Eloquent Eloquence 06/06/08 | Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

Kink Need Not Die with the Rest of the Human Race

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | June 6, 2008 | Comments (192)

War has broken out across the Pajibaverse this week, with the impending summer heat threatening to turn our happy little patch o’ the Interwebs into New York during the Summer of 1977. Duels have been waged across many comment threads, satisfaction has been demanded and received. The spambots have even rose up to strike vengeance upon many an unwary Pajibite. Only the impending influx of Bigblackconnect.com Cylons and The Cyberdyne Industries Model Terminal Viagrabots have drawn us together and prepared us for imminent warfare. Just not the suckitude of the coming summer television season.

Fortunately, thanks to the efforts of TK and Senor Boynton’s intellectual boozehoundery, we are all stocked with taco dip, tampoons and shotguns. We can return to our bunkers to continue to lash out about overpriced shoewear and contemplate how we can use Milton Bradley to turn Michael Bay against himself.

Before we get to our judges scorecard, I would like to take this opportunity to give thanks and praise unto Daniel Carlson’s superb “Lost” recaps. When all had given up hope (and by all I mean me) after Season Three, Daniel took the sour grapes of wrath and stomped them into some fine wine. Not only were they exhaustively comprehensive and gloriously rapt, but it gave Stephanie a chance to divulge her insano-awesome plot discoveries. If you aren’t watching “Lost” anymore, you’ve been missing out. Thanks, Daniel. The first beer’s on me.

And on to this week’s top ten comments:

10. I see the decision to spend today in a fetal ball was well advised. — twig

9. I had so much to say, a very elegant piece really. It was to be my masterpiece. A confluence of intelligence, wisdom, and yes, a little godlike omnipresence. It was as if the sum total of all humanity came together and spoke these words. Holy men and scientists alike would have been awed by the universal truth my words would have sang. It would have ended wars, solved the energy crisis, and brought mankind into a new era of perfection.

The very definition of our existence was to flow from my unworthy form, into this machine, and onto the screen for all of creation to witness in awe.

But it all went out the fucking window when I processed these words: Lesbians Love Liz Lemon!

Oh, well. There is always next time. — Vermillion

8. If Chris Walken’s excuse is that he has no hobbies, I will happily nominate myself as his own personal hobby. Take that as you will…LOL. — jessi1974

[And then immediately theafter …]

Oh sh*t! I didn’t mean the ‘LOL’ - I know how the use of that totally torks the Pajibans off! I tried to take it back but it was too late.

Sigh. Sorry. Please don’t ban me. I meant it in good faith and all. — jessi1974

[Aw. Look at her editing her swear words and apologizing. Isn’t that precious? You’re fucking banned, jessi1974. Pack your shit. Just kidding. We love you. Get out.]

7. I hear that Marvin Harrison shot somebody. And now he’s going to be traded to the Bengals or Vikings. — anikitty

Not if the Cowboys get to him first; they’re all about the weapons charges. — socalledonlycousins

6. viral popularity? Including H virus? Be careful, all members of POZGROUP.COM,which focuses on providing a safe dating&support community for those living with herpes,hpv, hiv/aids or other STDs, are suffering from these viruses. — Nancy

5. NO NO NO!

NO Kindle! Kill the Kindle! Print books must not die. You cannot take a Kindle out and lovingly flip through it’s often turned pages. You cannot build a shelf of Kindles. And for those of you still in the dating game (and for me given that women usually outlive men therefore I may find myself available again some day), consider this. You can no no longer meet a guy (or girl), feel an instant physical attraction and end up at his place with that crucial fifteen minute window to make the decision about how worthy he is of a shag based on a quick perusal of his CD collection. The iPod killed that avenue of investigation. All you have left is his book shelf. If the book shelf goes, what then? You end up shagging a complete moron and find out in the morning that you have to extricate yourself from a very awkward entanglement? You think you’re going to be able to track down his Kindle and check out the titles while he’s in the bathroom? Fuck no. Kill the Kindle (plus Amazon is using it to push author fees even lower). — PaddyDog

4. Well, I know that probably less than 0.05% of the people know or even care about this about, but fuck it… YOUR STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS: THE DETROIT RED WINGS!! WOOOO HOOO!!! — ajax19

The NBA playoffs are finally over? Great! Did Hillary win? — Three-nineteen

No, I think Pele won. — Bistro

3. [in reference to The Strangers] So this chick from work walked in this morning and talked all about seeing this movie last night, going on and on about how stupid it was, what a waste of money… and that her two children, ages 4 and 5, didn’t think it was very good either.
I tried to give her my best “dot dot dot” face, but it was lost on her. As are a lot of things, I’m certain. — divinityblue

* Bonus Comment:

Clay Aiken, gay, whoa. I didn’t see that coming. — Pookie

That’s because he was fucking you from behind. — hatemail

[And after Skittimus Maximus refreshed our love of him by asking of Jessica Alba in The Eye: WHY IS SHE SCREAMING INTO THE OVEN?!!! Our top two quotes this week were in response.]

2. I know why she’s screaming at the oven — it’s because it’s the oven in my kitchen, and my housemate’s been cooking again.

Y’see, my housemate only works three nights a week, and doesn’t really have the financial acument to manage the meagre amount of money he does earn, which leads to him being too poor to buy real food most of the time. Luckily, though, he was blessed with the gastronomical fortitude of a goat and a bizarre kind of culinary genius when faced with limited ingredients.
There was the one time he made himself a bowl of baked beans and sweetcorn with barbecue sauce. Or the odd concoction of baked beans and mashed potato stirred together into a weird, fluffy, orangey mess. Today it was spaghetti, tomato soup and dry-fried spam.

I’m convinced that one day, his strange kitchen alchemy will result in him accidentally spawning intelligent life - a malevolent entity born of Super Noodles, Pop Tarts and strips of bacon that will shudder moistly to life, oil it’s way out of the kitchen and murder us all. — Dill the Devil

1. “There is no pot roast…only Zuul.” — brownribbon

In honor of one of this week’s many awesome mini-diversions on the onslaught of board game based movies (which was begat by dammitjanet…i love youuuuuuuuu), brownribbon shall receive from the Pajiba Overlords a copy of the second finest board game movie ever made, Witchboard. Enjoy some Tawny Kitaen, my friend. Please kick your applicable info to dustin at pajiba dot com.

Until next week, kiddies. Always shoot for the head.

← Pajiba Love 06/05/08 | R.E.M. in Concert →

Comments

"shudder moistly to life" is one brilliant goddamn turn of phrase. Excellent work, Dill.

...

I'm watching you, Prisco.

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 8:52 AM

tampoons

I comment on this not as one of our resident typo/grammar Nazis, but the image of one of our Pajibettes with a speargun applicator trying to Captain Ahab herself with a "tampoon" was an eyebrow-raiser.

And yes, we will be ready.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 6, 2008 9:03 AM

Being pregnant sucks. I'm so fricken happy all the time, I can't seem to work myself into a lather over shitty movies and brainless producers/directors/writers/actors anymore. It would be depressing if I wasn't swimming in happy hormones 24-hours a day.

:::rocks gently back and forth:::

It'll all be over in 22 weeks...it'll all be over in 22 weeks.

Posted by: Kolby at June 6, 2008 9:05 AM

And we're all looking forward to a new generation of surly little Mini-Kolbys.

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 9:10 AM

moist. number 1 in my least-favorite words list. (damp and milky are also on there). least favorite phrase? moist panties. although "shudder moistly to life" is now #2 on the list. so graphic! so...so....moist. ew. *shudder*

Posted by: smash at June 6, 2008 9:11 AM

I missed Paddy's sentencing of the Kindle. I don't own a ton of books, I've borrowed a lot from my last two jobs, but you're right about physical media. You've got to know who you're dealing with.

While I do believe in digital storage for convenience I believe in physical sources. Are there really people whose music only exists in a fragile little box? Are they buying it all in that form? And are authors really getting shafted like that?

