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The Passion of Christ In My Pants

Eloquent Eloquence / The Top 10 Comments of the Week

Eloquent Eloquence | May 16, 2008 | Comments (159)

Before moving on to the Top Ten Comments of the week, I just want to take a moment to celebrate the expiration of the Frontier(s) ad that’s been polluting the sidebar for the last month. I apologize for its existence, but come tomorrow, it’ll be gone. Forever.

Moving on:

10. “Wait, Pookie left? Seriously? Would it be in bad form to dance a jig? I mean, I liked his non-seqiturs and TP defense as much as anyone, but considering I was his unofficial nemesis and all, I feel I should celebrate. — Vermillion

“Dude, that is so racist.” —socalledonlycousins

“It’s okay; I’m black! Besides, softshoe is racist, jigs are fun.” —Vermillion

9. “Geez! Where are you people hiding? Everyone I talk to is nuts for these formula films. When I fussed about 27 Dresses being a formula film the response was, “A formula film? Like a math formula?” “Kind of. They put elements that have worked previously to get a desired outcome.” “Oh what a good idea! So, it’s guaranteed to be good!” When I fussed about Made of Honor, the response was, “Ya, but Patrick Dempsey is in it so it will be wonderful.” When I fussed about What Happens in Vegas being a formula film, the answer was, “But formula films are always funny.”

Ugh! Maybe I just need to find a different, more bitchy set of friends.” —Brenia

“Sorry Brenia, but your friends just got added to The List.” — Bistro

8. Goddammit! Have none of you seen Idiocracy? While we smug and complace ourselves into proper family sizes, the trailer brigades will be fetally dominating us! We’re going to lose evolution to Cletus!

I suggest, nay DEMAND, we immediately gather for the first Pajiborgy. It is for the good of mankind that we must populate the world with bitchy eight year olds in Misfits jackets and Homestarrunner lunchboxes discussing the eco-ramifications of Sesame Street, and how Dora the Explorer hasn’t been the same since she went off the sauce.

It is our civic duty people. We gather, Dustin’s front lawn, 8 PM E.S.T. Commence to jigglin’. insertclevername

7.“I just dropped around two hundred bucks on a shitload of cottage cheese and a box of Hefty Yard Bags (with that puncture proof whatchamafrigger). It looks nothing like a butt. Nothing at… (hold on a sec, lemme roll it) …Nope. It looks like an idiot (i.e. me) filled a garbage bag with large-curd cottage cheese… NOW WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!” — Skittimus Maximus

6. [On Frontier(s)] “Phillip, having lived in France I feel I can explain this one a bit. You see, the French are NEVER WRONG in anything that they do. It can’t be their rampant systemic racism that caused the 2005 riots, nor can there be lingering anti-semitism in their country, that would mean they lost the war, at least for a little while. Still being French, they have to say something about what’s happened, they did perfect democracy after all, so they come out with a stupid film that mentions important issues in passing, rather than examines them in detail, because that would mean they would have to admit at least a bit of guilt.” — Agent Provacatrice

5. “Werner Herzog directing Nicolas Cage? I.. I just have no idea whatsoever how I feel about that. I’ve been something of a Cage apologist for years, arguing stridently that when he has a director capable of reigning in his more bizarre tendencies, he can deliver an incredible performance (see Adaptation, Leaving Las Vegas, etc.). After dealing with Klaus Kinski for as long as he did, I imagine Herzog would be more than up to the task… But I suspect Herzog may just let Cage go ‘HOW’DITGETBURNEDHOW’DITGETBURNED’ apeshit just for shits and giggles. —Dill the Devil

4. “I ain’t got no sympathy for that c*nt Katie Holmes, she thought she was going to be marrying Ethan Hunt but instead she married a closeted homo with a Hitler fetish. And to top it all off, that f*g pulled her out of Batman because he thought motherfuckers wasn’t going to take his Scientology shit serious. How the fuck do you let some queer tell you to leave Batman? Bitch Batman is about to blow up, they’re going to be making more money than Halliburton. And what the fuck are you left with? You’re left with trying to sell baby pictures.” — Pookie

“Pooks, baby—tell us how you really feel. momma thinks you need a scientolohug.” — wsapnin

3. “Is Scientology anti-Batman, Pook? That’s just wrong. I mean, is it because their alien worshipping ways cannot accept a hero WHO CAN BEAT SUPERMAN! (Yes, fellow Paji-nerds, I am hoping to derail this one early.)” — TyranThesaurus

“Nightcrawler always wins. He just teleports them into the other dimension. No chance of getting back. Also i have to wonder if it’s possible for Nightcrawler to telefrag someone.” — Chugga

“There is no way in which Batman has not already accounted for this. Two words: crazy prepared. There is no beating him. Seriously.” — Alex the Odd

“Batman’s the ultimate hero: a freakin’ genius and naturally gifted warrior with an (effectively) unlimited budget. He’d totally have anti-alternate-dimension tinfoil woven into his utility belt.” — Ed

2. “Women can incubate, nurture and ultimately bear forth a living and unique human being from their bodies, from an opening that is normally the width of a coin.

Men can pee standing up.” —Jerce

“I challenge any woman here to write their name in the snow as satisfyingly as we can.” —Shadows of Dakaron

“Damn it Shadows, now I want to go home and…pee in the freezer. I’m the best roommate EVER.” — Julie


1. So you think that the judge sentencing them to live together is preposterous, huh?

Setting: A small city in the Midwest, 1925.

Synopsis: A group of young boys get into a fight on their way home from school. One goes home and gets his (divorced) mother, who comes back to intervene with a “large club.” A gun is brought in to the fight; one boy’s arm is shot twice and then clubbed, causing a severe break; the woman is shot and sustains a “3-inch scalp wound that proved not to be serious.”

Resolution: The woman is soon taken to court, where her handyman just happens to be on trial for moonshining. The judge decrees that, if the two will get married and leave the county, he will drop all charges.

And that, my friends, is the story of how my great-grandparents got married. And I have the newspaper clippings and court records to prove it. — frumpiefox

And, as our winner for top comment of the week, I’ll be sending Frumpiefox David Trottier’s The Screenwriter’s Bible: A Complete Guide to Writing, Formatting, and Selling Your Script . I hope you use it wisely.

… and before signing off, here’s Skittimus Maximus’ latest doodle brilliance. We’ll call it: Ode to Scrabble Sex.


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Comments

Ya'll need to change the html thingy to link up to the right post. The orginal links up to last week's comment of the same topic.

