I never cease to be amazed by you people, and I’ve been pleasantly flabbergasted with the way everyone has rallied behind Alabamapink, someone you’ve never actually met. These interwebs are a crazy thing, and goddamnit, I’m a little touched by the outpouring. And it’s not just been in our comments section and hers, but in a lot of personal blogs I’ve seen. For a group of unbelievably bitchy people who worship a one-eyed octopus and drink way too fucking much, collectively, you folks have amazing heart. If there’s anything else like it on the Internet, I’ve never seen it.
And if there’s anyone that deserves it, it’s Lady Pink, and I wish I’d organized something on her behalf a little better when we announced the Gift Basket Idea in Pajiba Love on Wednesday. So, before we get to the comments, I want to rectify it. I’d hoped to create an amazing wish list on Amazon and have stuff sent to her, but that the semantics of that turned out to be a bit more complicated than I’d hoped. So, for now, the Pajiba staff is gonna send her a nice assortment of things, but if anyone out there wants to help out: 1) She has a wish list on Amazon; you can check there (I’ve also discovered that, if you add one item from her wish list, you can add other things and send them to the registry address); 2) If you’d like to send her something, please private email me (dustin at pajiba dot com) and I’ll give you her address (after I vet you, of course); and 3) if you’d like to contribute monetarily to the Pink family, you can send money to pajiba at gmail dot com via PayPal, and I promise every penny (and the appropriate attribution) will get to her. Also, Ranylt also made a wise suggestion: If you are inclined, put yourself on the bone-marrow transplant list.You can get more information here.
Like I said, you folks are unbelievable.
Now, onto Eloquent Eloquence: I’ve only got one PR pitch to make this week; perhaps, I scared our generous PR flaks away (come back! Come back with your free stuff!). But, this one is actually a worthy giveaway: To our top commenter, Deep Focus is giving away a copy of The Orphanage, a movie co-produced by Guillermo De Toro that Ranylt gave a modestly decent review to, writing, in part: “The Orphanage plays with nothing we haven’t seen before, but by and large it plays with them well, and results in a capable recombination with only minor, genre-specific problems and an overall less-than feeling when compared to some of its sister films.” It’s got all sorts of special doohickeys they want you to know about, like a couple of featurettes, video segments on the filmmakers, and if you play it backwards, well, that probably means your DVD player is busted. Here’s the trailer:
On that subject and, in ads I approved without investigation, have you folks noticed we are advertising sex toys? It’s probably smart targeting.
Anyway, here we go:
10. Ok, I didn’t realize that I was supposed to “plan” losing my virginity, I figured that it just kinda happened and that’s the way it worked for pretty much everyone. Guess I was wrong. Next someone will be telling me I was supposed to send an engraved invitation and have cake or some shit. — Genny (also Rusty)
9. Losing one’s own virginity is a chore, a disappointment and often traumatic. No exceptions. Taking someone else’s virginity is just a chore. Virgins are boring. This is just not a good basis for a movie. — Jerce
“A-greed. The problem is that virgins don’t like surprises. There should be a rule stating that all actions require ample warning prior to execution, lest your virginal virgin screech and run from the room.
Personally, I think I would have appreciated the act a little more if he had just said: “Come here so I can gnaw on your ass.” J_Capri
I guess I’ll just toss out my spec for Hymen Explosion … It was gonna be a vivacious romp too. — Bernard
8. “Listen, despite the fact that they’re apparently running rampant right outside my office, turkeys don’t bother me nearly so much as chickens. I goddamn HATE chickens.
Except for eating, cuz yum.
But just for, like, running around? No. They’re ugly, smelly, stupid and mean. And roosters? Oh hell no. As children, my brother and I dreaded when my grandparents told us to go fetch eggs. WHY DO YOU WISH US TO COURT DANGER, GRANDPA? WE THOUGHT YOU LOVED US! My grandma, on the other hand, clearly hated us and wanted us to suffer and die. She fed us lutefisk once. On purpose. I mean, she was from North Dakota so there were obviously things wrong with her, but still. There is no excuse for lutefisk. It’s all gelatinous and rotten tasting and stinky and jiggly and kind of translucent and super freaky and sick and wrong, and all those old bitches are always, “Oh, it’s good with LOTS of butter.” LIES.
…the hell was I talking about?
Oh yeah. Chickens. HATE.” — Sarina
7. “Who could play his wife? Did Orville Redenbacher have a wife? Can you imagine fucking him? Slowly lowering his striped suspenders, running your hands through his shock of white hair, the faint smell of butter as you nibble his ears… “Oh Orville…do me in a Jiffy!”
“That just cheered me up.” — Julie
6.Top 5 Oddities While Julie Molests a Dead John Krasisnki
5) The dead stare in his eyes isn’t because he’s not into it. It because he’s….ya know. Dead.
4) She was lucky and rigormortis set in at just the right time.
3) When people die a waking death, their jaws open and their mouths go slack…so an open-mouth kiss is a definite possibility.
2) If you want to get kinky and establish bedroom role-reversal, you can begin punching holes in random spots on his body and begin violating them. They will be squishy…like cold apple pie.
1) Someone will finally be able to tell us what a cold, dead finger feels like.
…yup. The ‘topical self-editing’ part of my brain is shut off today. Rad. — Pissboy
J. Geils Band - “My Anus is the Center Hole” — Pissboy
4. “Someone mentioned Battlestar fucking Galactica. I’m angry at my husband right now for getting me sucked in to that shit! I’m going to get my Biggest Dork in the Universe certificate in the mail ANY day now.”
“He does it real stealth-like. He’ll drop little factoids (he knows I love factoids, it’s my inner dork) like “her name is Katee with two e’s, isn’t that weird?” and “oh yeah they thought she was dead but she’s not. Or is she?” and on Valentine’s Day, this ringer: “You’re like my Cylon.” How romantic, dude.”
“Then during Razor or whatever the fuck that one was called or maybe it was the last episode of the season? I had fallen asleep as I usually do during his dweeboid shows and in my sleep I heard that amazing version of “All Along the Watchtower” and HAD to pull myself up on my elbows and go “WHAT THE FUCK?” And then he smiled and knew I was a goner.” — Anastasia Beaverhausen
4.” Y’know what would get me to watch “Deal or No Deal”? Add one more case, but instead of money, there’d be a pistol loaded with a single bullet … The model with the case, like it or not, has to walk down to the stage and pop a cap into the picker of the “Suitcase of Pain”. The only way for the picker to avoid the bullet is to knock Howie unconcious before the model gets close enough to take a shot …” — Skittimus Maximus
3. “This is the suck. I know I read a hell of a lot more than I comment, but I kinda feel attached to a lot of the posters here, in that invisible-nerd-who-eavesdrops-on- the-poplar-kids-in-Hughes- wannabe-teen-movies way, and AlabamaPink has made me nose a diet coke more than once. If you read this, AP, I hope you’re back to healthy pretty quick.” — PaleoLithchick
And thanks to Ms. Pink for being responsible for the delurking of: excusenothing, tinksgirl, Bethy, h0p3, brenia, TalulahBelle, ncnn, Solstice and the rest who came out just to wish her well. I’ve called your number, so you may as well stay out, now.