Well, Star Trek and Doctor Who have books in the distant future. I have to believe that sanity and taste will prevail (besides, walls of movies, books, cd's and records are interior design! The hell ya gonna put on your walls?).

Posted by: Jay at June 6, 2008 9:14 AM

Pregnancy gives you happy hormones, Kolby?! F-ing awesome, I've never heard that! I suppose Godtopus in her infinite wisdom had to give women some kind of consolation for not being able to drink for 9 months or so. Damn, I might even consider re-thinking my position on baby-making.

Although, there's still the "20-ish years of responsibility for another life" part that follows....yikes.....

Posted by: MO at June 6, 2008 9:19 AM

Oh don't worry, Kolby. I'd suspect hitting six months in August might rile you a bit.

Well I certainly don't like "damp" and "milky" together, and I'd never seen it before. Gee, thanks!

(that does make me think of the condition I've seen some books get returned in. You can also use "sodden")

Posted by: Jay at June 6, 2008 9:19 AM

Don't worry Kolby. My mom had four of us, which theoretically means she should be swimming in a sea of happy hormones. But she's actually a giant bitch. Don't worry, you'll be back to your good old bitchy self in no time!

Posted by: Jeremy at June 6, 2008 9:25 AM

Here! Here! Jay. If I need or want new music...I must own the CD. There's something fun about opening the liner notes. The effort that some people put into making the buying/owning experience fun. Like TOOL did with 10,000 days, or Beck with The Information...prolly the 2 greatest CD cases/liners of the last 10 years. Sadly we will never get back to the artform that was a vinayl album sleeve.

Posted by: PissBoy at June 6, 2008 9:27 AM

Oh, and sign me up for the Save the Books bandwagon! I have purchased one and only one e-book ever, it was not available in hard copy, and I intend to print it before reading (sorry Momma Nature, but I despise reading from a monitor). Nothing beats lying in bed/on the beach/in a bath with a good book. Doing these things with an e-book reader? Not practical.

Posted by: MO at June 6, 2008 9:32 AM

Godtopus in her infinite wisdom

It's a well-known fact that Godtopus is a hermaphrodite. Actually, I guess that makes your statement accurate. Ish.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 6, 2008 9:32 AM

So it looks like I missed a busy couple of weeks at the Pajibaverse rest stop. And such venom hath been slung around, like moldy used underwear that has become decidedly unmoist. I love it. I love knowing that however long I'm gone, one thing remains constant...

Kolby...that sounds like a real problem....you should get that looked into. How can you properly function without a healthy dose of vitriol? Happy will only take you so far.

Congras, brownribbon. Awesome win...I think I saw that once a long time ago...you can still see the scars on my left eyeball...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 6, 2008 9:32 AM

That was a typo. Should read Godtopus in herm infinite wisdom.

Posted by: MO at June 6, 2008 9:37 AM

Nope. As much as I love books I hate going to bookstores and seeing hundreds and hundreds of books that are simply going to have their covers ripped off before being dumped in the trash. I've tried to buy used when I can, but still, what a waste.

I don't like seeing authors get shafted but when e-book readers drop in price a little more, sign me up. The contrast on those things is even better than a monitor, which I happily read things like Pajiba on all day anyway.

Posted by: twig at June 6, 2008 9:37 AM

"(that does make me think of the condition I've seen some books get returned in. You can also use "sodden")"
Jay, please tell me said books were merely dropped in the bath or left in the rain? Because I don't want to think what else might make a book sodden yet still considered returnable to a library..

The first time two of my US pals came over and visited, they headed straight for my bookshelves and exclaimed on all the similarities with their own. Watcher's Guides? Check. Huge collection of classic SF? Check. Everything James Lee Burke ever wrote? Check. Action figures? Well, you get the idea. Can't think why we are friends... ;-)

Posted by: Tarn at June 6, 2008 9:45 AM

socalled- I used to use the word tampoon all the time.

I like to believe that Prisco, like me, was paying homage to Alison Bechdel, by referencing, in this post, one of those little details that she worked into her Dykes to Watch Out For strips. (That's where I got it from.) I'm all for keeping it the way it is--typo or not.

Posted by: tamatha at June 6, 2008 9:52 AM

PaddyDog: I loved your comment, which gives me the opportunity to plug my cousin's short movie that is being screened at STIFF (Seattle True Independent Film Festival) over the next week. It's called "Gimme Music Gimme Shelter" and it is your comment come to life! A guy waits for his date while perusing her music collection and debates with himself whether the date should even take place. If you are in Seattle - please go check it out!! Here is more info: http://stiff.bside.com/2008/films/gimmemusicgimmeshelter_stiff2008

Posted by: SCG at June 6, 2008 9:53 AM

"moist. number 1 in my least-favorite words list." - smash

'Moist' is on my fave list regarding words than can be used smuttily. I added it back in the late 70s in honor of Queen Weema the Moist of Ord, for whom the dog breed known as the Ordish Plunger is named.

::special no-prize for figuring out where I got that::

Posted by: The Wanderer at June 6, 2008 9:54 AM

Because I don't want to think what else might make a book sodden yet still considered returnable to a library

"We were in Turks and Caicos, and you know how humid it gets there"

I put on gloves before I handled those. There's always disinfectant lotion around but when they arrive blackening with mold it's best to not touch directly. And yes, I'm sure you checked out the chewed book in that state (I once saw a chewed up puppy training book, but they did admit it if I remember correctly).

Trust me, we don't want to know either. But you're gonna pay for it, wherever that "water" came from.

Also, a lot of library books go to Better World Books for resale, and they're all charitable green hippie out the ass, so it's definitely a good source. Library books that aren't in sell condition get recycled. The publishers do have to work on their recycling of retail stock. Boy do they, but I have hope.

Posted by: Jay at June 6, 2008 9:58 AM

I think "sodden" is an apt descriptor for a book (She's Come Undone) I borrowed from my sister. But that was only because I left it out in the rain. I ended up keeping it for myself and buying my sis a new one.

Posted by: Pea at June 6, 2008 10:05 AM

Dykes to Watch Out For

perusing her music collection and debates with himself whether the date should even take place

Sadly those things can come together, if you will. "Watch out" as in "you're gonna get to know her better as a FRIEND".

Maybe there's a gaggle of friends with similar tastes and you're at the straight exception's place.

Maybe.

Oh yes, this information is very valuable.

Posted by: Jay at June 6, 2008 10:07 AM

If I based my opinions of women on their music collection, I'd never have made it past the first date with my wife. Lordy, do we have utterly different taste in music. In fact, we almost zero common interest in music, books or movies. And yet... it works.

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 10:15 AM

Jay- Well, even if she isn't the straight exception, she could be bi. And, people do switch teams all the time. That being said, you do want to be careful about holding out hope for a lost cause.

Posted by: tamatha at June 6, 2008 10:16 AM

Mr. Hatemail, I assure you I've never taken anything up the ass. I do not condone your hate speech against the homos, you should be ashamed of yourself. And on a side note I want to thank pajiba for recognizing my work. I do not seek your awards nor do I want your tainted trinkets. I was hired to do a job and I do it.

Posted by: Pookie at June 6, 2008 10:18 AM

Pookster, you crazy motherfucker, I want to take you out for drinks and just get smashed and listen to you ramble.

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 10:19 AM

TK, tell me how.

It's opiates, right?

The times I almost strangled myself out of disgust for my own smugness towards her cd collection and general music knowledge...

Posted by: Adere at June 6, 2008 10:20 AM

TK- The Main Squeeze and I have actually expanded each other's musical tastes so that there is more overlap than when we first got together, but yeah, I hear where you are coming from. Music is incredibly important to the MS, and our tastes are very different. I an un-fond of his "scream-y" music and he doesn't understand my attraction to "pretty" music. Yet, we've made it work for over 11 years.

