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April 24, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | Eloquent Eloquence | April 24, 2008 |

The PR folks really have blacklisted us. Damnit. Looks like we’re ponying up for DVDs here on out, which means shitty bargain-priced DVDs. Today: Our winner receives Jennifer Garner’s Catch and Release because I like to give away DVDs thematically.

Get it on:

10. “And Cindy, you are not a troll. I don’t necessarily agree with what you’re saying, but you are not a troll.

Pookie is a troll. A beloved troll, but a troll nonetheless.

To spot trolls, keep your eyes peeled for excessive use of the words “boobies”, “whore”, or “Lohan”. — tt_marie

9. “Didn’t the pope apologize for all the kids who were ‘reared in the church’?” — annikitty

8. “Having indulged in the sport of kings for several years, I know first hand how it can become very addictive. Watching those majestic beast in all their glory reminds me that animals indeed belong free. I yearn to go back to the track and partake in all its trappings. But for a slight misunderstanding between myself and a bookie, it is best I stay away. — Pookie

7. “When I was a freshman in college I had to give a group presentation, and during her segment one girl in my group kept pronouncing “organism” as “orgasm.” The topic? Was euthanasia. That was a great day.” — Julie

“I prounounced crayon as “crown.” My father finally decided that he didn’t want his daughter to sound like she had a speech impediment, so whenever I mispronounced the word, he would take said colorful writing tools away from me for a day and in the pocess of taking them away would say “This is red CRAY-ON, this is an orange CRAY-on, this is a blue CRAY-ON,” etc etc.
In other news, I now hate art.” — Rachel

“I went to a librarian’s convention that included some very small-town librarians. I saw two of them studying the menu and overheard this conversation:

Librarian #1: “Kwitch?? What the hell is a kwitch?”
Librarian #2: “It’s a French dish, sort of a cheese pie. And, uh, you probably don’t want to say ‘kwitch,’ it makes you sound like a hick. I believe the French say ‘kee-shay.’” — Mr. Atoz

“When my former landlord was 15, he spent the summer with a family in Orgeon who let him drive for the first time around their farm. They had a tractor and a Volvo. At his wedding, his mother read out a letter she had kept from him where he wrote “Mrs. Stephens is really great. She lets me fool around in her vulva whenever I want.” — PaddyDog

6. “Apropos of nothing: The top two ads below the banner this morning, one on each side, are for the Butt-Paddler 5000 and an interracial dating website. What the hell kind of careening tack has Pajiba taken when the top two ads are kink-related? (Not that interracial dating = kink, but when one fixates on interracial dating, to the exclusion of other potentially awesome partners, that’s kinky.)

And then, down the page, another ad for sustainable bamboo. “Sustainable bamboo,” of course, is a euphemism for what’s in my pants when a black girl paddles my ass.” — socalledonlycousins

5. “In 2004, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of … Anyone? Anyone?… scientific progress, passed the… Anyone? Anyone? Scopes Monkey trial? Anti-evolution laws? Which, anyone? Raised or lowered?… lowered intelligence, in an effort to collect more power for the church and state. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It worked, and the United States sank deeper into the Great Intellectual Depression. Today we have a similar debate over this. Anyone know what this is? Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this before? The Intelligent Design Movement. Anyone know what this says? It says that at this point in intellectual progress, you will get exactly the same amount of regression as at this point. This is very controversial. Does anyone know what Vice President Bush called this in 1980? Anyone? Something-d-o-o science. “Voodoo” science.” —Celery