Posted by: Ernesto at May 16, 2008 11:32 AM

I've been away all week doing funeral-related tasks, and this just set me up for a good day. I missed you Pajibans.

Posted by: Nicole at May 16, 2008 11:45 AM

I am sorry to hear you were involved in a funeral, Nicole.

It is something every one of us either has had to do, or will have to do at some point in our lives.

Posted by: Jerce at May 16, 2008 11:49 AM

So I have to apologize for not being here as much lately. There've been so renovations being done, furniture constantly moved around, people walking in and out, and work being piled on, so I haven't had that much of a chance to show my Pajiban love. So I go home and get on and read the reviews and read the comments and laugh to myself at the great conversations going on without me and the excellent reviews I haven't commented on and I think about saying something but I realize that it's long past time of the original discussion and it's too late to speak up and it would make me seem like that dork in high school who would speak up after the subject of the conversation had already shifted away from the original topic with a point about the original topic and everyone kinda looks at him with pity and disgusts and he slinks away with his tail between his legs.

And so I bite back my snark and pithy comments and cry a little and hold my legs to my chest and wonder why no one likes me and put on some Fall Out Boy and look at the screen stupidly, wishing I could be part of the cool crowd of Eloquents. And then run to my room and sob into my pillow, calling out "Godtopus, why have you forsaken me?" and think about cracking my Juno DVD in half and slitting my wrists with it.

Of course, then my baby cousin walks into the room and bitch slaps me and calls me a...well...(you-know-what)...and brings me back to my senses again. And that's when I realize that I never left...and I'm all happy again and and hum the theme to The Great Muppet Caper to myself and think about looking to post more strange and hateful comments. I solemnly thank her before kicking her butt for hitting me. And I get out my copy of Bloodrayne and stare at the over to remind myself why I hate bad movies.

Of course...none of this really happened...or maybe it did...or not.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 11:50 AM

Woo! Congrats Frumpie!

And my first time making the list! I'm so excited! Can I dance a jig?

And can I use more exclamation points!!!

Posted by: Bistro at May 16, 2008 11:50 AM

Yeah, I have been gone, too. I had to make sure I didn't flunk out school, or burn it to the ground. But, back to business, let's guess who the "J" and "S" scrabble pieces represent.

Posted by: jM at May 16, 2008 11:59 AM

Nicole, I have no idea how to phrase this so it doesn't sound weird and awkward, but without prying for details which are none of my business...I'm sorry someone died. And that you had to be there. I mean, when they were buried, not when they died. Although if you were there when they died, I'm also sorry for that.

I've been really sick for the last several days and am pretty doped up on meds and clearly need very badly to shut the hell up.

Posted by: Sarina at May 16, 2008 12:00 PM

*Scrabble

Posted by: jM at May 16, 2008 12:01 PM

I wanna be the "S".

Nicole, I'm very sorry for your loss. I saw it earlier but didn't know how to say anything without coming off as weird creepy internet stalker guy...I mean, more than I already do. It is a hard thing to go through, but it does start the healing process.

Why does Scrabble Sex make me think of the old Spiderman song?

Scrabble Sex!
Scrabble Sex!
Do whatever your tile says!
Form an X, with your board,
Slip a tile out from your hoard

Watch out...here comes some Scrabble Sex!

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 12:09 PM

[looks at the Scrabble Sex picture}

...

[laughs maniacally]

...

[chokes on her own evil]

...

[dies]

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 12:14 PM

I assumed the S was Skits since it's smoking. And I like to think the J is Julie, because lounging in a vat of taco dip and talking about how hard you double-word-scored would be a very Julie thing to do.

Posted by: Sarina at May 16, 2008 12:17 PM

We've missed you here Nicole, I hope you're doing ok and that yesterday...well, not went well, but went as smoothly as those things go.

Skitt, you are brilliant. I made that picture my desktop.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 12:17 PM

[looks at Julie's corpse]

...

[puts on zombiefyin' hat]

...

[creates creature of unimaginable evil]

...

[giggles]

Posted by: TK at May 16, 2008 12:19 PM

Kudos to Frumpiefox. Woo hoo!

Allow me, if you will, to be self-serving for a moment: as a composer, I would like to request--nay, DEMAND--that I be hired to score Frumpiefox's eventual blockbuster film adaptation of her great-grandparents' story. I must be involved with that greatest of all film projects to be somehow.

Posted by: Armando at May 16, 2008 12:33 PM

Wouldn't the Prileau book have been a more appropriate give away this week? Dustin is clearly just giving away books from his bookshelf now. Must be making room for the Elmo and Diego books for Lil Pajiba.

Posted by: Riles at May 16, 2008 12:35 PM

Braiiiii.... No. Ahem.

Mango chutney and barbecued human fle.... Uh uh. Not right. Hmm.

Taco diiiiippppp!!

Posted by: Zulie (combo of zombie and Julie, get it? Sigh.) at May 16, 2008 12:42 PM

Oh, damnit, TK! What am I gonna do with a zombie Julie?

...

wait a minute...

Never mind. I can find uses for a fiance that doesn't have a need to breathe.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 12:48 PM

That vat of taco dip is gonna have to get considerably larger if it's going to be able to hold an entire Scrabble themed Pajiba orgy.

Posted by: jM at May 16, 2008 12:52 PM

Well...damn! :) Now I have no excuse not to write it into a screenplay.

I think I'd rather have a well loved copy of the Kama Sutra than Prileau's book, after all the weirdness and hoopla.

Armando--of course! I play by the rules of "calling it," so it's all you. Furthermore, I have no experience in such matters, so you'll enjoy complete artistic freedom. Except that I insist there is at least one theremin or glass harmonium peice.

Posted by: frumpiefox at May 16, 2008 12:52 PM

Don't worry jM, I'm heading to Sam's Club tonight to buy 30 cases of salsa. The spicy kind. I figured that's a safe bet since we all probably burn in our special places anyway.

Now where can I find a baby pool the size of a city block?

And Shadows, at least me being a zombie will improve my moaning technique.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 12:58 PM

Man, taco dip would be so kickass right now. Zulie, get on that, won't you?

Congrats frumpie! Imagine the kind of person you'd be if those folks weren't your great-grandparents!

Posted by: Kolby at May 16, 2008 1:08 PM

Julie, don't forget those Tostitos Scoops...

wait

... we probably shouldn't be eating any of that dip, especially after.

Posted by: jM at May 16, 2008 1:10 PM

::rolls eyes::

Again with the taco dip nonsense.

