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April 17, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | Eloquent Eloquence | April 17, 2008 |

The Boozehound is back this week in his regular Friday morning spot (to prepare you for a heavy-drinking weekend), so Eloquent Eloquence will now move to Thursdays for as long as Ted’s liver holds out.

Meanwhile, I can’t be sure, but I think all the PR flaks have conspired together and enacted a Pajiba embargo because of this new feature. Nobody offered any giveaways this week, and even the old stand-bys are abandoning us. I guess PR flaks don’t like to be mocked. Shame, that.

But, since I’ve already started a new tradition here, to give away a DVD to the top commenter, Pajiba will be supplying this week’s DVD (please visit our sponsors! Several times!). To this week’s top commenter goes National Lampoon’s Van Wilder, for reasons that should become apparent.

It is on:

10. So, yeah… Seriously. What the hell is the milkshake thing?

“As I understand it (NOT having seen the movie), and to cross two memes together, “I drink your milkshake, I drink it up!” is a way of saying “I have inflicted massive pwntangage on you.” He might belong a base or two as well.

I do not know if there is a milkshake present that the pwntanged individual was drinking, and whether or not said hypothetical milkshake was indeed drunk a la Jules Winfield.

But that seems to be the gist.” — Jay

9. “I like to believe that my nipples taste like sangria.” — Julie

8. “The TV Whore is so beautiful!I love him.Maybe many men like him,too.If you want to know him more,you would go to “” He is also on “,” there are a lot of reports about him. You can contact him on that website.” — JP

7. “The spambot is my new favorite Pajiban.” — jamiepants

6. “Dave Matthews doesn’t do a phenomenal cover of anything. Anything.”— Kash

Bonus: Douchebag comment of the week: “Why the hate for Tucker Max? It takes two to tango, and he didn’t use force on anyone. This resembles the racism of low expectations, the idea that women are too stupid to make their own decisions without becoming “victims” to evil men who take advantage of them. I’m sure most of the women who post here don’t orbit the same social scene that Tucker does/did, and wouldn’t fall for his “charms” - good for you, it takes all kinds. But apparently there were plenty of women who chose differently. Or maybe some of the anger is because some of you did choose differently in the past, and are confusing regret with victimhood, and personal accountability with blaming the other party.” — Esher Fern Gamble

5. “In the name of holy accuracy, I must correct your claim that Vanessa Hudgens has topless pictures on the internets! They are not merely topless pictures, they are lecherous, fully nude pictures — an important distinction as if they had been just topless I would probably never have known what her bush looks like.” — Lobstersurpise

4. “I love Keanu. Keanu = sandpaper for the eyes? Unless you wake up to Apollo/Aphrodite every morning, you are insane. Keanu is more sensual aromatic herbal massage oil for the eyes (if eyes were meant to be erotically massaged). He doesn’t need amazing acting skills…He’s fucking Keanu Reeves! If I want to see acting skills, I’ll turn on some Masterpiece Theatre. If I want to be impregnated, I’ll call Keanu!” — *

3. “Younger people please remember: Bitching about the younger generation is one of very few pleasures left to those of us who make it to coot-dom. We can’t drink or do drugs or take ass-whippings like we used to. Sex has become depressingly infrequent. Food doesn’t taste good any more. Give us a break.” — Jerce

2. Nicole, “A cocksucking sackmunch?”

“Let’s see, I’m a VERY homosexual dude, and the only time I’m interested in cocksucking or sackmunching is when a bird is doing it. I have less then no interesting in sucking some dude’s schlong or gobbling his sack (unless he’s cute) or having some dude do the aforementioned acts to me (again, unless he’s cute. Or a bird).”

“As for “Chex, and the amazing thing he did,”

“he wrote a book.A really good book that I will probably buy. Twice.

“Which everyone will read and which will be remembered forever.


If Chez’s book is so flantabulously amamzing how come it hasn’t been reviewed by the New York times or the New Yorker or Publishers Weekly? How come it isn’t on the New York Times Bestseller List or the Publisher’s Weekly Bestseller List?

Because it’s too good for those publications, that’s why!

It’s more than just one of the 100,000 different books that will be published this year — it’s better! Shit, I’ll wager actual cash money that it sells less more 1,000,000 copies, which seems a really safe bet since y’all are bleating how great it is!

And let’s be honest, what the world really needs and more importantly wants, is yet another “Oh poor widdle me, I refused to take personal responsibility for my actions and thus got addicted to heroin/crack/crystal meth,” and finely got some sense beaten the fuck into me Gen X” memoir complete with extra snark and smarm. I can’t wait!

No one is holding a gun to your face and making you read my comments are they?

Didn’t think so?” — Ben

1. “I pose the question: What ISN’T worth watching for Ryan Reynolds?

nothing, my friends, nothing isn’t worth watching for Ryan Reynolds. — Bethy

new Pajiba motto

“(some latin words)…Ryan Reynolds…(some latin words)….ABS….(some latin words)….HOT!!!”

and Julie, not if I get to him first. I can run pretty fast when the prize at the end is that pretty.” — Bethy

“Julie, thanks for the help! as payment, I will give you slight headstart in the Race for Ryan (its got a name now, so everybody knows we’re serious) to give you the impression you are doing well and that boost of self-confidence. Unfortunately, it will be to no avail, as I have hijacked the MurderTank (keep that bit o’ information on the down low) and we all know that has been souped out to the max and no other land vehicle can match it for speed (or murderous tendencies).” — Bethy

“probably end badly for me, but my goal is to violate Ryan in many unspeakable ways before Godtopus smites me where I (hopefully) lay … you would’t deprive a girl of her dying wish, would you?” — Bethy

“ahh….but you see, I have already found my way to Ryan’s house, drugged him, and laid a complex web of booby (hehe) traps in a 5 mile radius of what I am now calling Ryan and Bethy’s House of Passion and Bliss. — Bethy

“I have applied a special “anti-Ryan’s glorious abs trance” coating to my glasses. I am now what you call “invincible.” — Bethy

Congrats, Bethy: A free copy of National Lampoon’s Van Wilder is yours. You can add it to your shrine.

Name Those Abs!

Eloquent Eloquence / The Top 10 Comments of the Week

Eloquent Eloquence | April 17, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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