4. “Honky tonk B’Donky Donk” There’s a song with that name? Wow.— Jay
“Kay-rist Jay, how in the fuck do you not know about this song?! HOW?! It is, in my opinion, single-handedly the absolute fucking worst song and video, hands down. Ever. Seriously. I’m not a fan of country music in general (although that comment is half bullshit, as I adore Allison Krauss, Lyle Lovett, Cash, and several others), but this song, regardless of genre, is the absolute fucking worst of any song I have ever heard. Period. That goes for “Muskrat Love”, “Afternoon Delight”, anything that Mariah Carey, Madummy, Assley Simpson, “Nu-Metal”, or… fucking… fucking anything. Ever. The fact that it takes itself even remotely seriously is a kick to the skull for anybody that likes music in any capacity. I would rather have Godtopus hisherself wrangle out the Ninth Tentacle of Profound Pain and give me a lashing proper than to have this song heard by anyone under the age of fetus, as it would give them the half-assed notion that this fucking abomination of a song is even in the same vicinity of music. Jesus-jumpin-jackrabbit-christ, I’m angry now… GOD I HATE THAT SONG! I hate it more than papercuts, more than room-temp gravy, more than the last two seasons of the X-Files, more than Celebutards, rope-burns, the last squirt of pee coming out of ones weiner after adequate shaking, walking into a bar thirty seconds after last call and being denied a goddamed drink and the end of “I Am Legend” (which I just watched, half-hour after reading the book, and seriously, sadly disappointed). Fuck the guy that wrote it, the horse he rode in on, and the poor motherfucker that directed the video. I hope… is it Trace Adkins? Is that who it is? I hope Mr. Atkins develops the worst strain of pube crabs Godtopus has to offer, because that fucking song is an insult to anyone that has more than half a brain-cell bouncing around in their noggin. FUCKING HATE IT!!

Jesus Christ, now I gotta call 911, ‘cause my left arm went numb typing this… — Skittimus Maxiumus, of course.

“You know what Skitty-poo? When you’re pushin’ a kid out of your privates, you can listen to ANY DAMN SONG YOU WANT, OK? Me? I like me a little stupid no thinkin’ Trace Atkins, and the beat happened to be in tune with the pushin’. DON’T YOU JUDGE ME AND MY BIRTHIN’ STORY DAMN IT I will bust a cap in YOUR B’DonkaDonk if you knowwhatimsayin. Harumph. — lilliana28

3. The hell!
The hell you say! Teen Witch was not a musical! I would remember that.
God damn it.
*looks for phone book*
*finds phone book under cat*
*gets movie rental number*
*movie rental place doesn’t have Teen Witch*
*rental guy sounds stoned*
*find number for next place*
*next place has it*
*sound of car tires screeching*
*sound of car returning*
*TV turns on*
*DVD ads*
*fast forward*
Well. I’ll be damned. — TWoP Fan

2. So there’s going to be a show about Young Zombies for the entire purpose of featuring product placement. What appropriate products will be featured?

“Preee-senting the revolutionary new Vileda Zomb-Away multi-mop - ideal as both an all-purpose cleaning solution for all your zombie apocalypse related hygiene problems, as well as a last line of defence against the ravenous hordes of the undead!

See how the head of the mop can be swapped for multiple cleaning accessories - use the standard mop to clear up the pools of congealed blood left by your recently wounded and now desperately fleeing family members, then switch to the sturdy broom option to scrape the flecks of bone fragments and clumps of viscera from your shag-pile carpet

Is your housework being interrupted by a ghoulish walking corpse? No problem! Simply seperate the top and bottom halves of the multi-mop handle to reveal the razor-sharp piano wire connecting the two - ideal for swift removal of zombie heads! Simply loop the wire around your slavering antagonist’s neck and yank hard for swift, efficient decapitations!” — Dill the Devil

1. I really feel a responsibility to support Jennifer Garner’s career for no other reason than she was a big influence in realizing I was a lesbian.

Melody, I agree with your sentiments 100%. Although, if you sit down with the [“Alias”] DVDs and watch seasons 3-5 continuously it helps with the…well…it just makes a little more sense than the complete and utter brain fuck it was when they would go 5 weeks without a new episode. I also notice with JJ shows, the first 2 seasons tend to kick ass (Alias, Lost, Felicity), and then he sees something shiny and gets distracted and all of a sudden Spy Barbie has been missing for two years? And has a sister? And then is pregnant? But then Spy Ken get shots 40 times in the chest and dies? But then he actually isn’t dead?

Best. Show. Ever. — Masey

Masey: Jennifer Garner’s Catch and Release is all yours.

Honky Tonk Badonkadonk

Eloquent Eloquence / The Top 10 Comments of the Week

Eloquent Eloquence | April 24, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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