Super.

Posted by: I Love Beets at May 16, 2008 1:19 PM

Seriously Kolby, I might have to go out after work and buy the fixins.

jM...ew. Good call.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 1:20 PM

Julie, I decided to do some quick calculations (shut up, I'm bored).

Basing my calculations on a four-foot deep, 33-foot round pool, we'll need 96829.5 litres of salsa per pool. We'll need multiple pools (minimum of one each in the UK, the US, and Canada).

Given that my yard is only 16 feet wide, I'll have to back out of hosting the Canadian Salsa Paj-orgy.

Posted by: Pea at May 16, 2008 1:22 PM

Aw, I love beets, you're still invited. And is your name a homage to Dwight K. Schrute, or do you just really like beets?

Did anyone else watch The Office finale? I thought Amy Ryan was amazing.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 1:37 PM

Wait minute? Wasn't this a different list with the same picture and headline a few minutes ago? Was I halucinating?

Posted by: BWeaves at May 16, 2008 1:48 PM

I am completely willing to hijack my parent's home to host the Canadian Salsa Pajorgy (they've got the acreage, never fear). They're going on a second honeymoon this summer so there won't even be any awkward questions.

Well at least not until I try to explain why I'm pregnant and riddled with STDs.

My question is, is this a salsa-pool or a salsa-hot tub. Because I gotta imagine that cold salsa mightn't be conducive to a pleasant orgy experience.

Posted by: darwinfox at May 16, 2008 1:56 PM

Godtopusdammit Julie and TK! Now I have Thai noodle soup in my sinuses and it is most uncomfortable.

On a serious note, Nicole, I'm so sorry to hear the reason for your absence. I hope you and yours are holding up okay. And it's great to have you back.

Posted by: tamatha at May 16, 2008 2:04 PM

BWeaves, the home page link originally linked to last week's list with a pic from Baby Mama. It has since been corrected, but maybe that's what you saw.

Posted by: Bistro at May 16, 2008 2:07 PM

I tried doodling a weiner on one of the tiles, but a debate of cut vs. uncut would inevitably arise. Likewise, I was gonna sketch some boobers on a tile, but I know that breasteses come in many shapes and sizes... I then tried to have the tiles making sweet, sweet love, but the results looked strangely like concept sketches in the early development of Tetris. In the end, I decided to let the sexes remain unknown, with the names to be decided upon by each individual viewer...

Who the frick am I kidding? It's Julie and SoD!

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 16, 2008 2:09 PM

...or Jeremy and Stacey...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 16, 2008 2:11 PM

...could be Joker and Sarina though...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 16, 2008 2:13 PM

...but probably Jerce and SpamBot...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 16, 2008 2:14 PM

Oh, and jM, just a few weeks ago, I was thinking how fortunate it was that I discovered Pajiba after I finished my master's program. 'Cause honestly, if I had found this while I was in it, I never would have finished. I don't know how those of you are in school do it.

Posted by: tamatha at May 16, 2008 2:16 PM

I would totally vote for Joker and Sarina...but only if I got to watch...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 2:24 PM

"Armando--of course! I play by the rules of "calling it," so it's all you. Furthermore, I have no experience in such matters, so you'll enjoy complete artistic freedom. Except that I insist there is at least one theremin or glass harmonium peice. "

I'll do you one better: I'll make sure there are hundreds and hundreds of cues that are nothing BUT Theremin and Glass Harmonium duets! The love scene for your grandparents' wedding night (which I imagine was rather awkward, considering how they got together) will be accompanied by the most moving music!

Woo-hoo! I gots me my first film score. Now get crackin' on that screenplay. Someone, raise some money, quick!

Posted by: Armando at May 16, 2008 2:30 PM

Who the frick am I kidding? It's Julie and SoD!

I knew that immediately. And hey, TK, leave Servo alone! What good is a zombie drinking buddy, I ask you?

Thank you all, sincerely, for your condolences. They are very much appreciated. Y'all make me proud to be a Pajiban. The deceased was a family member and it was sudden, so there was a LOT of running around to do. Thanks again. I think we're the coolest fucking site ON THE INTERWEBS, because we have zombie wars and Scrabble sex and blood drives and a made-up deity and Fuck You Cancer care packagings. We rock.

Posted by: Nicole at May 16, 2008 2:33 PM

...but probably Jerce and SpamBot...

Hee. I love that pairing.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 2:35 PM

As long as nobody rats me out to my husband...

Posted by: Jerce at May 16, 2008 2:42 PM

tamatha, Pajiba almost led to my downfall. That, and chronic procrastination. In my school we have "semester reviews", where you put up all of the work you have designed throughout the semester and every teacher in your year critiques it. I seriously considered just projecting the Pajiba home page and frustratingly trying to explain my addiction.

Posted by: jM at May 16, 2008 2:46 PM

Dear Skittimus,

Having seen your art, I want you inside me.

Love and Kisses,

Jeremy

Posted by: Jeremy at May 16, 2008 3:00 PM

oh...by the way....congrats frumpiefox! You totally deserve the win!

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 3:00 PM

"Coolest Fucking Site ON THE INTERWEBS"-Nicole
Truer words have never been spoken. On top of that, her little list reminded me of all the inside jokes we have. (I am a LONG time lurker)
I think someone needs to say it... PAJIBACON '08
It must be done. We can calculate the nicest spot that is equidistant from all of the Eloquents. I'm not going to say orgy but we'll have a few drinks, a little Scrabble, and then see where the night takes us.

Posted by: TyranThesaurus at May 16, 2008 3:00 PM

Ooooh...was it really Jeremy and Skittimus all this time? I never knew! Stay tuned to next week's episode!

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 3:03 PM

PAJIBACON '08

Sigh...that would be so fun. And it has the word bacon in it, which amuses me to no end.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 3:03 PM

Oh, why the hell not? Could also be Jeremy and Skittimus...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 16, 2008 3:06 PM

Ooooh...was it really Jeremy and Skittimus all this time? I never knew! Stay tuned to next week's episode!

Now see...is it Skitt and Jeremy as in the sweetheart Jeremy who always posts as such, or Skitt and Jeremy as in Skitt's real name, which would make that illustration extremely masturbatory and therefore awesome?

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 3:07 PM

SoD - Jinx! I owe you a coke, brother...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 16, 2008 3:08 PM

Yay, Pajiborgy--woo! Sign me up, baby! Not a fan of taco dip but I love Scrabble and I love the feeling of tiles in unmentionable places. Oh, and darwinfox, I make a mean Canadian salsa....

