godlike omnipresence. It was as if the sum total of all humanity came together and spoke these words. Holy men and scientists alike would have been awed by the universal truth my words would have sang. It would have ended wars, solved the energy crisis, and brought mankind into a new era of perfection.

The very definition of our existence was to flow from my unworthy form, into this machine, and onto the screen for all of creation to witness in awe.

But it all went out the fucking window when I processed these words: Lesbians Love Liz Lemon!

Oh, well. There is always next time. — Vermillion

8. If Chris Walken’s excuse is that he has no hobbies, I will happily nominate myself as his own personal hobby. Take that as you will…LOL. — jessi1974

[And then immediately theafter …]

Oh sh*t! I didn’t mean the ‘LOL’ - I know how the use of that totally torks the Pajibans off! I tried to take it back but it was too late.

Sigh. Sorry. Please don’t ban me. I meant it in good faith and all. — jessi1974

[Aw. Look at her editing her swear words and apologizing. Isn’t that precious? You’re fucking banned, jessi1974. Pack your shit. Just kidding. We love you. Get out.]

7. I hear that Marvin Harrison shot somebody. And now he’s going to be traded to the Bengals or Vikings. — anikitty

Not if the Cowboys get to him first; they’re all about the weapons charges. — socalledonlycousins

6. viral popularity? Including H virus? Be careful, all members of POZGROUP.COM,which focuses on providing a safe dating&support community for those living with herpes,hpv, hiv/aids or other STDs, are suffering from these viruses. — Nancy

5. NO NO NO!

NO Kindle! Kill the Kindle! Print books must not die. You cannot take a Kindle out and lovingly flip through it’s often turned pages. You cannot build a shelf of Kindles. And for those of you still in the dating game (and for me given that women usually outlive men therefore I may find myself available again some day), consider this. You can no no longer meet a guy (or girl), feel an instant physical attraction and end up at his place with that crucial fifteen minute window to make the decision about how worthy he is of a shag based on a quick perusal of his CD collection. The iPod killed that avenue of investigation. All you have left is his book shelf. If the book shelf goes, what then? You end up shagging a complete moron and find out in the morning that you have to extricate yourself from a very awkward entanglement? You think you’re going to be able to track down his Kindle and check out the titles while he’s in the bathroom? Fuck no. Kill the Kindle (plus Amazon is using it to push author fees even lower). — PaddyDog

4. Well, I know that probably less than 0.05% of the people know or even care about this about, but fuck it… YOUR STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS: THE DETROIT RED WINGS!! WOOOO HOOO!!! — ajax19

The NBA playoffs are finally over? Great! Did Hillary win? — Three-nineteen

No, I think Pele won. — Bistro

3. [in reference to The Strangers] So this chick from work walked in this morning and talked all about seeing this movie last night, going on and on about how stupid it was, what a waste of money… and that her two children, ages 4 and 5, didn’t think it was very good either.
I tried to give her my best “dot dot dot” face, but it was lost on her. As are a lot of things, I’m certain. — divinityblue

* Bonus Comment:

Clay Aiken, gay, whoa. I didn’t see that coming. — Pookie

That’s because he was fucking you from behind. — hatemail

[And after Skittimus Maximus refreshed our love of him by asking of Jessica Alba in The Eye: WHY IS SHE SCREAMING INTO THE OVEN?!!! Our top two quotes this week were in response.]

2. I know why she’s screaming at the oven — it’s because it’s the oven in my kitchen, and my housemate’s been cooking again.

Y’see, my housemate only works three nights a week, and doesn’t really have the financial acument to manage the meagre amount of money he does earn, which leads to him being too poor to buy real food most of the time. Luckily, though, he was blessed with the gastronomical fortitude of a goat and a bizarre kind of culinary genius when faced with limited ingredients.
There was the one time he made himself a bowl of baked beans and sweetcorn with barbecue sauce. Or the odd concoction of baked beans and mashed potato stirred together into a weird, fluffy, orangey mess. Today it was spaghetti, tomato soup and dry-fried spam.

I’m convinced that one day, his strange kitchen alchemy will result in him accidentally spawning intelligent life - a malevolent entity born of Super Noodles, Pop Tarts and strips of bacon that will shudder moistly to life, oil it’s way out of the kitchen and murder us all. — Dill the Devil

1. “There is no pot roast…only Zuul.” — brownribbon

In honor of one of this week’s many awesome mini-diversions on the onslaught of board game based movies (which was begat by dammitjanet…i love youuuuuuuuu), brownribbon shall receive from the Pajiba Overlords a copy of the second finest board game movie ever made, Witchboard. Enjoy some Tawny Kitaen, my friend. Please kick your applicable info to dustin at pajiba dot com.

Until next week, kiddies. Always shoot for the head.

Kink Need Not Die with the Rest of the Human Race

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | June 6, 2008 |

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