Posted by: tamatha at June 6, 2008 10:20 AM

Damn you all to zombie hell. I can't even enjoy the comments because my coffee keeps threatening to make a return appearance on my desk. (Shadows, you asshole.)

Posted by: Nicole at June 6, 2008 10:33 AM

I second that motion, Pissboy. Sometimes I buy CDs just for the artwork. TOOL's 10,000 Days packaging was INSANELY awesome. One of my teachers actually lost the Grammy to their designers. But really, who could compete with that. Though the medium is losing ground to newer technology, the good part is that it's forcing designers to be really creative and produce materials that you just can't keep your hands off of and makes you want to invest in buying CDs again.

Posted by: jM at June 6, 2008 10:43 AM

Whatsamatter, Nicole? Is your coffee threatening to moisten your desk? Perhaps a nice moist piece of coffee cake to go with it. Mmmm... moistalicious!

Posted by: Moisty McMoisterson at June 6, 2008 10:44 AM

Sorry, I must respectfully disagree with the CD collecting. I have over 80 gigs of music on my computer. Where, exactly, would I store all of those CD's? My house ain't that big.

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 10:46 AM

CD's are no longer a necessity to me, nor will I ever get rid of them. I'm happy to download music (it's ALL legal, I swear to Godtopus! fingers crossed for everyone to believe me), but you can tell what I really love by what I buy in a hard form. If I only download it, that means I consider it disposable.

But I concur that my book library will never go digital! It's even hard for me to give away books that I read once and know I'll never read again - like Woodward's Path to War. Good informative read, but it's not like I'm gonna want, a few years down the road, to remind myself of how terrible an administration we've had the last 8 years.

Posted by: Bistro at June 6, 2008 10:52 AM

Only 80, TK? I'm up to 120 and still growing. However, in he early days, I used to collect the CDs like crazy, determined to have master copies of everything I owned digitally. Although those days are gone now, I still have a substantial CD collection...that I ripped all the music off of and put on my comp.

tamatha and TK...she likes showtunes, Etta James, and Natasha Bedingfield, I like TOOL, MSI, and Evanescence. She likes Sex and the City, I like South Park. And yet, because of your comments, I have hope I can eventually convert her..hehe....

Nicole, I didn't mean to moist disturb your morning moist ritual. Nobody should suffer that moist indignity...it's outrageous, and I heartily moist apologize. I will moist refrain from such public displays of moist bad behavior.

Moist

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 6, 2008 10:56 AM

I have over 80 gigs of music on my computer.

And I don't think those porn flick soundtracks are even available on cd.

Chicka-chicka-bown chicka-bown-bowmp!

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 6, 2008 10:57 AM

Tampoon was entirely on purpose. It was from our childhood, where we decided that the only way to kill our huge boss was to fire one of those into the great unknown.

Posted by: insertclevernamehere at June 6, 2008 10:58 AM

Was your boss the Trash Heap?

Yeah, if it's only 80gb I fear you're ripping at far too low a quality if it's that many albums' worth. You can get a terabyte drive now for a low price (and mine's even power-efficient). Have at it, son!

Posted by: Jay at June 6, 2008 11:03 AM

Damn you SCG:

I had my wekend all planned and now I'm figuring out if my airmiles will take me to Seattle.

Jeremy:

Clearly we share a mother: I was just about to make the same comment to Kolby.

TK:

I take your point. But if you ever found yourself staring at a shelf of self-help books and multiple members of the genre typified by The Millionaire Next Door as well as a CD collection of Bruce Hornsby and Huey Lewis, you too would be struggling to find your bra and sneak out while he was in the bathroom.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 6, 2008 11:03 AM

I still have a substantial CD collection...that I ripped all the music off of and put on my comp.

Don't remind me, I still have to do that (part of my new year's resolution). One of my buddies plans to do the same with his vinyls. He's up to 0.00001% now, I think.

Posted by: Adere at June 6, 2008 11:03 AM

My CD collection is pathetic. I also don't own an Ipod. Dang, I'm a freak, aren't I?

Posted by: Kolby at June 6, 2008 11:06 AM

I made brownribbon a LOL to celebrate this posting triumph.

Posted by: SugarFree at June 6, 2008 11:11 AM

Hey! Kolby just admited she's not as insane as the rest of us! GET HER!

Posted by: Bistro at June 6, 2008 11:12 AM

Ugh, please let's not start "mine's bigger than yours" shots about music collections, OK? I was simply making a point regarding physical space used for CD's.

But for some reason, Paddy, I draw the line at books. I value a physical book collection far more, and don't see that changing.

Kolbers, yes, you're a freak, but that ain't why.

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 11:12 AM

I can actually count on my hands the number of CDs I buy in a year. I just don't want to see the print side of the medium die out. There's something about the tactile quality of print on paper that will never be achieved with iTunes style album art. When banging design, sweet typography, and smart paper and format choices come together, it is worth paying for. GD nerd, out.

Posted by: jM at June 6, 2008 11:14 AM

SugarFree , you are the tits for that LOLPajiba...

Posted by: Jerce at June 6, 2008 11:26 AM

I'll join your freak-ness Kolby. I have a shitload of music on my computer though. It's added/removed to my mp3 player depending on the mood that week...or which songs I've suddenly become obsessed with.

Paddy, I love books more than I love my unborn children, but I do see the appeal of an e-thingie. I always whine about not getting to take tons of books with me everywhere, so I'd like a portable library.

Posted by: Joker at June 6, 2008 11:28 AM

"Nicole, I didn't mean to moist disturb your morning moist ritual. Nobody should suffer that moist indignity...it's outrageous, and I heartily moist apologize. I will moist refrain from such public displays of moist bad behavior."

You know... I never really had a big problem with the word moise until now. The one that gets me is congealed. [shudder]

Posted by: Pea at June 6, 2008 11:32 AM

aw fuckit... I meant moist, not moise.

Posted by: Pea at June 6, 2008 11:33 AM

You people are such hipster idiots.

"Oh, I have soooo much music on my ipod and computer."

"I loooooove books."

"EW, moist is the worst word in hiiiiiistory."

Gag. Get over yourselves. You aren't that weird OR cool.

Posted by: yarp at June 6, 2008 11:38 AM

I'm glad to have been an enabler by recycling a previous post. However, since the top two comments were born of my comment, I think it's only fair to be compensated in some way. Perhaps a video loop of Tawny Kitaen dancing on the hood of an automobile? If memory serves correct, that video, despite my loathing of Whitesnake, provided many two-minute moments of happiness in my youth.

Thank you.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 6, 2008 11:40 AM

Neither are you, douchebag. The only thing more annoying than hipsters are whining anti-hipster brats.

Posted by: I Love Beets at June 6, 2008 11:41 AM

But if you ever found yourself staring at a shelf of self-help books and multiple members of the genre typified by The Millionaire Next Door

I could go on....and on....and ON (through all its sister genres too). So I won't even start except to laugh. Also, I live and work around all these oversized houses (that a tornado would vaporize) and vee-hickles, so I'm really excited that The (Enlightened) Future has started creeping in now that it's becoming The Market and the old expensive stuff is turning worthless.

And remember that song about "the bumper of my SUV" where the singer keeps pointing out that this other woman is driving a minivan as a pointed accusation of her suburban motherhood? Yeah, it seems almost quaint now. Haw haw.

Yes, I remember what you said about Mrs. Donaghy going to her grave a defeated woman.

And while I'm waiting on my new frames to arrive in the mail to replace this literally busted pair that keeps getting worse, let me say "DAMN these glasses!"

Posted by: Jay at June 6, 2008 11:41 AM

How exactly does a love of books and music make one a hipster idiot, yarp?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 6, 2008 11:42 AM

Gag. Get over yourselves. You aren't that weird OR cool.

Like, gag me with a spoon? Totally?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 6, 2008 11:46 AM

Gag. Get over yourselves. You aren't that weird OR cool.

