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May 8, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | Eloquent Eloquence | May 8, 2008 |

10. For the record, I was trashing neither you nor your book in the review that I wrote, merely expressing my honest impression after having read the book. Such is, to my understanding, the primary purpose of a review. It’s unfortunate that one who purports himself to be a humourist would appear to be allergic to both sarcasm and hyperbole. That’s sad for you. Sarah Larson, after the author of a book she reviewed took umbrage.

9. Ted…I think you may have a drinking problem. I truly think you should get that checked out. — Daisy

Problem? The only way I’ll have a problem is if they start putting child-proof caps on scotch bottles. — Muttered to self by Ted Boynton

8. Not to be a science-nitpick, but the dehydration has nothing to do with removing toxins from your body. In fact, alcohol is metabolized to acetic acid, the same compound as in vinegar, which is harmless when diluted throughout the body. The dehydration is a result of ethanol suppressing the release of antidiuretic hormone (ADH). ADH basically prevents your kidneys from diluting your urine with as much water as can pass through the filtration, so if ADH is abnormally low you will become dehydrated unless you drink water. — NF

7. Open Letter to Robert Downey, Jr:

Dearest Robert,
Fill me with your babies.
Love, R-
— feramones

Mmm… Robert Downey, Jr. I totally let him give me the herp. — SuperEdna

6. What the fuck’s wrong with Natalie Portman?

I’m asking, not because I’m wondering why she’s dating a guy that walks around with penis glasses, a purse and I-must-be-indie-because-I’m-trying-to-look-like-Jesus hair and beard, but because she still won’t lift the restraining order against me. I leave a few phone messages of me breathing heavily into the phone and apparently I’m “mentally unstable”. — Dave

5. Goobers and Raisinettes
Goobers and Raisinettes

Goobers are delicious
boogers covered with chocolate!

Raisinettes are raisins
covered with chocolate poooooo! — boo

4. And for something completely different… it’s a girl! Not that any of you all know me or knew that I am pregnant, but I am excited and read this site multiple times a day. And thought I would share. — legib

I am due in November! There are so many exciting plans I’ve already made for the little one - trips to the tattoo parlor with Alex, late night scotch binges in front of the TV with socalled, drawing lessons with Skit, and a trip in the Murdertank with TK and the hordes. Oh, what a childhood that would be! — Kolby

Something must be in the water down Pajiba-way. All these pregnant women! Congrats legib. Welcome to the Pajiba Breeders Society. — Alabamapink

3. Dear Crazy People Who Want Me To Hold Your Baby Despite My Insistance That Really, I’m Fine Here, No It’s OK Honest, Look I Just Don’t Want To…

Far too many new mothers are star-struck by their own ability to push a human being out of their cha-chas, and they want to share the miracle. I am not putting down the miracle in any way. I am just pointing out, as I have said before, that cats, cattle, Third World ladies et al manage this function regularly without expecting to be put on a pedestal for it.

There is usually another factor in play when the “victim” is, like me, a childless female. They pity you, for you have never known the joyous glowing miraculous etc. of motherhood, and handing over their baby for a few moments is, to them, an act of charity to you, the barren.

There is a very simple way to avoid these irritating moments:

Hold the baby wrong.

I don’t mean wrong enough to actually put the baby at any kind of risk. That is unnecessary. All you have to do is hold the baby “wrong” enough to upset the mama—and that is easier than finding a NASCAR fan at a Wal-Mart. Just hold the Little Precious at a slight angle that elevates the feet above the head, for instance. If you’re feeling particularly mean (I usually am) or if the Mama has been particularly offensive, make a few cracks about the soft spot.

She will take the baby back. And you will not have to put up with that shit from her ever again. As a bonus, you will never be asked to baby-sit. — Jerce

2. The following comments prove that either the Scientologists have invaded Pajiba, or we experienced some weird-ass Bizzaro World freakishness this week.

Katie Holmes outclasses Maggie [Gylenhaal] in every way. — Kurt

[In re: Batman Begins] Shame about Katie not doing this movie because Maggie takes me out of the movie and its continuity distraction. — Walter

I’m just bummed out Katie left and we have to vomit over Gyllenho. — geek

With people mentioning Batman’s Maggie Gyllenhaal. I have to say YUCK on that too. A downgrade for Batman beauty wise and regal presence. Katie was the ideal Rachel Dawes — Gerard

1. [Apropos of absolutely nothing] I can no longer defend myself against these attacks I face on a daily basis. My work here at pajiba is nearly complete and therefore I will not accept a contract extension. I was asked to come to pajiba to help promote its brand and I think I’ve done a wonderful job. I was offered a very generous financial package to stay, but at this time I declined. I want to thank all of you for the many emails and phone calls, but my abilities are needed elsewhere. — Pookie

And, because Pookie has declined our offer to stay on, this week’s Pajiba gifts go to the expectant mothers, Kolby and legib, to whom I will be sending baby-related trinkets.

If You Listen to DMX, The Baby Comes Out Goin 'Ennngghhh!

Eloquent Eloquence / The Top 10 Comments of the Week

Eloquent Eloquence | May 8, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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