2. “One night I had a dream, I dreamt I was walking along the beach with the Godtopus. Across the sky flashed scene from my life, for each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonged to me and the other to Godtopus.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life there was only one set of footprints. I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Godtopus,
“Godtopus you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, I see only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why you left me when I needed you most”.
The Godtopus replied, “My son, my precious child , I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trials and suffering where you see only one set of footprints, I was so fucking hammered…man, I remember this one time I was ink bladder deep into a midget while Dustin was giving this Balinese hooker a Cleveland Steamer. Good times, man. Good times. By the way, I don’t have fucking feet, dillhole. You see these?! Tentacles, man! T-e-n-t-a-c-l-e-s!! You will burn for your insolence! Burn!” — Manny
1. No, “30 Rick” is a new comedy-thriller being produced by McG, the premise is that the CIA has produced 29 clones of Rick “Don’t Call Me Ricky” Schroeder, and the original must track them all down and kill them one-by-one before they ruin (“ruin”) his acting career. It’s “Chuck” meets Charlie’s Angels, except all of the Angels are Rick Schroeder. Talk about Must See TV! — Doog
Congrats, Doog: I hope you like Spanish horror films.
I was SO sure the Godtopus Footprints story would take it! Congrats, Doog!
Posted by: Kolby at April 11, 2008 9:11 AM
Ha! Me too Kolby :) Congratulations Doog!
And word to what Dustin said above. I love all of you sick bastards.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 9:17 AM
I know someone else mentioned it here on Pajiba so I just wanted to report that 'Bad Cop, Bon Cop' has an official U.S. release date on DVD in May.
Yessss.
Posted by: twig at April 11, 2008 9:23 AM
Wait, what? I swear I just saw my name at spot 10, but that can't possibly be. I'm just hung over from drinking Kopparberg and watching Southland Tales: Revelations as told by Kurt Vonnegut by way of the 5th Element.
But yeah, congrats to Doog, Manny was a tough horse to beat in this race.
G(aR), I just saw Southland Tales two days ago. I have absolutely no idea how to quantify the experience, except that watching it sober is no good either.
Posted by: twig at April 11, 2008 9:32 AM
Yes, congratulations everyone...for winning my well-deserved award. I'll be right over, Doog, with the chloroform...er...congratulatory rag...
You people really are the best, though. Even the spambot is worried for her. When we can take time out from our bashing, drinking, funny storytelling to ensure one of our own is well taken care of in her hour of need...I feel all gooey inside. Like one of the Godtopus's meals. Good form...love it.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 11, 2008 9:37 AM
I love this. I am starting to look forward to it every week. I don't comment much, but I love seeing the hilarious things that you guys right. I try to explain to my friends about how funny you all are, but they don't really understand.
Also, I love Skittimus's version of Deal or No Deal. I would totally be hoping for the "Suitcase of Pain" every week.
Posted by: Erin at April 11, 2008 9:44 AM
Heh...I bought Southland Tales and watched it this weekend. After it was over and my sanity, which started wandering around outside, sampling the flowers, at the beginning of the movie, came back....I went and looked it up on the internet. Read a spoiler site. Read another spoiler site. Went back and watched the movie. With the spoiler site in front of me. Finally understood the first act. Passed out. Haven't been back since.
Though I have to say...I enjoyed the random music in the middle of it.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 11, 2008 9:50 AM
I can tell you right now that Manny's gonna throw a mother of a temper tantrum when he sees that he placed second. Because he's a big baby.
Also, Doog... your idea both terrifies and fascinates me. Very similar to my feelings about the people here.
twig apparently it makes more sense if you read the three part graphic novel Richard Kelly wrote that precedes the events in the movie (you'll notice that the title cards start with IV). However, when I've got an evening to myself and want to enjoy a movie, I don't want to do goddamned research beforehand. After a while I just sat back and... appreciated the Rock.
And Shadows, I was just thinking how amazing it is that a group of people with no bond stronger than a shared affinity for this website would be so affected and moved by the circumstances of another. Almost makes me rethink my misanthropy.
Just popping my head in to say that I love the shortening G(aR) as it sounds awesomely piratey. I'm now always going to picture Genny as a readheaded pirate pillaging her way across the Irish seas. Not that I didn't already.
I have to own up to the influence of David Letterman's Top Ten List on my thought-process: Number one should always feel slightly anti-climactic, which is why the best truly needs to be number 2. Also, people who have written for this (or a sister site) are not truly eligible to win prizes. And newbies or first-time commenters tend to get a small bump for encouragement's sake. -- DR
Posted by: Dustin Rowles at April 11, 2008 9:57 AM
Then of course there's the explanation that some of us just aren't that funny...
Posted by: Alex the Odd at April 11, 2008 10:03 AM
Congrats DOOG! I thought for sure Manny had it. I think it was the part with the Balinese hooker that got me. Or maybe imagining Dustin giving her a Cleveland Steamer, which was especially funny because i have NO idea what Dustin looks like, so my imagination had free reign, which was awesome. Cuz Dustin started out as the stereotypical hipster, but quickly morphed into other things because I realized 'A hipster would never give a steamer cuz he might get shit on his throwback Adidas running shoes.' So the...he had the head of a chicken, which made the poo all 'bird-sh'. And then he was in the center of a cock-fighting ring, still with the head of a chicken. Then he was a boxer. Then he was Mike Tyson. Then he was Mike Myers. Then he was Michael Myers (which was 47 different kinds of awesome because 'the shape' mask started making straining-for-poo faces). Then he was Mike Myers again. (I think this might have something to do with my association of Mike Myers with Shit) Then he was Austin Powers, and the hooker was Heather Graham. Then he was pooping graham crackers. Then he was poopin Teddy Grahams. Then he was back to real poop, but he was Teddy Ruxpin. Then he was a plain teddy bear. Then he was Tenderheart Bear, and I screamed. NO TENDERHEART!!!! There's no Cleveland Steamers in Care-a-Lot!!!" But then the hooker turned into LionHeart, while Perfect Panda appeared out of nowhere and started rubbing one out in the corner. Before long it was a giant orgy of Care Bears, Care Bear Cousins, Fraggles, and Muppets. Doozers were being used like hamsters, and being forced to construct unusual, ornate (and Fraggle edible) penetration devices. There was plush fur, animal stuffing, and poo everywhere. but for some reason, Perfect Panda never got involoved. Just sat in the corner yanking it. That dude is sick.