I may have coined the word "pajiborgy" back in the real-time Oscars commentopalooza, so double-woo! This is the closest I've ever come to being an Eloquent!

Posted by: MO at May 16, 2008 3:11 PM

So... I've gotta get down with myself in a thing of Taco Dip? Uh... if memory serves correct, that's a major reason behind losing my job at Taco-Bueno.

Which, I suppose, in one way or another, led my to where I am today... So that's good. Right? Right...?

Anybody?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 16, 2008 3:13 PM

I like to believe it could be little of both, Julie...after all, it's not really masturbatory as long as Minimus is there...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 3:15 PM

Skitt...I'll be expecting that coke soon...my current supply is running low

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 3:16 PM

Oh my GOD Skitt...was it the excess self-boffilation that created Minimus? Because if so, I'm never doing that again. [checks self for turkey-clawed growths]

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 3:22 PM

Has it been six months since the last Pajiba convention was suggested? Why has this never happened? 'Bama's out of the hospital people! Let's do this!

And I know for a fact that we are not all ugly trolls, so that's no excuse for hiding behind our momitors. We already know Dustin looks like Vince Vaughn's brother and TK is the spitting image of Wentworth Miller. Or maybe he's not, but I decided that he was a long time ago, so eat me.

Also, I'm apparently all hopped up on second trimester energy, hence the psycho.

Posted by: Kolby at May 16, 2008 3:28 PM

TK is the spitting image of Wentworth Miller. Or maybe he's not, but I decided that he was a long time ago, so eat me.

Ha ha ha!!

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 3:31 PM

What you may not know is that I look like Angelina Jolie.

But younger.

And shorter.

And thicker.

And butcher.

And less attractive.

And...um... damn.

Posted by: elizabeth at May 16, 2008 3:36 PM

That's ok Elizabeth, I look like Gary Busey after a bender.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 3:39 PM

Most all of the Eloquents have a very defined look in my head, it might be disasterous to see what they actually look like.

Take Kolby for example, since she brought it up: short, slim, dancer, with spiky-sexy black hair. Of course, that's mostly a corellation in my head to a girl I went to college with who's last name was Korby. But still, the point is you're all so damn sexy in my head; no real person could possibly be that sexy in real life.

Posted by: Bistro at May 16, 2008 3:42 PM

And I know for a fact that we are not all ugly trolls,

Dude, speak for yourself, I'm a CHUD.

But I've got a nice hat.

Posted by: twig at May 16, 2008 3:46 PM

Nolte? Busey? Or Julie? Hmmmm...

Posted by: elizabeth at May 16, 2008 3:46 PM

You forget, Julie...I know what you really look like...and you, ma'am, are no Gary Busey.

(He's not as pale)

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 3:47 PM

Oh my, we've already moved into the Gary Busey Scale of Ugly?

Posted by: twig at May 16, 2008 3:49 PM

You people always picture me with short hair. What's up with that? And what kind of dancer are we talking about here? Ballet? Exotic? Drunk on a bar?

Posted by: Kolby at May 16, 2008 3:52 PM

And what kind of dancer are we talking about here? Ballet? Exotic? Drunk on a bar?

Yes. Please.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 3:54 PM

Dude, speak for yourself, I'm a CHUD. But I've got a nice hat.

Oh my god, that made me laugh so hard Twig.

(He's not as pale)

Snerk. I need some sun, 6 weeks till seashore time!

I can say for a fact that Shadows is quite handsome and has smoldery eyes, PissBoy is also handsome and NOT the Rancor from Return of the Jedi's doppleganger like some may think, and Nicole is gorgeous and blonde and I am totally going to molest her when we finally get together for drinks.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 3:58 PM

I need to go buy a Homestarrunner lunch box. Right now.

Oh, right. For my kid. Not for me at all.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at May 16, 2008 4:00 PM

SoD already took my comment!

And for the record, the real life person whose image (mostly) fills in for Korby in my head was a modern dance major.

Posted by: Bistro at May 16, 2008 4:02 PM

Smoldery eyes.....

[drools]

Posted by: Kolby at May 16, 2008 4:07 PM

and I am totally going to molest her

You made molesting plans without me? And for Nicole?

Well...just for that, I'm revealing Julie is hot with cute dimples when she smiles and a slamming body. So there...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 4:11 PM

Oh my goodness, you give me way too much credit :) And come to Philly, we can double team her! Heh.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 4:13 PM

Boy, this comment thread is getting a whole different kind of disturbing from usual...

Posted by: Bistro at May 16, 2008 4:16 PM

I'm 4'6" with a crooked neck and hump on my back. Also, I have cauliflower ears, and I have toes instead of fingers on my hands.

And I was born with four left feet.

And my organs are all on the outside.

I'm rather dashing, actually.

Posted by: TK at May 16, 2008 4:16 PM

Whatever, Wenty.

Posted by: Kolby at May 16, 2008 4:18 PM

TK, just don't forget your hat.

Posted by: twig at May 16, 2008 4:19 PM

TK...I knew it. Who doesn't love a guy who can beat you with his own intestines?

...eeeeew.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 4:19 PM

TK, can I tickle your kidneys?

Posted by: jM at May 16, 2008 4:20 PM

I'm a werewolf. But not the "Underworld" type, more the Claude Rains "Wolfman" type. It's not really that bad; I'm just way too cheap to go for waxing and cosmetic dentistry.

Posted by: frumpiefox at May 16, 2008 4:22 PM

You know, people, it's a rare and unfortunate medical condition and I'd appreciate it if you didn't make fun of me.

Words hurt, you guys.

They [sniff] hurt.

Posted by: TK at May 16, 2008 4:23 PM

To be fair, I don't think either Gary Busey or Nick Nolte looks like the picture of Julie Christie that I linked to earlier, but in my head that is what the perky, yet elegant Pa-Julie looks like.

Posted by: elizabeth at May 16, 2008 4:23 PM

Frumpiefox...can I braid your back hair? Hey, come back! I have purple barrettes that would look divine in that jungle of fur!

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 4:24 PM

That'd work, TK, if you hadn't blabbed all over the place that you were tall, dark and handsome way back when during the great Battle of the Sweatervest.

Posted by: Kolby at May 16, 2008 4:25 PM

Uh... I meant Lon Cheney. I'm going to stop trying to be clever about movies I've never really seen for the rest of the afternoon.

Posted by: frumpiefox at May 16, 2008 4:26 PM

the great Battle of the Sweatervest

:wipes away nostalgic tears:

Good times.

