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May 16, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | Eloquent Eloquence | May 16, 2008 |

Before moving on to the Top Ten Comments of the week, I just want to take a moment to celebrate the expiration of the Frontier(s) ad that’s been polluting the sidebar for the last month. I apologize for its existence, but come tomorrow, it’ll be gone. Forever.

Moving on:

10. “Wait, Pookie left? Seriously? Would it be in bad form to dance a jig? I mean, I liked his non-seqiturs and TP defense as much as anyone, but considering I was his unofficial nemesis and all, I feel I should celebrate. — Vermillion

“Dude, that is so racist.” —socalledonlycousins

“It’s okay; I’m black! Besides, softshoe is racist, jigs are fun.” —Vermillion

9. “Geez! Where are you people hiding? Everyone I talk to is nuts for these formula films. When I fussed about 27 Dresses being a formula film the response was, “A formula film? Like a math formula?” “Kind of. They put elements that have worked previously to get a desired outcome.” “Oh what a good idea! So, it’s guaranteed to be good!” When I fussed about Made of Honor, the response was, “Ya, but Patrick Dempsey is in it so it will be wonderful.” When I fussed about What Happens in Vegas being a formula film, the answer was, “But formula films are always funny.”

Ugh! Maybe I just need to find a different, more bitchy set of friends.” —Brenia

“Sorry Brenia, but your friends just got added to The List.” — Bistro

8. Goddammit! Have none of you seen Idiocracy? While we smug and complace ourselves into proper family sizes, the trailer brigades will be fetally dominating us! We’re going to lose evolution to Cletus!

I suggest, nay DEMAND, we immediately gather for the first Pajiborgy. It is for the good of mankind that we must populate the world with bitchy eight year olds in Misfits jackets and Homestarrunner lunchboxes discussing the eco-ramifications of Sesame Street, and how Dora the Explorer hasn’t been the same since she went off the sauce.

It is our civic duty people. We gather, Dustin’s front lawn, 8 PM E.S.T. Commence to jigglin’. insertclevername

7.“I just dropped around two hundred bucks on a shitload of cottage cheese and a box of Hefty Yard Bags (with that puncture proof whatchamafrigger). It looks nothing like a butt. Nothing at… (hold on a sec, lemme roll it) …Nope. It looks like an idiot (i.e. me) filled a garbage bag with large-curd cottage cheese… NOW WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!” — Skittimus Maximus

6. [On Frontier(s)] “Phillip, having lived in France I feel I can explain this one a bit. You see, the French are NEVER WRONG in anything that they do. It can’t be their rampant systemic racism that caused the 2005 riots, nor can there be lingering anti-semitism in their country, that would mean they lost the war, at least for a little while. Still being French, they have to say something about what’s happened, they did perfect democracy after all, so they come out with a stupid film that mentions important issues in passing, rather than examines them in detail, because that would mean they would have to admit at least a bit of guilt.” — Agent Provacatrice

5. “Werner Herzog directing Nicolas Cage? I.. I just have no idea whatsoever how I feel about that. I’ve been something of a Cage apologist for years, arguing stridently that when he has a director capable of reigning in his more bizarre tendencies, he can deliver an incredible performance (see Adaptation, Leaving Las Vegas, etc.). After dealing with Klaus Kinski for as long as he did, I imagine Herzog would be more than up to the task… But I suspect Herzog may just let Cage go ‘HOW’DITGETBURNEDHOW’DITGETBURNED’ apeshit just for shits and giggles. —Dill the Devil

4. “I ain’t got no sympathy for that c*nt Katie Holmes, she thought she was going to be marrying Ethan Hunt but instead she married a closeted homo with a Hitler fetish. And to top it all off, that f*g pulled her out of Batman because he thought motherfuckers wasn’t going to take his Scientology shit serious. How the fuck do you let some queer tell you to leave Batman? Bitch Batman is about to blow up, they’re going to be making more money than Halliburton. And what the fuck are you left with? You’re left with trying to sell baby pictures.” — Pookie

“Pooks, baby—tell us how you really feel. momma thinks you need a scientolohug.” — wsapnin

3. “Is Scientology anti-Batman, Pook? That’s just wrong. I mean, is it because their alien worshipping ways cannot accept a hero WHO CAN BEAT SUPERMAN! (Yes, fellow Paji-nerds, I am hoping to derail this one early.)” — TyranThesaurus

“Nightcrawler always wins. He just teleports them into the other dimension. No chance of getting back. Also i have to wonder if it’s possible for Nightcrawler to telefrag someone.” — Chugga

“There is no way in which Batman has not already accounted for this. Two words: crazy prepared. There is no beating him. Seriously.” — Alex the Odd

“Batman’s the ultimate hero: a freakin’ genius and naturally gifted warrior with an (effectively) unlimited budget. He’d totally have anti-alternate-dimension tinfoil woven into his utility belt.” — Ed

2. “Women can incubate, nurture and ultimately bear forth a living and unique human being from their bodies, from an opening that is normally the width of a coin.

Men can pee standing up.” —Jerce

“I challenge any woman here to write their name in the snow as satisfyingly as we can.” —Shadows of Dakaron

“Damn it Shadows, now I want to go home and…pee in the freezer. I’m the best roommate EVER.” — Julie

1. So you think that the judge sentencing them to live together is preposterous, huh?

Setting: A small city in the Midwest, 1925.

Synopsis: A group of young boys get into a fight on their way home from school. One goes home and gets his (divorced) mother, who comes back to intervene with a “large club.” A gun is brought in to the fight; one boy’s arm is shot twice and then clubbed, causing a severe break; the woman is shot and sustains a “3-inch scalp wound that proved not to be serious.”

Resolution: The woman is soon taken to court, where her handyman just happens to be on trial for moonshining. The judge decrees that, if the two will get married and leave the county, he will drop all charges.

And that, my friends, is the story of how my great-grandparents got married. And I have the newspaper clippings and court records to prove it. — frumpiefox

And, as our winner for top comment of the week, I’ll be sending Frumpiefox David Trottier’s The Screenwriter’s Bible: A Complete Guide to Writing, Formatting, and Selling Your Script . I hope you use it wisely.

… and before signing off, here’s Skittimus Maximus’ latest doodle brilliance. We’ll call it: Ode to Scrabble Sex.


The Passion of Christ In My Pants

Eloquent Eloquence / The Top 10 Comments of the Week

Eloquent Eloquence | May 16, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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