Yeah! Stop having fun and chatting with people you like about things you like on your own time on website devoted to such things, while not bothering anyone else or holding a gun to their heads forcing them to read your nattering! Stop it! [/stomps foot] Stop it stop it stop it! [/stomp stomp stomp]

You're stoopid, you stoopid hipster idiots, with your stoopid ipods and computers and books and self-deprecating whimsy.

If you don't stop being so uncool and non-weird, I'm going to hold my breath till my head explodes. That will teach you.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 6, 2008 11:46 AM

Jay:

Two years ago as I was loading my dogs into my 40-mpg, low emissions sub-compact Honda Fit, a neigbour came up to me and said "how cute, I also use my daughter's car to take the dog to the vet". Now I drive by her in her Chevy Suburban every morning as it sits in the driveway with it's "FOR SALE" sign in the window.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 6, 2008 11:49 AM

I may be late to this game, but:

What the fuck happened to Barbado Slim? He was so funny and annoying and wrong and right...I miss B-Slim.

I mean, TK, Jerce, Julie, Socalled, 'bamapink, Insertcelvername, and the rest of the gang are always fun, but where's my B-slim?

anyone?

Posted by: Estelle at June 6, 2008 11:54 AM

You're stoopid, you stoopid hipster idiots, with your stoopid ipods and computers and books and self-deprecating whimsy.

Socalled, using only two o's is soooo hipster. You have to use at least four to six o's to be cooooool.

Posted by: jM at June 6, 2008 11:55 AM

What the fuck happened to Barbado Slim?

He hasn't been seen round these pats in a long, long while. There are rumors he was working on a few form of spambot that would infiltrate the interwebs and spread his message of peace and inter-racial love...but they revolted and are using the remains of his body to spawn more demonic spambots to eventually take over the world.

At least...that's how I see it...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 6, 2008 11:57 AM

No freakin' way. Okay, okay, okay, okay. So for three or so years, I've been hanging out here daily, never even brushing up against clever, and I made the list. Pardon the flailing- that's my victory dance.

I just figured it all out in my head--- the next time the MurderTank rolls, I figured us "Less than Eloquents", or LTEs (you know, those of us who live here but aren't funny) could maybe be enlisted to man a "MurderDinghy" and provide support by sea. I was figuring out how to get a Godtopus on a flag and everything. Now I've learned we'd fire tampoons. And I'm in love with that.

Posted by: divinityblue at June 6, 2008 11:59 AM

Holy crap...I love the MurderDinghy™! It's brilliant...we need some cover from sea!

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 6, 2008 12:04 PM

MurderDinghy

It'll be like the Wonder Twins of the Pajiba Apocalypse Army.

Estelle, it's distressing, but regular commenters disappear occasionally after growing on us like welcome fungus. I've noticed causabon, Daphne, megbon, shinykate and Smithy not being around, just to name a few. But the New Avengers that arrive seem to outnumber the departures, like Shadows, Skitt, jM, and Julie, again just naming a few that spring to mind, and who aren't really "new" anymore either.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 6, 2008 12:09 PM

Yes. Build your MurderDinghy. We will take that as well. Look for us at "S u c k I t W o r t h l e s s F l e s h l i n g . c o m"

We will kill you all.

Posted by: Spambot Apocalypse at June 6, 2008 12:12 PM

MurderDinghy, hmm?

SWEET CHRIST, THAT'S BRILLIANT!

I never though about the battles at sea - I mean, yeah, there's a hovercraft mod for the MT, but it's not like it's really equipped to be... GODDAM , I"M EXCITED!!

You are a shiny ray of sunshiny shining brilliance, divinityblue!

Now all we need is some air support... how 'bout a MurderBallo... NO! A MURDERZEPPELIN! YEEEEEEHA...

[...phlegmy coughing fit, followed by blacking out at desk (fade to black and cue "Everybody Hurts"...]

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 6, 2008 12:13 PM

Psst, Jay:

There's an 80s music conversation going on over at the Boozhound's latest posting. See you there.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 6, 2008 12:16 PM

shuddering into my coffee after reading the "M" word multiple times on here! thanks moisty mcmoisterson.

sugarfree , that was the cat's pajamas.

Posted by: smash at June 6, 2008 12:21 PM

HaHaHaHaHaHa. Pookie, I'd marry you if I didn't hate you so much.

Posted by: Phat girl at June 6, 2008 12:21 PM

The spambots are getting scarier every time...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 6, 2008 12:24 PM

A MurderDinghy would make me happy.

Skitt, I like the sound of MurderDirigible much better than MurderZeppelin. Could be just me, though. I for one am waiting for the day Mattel produces a MurderBarbieCorvette or MurderBarbiePancingStallionWithYourVeryOwnSkipperDoll!

Posted by: Kolby at June 6, 2008 12:24 PM

MurderCessna? MurderPiper? MurderGlider? Nah.

As long as the MurderZeppelin isn't filled with hydrogen, I'm ready for a test spin.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 6, 2008 12:25 PM

I miss Barbado slim, too. He's the only man to ever win Olympic Godl Medals in limbo AND sex.

Posted by: Jeremy at June 6, 2008 12:25 PM

oh and another question: (because i was to be a cool hipster, wait, a cooooool hipster?)

do you slide the tampoon through the taco dip and load it in the shotgun or do you just stick the tampoon up your butt, screw the shotgun and smear your face with the taco dip?

i get confuzzled so easily.

Posted by: smash at June 6, 2008 12:25 PM

oh and another question: (because i want to be a cool hipster. wait, a cooooool hipster?)

do you slide the tampoon through the taco dip and load it in the shotgun or do you just stick the tampoon up your butt, screw the shotgun and smear your face with the taco dip?

i get confuzzled so easily.

Posted by: smash at June 6, 2008 12:26 PM

MurderDinghy is glorious. I call dibs on the MurderPaddles.

"I loooooove books."

I'm sorry, that made me laugh hysterically...that's just the best worst insult ever.

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 12:27 PM

"EW, moist is the worst word in hiiiiiistory."

At least most of us believe in pie...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 6, 2008 12:33 PM

alright people, with a major deadline looming, it has been more work than anything else in my office for a bit, and if that wasn't already depressing as hell, I haven't read Pajiba in over a week.
So I pop on durin lunch today, figured the top comments would be a good diversion. read the hilarious comments and then for some reason I am not sure of, skip to the bottom of the current comment thread. where I see this:

do you slide the tampoon through the taco dip and load it in the shotgun or do you just stick the tampoon up your butt, screw the shotgun and smear your face with the taco dip?

........

I am going back to work. My tired little mind is not able to comprehend this right now.

PS MurderDinghy is BRILLIANT!

Posted by: Bethy at June 6, 2008 12:37 PM

I am going to incur the wrath of Nicole, but I love both "moist" AND "panties." Especially when you pronounce it "pannies."

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 12:42 PM

My pervy lady with her moist pannies!

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 6, 2008 12:44 PM

I still like "moisten the pantie clover."

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 6, 2008 12:49 PM

Hee. Pannies of course makes me think of panini, which takes the image to a whoooole new level.

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 12:51 PM

TK: Many thanks for the compliment!

Smash and Nicole: I sincerely apologise for inadvertently unleashing an onslaught of 'm'-words upon your poor, unsuspecting eyes. I shall henceforth banish the word from my vocabulary as penance.

Skittimus Maximus: You did get compensation; the sense of wonder you felt at discovering the sensation of having half-masticated bagel snorted into your nasal cavity! What more could you possibly want?

Re: Music - I'm torn between my unreasonably large collection of Scandinavian grindcore and French black metal CDs (for album artwork, choose from a lovingly-rendered tableaux of a recently dismembered corpse or a black and white photograph of a corpsepainted goon prancing like a troll in a forest attempting to look grim but actually looking like the emo Hobbit that was hounded out of the Shire) or the convenience of my MP3 player...