Posted by: PissBoy at April 11, 2008 10:03 AM
"Also, people who have written for this (or a sister site) are not truly eligible to win prizes."
Aw, motherfucker!
Now I'm gonna throw a tantrum. Goddamn police state with your stupid RULES!
After a while I just sat back and... appreciated the Rock.
Quite so. I didn't realize he had so many tattoos - super gorgeous, and I cracked up every time he did that nervous thing with his hands. I think this movie was the proof for me that I'll watch him do anything.
Overall the movie seemed to be deliberately obtuse, more flash and hand-waving than anything really profound (contrasted with, say, 'The Prestige,' and even if that was all flash and hand-waving in the end, it certainly felt more meaningful.)
Plus I was kind of annoyed that he pretty much fell back on the Donnie Darko ending. I know all storytellers are essentially one-trick ponies, but if your movie is insane, there's no reason to fall back on a cliche, when really ANY ending would have worked.
Posted by: twig at April 11, 2008 10:06 AM
who worship a one-eyed octopus
Blasphemy!
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 11, 2008 10:10 AM
I am quickly running out of ways to hide my flat-out laughter from my co-workers...
PissBoy, you had me snorting hot tea, which is NOT fun! We are in a minor fight now, until you have me attemping not to fall out of my chair again, so I give it 20 minutes, tops.
Posted by: Bethy at April 11, 2008 10:12 AM
Also, re: 'Bama - I highly recommend the wish list route. I went through and got her something a couple days ago, and it's a good way to get her something more permanent than flowers, and that you know she'll enjoy.
Posted by: TK at April 11, 2008 10:14 AM
drink way too fucking much
The only way that you can drink too much is if your liver is on the pillow next to you and holding a sign that says "I Quit!".
You can't keep telling people that there is a heart under the crust of scathing and bitchy, you know. People will get the wrong idea.
Dammit, we do stand by our own.
Posted by: Melody at April 11, 2008 10:18 AM
Before long it was a giant orgy of Care Bears, Care Bear Cousins, Fraggles, and Muppets. Doozers were being used like hamsters, and being forced to construct unusual, ornate (and Fraggle edible) penetration devices. There was plush fur, animal stuffing, and poo everywhere. but for some reason, Perfect Panda never got involoved. Just sat in the corner yanking it. That dude is sick.
Oh my god...I just laughed so fucking hard at that.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 10:20 AM
Alex, I actually have a picture of myself wearing an eye-patch and holding a large (plastic) knife from a halloween if you need further illustration for your head. But I wasn't a pirate, I was Molotov Cocktease from the Venture Brothers. I got "pirate" a lot more often.
I think part of the problem is that Southland Tales is genuinely based off of Revelations, which is obtuse and has a lot of flash and hand waving to begin with. But I wasn't as impressed with Donnie Darko as everyone else my age seemed to be, so maybe I just don't "get" the Richard Kelly thing.
I was just happy we got gratuitous shots of a half naked Dwayne Johnson. (I think the tattoos were in some way significant. Whatever, as twig said they're mainly hot as hell.)
I just can't wait till 'bama gets better so I can mock her mercilessly over her wish list.
Virginia Woolf: An Inner Life adjacent to Harold and the Purple Crayon wasn't even the best one; it pales in comparison to Sensual Orthodoxy followed immediately by What Are We Feeding Our Kids?
Priceless.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 11, 2008 10:25 AM
I can know longer allow myself to be used by Pajiba. I did not want it to come to this, but my hand is being forced by certain people behind the scenes. You have finally got what you've wanted. When I was asked to come to Pajiba I agreed but only if certain parameters were set. The new regime has fought me every step of the way. Please accept my resignation, I'm sorry.
Pookie
Posted by: Pookie at April 11, 2008 10:26 AM
i have NO idea what Dustin looks like
PissBoy, I thought we all knew that he looks like Vince Vaughn's slightly more responsible and better-smelling twin? Didn't we clear that up ages ago?
Posted by: Kolby at April 11, 2008 10:31 AM
Pookie as a tool of the twisted Pajiban regime? Evil forces conspiring against him and possibly us? Deception, political agendas and intreague for a Friday afternoon?
Marvellous! Tell me more!
Posted by: Alex the Odd at April 11, 2008 10:31 AM
Sensual Orthodoxy followed immediately by What Are We Feeding Our Kids?
Ha! That makes me love her more.
I have no desire whatsoever to see Southland Tales...even the title puts me in a coma. I do have some kickass movies to watch from Netflix right now: The Muppet Movie, There Will Be Blood, and The Mist.
I'm going to have nightmares about a be-tentacled Kermit the Frog drinking a milkshake.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 10:31 AM
Ok, I had a really shitty night and am running on virtually no sleep, but I wanted to say two things:
I absolutely love that we have created our own little dysfunctional community of love and alcohol. Thank you for having me, Pajiba.
If Julie thinks you're a sick fuck, then you are a SICK FUCK.
Posted by: Nicole at April 11, 2008 10:34 AM
I was intrigued by Southland Tales before, and still am, but now it's more in a bit of a head-tilty way. You know, like when your dog is trying to figure out just what in the hell you're doing?
I only very recently stopped lurking and joined the ranks, but I do feel a certain affection for the regulars here. For those who wish to maintain their cold, black heart image, just stand by the old saying, "Nobody beats up my little brother but me."
Posted by: feramones at April 11, 2008 10:34 AM
Julie, damn you, now I really want - nay, NEED - a Fribble. A strawberry one.
Posted by: Kolby at April 11, 2008 10:34 AM
"Nobody beats up my little brother but me."
There's also the endearing, "Nobody puts ATO in a corner."
Posted by: Kolby at April 11, 2008 10:36 AM
PissBoy disturbs me. Not because what he writes could be disturbing, but because I laugh my ass off at everything he writes. Then I sit there and think "Wait, that was kinda disturbing and potentially offensive. I shouldn't laugh at that. What if some kid were to read what he wrote?" Then I'd imagine the face of a little kid reading what he wrote, and laugh my ass off yet again.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 11, 2008 10:38 AM
Pookie, if that is your real name, I demand details.
Now.
Posted by: Melody at April 11, 2008 10:39 AM
What in the holy hell is a Fribble? God I'm warped, I'm picturing a milkshake made out of ice cream and the blood of Popples.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 10:39 AM
There's also the endearing, "Nobody puts ATO in a corner."
...except Perfect Panda. He can. But only when he needs help.
Posted by: PissBoy at April 11, 2008 10:40 AM
Man, I love the way you count: 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1, My anus is the center hole, 4,4,3,2,1.