Elizabeth, I couldn't access that link from work, but I can say that I in NO WAY resemble Julie Christie. Nor am I elegant. I have the grace of an intoxicated orangutan on stilts.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 4:28 PM

Julie, I just hate purple...don't you have any yellow ones? Or maybe some shaped like little bunnies?

Posted by: frumpiefox at May 16, 2008 4:28 PM

Battle of the Sweatervest.

My god, I'm not supposed to be having nostalgic magic moments with a damn comments section.

... pajiba rocks.

Posted by: twig at May 16, 2008 4:29 PM

TK...is the crooked neck and humped back from looking for turkeys to kill?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 4:31 PM

FINE, Frumpie (hee). But the only other pair I have are unicorns.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 4:36 PM

Awesome. Simply awesome.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 4:38 PM

I really love the image of a snarling, vicious werewolf accessorizing with unicorn barrettes. I'm going to write a screenplay based solely on that description. The first scene will feature the primping werewolf using his drool to gel his bangs while singing "She's a Maniac" into a hairbrush.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 4:45 PM

It's true, Servo, you did give me a great compliment on my rack on the MySpace. And I'm telling you all that Servo here is freaking adorable with a beautiful smile, lovely hair, and skin pigmentation that makes Powder look like Guatemalan pool boy.

I'm afraid of the oncoming assault.

Posted by: Nicole at May 16, 2008 4:46 PM

Was the great Battle of the Sweatervest the one with the bar fight or the one with Paddy's Irish Shamrock Army (I think I have that name not quite right)? Or another battle all together? And why, why do I not have all of these properly bookmarked on my computer?!

Posted by: tamatha at May 16, 2008 4:47 PM

Julie, that's fine, as long as they're not purple unicorns :) And I only snarl when I'm bored. Or when someone pulls my tail.

Posted by: frumpiefox at May 16, 2008 4:50 PM

and skin pigmentation that makes Powder look like Guatemalan pool boy.

That is the hardest I've laughed out loud all week. Holy god. I love you.

Tamatha, I had thought that the sweater vest battle was that one boozehound column with Nicole Kidman's picture...but it could also be the Irish Army day.

...my friends don't believe me when I tell them about this place.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 4:50 PM

Are you kidding? I don't tell anyone about this place. Partly because they would try to send me to Friends and partly because I want Pajiba all to myself.

Posted by: Nicole at May 16, 2008 4:54 PM

Whoa, I only said tall and dark. Someone else came up with that handsome crap.

The next person to bring up sweater vests gets kicked in the ding dang.

Posted by: TK at May 16, 2008 4:55 PM

Julie, hmm, I think I missed that Boozehound column. And damn, without knowing which movie was being reviewed, I don't know how to find that in the Pajibarchives! Are the Boozehound columns collected somewhere that I don't know about for easy searching?

Posted by: tamatha at May 16, 2008 4:57 PM

Ha! Found it. Tamatha, that one is called The Boozehound Awards.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 5:04 PM

Alright, everyone...no more sweater vests. Seriously...nobody talk about sweater vests anymore. It's annoying people to talk about sweater vests. Not everybody relishes a good sweater vest like those of such discerning tastes...

I'm getting kicked, aren't I?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 5:07 PM

lol -- how did I miss No. 8? I'm so there for the pajiborgy.

Posted by: Cady at May 16, 2008 5:08 PM

Servo here is freaking adorable with a beautiful smile, lovely hair, and skin pigmentation that makes Powder look like Guatemalan pool boy.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Nice! And all too true.

(By the way...Nicole's not bad-looking herself...she's lucky I stalked and trapped Julie first...)

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 5:13 PM

I'm getting kicked, aren't I?

You best be watching your junk, Shadows.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 5:13 PM

Size 12 boot, meet Shadows.

Shadows, meet boot.

Alright kids, the beer's not gonna drink itself. I'm outta here. Lovely weekends all around. As always, it's been delightfully odd.

Posted by: TK at May 16, 2008 5:16 PM

Delightfully odd is right. Good night, and good luck.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 5:19 PM

Late to the game, but I can personally attest to the fact that Alex the Odd is pretty enough that I almost grabbed her cheeks like that aunt everyone hates. She also has the good kind of British accent.

As for myself I don't look so bad from the waist up but my ass is just about to qualify for it's own zip-code. Details to follow on blog.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at May 16, 2008 5:38 PM

Bunch of freaks. In my head you all look like Oompa Loompas. Yup, that's right. I look like Smurfette without the blonde hair and the blue skin. Oh and the silly pumps. Hmm...actually not like her at all, but as much of a whore...Pajibawhore.

I want that drawing on a t-shirt goddamnit. It will be hard to explain the combination of ScrabbleSex and Taco Dip, but I'll manage somehow. The idea of coupling me with Sarina is intriguing though. I think Julie turned me into an internet lesbian. I...am so confused now.

Posted by: Joker at May 16, 2008 5:50 PM

I feel the need to point out something that I think is obvious, but I don't think anyone else has had the nerve to say it yet...and the site lords and commenters (who will know who they are) will likely hate me...and I'll certainly feel quite lonely out here on this limb, but here goes:

Ever since this comment contest started, a majority of the comments have become overly snarky, pseudo-ridiculous, and stupidly lengthy to the point that no matter what the text actually says, the comment screams from the page "READ ME! I'M SO FUCKING COMICAL and CLEVER, I SHOULD WIN the eloquent eloquence CONTEST! I read through this 10 TIMES BEFORE POSTING it, and I added a bunch of text and QUOTED OTHER COMMENTERS so it looks like I'm ENTRENCHED FOR THE WIN!"

Posted by: staylor at May 16, 2008 6:15 PM

my ass is just about to qualify for it's own zip-code

So are you saying that there's a lot of paraphernalia in that there storage space? (i.e. junk in da trunk) Cuz that'd be really, really cool. Nothing wrong with that at all. Some of us like to have something to grab onto ;)

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 6:26 PM

Ever since this comment contest started

Umm...yeah...I'm gonna have to...disagree...with you there...

Many, many, many commenters were overly snarky, ridiculous, and lengthy for before the contest started. In fact, the contest was only started after the site mods figured that they should start rewarding us for how insane and funny we were. Seriously. This contest is only several weeks old. Look through the archives. The worst/best stuff of which you speak came before it. If the contest has done anything, is to give us a valid feeling of communal enjoyment and compelled several lurkers to start commenting in the hope of sharing that feeling of being a part of something great.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 16, 2008 6:30 PM

Holy junk. I always miss the crazy conversant threads.