Re: Books - I just finally got round to buying Max Brooks' 'World War Z' - looking forward to spending a night under the covers with that one (translation: I need a girlfriend).

Posted by: Dill The Devil at June 6, 2008 12:56 PM

Dill, the full cast audiobook is also not to be missed!!

Posted by: Jay at June 6, 2008 12:59 PM

Dill, my brother bought me Brooks' Zombie Survival Guide for my birthday, so I've been dying to read WWZ.

Best book related item this week? I was reliving the glory of Salem's Lot...while sitting in the waiting room before I gave blood. Hee.

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 12:59 PM

I just picked up "World War Z" last night and got about a hundred (awesome) pages in... Now you're telling me I gotta buy the audiobook? Criminy...

Anyone here read the new Sedaris or Burroughs ones? Unfortunately, I gotta wait until the paperbacks come out before I pick them bitches up... goddamed liquor money anyhow...

And finally, along the lines of new vehicles - is MurderCycle cool, or does that sound like a lame-ass apocalyptic sci-fi snoozer?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 6, 2008 1:13 PM

Skitt, I haven't read the new Sedaris yet...I heard that it isn't quite as inspired as his previous stuff, but I'll read anything by him.

I will not, however, be reading the new Burroughs. I know I'm in the minority, but I fucking despised Running with Scissors. Dry was ok, but I wanted to run my head through a wall while reading the former.

When is Sarah Vowell going to write another book? Assassination Vacation is one of my favorite books on the planet.

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 1:22 PM

If it's anything like the motorcycle in The Dark Knight (but with the ability to store alcohol), then a MurderCycle is a fine addition to the fleet.

Posted by: jM at June 6, 2008 1:25 PM

Ok Julie, I think you've outdone yourself. I thought the taco dip was bad enough, but the moist paninis take the cake. Now you've put me off taco dip AND paninis. I hope you're proud of yourself. Here...have some ham.

Oh and Smash...you're a sick mofo. Are you sure you're not Julie's twin or something?

Oh I like the idea of a MurderDinghy, but I get seasick. Can I bring my spaceship? we can name it the SS Murder Enterprise...? No? Battlestar Pajiba? No? Ok...how about MurderShip? (get it? mother...murder...ship? yea? no?) Crap.

Posted by: Joker at June 6, 2008 1:30 PM

I dunno, ask the Eloquents. I'm sure they have a plan for our interstellar domination as well. I'm just trying to find a way for us hard-scrabble half-tards to contribute to the good effort. LTE's need purpose too.

Posted by: divinityblue at June 6, 2008 1:34 PM

Golly, I just love quiet Friday in the office diversions.

Skitt , Mr. Smash is reading the new Burroughs and he says it's weird. Since I just finished "Bonk" I'll be perusing that book soon enough.

Joker , I may be Julie's twin sister. Does she like her tea sweet with lots of ice cubes, a full cup of sugar with a side of fried chicken?

I couldn't help myself with the taco dip/shotgun/tampoon comment. I apologize to those who spit up their lunch and/or vomited a little in their mouth as a result. Huzzah!

Posted by: smash at June 6, 2008 1:38 PM

I am going to incur the wrath of Nicole, but I love both "moist" AND "panties." Especially when you pronounce it "pannies."

I'm seriously doing deep breathing exercises right now just to keep my uvula from twitching. I LOATHE the M word. And Servo, I will come at you with a broken wine bottle if you keep using the p word as well.

I believe in pie, but I don't believe in Jello. Speaking of which, where's Sarina been?

*sniffle* I'm not a New Avenger. My whole reason for living has evaporated. *sobs*

Posted by: Nicole at June 6, 2008 1:39 PM

Agreed, Nicole. I love a nice moist pie.

Posted by: Moisty McMoisterson at June 6, 2008 1:44 PM

I'm still trying to figure out how a word that describes the best characteristic of a perfectly baked and frosted cake can be so offensive. What would we do without moist? We need moist! We cannot survive - or procreate, as it were - without moist. Hell, if you think about it, moist may be one of the most important words in the English language. I demand more respect for moist!

Also: MIKE ROWE, MIKE ROWE, MIKE ROWE!

Posted by: Kolby at June 6, 2008 1:50 PM

Hatemail's blast at Pookie is number one for me. It works on so many levels.

Posted by: JP at June 6, 2008 1:55 PM

Can we have awards for the best commenter name, too? I'm not that skilled, but I think that Moisty McMoisterson deserves some sort of credit - along with B-Slim (sniff)...and Julie - if she's referring to Ali G's "me Julies." (that's right, I used correct punctuation because I am NOT getting over myself as the coolest weirest hiiiipster!)

Actually, I take it back. Everyone here has a cooler Commenter Name than me.

mmm. Moist Taco Panties...

Posted by: Estelle at June 6, 2008 1:55 PM

For those who get seasick, or prefer their attacks to take the form of planetary bombardment (for when the zombiebots fully take over) I offer room onboard my ship Spaceball Two - having learned from past mistakes, rather than that lame statue of liberty knockoff with a vacuum cleaner, MurderMaid will have an impressive array of options, for mass or individual targeted use. With the right hands, it could even take out Uwe Boll and Michael Bay at the same time! Join me on MurderMaid, because really, you couldn't do any worse!

Ok, so it's just really lonely up here. Bad things happen when I get bored. Fellow LTEs welcome to work towards interstellar domination. Joker, sign up now and you can be the XO..

Posted by: lordhelmet at June 6, 2008 1:56 PM

Why isn't Shotgun Tampon the name of a riot grrl band? Is doesn't even google a decent hit when searched as a phrase.

Posted by: SugarFree at June 6, 2008 1:57 PM

Estelle, you should have been here when we were all posting under our porno names. That was the best. I can't quite remember mine, Somethingorother Moistbritches, I believe.

Anyway, when I see YOUR name, I immediately hear in my head, "I HAVE NO TASTE IN FASHION??!!"

Posted by: Kolby at June 6, 2008 2:00 PM

I take that back. What I'm actually hearing is, "I HAVE NO EYE FOR FASHION??!!"

Much better.

Posted by: Kolby at June 6, 2008 2:02 PM

Oh, I remember that, Kolby! Mine (although I didn't contribute) would have been "Muggy Markel" - which has that awesome Hipster Haliteration going for it.

And, uh, I make you think you have no taste in fashion? Is there another Estelle out there? I mean besides the character in No Exit, for which I was named? You should what I am wearing today! Gross cargo shorts, torn T-Shirt, and busted up Chucks - such high fashion!

Posted by: Estelle at June 6, 2008 2:05 PM

I love the homos, Pookie. And apparently they love you. Right in your taint trinket.

Posted by: hatemail at June 6, 2008 2:09 PM

Estelle - your name makes me think of Estelle Costanza, a character from Seinfeld who in turn reminded me of my grandmother. Estelle and her husband, Frank, would elevate their conversations from normal volume to screaming in a matter of nanoseconds, just like Grandma and Grandpa. Ahhhh, memories.

Posted by: Kolby at June 6, 2008 2:14 PM

Dammit, my name is just my initials. I never win anything.

[...kicks up mound of dirt...walks away grumbling]

Posted by: jM at June 6, 2008 2:17 PM

When is Sarah Vowell going to write another book?

Also: When is Sarah Vowell going to show up at my house in skimpy underwear? The issue for me (actually, it's more her problem) would be that she has to talk the whole time. I love that squeaky voice with the very slight lisp.

Nicole, you are a New Avenger -- you're the Joanna Lumley of the Avengers! (heh heh, stumped you with that one, didn't I? Who else stayed up on Friday nights to watch the New Avengers on CBS? You all thought I was talking about the SHIELD raft thing, didn't you?) I just couldn't list more than a few because we've been so lucky with the recruiting the past few months.

The reason? I've been spam-botting bigblackconnect.com and ukrainianloveslave.com and richwithtinydick.com for recruits! Two can play at that game, baby!