I thought "My anus is the center hole" would at least get it's own number, and I thought it would be number 1. That one still makes me giggle. I'll be singing it for the rest of my life.
Posted by: BWeaves at April 11, 2008 10:41 AM
Fribbles are made at Friendly's. Seltzer, Milk, ice cream...blend. OMG! NOM NOM NOM!
Posted by: PissBoy at April 11, 2008 10:41 AM
and the blood of Popples
that's the third time I've nearly snorted coffee this morning.
interesting tidbit: the most entertaining sentence to yell out in Popple-speak? Listen to me!
I'll give you all a minute to try that out....
Posted by: feramones at April 11, 2008 10:42 AM
I really need to return my three netflix movies that have been out for over 2 weeks. Southland Tales has been at the top of my queue for a while now, and I just need to return what I have (trust me, I haven't for a variety of reasons).
side note: recent email from my boss - "What is pajiba.com?"
I'm laughing, but deep down I'm thinking SHIT! Don't you even fucking dare put this on the banned website list!
Posted by: Colin at April 11, 2008 10:44 AM
A Fribble is the best fucking milkshake you will ever have. They serve them at Friendly's, and I urge you to go out and get one at your earliest convenience. If there is not a Friendly's in your area, I urge you to purchase a plane ticket and get to one at your earliest convenience. Don't fly American, it'll take too long.
In the meantime, Google Fribble.
Posted by: Kolby at April 11, 2008 10:44 AM
I want to spend a weekend in Pissboy's brain, wearing spelunker gear, with a pick-axe and some excavating tools, just poking around and trying to figure out how the fucking thing works. Is there a manual? These questions need answering.
Also, why was I not told that Pookie was some sort of shadow agent? When did this turn into a Ken Follett novel?
WTF is Popple-speak? I thought I knew all things randomy and pop culture.
Posted by: PissBoy at April 11, 2008 10:44 AM
Shadows, I think the best thing about PissBoy's little Cleveland Steamer rant is that is seems to be stream of consciousness writing. Much like Virginia Woolf's Mrs. Dalloway, except that instead of planning a party he's planning an 80's characters orgy of pain and sadness.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 10:46 AM
I remember Popples (and the annoying commercial for them), but I can't say I've ever heard them speak.
Posted by: Kolby at April 11, 2008 10:47 AM
Feramones explain this Popple speak :)
Kolby and PissBoy...ok, that sounds delicious, but I like my version better.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 10:48 AM
Hey PissBoy don't drag me into your sordid little 80s kiddy TV character filled fantasies. You may get off on the mental images inspired by a care-bear and care-bear cousin orgy but I'm not entirely comfortable re-living those memories. That lion is one sick fuck. He looked so harmless, said he just needed my help for a minute. Something about helping a child believe in herself. And I believed him. I followed him onto that cloud and... Oh Godtopus. I can't.... don't make me go back there. DON'T MAKE ME REMEMBER.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at April 11, 2008 10:49 AM
socalled: "Blasphemy, blasphemyou!"
Sorry it was stuck in my brain and had to come out!
Posted by: trixie at April 11, 2008 10:49 AM
WTF is Popple-speak? I thought I knew all things randomy and pop culture.
all I remember from my childhood is that you replaced the first consonant of every word with the letter "P".
There is also the distinct possibility that I hallucinated the entire thing later in life due to a drug-fueled haze.
Posted by: feramones at April 11, 2008 10:51 AM
Po it pas pike phis? Popple peak, phat is?
Posted by: Polby at April 11, 2008 10:52 AM
socalled- I clearly did not take my time to look through 'Bama's list. Items that sounded cool to me jumped right out from the top, so I went with that. I hope she and Mr. Pink have a lot of room in their home, because if the Pajibans are following through like it sounds like we are, they are about to get inundated... Which, is fabulous!
Hmm, maybe I'll invite you all to the painting (and other work that needs to be done to the new, but old, house we just bought) party the Main Squeeze and I are supposed to be having next Saturday.
No, wait, complete and total danger lies that way. The next thing I know, TK will show up with the zombies claiming that he can get them to paint without getting paint all over the ceiling, floors, and trim, which we all know is a lie. Not to mention the uncontrollable biting.
Julie and Shadows will be doing outrageous things to each other in a corner, and I'll be lucky if it only entails standard household items.
socalled will be encouraging me to have just one more French 75; telling me that'll I'll be able to wield tools with more confidence if I'm drunk off my ass.
PissBoy will alternately be spouting things I find offensive and fuckin' hilarious. So I'll be alternately threatening to throw him out of my godtopus damn house and being incapacitated by laughter.
And Skitt will show up in the MurderTank...
Ok, I'm just going to have to stop this train of thought right here. I don't want to think of what the rest of you might do.
Anyway, how did I get here? Oh yes, you all are awesome. I'll just re-profess my love for the Pajibans. And it does make me infinitely happy to know that we are coming together to support our lovely Miss Pink.
Posted by: tamatha at April 11, 2008 10:53 AM
Oh, Friendly's diners. Did anyone else notice how their kids menu got really freaky bizarre a while ago? Like, all these tiny characters that were like half-fireman/half-tentacle monster. I kept meaning to steal a menu but I never got back there. It was like a kid's menu straight out of We Share Our Mother's Health
Posted by: twig at April 11, 2008 10:54 AM
Kolby, knock it the puck off.
Posted by: TK at April 11, 2008 10:54 AM
English has p-speak too??
Fapantapastipic!
Posted by: Adere at April 11, 2008 10:54 AM
Py Podtopus, I pove pow py pame pounds in Popple peak.
Posted by: Pulie at April 11, 2008 10:55 AM
Does Popple speak also turn you into Yoda Kolby?
Posted by: Alex the Odd at April 11, 2008 10:55 AM
just one more French 75; telling me that'll I'll be able to wield tools with more confidence if I'm drunk off my ass
It's just like playing pool, especially with the power tools.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 11, 2008 10:56 AM
AtO, never follow a cartoon lion onto a cloud. There will only be tears, the distant memory of your innocence, and a lot of mane-pulling.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 10:58 AM
God, I love this place, but I just don't have the time to sit around and drop clever all over the page every time there's an update. I almost never even make it in time to the comment diversions. Godtopusdamn college, don't they realize I have very important internet responsibilities I wish to pursue??
Posted by: Fi at April 11, 2008 11:00 AM
Into Yoda it does turn me, yes.
Posted by: Kolby at April 11, 2008 11:01 AM
God I love this place and how quickly the comments descend into utter madness.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 11:05 AM
For heaven's sake! I take a week off to visit the mothership and you all let "Bama get sick on me. That's just not on. I hold you all personally responsible.