The PajibaCon is that grand road trip idea you always bring up when drinky with a certain set of friends.

Love when everyone chats about their real life looks. But I think I totally bring the hotness with my bald head and my double Hickman in my chest (or as my son calls them, my "tubies"). I'm part bald chick from the first Star Trek movie and part Harkonnen sexy heart plugs. Paint my ass blue, and I'd be rocking the Farscape vibe.

Thanks to The Cancer my body's fucking sci-fi smörgåsbord.

Posted by: Alabamapink at May 16, 2008 6:54 PM

Oh Pink, only you can make me giggle about cancer. You now totally look like Zaan in my head. And impressive Swedish spelling. My laptop doesn't have the scandi-keys, so when I'm writing in Norwegian, it looks like a made-up language. Which is kind of cool.

Posted by: Joker at May 16, 2008 7:16 PM

I also disagree Staylor...you'll see that not only are a lot of comments that are responses to other people posted within one or two minutes of each other, but that regular commenters (such as myself) really don't sound any different now than before this column or the box office roundups began. We act like we always have. Like horny dumbasses.

I personally love this column. Not to be quoted myself (which I'll admit is always trippy to see), but to laugh my ass off at what others have written, especially those commenters who don't post as frequently as I do. And I love the discourse it encourages, these comment threads are always really fun and a great waste of an afternoon.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 7:32 PM

and the site lords and commenters (who will know who they are) will likely hate me

That's not possible unless you have insulted the Godtopus or are B-Slim's kidnapper. This place would no fun if everyone agreed. :)

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 7:35 PM

regular commenters (such as myself) really don't sound any different now than before this column or the box office roundups began. We act like we always have. Like horny dumbasses.

Very true. If it weren't for our out-and-out collective crazy, there would be no Scrabble Sex, no zombie flame wars, no marine-based, monoptical deity, and we would never have coined the most mascotty of mascots, the WhiskeyBabyNinjaStar.

In sum, our crazy is what keeps us together, and we don't care how many tangents run through, over, under, and around. I mean, seriously. This is the kind of commenting that gave me the hellish image of Orville Redenbacher using melted butter as lube. (Fucking Servo.)

Posted by: Nicole at May 16, 2008 7:44 PM

You are welcome Nicole. Muah ah ah.

Alright, I'm a leavin, the Phillies are on and I've got wine and take-out.

Posted by: Julie at May 16, 2008 7:49 PM

I'm part bald chick from the first Star Trek movie and part Harkonnen sexy heart plugs

Don't be sad, Thufir. Everyone gets one here.

I'll argue that Persis Khambatta did better work in "Warrior of the Lost World" though.

What's funny about the Pajiba Myspace friends is that they're full of private profiles. No' very friendleh!

Oh and Peter Pevensie is a pouty little dick, but eventually it's funny. ("Caspian"'s not bad, but you can make many, many jokes about it).

I fixed the national economy by buying a new TV today, and I got a good deal AND I found the right settings for it not to look like digital crap! And I'm on vacation! Good thing all that roadwork in every direction getting me howling mad tempered my happiness or I'd really be out of control.

Posted by: Jay at May 16, 2008 8:11 PM

Yes, fellow Pajibans,it was Skittimus and I in the tub. I won't go into details, but iwas a warm summer evening, the sounds of cricket in the air, as Skittimus and I lounged in the sweet bliss of a hot tub. Eventually, the subject of scrabble came up, and anyone who knows me knows that Scrabble makes me moan like no ones business. As Skit whispered sweet nothings into my ear, his hand moved slowly across my body, gently caressing my skin. Soon it was just me, Skittimus, a scrabble board and a Matthew Rush supercock, as ecstatic screams of "DOUBLE LETTER!" and "TRIPLE WORD!" filled the air. And after the whole affair, I fell alseep in his arms as he carried me upstairs, and in the morning, he made me breakfast and remembered my name! We were later married in the Holy Church of the Sacred Godtopus.

Posted by: Jeremy at May 16, 2008 10:06 PM

Staylor, I agree that we get carried away with the goof. But we also passed a rule that we'd keep it to the round-ups, Pajiba Love, etc., as to not derail the actual reviews. I think it's worked well, for the most part. Yes, people at times shoot for the prize, but they do it without hurting the basic ideas of the site. I'd be annoyed if it happened in the actual reviews, but it doesn't.

In any event, I don't hate you - that's silly. But I do disagree.

Posted by: TK at May 16, 2008 11:48 PM

...and Godtopus bless us, each and every one...

Seriously, Jeremy if Scrabble ever happens in a hot tub, it better goddamed well be magnetic. One o'them tiles gets sucked into the whatchamacallit, and it's goodbye fun bubbles, hello tepid human soup.

As far as the Holy Church of the Sacred Godtopus goes... well, is there any way we can make that happen? Seriously? I mean, fuckin' Scientology gets a goddamed religion. Those fuckers that worshiped the Hale-Bop comet got one. Uh... Mormons have one. I want, no... I need one. A church that (as Nicole puts it) worships a marine-based, monoptical deity. A church that welcomes marriage in all forms, whether it be boy-girl, boy-boy, girl-girl, conjoined twin-spambot. A church that has awesome commandments, dammit! We can make it happen, people!

NEW COMMENT DIVERSION SUGGESTION: The Ten Commandments of TOOTBOG (The Order Of The Blue Omipotent Godtopus). We'll fire them out, file them down, and Alex the Odd or boo can have them tattooed on their bodies to be followed ny future generations...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 17, 2008 12:00 AM

Obviously, the above mentioned diversion need to happen at a time other than tonight. I've got jail time to serve this weekend, and plan on being drunk up until that point. Plus people are probably busy with thier gardens and stuff...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 17, 2008 12:03 AM

Gardens... hee!

Posted by: Skittterburp Buzzimus at May 17, 2008 12:04 AM

Well, SoD, to be fair I have nothing that Sir Mix A Lot would immortalize in song, but relative to the rest of me (and for a white girl) I have an ample backyard. And I have gotten the impression that it's not really a bad thing from the guys I know.

Oh, Skitt do not get me started on the Mormon history. I did a paper on Mormons last semester and I read all this history of Joseph Smith and the Book of Mormon and...

Mormons are very nice people. Most of them. I'm done now. Just know that if you really do want to start your own religion it maybe is not as hard as it looks.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at May 17, 2008 4:27 AM

Awww thanks Genny, you're a sweetheart! And it's own zip code? Please! You are half my size so there!