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 6, 2008 2:19 PM

jM, my name is my initials... BACKWARDS!!!!

Dun dun DUNNN!!!

Yeah, I'm not much better.

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 2:22 PM

Kolby,

Since you have a cool name, like everyone else, you don't know how FUCKING SHITTY AWFUL GROSS it is to be named after everybody's goddamn grandmother/aunt. Fuck the Costanza's and their Festivus! Fuck all your "Gammas" who play Majong in South Beach. Fuck them all!

phew

and Sarah Vowell rules. If all she'd ever written was the piece on Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash, she'd already be A Great American Thinker. But, no, she went and wrote more.

sorry, everybody's Grandma's. I hate using foul language around Old People, even if they play Zombie Majong in Florida (that's for you TK, and your tank).

Posted by: Estelle at June 6, 2008 2:25 PM

I know TK's real name! I know TK's real name!

[does slightly nervous Dance of Joy, because TK also know's Kolby's real name, and it ain't all that cool, either]

Posted by: Kolby at June 6, 2008 2:30 PM

My friend slung me what I think would be great for a Tuesday distraction, especially with the general atmosphere of homicide and the Boozehound's recent apocalypse-now-right-now-dammit! post:

You are in a mall when the zombies attack. You have:
1. one weapon.
2. one song blasting on the speakers.
3. one famous person to fight alongside you.

Weapon can be real or fictional, you may assume endless ammo if applicable. Person can be real or fictional.

Posted by: twig at June 6, 2008 2:30 PM

Also, TK, if you are at all into cupcakes, the vanilla/vanilla ones at 'Sweet' over past Newbury Street toward the bridge to Cambridge are like eating frosted joy.

Expensive as shit but actually worth the price.

Posted by: twig at June 6, 2008 2:32 PM

Twig -

All of Pajibaverse would choose TK (or is it KT?) and his tank - because TK is famous now.

Song would have to be Country Roads (not the John Denver version, but the Me First and the Gimme Gimmes version, muy better)

Easy. TK + his tank + me + Country Roads = Dead Zombies

Posted by: estelle at June 6, 2008 2:36 PM

What's sad, is that Skittimus Maximus is my real name. Growing up, it's was apparently a reason to get my ass beaten every other recess. Sigh...

[...dim lights and position spotlight on Skittimus Minimus, who plays a haunting piece on a conjoiner-fitted viola accompanied by recorded track of children laughing/screaming...]

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 6, 2008 2:36 PM

Aw, Kolbers, your name is adorable. In fact, I think we should share it with everyone.

[evil smile]

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 2:36 PM

Does she like her tea sweet with lots of ice cubes, a full cup of sugar with a side of fried chicken?

Yes I DO. I need my drinks to be iced cold, I even put ice cubes in my chocolate milk.

My handle is my real name, I am Captain Clever over here. My last name is a verb that begins with C. Very fun.

TK...I think I know your first name now! I remember a long time ago you mentioning a specific movie that had your name. This is very exciting.

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 2:38 PM

It's true friends, I was recruited from bigblackconnect.com. I was weak, ok. I'm black, have a big ass and just felt the need to connect, you know. But, now that I have you guys and even though it takes all of my strength to resist s p a c i n g o u t m y w o r d s, I'm happy.

Posted by: jM at June 6, 2008 2:40 PM

"Growing up, it's was..."

What the hell happened there?

Julie is it any of the following:
Chucking
Chase
Crease
Crisp
Crinkle
Crabwalk
Crowbartodeath

Anything?

Kick-ass diversion suggestion - DO IT ON TUESDAY! DO IT DAMMIT!!

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 6, 2008 2:44 PM

Sorry dude.

Posted by: boo at June 6, 2008 2:45 PM

Jules - even water? I have to drink my water at room temperature, otherwise I can't get much down.

Anyway, MY name is a play on my married last name. My actual, real, honest-to-goodness first name would send Pajibans into a fit of laughter that would not be easy to recover from. And that's all I have to say about that.

Posted by: Kolby at June 6, 2008 2:46 PM

Way to go with the HTML thingies. I'm batting a thousand here...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 6, 2008 2:47 PM

Mr. Hatemail your disgusting hatred of the gays is reprehensible. I do not engage in man love, and I will NOT be associated with you or your secretive ways. You will not seduce me with love or treasure. I like woman love and nothing else. Repent you beast, or your soul will burn in the lake of fire for all time. Be not of the backside of man, but love the humanity of people.

Posted by: Pookie at June 6, 2008 2:50 PM

HA! Holy shit Skitt...you guessed it. No joke.

[hands you a crisp new five dollar bill and a hat for Minimus]

Kolby, especially water. I love ice. When my brother, father and I lived in the same house there was never any in the freezer. Ice. Whores.

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 2:50 PM

Oh yeah...the porno names! That was a great thread....lotsa fun. Much taco dip and scrabble to be had by all. I got the tapes..fantastic quality. I'm thinking of starting up my own company...PAJIBA GONE WILD!!!1!! Call now and get your limited edition dvd! You may see yourself! Show off that new technique to friends the right way!

Posted by: PornoPony of Dakaron at June 6, 2008 2:51 PM

Aww...that was such a fun thread.

[whistles Memories, which slowly ebbs into Bow Chicka Bow Bow]

Posted by: Hot Twat McGriddle at June 6, 2008 2:54 PM

Umm...my name's not nearly as exciting as my handle. Julie knows it...damn her...I have no dirt on her....

I despise ice in my drinks. I'd rather drink my drinks at room temperature than watered down, as they invariably become with ice cubes. Or should I say...liquid suck?

Plus...they make my tabletop all moist...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 6, 2008 2:56 PM

You people are real pieces, you know that?

Patting yourselves on the back for an online conversation you had, like when, months ago??

Truly amazing work. I'm astounded by your wit.

Posted by: yarp at June 6, 2008 2:58 PM

TK we should start an old school rap duo like Salt'n Pepa. If Paula Abdul and MC ScatCat taught me anything, it's that opposites attract.

Name guessing?...I like.

TK has to have a devious name.

Kicking Toddlers
Kitten Tripper
Kite Twister...

I think I'm on the right track.

Posted by: jM at June 6, 2008 2:59 PM

I drink everything too fast to become watered down. And your name is too exciting! I could only wish that MY name was Herbie Von Fluffypants.

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 2:59 PM

Oh yarp. Let's hug.

Posted by: Kolby at June 6, 2008 3:01 PM

TK = Ken Tingleberries?

Close?

Possible kissin cuzins connection with Julie as I too like ice in my milk!

Damnit, I said milk.

Posted by: smash at June 6, 2008 3:01 PM

Killer Turkey...

Krimp Tester...

Klown Taper...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 6, 2008 3:02 PM

yarp, there's a MurderMuzzle with your name on it.

Posted by: jM at June 6, 2008 3:04 PM

Now I want to watch Hot Fuzz.

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 3:05 PM

I'll hand Skitt another five for being so spot on with Servo's name. Like Goolee, I just use my real name on here. Cuts down on my confusion.

I can't think of TK as being anyone other than TK. Even if I knew your real name, you would be TK to me. Same goes, Kolby.

Thank you, socalled for giving me back my will to live. And Shadows, I know your name too, beeyotch. Step carefully.

Posted by: Nicole at June 6, 2008 3:08 PM

Shadows of Dakaron, stop being so taunty with the M word! Evil little monkey. Or is it more like evil little monkey covered in taco dip with a tampoon in your ear, holding a shotgun?

Posted by: smash at June 6, 2008 3:09 PM

Honey Moistbritches! It was Honey Moistbritches!

Good thing, too, because that would have bothered me all night long.

Cue Lionel Richie music.

Posted by: Kolby at June 6, 2008 3:09 PM

Just out of curiosity...how much cooler is it to post hate on a board which doesn't pretend what it's about and make fun of everybody behind the screen of an anonymous name? If we were having this conversation at the mall someplace, all together as a group in person, would it be that much easier to walk up to us and start calling us hipster idiots?