And on another note (just so no additional Pajibans come to harm):
TK: If you're seriously thinking of entering PissBoy's brain, forget the spelunking outfit. You need a Level 4 Biohazard reverse oxygen bodysuit. You can get them at the CDC or Fort Detrick in Maryland, and you'll have to burn it when you're finished.
Posted by: PaddyDog at April 11, 2008 11:05 AM
Wise words Julie. Wise. Fucking. Words.
It's too late now though. I saw things, in that forest of feelings, things that can never be un-seen.
Never.
It makes you start worrying about yourself, you know? Have the things that I've seen. The things that I've... done wormed their way in to my brain and laid their seeds there? One day, years from now, will I be arrested for breaking into a toystore and commiting unclean acts with the merchandsie? Will I be hauled away from the scene weeping, covered with cotton stuffing and howling about the power of friendship while onlookers shield their children's eyes and mutter to each other about how it's such a shame to see a bright and promising young girl so so utterly wrong?
It won't be my fault though. It will just be my subconscious trying to work through the events of that night, re-living the memories that it worked so hard to bury deep down beneath the years of cynicism and heavy drinking, so that finally I might maybe begin to get some closure.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at April 11, 2008 11:06 AM
That explains a lot, Alex
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 11, 2008 11:10 AM
Whoa! This popple speak is not what I thought it was.
We as kids learned p-speak, much harder to apprehend: put a "p" after every vowel and then repeat the vowel.
Oh holy Fribble coated Jesus, I think you short circuited by brain Adere. :)
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 11:17 AM
AtO...it sounds like you need someone to talk to. Maybe a counselor. You guys can start out with simple conversation about your life, and where it is now....and how it got there.
Would it be too painful like a 'Nam flashback when the doctor hands you the plush anatomy doll so you can say 'Lionheart touched me here...' I figure that for being like a psychic picking up an acho through an old ring or something. But it'll be OK. I'll be there to hold your hand. (And not like Lionheart's 'I'll hold your hand' either where I slowly guide it down to my penis...that would be wrong, so wrong.)
Posted by: PissBoy at April 11, 2008 11:17 AM
Understood.
It was after all meant to be spoken.
Mostly by girls if they wanted to touch sensitive matter (periods, boys, Wham!,...) and their little brother was around.
Posted by: Adere at April 11, 2008 11:18 AM
Paddy, welcome back. And yes I did think, "hey, where *is* PaddyDog this week? She hasn't heard about this! Oh yeah, she said she was visiting Ireland".
Rusty, I'm sorry, but you put that name out there, so you are permanently bald James Urbaniak whenever I see your name. You know there's worse things.
Besides, who'd want Molotov's frustration?
For that second while my eyes were moving across the page I was afraid that Teddy Ruxpin was going to be left behind. Phew!
Hey mah peeps! I'm baaaaaack! My eternal gratitude for all the well wishes and comments and e-mails and such. You really don't know how much this unexpected community of interwebers has impacted me and my family. It has been so uplifting to know there are people all over the world rooting for me and Mr. Pink and Little Pink.
I'm totally flabbergasted at all the talk of sending me gifts and shit. Like I told Dustin, I tend to not like fusses made over me so this is all a weird experience and I'm still soaking it all in.
Pardon my typing for a while; I am on my mother-in-law's iBook and adjusting to Mac usage.
And hey, no making fun of my wishlist, dammit! I'm diversified in my interests. Thppppppt!
Richard Kelly (He's a hometown boy.) was in town this weekend for the James River Film Festival screening both Donnie Darko and Southland Tales. But noooooooo, I had to go and be admitted into the FUCKING HOSPITAL. Sucks, because I really would like to have heard his explanations of some of the more trippy/ridiculous stuff in both films.
Dammit, and it looks like I missed a pretty good discussion about losing one's virginity.
So, so, so, so wrong on many new and horrifying levels PissBoy, but you're kind to offer. Alas the PTSD therapy didn't work. The nightmares were just too awful (the lambs, they just won't stop screaming). I have finally found a therapist I can talk to though. Someone who is patient and kind and absolutely refuses to molest me. He soothes away the pain and instead replaces it with a feeling of warmth, kindness and good will to all fellow men (although not all fellow lions as they can, frankly, go fuck themselves).
His name is Jim Beam. You may have met him.
Speaking of. Friday afternoon: time to start drinking.
In entirely non horrifying news: BAMA!!! If it were possible to hug someone via the internet you'd be nursing three broken ribs by now.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at April 11, 2008 11:23 AM
Alabama!! You seem to be doing quite voluptuously, it's fantastic to see you posting again!
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 11:24 AM
Damn, I've been spotted. Oh well...
Hiya, 'Jibans!
Posted by: h0p3 at April 11, 2008 11:26 AM
"I can tell you right now that Manny's gonna throw a mother of a temper tantrum when he sees that he placed second. Because he's a big baby." - TK
What are you talking about, TK? [Takes out butcher knife]. I'm honored simply to be mentioned on this list [sharpens knife]. I mean, it's not like I've been following Guillermo Del Toro's career since Mimic [loads knife into knife launching slingshot], and would have sold my fourth testicle for this DVD, let alone the number 1 spot on the list. Hey Doog, a little to the left, k?
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 11, 2008 11:29 AM
'Bama! Glad to have you back!
AtO: I'll be hanging with your man's cousin, Rye, come 5:01pm.
Posted by: feramones at April 11, 2008 11:34 AM
Jay if I didn't want to be associated with Rusty Venture, I... probably would've titled my blog differently. Besides, he has far better quotes than Molotov.
Bama's back! Happy dance!
Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at April 11, 2008 11:34 AM
Pink!!
How the eff are ya? We have missed you. I figured that your wishlist may be a good way to send you stuff. Thanks for having the link on your blogger profile.
FYI: Suite Francaise is very good. I really enjoyed it and am planning to read some more of her stuff. I was also a heavy devotee of Sassy magazine back in the day. It was the best magazine.
Yay for Macbook!
Posted by: Melody at April 11, 2008 11:35 AM
Ah ha ha ha! The Naughty Fox ad has changed from a spanking paddle to a ball gag. So very appropriate indeed.
AtO, I want to get into whiskey, but I don't think I can handle it. My brother received an 18 year old single malt something something for Christmas, and he made me swish it and smell it and take a teeny sip...and I had to chase it with a Diet Coke. It makes me feel like such a pussy. :(
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 11:38 AM
h0p3, there's no hiding now, muah ah ah.
Oh don't worry Julie, I knew what I was getting into. Zombie wars, Godtopus worshipping, frequently murderous(er) TK, and the lot of it... But at least now I can buy the t-shirts without feeling like a creepy stalker-dork!
And Bama, glad to see you back!