Also Totally willing to whore out my body for Pajiban commandments. I think I have some space on my left thigh...

Also re: Pajiba convention. I was telling my mother about this place and how I so desperately wish to cross the pond and couch hop between you people and she weirdly suggested buying me a plane ticket for my birthday and as a pre-college (again) treat. So if we could hold the Pajiborgy some time between September 1st and 15th that would be awesome. Preferably on the 6th as nothing says "Happy 23rd Birthday, Alex" quite like meeting Julie for a friendly game of scrabble.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at May 17, 2008 7:01 PM

A Godtopus church AND a Convention? I just had a Pajiba-gasm!

Posted by: Jeremy at May 17, 2008 10:38 PM

I bet Alex could couch-hop across the country Pajibian to Pajibian. Declare your state, Pajoibs! MICHIGAN! W00T! Just think how happy it'd make Vermillion.

Posted by: TyranThesaurus Rex at May 18, 2008 12:18 AM

If you guys are serious about this, I could consider hopping over the pond as well! Just make it the east coast, closer for us Euros. I'd be a bit freaked out about meeting you guys, but with enough alcohol, I think I'll be ok. Oh what am I saying...of course there'll be booze.

Posted by: Joker at May 18, 2008 1:03 PM

Everyone knows where to find PissBoy, Servo, and me. We'll be out front of Independence Hall, waving.

Posted by: Nicole at May 18, 2008 1:14 PM

Where is Independence Hall? And why would you be waving? Around these parts, the royal families do the waving and we...completely ignore them. I'd prefer it if you were standing there flashing gang signs. According to TV, Americans like flashing gang signs, whether they are in them or not. And TV doesn't lie.

No I've never been to the U.S. ...how'd you guess?

Posted by: Joker at May 18, 2008 1:37 PM

Joker, Independence Hall is in Philly.

Everyone knows where to find me. Just look for the bodies.

Posted by: TK at May 18, 2008 3:07 PM

I haven't the first clue where I'll be come this fall, but it will likely be somewhere on the east coast with the smart money on either the greater Baltimore area or Miami.

Everyone knows where to find me. Just look for the bodies

That just reminded me of a band called "...and you will know us by the trail of dead". I don't know of any of their music, but their name stuck with me as being simultaneously impressive and something the goth kids at my high school would've made up.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at May 18, 2008 4:39 PM

With enough of a heads up, I would totally be down for a PajibaCon.

Also, Alex, while you are traipsing through Massachusetts on your couch hoppin' tour of the US, I'd be happy to host you in the western part of the state (or Commonwealth as the case actually is). In our new house, we even have an honest-to-godtopus guest room. And if it helps, the closest establishments are bars--both kind of dive-y, but there are nicer ones also within walking distance.

Posted by: tamatha at May 18, 2008 4:48 PM

I've got Quebec covered! Assuming that you actually make it up here, at least. My parents disapprove of me bringing home people I've met online, but Godtopus demands that I make a couch available! Hmmm... That should be a commandment. "Thou shalt offer a couch to a Pajibian in need".

Posted by: Jeremy at May 18, 2008 5:39 PM

Julie-
Hee! I didn't realize that TK brought the whole sweater vest thing upon himself by stating that he was wearing one! I just thought that someone accused him of wearing one, and he did not take it well... How hilarious.

Posted by: tamatha at May 18, 2008 6:30 PM

If we're really doing a Pajiba In-Person Diversion, September would be just dandy for me. I'll be somewhere in my 6th or 7th month, and pretty chunky at that point, so as long as there's good food and a place to put up my feet, count me in. I live in Albany, so both Boston & NYC are 2 1/2 hours away, and Philly isn't much farther than that.

Posted by: Kolby at May 18, 2008 8:04 PM

Genny....mmm....big backyards...

A couch-to-couch tour? By Alex? Did Vermillion just collapse somewhere? Well, I'd be more than willing to help out in that regard...if you ever come to Alabama, that is. It sounds like this tour is hitting the northeast, though. Which is fine with me, I'm more than willing to go up and visit.

And that'd be awesome to see Kolby all big and preggers, and smiling unnaturally at people as they make baby sounds at her belly while she imagines their screaming deaths in oh so many ways.

I'm so glad I'm not female...I'd raise serious havoc. As it is, I'm just subversive...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 19, 2008 8:01 AM

A PajibaCon? Awesome! Count me in! Alex, my birthday is on September 6th too! Feel free to use my guest room if you want to come down to Orlando (but you probably don't!)

Posted by: Trouble at May 19, 2008 8:29 AM

awww man!

you guys are planning a PajibaCon for the north-east just when I am leaving it!


shucks.......

Posted by: Bethy at May 19, 2008 11:53 AM

I think it should be at a county fair. A small town county fair. A one-horse town county fair. We take over the town. I build my church. A whiskey fountain replaces the local DQ. The VFW is turned into a zombie stripper joint. The local pool is filled with taco dip. Town hall will be converted into a movie theater with 24 hour showings of hangover theater, unappreciated gems and DVD marathons. We will travel through town via Slip-n-Slides. We will dig a moat. A bronzed Michael Bay will be our Jebediah Springfield. He will be alive prior to bronzing. We will have fireworks every weekend. We will have Taco Tuesdays. We will be written in the history books as the little town that gradually infected America with snarkitude. Minimus will get a Saturday Morning cartoon.

And we will build an army of SpamBots... Hands across America, motheruckers... Hands across America... (cue some music right here - early eighties, maybe...)

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 19, 2008 12:52 PM

A bronzed Michael Bay will be our Jebediah Springfield. He will be alive prior to bronzing.

Ha ha ha!

Posted by: Julie at May 19, 2008 1:01 PM

Skitt, can I be the Madam at the brothel? You KNOW there will be one! Come on!!! You can't have a town with a horse and a Whiskey fountain without a brothel! Julie will be my best girl...or the one willing to do anything/anyone :P TK would be the trigger-happy Sheriff. Skitt would of course be the Mayor/Priest. The rest of you find your own damn jobs!

Posted by: Joker at May 19, 2008 3:37 PM

Julie will be my best girl...or the one willing to do anything/anyone

I am torn between being honored and offended...I'll be both. Because I'm lying about being offended.