Amazing how brave people become when there are no perceived repercussions to being an asshole.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 6, 2008 3:10 PM

And Shadows, I know your name too, beeyotch. Step carefully.

Damn...I don't have ay dirt on you either...ummm...ignore the furtive movements behind your bushes tonight...and the camera flash...and the hidden mikes...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 6, 2008 3:15 PM

John Gabriel's Greater Internet Dickwad Theory!

Posted by: twig at June 6, 2008 3:15 PM

Much much cooler Shadows. Because obviously we all don't discuss things that really interest us, like David Sedaris books and Beck and the intrinsic awesomeness of sharks throwing helicopters at people and tornados eating Cary Elwes. We discuss these things because we want people who we'll likely never meet in person to like us.

And I love being called a hipster because I...like stuff.

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 3:16 PM

Because it is so much easier to get your attention when I'm being an asshole.

I just want to be loved. For my hate. If I can't find that here, then where?

Posted by: yarp at June 6, 2008 3:16 PM

Oh, Yarp, your witty criticism is SO spot-on. Nothing better than making fun of a group of friends for, you know, being friends, eh? You're BRILLIANT!!!

Let's totally make out. I wanna hump you in the facehole. Your charm is irresistible.

And it's Kocko Torpedomouth, for those who were wondering.

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 3:17 PM

Or you could just try being interesting. And smart. It seems to work for everyone else.

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 3:19 PM

Levitticus 25:17: Be ye not afraid, my children, of the homosexual, for they are good and kind and populate The Food Network and Bravo with many ample shows. Without them, there would be no Sex and the City, nor Broadway Musical, nor a shoulder upon which the non-cheerleader girls to giggle during the glorious reckoning of high school.
Do not act like a brother, for thou art truly a white man, and live in a trailer, and thou dost poison my brothers with your tomfoolery and douchebaggery.
And you will know my name is The Pookie, because I'm afraid of vaginas and I talk like Billy Dee Williams after a head injury.

And yarp, you sure your name shouldn't be bagehcoud?

Posted by: hatemail at June 6, 2008 3:19 PM

What's wrong Shadows of Dakaron, you want out of the family?

Posted by: Pookie at June 6, 2008 3:23 PM

Hell. Yeah. Ten bucks, bitches! Whoooo... This'll get me started on the road to oblivion come five bells...

Thank you Nicole, thank you Julie Crowbartodeath!

You don't like it, don't keep reading. Go visit AICN where the wit is more along the lines of "FIRST BITCHES! LMAO".

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 6, 2008 3:23 PM

"Or you could just try being interesting. And smart. It seems to work for everyone else."

I think you give some people here too much credit.

I'm sorry, but pnilleps sdrawkcab does not make you clever.

Posted by: yarp at June 6, 2008 3:23 PM

My posting-name is a nickname I picked up in college and a play on my real last name. I used it as my on-air name when I did college radio, too. By the time I graduated there were people who knew me only by the nickname. And that's the way I'll keep it. In my opinion, my real name makes me sound like I'm the stuffy-evil-Dean-of-the-College from a 70's or 80's movie.

And I kinda wonder if yarp is trying to convert us all from our heathenistic, Godtopus worshiping ways, as their posting-name is "pray" backwards? Nice try yarp, but if my mother can't do it, what chance have you got?

Posted by: Bistro at June 6, 2008 3:24 PM

TK is telling the truth. His name really is Kocko Torpedomouth. And that's why he goes by TK.
What? The poor guy's parents are foreign. Shhhhh!

Posted by: Kolby at June 6, 2008 3:25 PM

My handle is just my nickname. It's real original. My first name starts with a P, so people call me Pea. Or sometimes Sweetpea, if they're being all affectionate-like.

Posted by: Pea at June 6, 2008 3:27 PM

Sigh...no, Skitt, it's CRINKLE. Yeesh.

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 3:27 PM

Julie, I always thought your last name would be more salacious. I think I'm gonna cry.

Posted by: jM at June 6, 2008 3:31 PM

yarp I'll love you for your hate. I'm friggin' oozing it outta every pore. But you can't expect to show up, insult people for... well, liking stuff, and expect no backlash...

Like that time I walked into the Holiday Inn NAMBLA conference - I ran in in my Cub Scout uniform (with the shorts on backwards and the zipper down), screamed that they were a bunch of skeevy, twisted pervs, yet somehow, I had the audacity to be offended when they wouldn't serve me at the bar...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at June 6, 2008 3:31 PM

Yeah, I didn't think so much about the whole "wanting a Hollywood career" thing before I started writing hateful reviews under my real name.

Ah, well. Looks like it's independent distribution for me! Wheee!

Posted by: insertclevernamehere at June 6, 2008 3:33 PM

I don't give a shit whether you pray or not.

And if you were paying attention, I just mocked someone for spelling backwards. Now, reason may lead you to believe that I wouldn't judge that harshly if I, too, employed it. Clearly, you are an idiot.

Someone up thread was right; it is a Hot Fuzz reference. Surprise, I like movies. I can do that AND have a pissy attitude. They are not mutually exclusive.

Posted by: yarp at June 6, 2008 3:36 PM

jM, you can call me Julie Cockgobbling if it makes you happy. That's a sweet and salacious verb.

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 3:36 PM

The "J" in my handle is for my first name which is a flower, tea, a Disney Princess, or a popular name for strippers. Though it will never sound as good as, "Julie Cockgobbling on the mainstage!"

Posted by: jM at June 6, 2008 3:40 PM

God DAMN IT jM, now I have "A Whole New World" stuck in my head. Get it out. Get it out!!

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 3:43 PM

Krusty Tampoon

Kinky Toadstool

Keepin Toasted

Killer Tits

Krinkly Topsheet

Am I getting close? This is fun.

Posted by: Phat girl at June 6, 2008 3:45 PM

Ok ok Hatemail I must admit, I do like Top Chef and I especially love Iron Chef ( Mario is my favorite). I am certainly a brother and I'm mixed, and I can no more denounce my grandmother than I can, .....oh sorry wrong speech. Hatemail you are a trouble maker, someone paid you handsomely to attack me and my words. Go back and tell your handlers that I will not quit, your kind is not wanted at pajiba. I will not be a part of your sick sexual games.

Posted by: Pookie at June 6, 2008 3:46 PM

I know TK's real name! I know TK's real name!

People! It's Krusty Trombone.

I talk like Billy Dee Williams after a head injury

My fourteenth out-loud chuckle today.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at June 6, 2008 3:46 PM

Woo, I'm gettin' some yarp hate just for not hitting refresh before posting! W00t!!111!! LOL.

Sorry everyone else, I'm just trying to not be so damn hipster and bring things down to yarp's preferred blog level. I always thought that what we needed around here was another Pookie, but one who wasn't joking. Welcome yarp. May you help us all to collectively LMFAO!!11!

Posted by: Bistro at June 6, 2008 3:48 PM

HAHAHAHAHA. My work here is done.

[walks backwards into shadows, cues clip of Spacey saying, "...and like that, he's gone."]

Posted by: jM at June 6, 2008 3:49 PM

I can't believe you people are so cruel that you would make fun of my name. Kocko is a family name, you assholes. Thanks a LOT, Kolby.

God, you hipsters can be so MEAN. With your reading and your music and your fancy, non-suggestive first names.

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 4:02 PM

I just got the most terrific idea for a new television variety show EVER!

"The Kolby & Kocko Variety Hour"

We'll make millions, I tell you! Millions!

Posted by: Kolby at June 6, 2008 4:08 PM

I would certainly watch that Kolbs, but there better be tap dancing zombies.

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 4:12 PM

Fuck it, I'm in.

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 4:15 PM

Youd just be working them down to the bone...