Posted by: hop3 at April 11, 2008 11:40 AM
Julie: Don't get me wrong. It burns like fire. And, yes, most of the time I drink it with coke or lemonade or occasionally at the end of an evening when there's nothing left in the house grape juice (don't try that one at home kids. It's vile) but there are some days when the old Irish thirst gets me and nothing but whiskey will do. Today, with all the PTSD related drama, is one of those days.
I also noticed the presence of the ball gag. It made me smile.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at April 11, 2008 11:43 AM
But at least now I can buy the t-shirts without feeling like a creepy stalker-dork!
Hee, that's how I felt before I found the courage to start commenting...I stayed in the diversion threads, made a comment here and there, but was too intimidated by everyone else's funny to even TRY to infiltrate their evil coven. Now I can't imagine NOT wasting away work time talking with all of the howler monkeys known as the Eloquents :p
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 11:45 AM
"Diamond ball gag...when you care enough to shut her up with the best..."
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 11, 2008 11:47 AM
'Bama! Good to see you careening around the interwebs again. We missed you.
Julie: I can't drink whiskey either. I mean, yeah, I *am* a pussy, but still, your distaste is not alone at least.
I go around the building and suspect that the AC might indeed be working (maintenance elves might've shown up) and apparently kicked in in the past hour. If that's true I can take that grumble off the list and my day's a lot better already. And THEN in the time that took I see Ms. Pink 'port in. Is that like going to the bathroom and getting your restaurant food? Lighting a cigarette while you're waiting for your ride to show up? Either way, fantastic news!
Now you show that wee beady eyed Colonel's machine who's boss (and I know the Terminators will eventually take away my desktop machines and locally installed programs, but I'll fight them to the last fucking breath)!
Hi 'Bama! So glad to see you! Hope we'll be seeing lots of you.
Posted by: Kolby at April 11, 2008 11:57 AM
Yeah, so at home Mr. Pink had an ad blocker installed on our server and I never got to witness all the weird ads on the site that everyone's always joking about. Lucky me, this Mac isn't blessed with the same software.
I'm thinking the Diamond Ball Gag would be a great way to shake things up here on the oncology ward.
Nothing like an overload of internet ads to make you long for the comforts of home.
Heh, I think that's a fine idea 'bama. In fact I dare you to order an escalating series of "personal" items to your ward. Just for the expressions on fellow patients' faces. Extra points if you can make them as obscure and fetishistic as possible. Freaking people who are forced to share space with you out is a really good way to pass the time... or so I'm told.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at April 11, 2008 12:06 PM
I love whiskeys and bourbon.
At the restaurant I worked at a few years ago we got a shift drink at the end of the night. I'm first cut one night and I walk up to the bar, this little old blue-eyed southern girl, and order a rye whiskey on the rocks, while some middle-aged blue-blooded males take a look at me and then a very disappointed look at their MichUltras.
Every once in a while, my life is like a commercial.
Posted by: feramones at April 11, 2008 12:10 PM
'Bama, maybe us Pajibans can pool our money and buy you a personalized ass slapper...we can have it embossed with your name, or with the phrase "Fuck Cancer Up Its Ass."
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 12:11 PM
I stand by my typo: plural whiskeys and singular bourbon.
Posted by: feramones at April 11, 2008 12:12 PM
'BAMA RAMA DING DONG!
Glad to see you are ready to liven up the Oncology ward with a much needed dose of S & M. Just what those folks need...pain.
Also wanted to let PissBoy know he absolutely, completely rocks my sox....watching the mail.....Should be on between 7 & 8 Monday morning on CBS. Blatant, shameless Pajiba plugging....
I LOVE YOU ALL! Tomorrow is gonna be awesome!!!!
Posted by: dammitjanet at April 11, 2008 12:14 PM
'Bama-
I was thinking about you the other day, and about those stories you hear about people visualizing fighting the cancer in their bodies (and how it has worked for them), and then I had this awesome image of you imagining a tiny MurderTank, filled with minimized Pajibans--including you, of course--traveling through your body and destroying every cancer cell that was foolish enough to have taken up residence in your body. It was a really wonderful image.
So glad to see you in the thread again!
Posted by: tamatha at April 11, 2008 12:16 PM
I'm all in for freaking people out; if I can't be goofy about this situation then what's the use. A paddle would be awesome to hang over my bed.
There is some ridiculous looking Stallone movie on USA right now. I think it's time to turn the channel or turn the idiot box off.
Especially one with the reverse text that would therefore leave the word "ouch" branded onto the spankee's ass that I absolutely was not totally considering ordering until I realised that I was a) at work and b) unable to afford overseas shipping on said item.
Yes.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at April 11, 2008 12:24 PM
"And newbies or first-time commenters tend to get a small bump for encouragement's sake"
Yeah, I figured.
And just so you know, Alabama, I happen to think your wishlist shows open-minded class with a slight proclivity toward zombies and their dispatchers. I commend you.
Posted by: J_Capri at April 11, 2008 12:25 PM
Just how much are the asscheek ambossers? I can't click on that shit at work.
Posted by: Kolby at April 11, 2008 12:33 PM
Good to see you back, Bama. I hope you take Alex's advice and freak the hell out of everyone else on your ward. It's good fun. Not that I've ever done that.*cough*
Why is it that all the comment threads eventually devolve into some weird fetishistic talk? Scrabble, gag balls, Whisky-pussies...
Posted by: joker at April 11, 2008 12:35 PM
What I meant was embossers. You know.
Posted by: Kolby at April 11, 2008 12:36 PM
Glad you got back online alabamapink. If all you have to watch is Stallone's Daylight - yes I checked and that is what it is - you'll need Pajiba to keep your sanity for sure.
Scathing reviews + fetishistic talk = sanity.
Now that's an equation!
Posted by: mswas at April 11, 2008 12:38 PM
Holy crap. 'Pink is back, I had a comment in Eloquent Eloquence, 'Pink is back, Demolition Man got reviewed for Hangover Theater, 'Pink is back, I didn't mess up any of my html code, there are ball gags and spankings, and oh Godtopus is this heaven? Is it? And where's the freaking open bar???
Posted by: PaleoLithchick at April 11, 2008 12:40 PM
Speaking of weird adverts on this page: is anybody else getting the picture of little plastic baby fists?
I'm looking at you, Pissboy...
Posted by: feramones at April 11, 2008 12:58 PM
Yeah, feramones...I see them everytime I refresh...and they're freaking me out.
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 11, 2008 1:36 PM
"And newbies or first-time commenters tend to get a small bump for encouragement's sake"
you guys shouldn't be too nice to the newbies, or you'll have hoards of lurkers crawling out of the woodwork and taking over pajibaland. I'm imagining a Shawn of the Dead zombie sort of scene, but without the funny.
also, baby hands=creepy.
Posted by: avantgarden at April 11, 2008 1:51 PM
I vote Alabamapink gets some of the first godtopus/WBNS shirts? How bout a customised shirt involving WBNS, godtopus, and leukemia, just for the sake of the nurses if nobody else?