Posted by: Julie at May 19, 2008 4:12 PM

I wanna be the DVD rental store owner! And I'll have an entire wall full of porn...and another wall devoted to hard-to-find classics that can be taken home and enjoyed. And the back room will be full of the worst movies we can find in existence....like Uwe Boll movies, and 27 Dresses, and anything with Pauly Shore.

I did mention the skeet range in the back of the store, right? What do you think we'd be using as target practice?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 19, 2008 4:32 PM

or the one willing to do anything/anyone
I am torn between being honored and offended...I'll be both. Because I'm lying about being offended.

The truth of this statement is quite obvious. Julie can be the town "greeter"

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 19, 2008 4:36 PM

Goddamed tootin' Joker! A brothel's just what we need! By gum, by this time next Fall we'll be a bonafide community of sorts! And while I'd be much obliged to be the town Preacher, bein' Mayor's a little too big for my britches. I'd suggest Dustin for the job. TK sure is a jim-dandy of a choice fer Sheriff though - we just make sure he's liqoured up at all times and backed by a Boozehound posse armed to the teeth. Why, Pookie can be our town naysayer of doom, Alambama Pink can be our town doctor (seein' how she could probably steal a bunch of supplies from the hospital), SoD can run the town outposts with a crew of his pickin', boo and Alex the Odd can take care of brandin' the newbies, and Sarina? Well, she can run Ye Olde Pie Shoppe! Hot diggety damn, we's a real firecracker just waitin' to be lit!

Posted by: Pastor Skittimus at May 19, 2008 4:47 PM

Apparently, I'm so excited, I screwed up some htmlabobs, goddammit...

SoD a DVD store is a fine choice of profession... Just fine!

Posted by: Skitigoddammit at May 19, 2008 4:50 PM

Hehe...Sarina's a fine as Ye Olde Pie Shoppe madam! If we're talking meat pies, of course.

I'd want Vermillion on my crew...not only can we geek out on movies...but he can protect me from Pookie.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 19, 2008 4:54 PM

Socalled will, of course, own the town saloon where Nicole will be the featured performer a la Lili von Schtupp.

Posted by: Julie at May 19, 2008 4:58 PM

I could run Ye Olde Pie Shoppe. I make a helluva shepherd's pie. I also make excellent chicken pot pie.

If fruit pies and creme pies and other assorted sweet pies are your thing, though, you might want to exercise a little caution when patronising my establishment. That section will have a lovely, old fashioned, hand crafted sign, intricately carved and adorned with scrollwork, hanging above a lit glass pie case. The sign will say, "Assy Pies of Suck". Those pies will not be made according to any particular recipe. They will consist of whatever I managed to toss into the pie pan before my gag reflex got the better of me, and then they will be shoved in the oven for as long as I feel like. They will cost extra for my troubles.

Also, I would like to request that there be a barber shop above my premises. For... Um... Listen, don't ask questions. Just built me a fucking barber shop and staff it with someone who's not too squeamish, okay? Anyone who complains about the condition of the Assy Pies of Suck will be given a gift certificate for a free shave and haircut upstairs.

The town will likely not need a butcher shop.

Posted by: Sarina at May 19, 2008 5:26 PM

I like where this is going.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 19, 2008 5:38 PM

I will have vengenaaance...I will have salvaaaaatioooon.

I will be singing that all night now.

Posted by: Julie at May 19, 2008 5:43 PM

Don't fret your pretty-sexy-super-smart head Sarina, I'll take care of the dessert pies. Also, I call dibs on town Go-Go boy! Best resume ever!

Posted by: Jeremy at May 19, 2008 9:14 PM

You got it Sarina! A barbershoppe directly above your pie establishment! Jeremy, you being the town Go-Go boy is a tough order to fill... I reckon you'll need quite a few outfits as well as a prerequisite waxin', provided by the barber shop not above "Assy Pies of Suck". SoD, bein' that you run the DVD joints on the outskirts of town, your duty (and that of your crew) is that of the town-keeper. Dependin' on what video-movie them newbies bring up to check out, you either grant 'em access to the greatest city West of the Pecos, or you send 'em to the "alternate" check out line, where's they'll be assimilamated into one of TK's patented "bullet-catchin'" zombies. Hot damn! It's all comin' tergether! I'ma gonna fix us up some Bloody Mary's and dust of Ye Olde Murderin' Tankard!! YEEEEEE-HOOOOOO! Who's hungry fer some chili?

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 19, 2008 10:25 PM

YEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAWR!!!

I'm so excited, I done gone wet muhself!

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 19, 2008 10:27 PM

...oop. That thar ain't wettin myself proper. That thar's a batch of old-fashioned trouser chili... Sorry folks! Ain't but in a blue moon sumthin' like that happens!


...but it does from time to time and it is a source of great embarrassment and shame...

YEEEEEEE....hoo...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 19, 2008 10:30 PM

Ooh! I want to sit in a rocking chair in front of the DVD store pluckin' on my banjo. I'll have a jug labeled XXX and I'll start working on a beard. As always I'll serve no true purpose to the town besides adding a bit of old timey charm. *Starts plucking through the first part of dueling banjos*

Posted by: TyranThesaurus Rex at May 20, 2008 12:33 AM

Now TyranThesaurus, you know you're gonna haveta find yerself an albino to match yer banjo pluckin' skills!

YEEEEEEE-HAAA (...coughing fit...)

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at May 20, 2008 8:16 AM

Is it possible to find a one-horse town by the sea? I'd really like to live next to the ocean.

I believe we need a general store. Oooh, or I could run a lovely tea shoppe! Since I know there are several of us Pajibans who drink tons of the stuff. Perhaps a tea shoppe and book store? That sounds great. I'm relieved that I've found myself a job.

Posted by: tamatha at May 20, 2008 10:00 AM

Town-keeper sounds exciting. And it'll be a good reason for the shooting range...we could always use live targets every now and then, if they happen to figure out their horrib le taste in movies will be their downfall. But what's the protocol if directors and actors try to get ...say, Nicole Kidman or Michael Bay?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at May 20, 2008 10:36 AM

Julie, I meant it as a compliment. We'll be a very exclusive establishment of course. We'll wear corsets and those really hot old fashion-y dresses with like...5 layers and a cleavage that would make Selma Hayek proud. And I can learn to talk like a sassy black American woman (this will be in the U.S. after all, I have to fit in the picture). I will personally provide services for our more...special clients...if you know what I mean...I hope you do because I sure don't.

Skitt darling, don't hurt yourself. Look what you've already done to your pants...now go take a bath and calm the fuck down.

Posted by: Joker at May 20, 2008 1:03 PM