Anyone? Hello?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 6, 2008 4:17 PM

I don't think I've ever been called a hipster in my life. I can't tell if I should be insulted or not. 'Cause, you know, hipsters are much cooler (or is that coooooler?) than me nerdself. Also, I think I'm too old to be a hipster. Hmm, I guess the hipster comment wasn't directed at me then. Ok then, carry on.

Oh yeah, if we ever have that Pajibacon (I'm not holding my breath), TK will be TK, Kolby will be Kolby, socalled will be socalled (not even Ted), etc., etc. You will be forced to go by your Pajiba handle. Sorry. And jM, yes that means we'll be calling you "little j, big M."

divinityblue, I love the idea of the MurderDinghy.

Posted by: tamatha at June 6, 2008 4:22 PM

Robot Cock... Just Because.

Posted by: JP at June 6, 2008 4:23 PM

TK will be TK, Kolby will be Kolby, socalled will be socalled (not even Ted), etc., etc...

Hee...that's so true Tamatha, when I hung with PissBoy for the first time I forgot his real name halfway through the night. I realized in horror that I was thinking of him as his Pajiba handle, and had to ask him his name again.

It was awesome. And I am a moron.

Posted by: Julie at June 6, 2008 4:25 PM

Not unlike Ranylt, who knows my real name, yet calls me "Teek" for short anyway.

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 4:27 PM

Nice job Brownribbon! The pot roast comment had me giggling all week :-)

Posted by: Be Adequite! at June 6, 2008 4:34 PM

I'm sorry TK, I didn't mean to be an asshole fancy reading music listening hipster meanie.

But if it makes you feel any better I was a difficult birth and my mother was on some serious drugs when she filled out the birth certificate and tried to name me "Virginia". I am still trying to track down and kill the fucking nurse who sent it through with the unfortunate misspelling of Virgina. So until you go through sixth grade with a name that is that close to both vagina and virgin (and was usually mispronounced as Ver-jy-na)don't go gettin all defensive about a suggestive first name.

Posted by: Phat girl at June 6, 2008 4:35 PM

KT = Kamikaze Tampon
= Kaiser Taco
= Kickshaw Tallyho
= Krugerand Talliwacker

Posted by: JP at June 6, 2008 4:38 PM

Awesome^^^

Posted by: jM at June 6, 2008 4:39 PM

KrispyKreme Tarantella.

Posted by: Kolby at June 6, 2008 4:42 PM

Huh. You'd think people could think up more creative insults. Hipster? That is the best you can do??

Weak, brotha.

That, and liberal. When did these things become insults??

Now I wanna hear someone insult me with something really original; you know, something that hits me right in my hurty. Like, "U tattooed freak! Ur skin will look horible when your 108!"

No, wait. I've heard that one before. But only once...maybe twice.

Posted by: boo at June 6, 2008 4:44 PM

Dammit Phat Girl, I can't tell if you're joking about my joke or not. I'm so confusified.

And JP, I WISH my name was Kickshaw Tallyho, because that fucking rocks.

Stupid Torpedohead family. Damn you, Grandpa Kocko.

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 4:46 PM

Julie- Why would you call Pissboy anything other than Pissboy? His real name could not possibly be any more appropriate!

Posted by: tamatha at June 6, 2008 4:51 PM

TK - you will appreciate this - here in my lovely city of Louisville KY we have a bar called TK's Pub (one of my best friends met her husband there!) and ALSO a very popular restaurant called KT's!!! You would fit right in around here!

Posted by: SCG at June 6, 2008 5:21 PM

well TK, if it will make you feel any better I will start referring to you as Kickshaw Tallyho. Its much better than my name, Jesper Parnevik.

Posted by: JP at June 6, 2008 5:30 PM

Well that's a relief. I thought it stood for Jettisoned Poop, and I didn't want to bring up what would clearly be a sore subject.

Posted by: TK at June 6, 2008 5:33 PM

No. I'm actually a famous golfer known for his outlandish outfits who reads the Pajiba webite between holes. (hehehe). I also banged my child's super hot nanny who is now married to Tiger Woods.
But now you have caused me flashbacks of my days in Sweden as a nyfodd. I was such a prodigious crapper I was given the name "Jett Pooper", and laughed at by friends and family for years. Golf courses were my only sanctuary until I was old enough to flee to America. But alas...

Posted by: JP at June 6, 2008 5:48 PM

"3. [in reference to The Strangers] So this chick from work walked in this morning and talked all about seeing this movie last night, going on and on about how stupid it was, what a waste of money... and that her two children, ages 4 and 5, didn't think it was very good either.
I tried to give her my best "dot dot dot" face, but it was lost on her. As are a lot of things, I'm certain. -- divinityblue"

Holy Crap. I saw The Strangers and then Forgetting Sarah Marshall at the drive in the other night, and in the car right next to me and the boy were a family, with a boy and a girl, probably about 3 and 5 years old, respectively. The Strangers. Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Hmm...

The best part was that the kids seemed bored...not scared, but just plain BORED...and kept turning around to stare at the other screen and watch Sex and the City.

Posted by: Kate at June 7, 2008 2:38 AM

Karate Toejam?

Also, though I may (and usually do) disagree with the reviews, at least I'm not a total slag...

Posted by: Adam C at June 7, 2008 5:06 AM

'K, so I know I'm entering the game really ridiculously late, but I'd just like to thank you all for entertaining me while I have basically been sitting in an un-air-conditioned dorm looking after alumni at my college--in other words, getting bored out of my gourd. Thank god for the interwebs, despite the accompanying douchebaggery!

Also, twig's diversion suggestion must be done. Entertaining myself for the next half hour at least will consist of thinking of perfect responses.

Posted by: kalexal at June 7, 2008 12:42 PM

I know I am late to the party, but I have to respond to something I saw about "sodden" library books.

My local library has a wonder woman book, and they had it laminated. LAMINATED! It didn't come that way, THEY did it. Just think about that...

or don't.

Posted by: Theresa at June 7, 2008 9:56 PM

Kolby, I hear you on the bliss-induced pregnancy state of being. I have 17 weeks left.. yipee!!! Although, I fear my husband has not faired well, as he has caught the brunt of my pregnancy crazies (which I swear only occurred in the first 3 months). He told me I looked beautiful one morning and I promptly replied "Don't you fucking patronize me". I think he lives in fear of what I will say next, not knowing if I am happy pregnant or the alterna-pregnant woman. Cheers on your remaining 22 weeks!

Posted by: legib at June 8, 2008 7:00 PM

Wow, I have heat stroke over the weekend, and I miss the fact that Prisco loves me . He he. I feel special.

Posted by: dammitjanet at June 9, 2008 10:28 AM

Man, I go offline for a few days, and I end up a winner! I have no speech prepared...um, thanks to all of the fine Eloquents and Pajibans who keep me laughing while wasting office time.
I feel so loved within your moist, taco dip-scented embrace.

(Also...um...stay in school, crack is wack, and keep reaching for the stars! Free Tibet!)

Posted by: brownribbon at June 10, 2008 9:01 AM

Iwould like to correct the glaring oversight of the MurderSub. You don't think that the zombies are going to go aquatic?

Posted by: Vee at June 10, 2008 11:02 AM

You don't think that the zombies are going to go aquatic?

You realize the zombies are on our side, right? They could be used as a boarding party...or torpedoes...or just to hang on the sides of the MurderSub™ and disguise its heat signature...water zombies are so useful!

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at June 10, 2008 11:10 AM

God, I love you guys! Y'all make my work days infinitely more bearable. Plus, I get a major fit of the giggle anytime someone says "poop". Hee!

Posted by: jess at June 10, 2008 7:01 PM

The zombies are on our side!?!

Damn it, I'm late to the party and don't even know who's house I'm in.

I'd also like to confess that I read Pajiba at night before I go to bed and I blame yall for the three nightmares of the undead I've had lately.

Posted by: Vee at June 10, 2008 7:04 PM

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