I delurk for Pink!
LH
Maybe the MurderTank can make a tour stop for morale?
Posted by: LordHelmet at April 11, 2008 1:56 PM
Welcome back 'Bama! I totally didn't know what was going on until now. I hope all goes well. And your wish list is very well rounded...
Posted by: lyricalcatt at April 11, 2008 1:57 PM
Dead baby hands! Godtopus, save us!
Posted by: manny at April 11, 2008 1:59 PM
Those baby hands, coupled with the ball gag, are making me imagine horrible evil dirty despicable ungotopusy deeds being performed by a midget in leather.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 1:59 PM
Damnit, Julie...not the midgets again.
[shudders]
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 11, 2008 2:01 PM
Holy crap! Though I'm a daily reader of the articles I almost never submit comments... so I'm totally amazed that I'm the top comment of the week. Now that I've tasted sweet victory I'm afraid I'm going to start chasing that high every week, posting poop jokes and *rofls* in order to provoke sympathy.
On a slightly embarrassing note, did I actually win merchandise, or is that just a gag? If I really did win something, how do I claim it?
I'm getting that shit too. At first I thought it was another sex-toy add. Creepy.
"For a group of unbelievably bitchy people who worship a one-eyed octopus and drink way too fucking much, collectively, you folks have amazing heart. If there's anything else like it on the Internet, I've never seen it."
I have seen it once before. The Show with Zefrank engendered a very similar community for the year that it existed. That being said I am extremely glad to be a part of the Pajibans. Now I am going to get way to drunk at 11am on some shitty Long Island iced tea mix and say a little prayer for our less fortunate friends.
Posted by: the_wakeful at April 11, 2008 2:08 PM
posting poop jokes and *rofls* in order to provoke sympathy
Do that, Doog, and suffer the wrath of TK's zombie hordes. :)
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 2:09 PM
Using internet-speak shall be IMMEDIATE grounds for zombie-devouring.
This is your first, and last, warning.
Seriously.
The next "ROFL" and you and everyone you've ever looked at dies horribly.
Haven't these godtopus/WBNS shirts been imminent for ages? When are they actually going to be done?
And 'Bama, great to see you back. :-)
Posted by: ChrisD at April 11, 2008 2:32 PM
Patience my dear ChrisD, PissBoy has been dutifully toiling away in his t-shirt making dungeon lair, taking time outs only to pee and to write ghastly dissertations on Care Bear sex. :)
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 2:36 PM
First, welcome back 'Bama! I know you already know this, but goodness were you ever missed. It's nice to have you back with us.
Second, I'm with Julie. I think we should all lay offa PissBoy, Skits, and everyone else about the sale date on the shirts. They have actual jobs and lives and whatnot, and out of the generosity of their dead blackened hearts they're donating their time, energy and resources to the creation and manufacture of the shirts. It won't kill any of us lazy jackholes to sit around on our asses and wait for them to be ready.
Hmm...I'm kinda back to being nice again. Maybe it's some kind of sunshine virus going around, cuz TK was being all gushy and baby animal loving until Alex snapped him out of it.
Plus, the Pajiba Bus(ted) Tour shirts are imminent, and they are hot as hell.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 2:49 PM
You've opened yourself up for this comment, as you mentioned the sextoy ads you approved.
Don't you think you could at least have approved a somewhat functional business? I clicked the link, and I end up at a yahoo business page that my retarded uncle could have done a better job with. What's more infuriating than a webpage where the template for the page hasn't even been removed? "Attn businesses, you can place your company description here" couldn't be any more clear, could it? It's not asking a lot to come up with a sentence like "We sell things to put in/on/around your orifices, or things to wear that make you want to put things in/on/around your orifices." It's not groundbreaking copy you need to write, is it? If I'm going to get fired to NSFW web browsing, I'd at least like the satisfaction of a product description so foul that my boss won't make eye contact with me while he's giving me my dismissal.
Posted by: thecox at April 11, 2008 2:52 PM
feramones: You've been posting regularly for only a short time, and yet you will be missed.
Jay, is an Anal Intruder what I think it is? Because what I think is that it's a tiny man (not a midget, just a miniature man) in a white rubber suit who likes to lurk in post offices and banks and dives into people's anuses when they least expect it. I've never seen "Top Secret", so tell me how far off I am.
Posted by: Joker at April 11, 2008 2:56 PM
Yes...the Bus(ted) T's are ready to be done. i made 2 of them first the other night to send to dammitjanet for her to wear on TV. i elected to send those because they have the avtual site name plainly visible on the front. I got a vmail from Skitts the other night, and like, me he is REALLY busy. They are coming. Have no fear. They are coming.
Posted by: PissBoy at April 11, 2008 2:57 PM
The baby arms make me think of Pump Up the Volume. "Hornier than a 10-peckered owl. Is it bigger than a baby's arm?"
Posted by: PissBoy at April 11, 2008 2:59 PM
I've never seen "Top Secret", so tell me how far off I am.
I was afraid of that. But I believe you already gave a respectable Francophile born in the 80s defense.
Anybody else sayin they don't know "Top Secret!" better have a good excuse ready.
But...The Anal Intruder is a marital aid. Looks a bit like a small jackhammer, but with a rubber fist on the end.
Yea, there you go. Reality once again fails to live up to my imagination. Marital aid? So...if you have marriage problems...you...uh...anal-fist each other? I'm lost. I'll never understand you crazy Americans. And you dare call us Europeans decadent.
Posted by: joker at April 11, 2008 3:12 PM
So...if you have marriage problems...you...uh...anal-fist each other?
[laughs hysterically]
DUH, Joker, isn't that how ALL relationships are fixed?
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 3:14 PM
Is that what we're going to have to do for you to forgive me for abandoning you for a month, Julie? Because you'll have to get me pretty drunk first! I liked my little man in a white rubber suit better. It somehow seemed more logical.
Posted by: Joker at April 11, 2008 3:17 PM
Hee hee, yeah we'll have to come up with a different punishment, there isn't enough lube or liquor in the world to get me to do that. :)
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 3:19 PM
Joker: Just in case you weren't just being Europeanically ironic, "marital aids" is an ancient American euphemism for sex toys. Back in the Dark Ages (aka through about the mid-70s) many states had laws banning said toys (some still do!) and there was also some sort of law about shipping obscene material through the US mail...so "dildo" or "ball gag" or "Anal Intruder™" were out of bounds. But a "marital aid" might be a manual, or a bed stabilizer or something, so it was a way of getting around our Puritanical laws.
I kind of like calling an 11" glitter-embedded purple jelly four-speed vibrator with clit- and G-spot-stimulators and seventeen attachments a marital aid.
But then, I'm an American.
Posted by: Jerce at April 11, 2008 3:20 PM
Dammit, you're trying to make me explain a sight gag in a Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker movie!
If it turns out Julie hasn't seen it either then the court will now hear your excuse for this crime against your own happiness.
(oh and "marital aid" is how they often market "sex toys" here)
Shit. I've been standing at the back of the party for over a year now. Trouble is, the longer I've left it to post, the more I've feared an awkward Slaughtered Lamb silence followed by someone drunkenly screaming "Who the FUCK invited that guy?!" if ever I opened my mouth. But this week's outpouring of uncharacteritic bretherenlyness for Alabama Pink has made me realise the need to inflate my cajones and tap out some words. Well, that and Julie's reminiscences of being a newby poster... it's difficult to imagine Julie doing anything for the first time; I tend to imagine her born full, keyboard in one hand and a diamond ball gag in the other.
Welcome back Pink, and best wishes on behalf of the silent leechers who cling to Pajiba every day to provide order to the world.
Posted by: Zuffle at April 11, 2008 3:22 PM
Nope, haven't seen it Jay!
I kind of like calling an 11" glitter-embedded purple jelly four-speed vibrator with clit- and G-spot-stimulators and seventeen attachments a marital aid.
I kind of like calling that my hobby. Wacka wacka.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 3:25 PM
See, PissBoy is awesome. And, "Top Secret" along with "Real Genius" was Val Kilmer when he was still cute and not taking himself so seriously. Incredibly fun, slapstick over-the-top ridiculously funny shit. They would make a great Hangover Theatre Double Feature!
Posted by: dammitjanet at April 11, 2008 3:28 PM
it's difficult to imagine Julie doing anything for the first time; I tend to imagine her born full, keyboard in one hand and a diamond ball gag in the other.
Bwa!!! My pants, they are peed on.
the longer I've left it to post, the more I've feared an awkward Slaughtered Lamb silence followed by someone drunkenly screaming "Who the FUCK invited that guy?!" if ever I opened my mouth.
And DUDE, that is exactly how I felt for a long long time. I didn't start posting regularly and conversing with others until January (it feels like soooo much longer), and then I realized that no one will actually bite unless asked nicely.
Welcome Zuffle :)
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 3:32 PM
Hi, Zuffle! We can be new and terrified of rejection together!
Godtopus, I should not feel as excited about coming out of the lurker closet as I do...
Posted by: hop3 at April 11, 2008 3:34 PM
Nope, Jerce, no irony intended. I'd never heard of the story. America is kind of funny that way. You make laws that don't make any sense out of some misguided sense of morality (why would anyone want to ban sex toys), then use some pretty hilarious means of circumventing them. I have to applaud your cunning.
And now I'm curious about that vibrator with 17 attachments. I may not have enough body parts to accomodate it. Julie, I hope my punishment does not involve a Swiss army knife vibrator!
Posted by: Joker at April 11, 2008 3:46 PM
[Sergeant Zim voice]
Welcome to Pajiba, noobs!
Now, many of you are not going to make it. Many of you are JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH to be part of this organization!
Remember, any time you think I'm being too rough...any time you think I'm being too tough...any time you miss your mawmy...QUIT! You sign your twelve-forty-eight, you get your gear, and you take a stroll down Washout Lane!
Do you get me??
[/Sergeant Zim voice]
Posted by: Jerce at April 11, 2008 3:48 PM
Awesome, thanks Hop3. Now, when everyone finds out we're actually Larry the Cable Guy and Dane Cook we can flee into the night together.
And Julie, thank you for the warm welcome.
Top Secret is one of those films I saw so young I thought I'd dreamt it for most of my childhood, and didn't realise it was real until much later. Those cock-jumping ballet dancers have a lot of psychosexual damage to answer for.
Posted by: Zuffle at April 11, 2008 3:50 PM
Oh my GOD, Joker!!! That made my vagina whimper in terror.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 3:51 PM
And now I'm curious about that vibrator with 17 attachments. I may not have enough body parts to accomodate it.
They're supposed to make the device more versatile, so you can sort of customize it to suit your individual tastes. They are not meant to all be used simultaneously.
...[thoughtfully]Although...
Posted by: Jerce at April 11, 2008 3:52 PM
Now, when everyone finds out we're actually Larry the Cable Guy and Dane Cook we can flee into the night together.
Ha! You wouldn't stand a chance, Skitt and the MurderTank would sniff you out in seconds.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 3:53 PM
Zuffle, hop3, et al delurkers....welcome to the madness. We are a sick bunch, but are *mostly* harmless.
Welcome back my friends
to the show that never ends
We're so glad could attend,
come inside, come inside
Come inside,
the show's about to start
Guaranteed
to blow your head apart
Rest assured
you'll get your money's worth
The greatest show
in Heaven, Hell or Earth
You've got to see the show,
it's a dynamo
Performing on a stool
we've a sight to make you drool
Seven virgins and a mule,
keep it cool, keep it cool
We would like it to be known
the exhibits that were shown
Were exclusively our own,
all our own, all our own
Come and see the show,
come and see the show
Come and see the show
See the show
Posted by: dammitjanet at April 11, 2008 3:53 PM
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE?!?! Listen newbies, when I want you to fucking talk, I'll fucking feed you the words and then punch you in the stomach 'til you fucking vomit.
Kidding, kidding.
Seriously, welcome zuffle and hop3
Also seriously, no lol-speak. It won't get you banned, but it will get you murdered.
I like that TK brings the tough love, that way I have more time to stand in the back and make dirty comments.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 4:00 PM
TK, fear ye not. My curmudgeonly refusal to type that shit is just one of the many reasons I come here. I'm a 'bring back the semi-colon' kinda guy.
Posted by: Zuffle at April 11, 2008 4:02 PM
While I'm exposing my total ignorance of American culture (and sex toy history), dammitjanet that was awesome! Where is it from?
Julie, my brain is a fearsome place.
To the newbies, I also delurked quite recently. It helps if you don't mention that you're a newbie. Just start commenting and people get confused and think they just hadn't noticed you before. Then they think you're a man (TK, Jay...I'm looking at you!). Just don't accept any invitations to play Scrabble.
Posted by: Joker at April 11, 2008 4:05 PM
Thanks for the welcome, everybody.
Also seriously, no lol-speak. It won't get you banned, but it will get you murdered.
Stress not, TK. I like words. Real ones, with letters and everything!
Now, when everyone finds out we're actually Larry the Cable Guy and Dane Cook we can flee into the night together.
Not if you keep telling everybody! Look, you've already got 'em suspicious...
Posted by: hop3 at April 11, 2008 4:07 PM
I have nothing to contribute, other than to say, yay! So nice to hear from you, Alabamapink! And welcome, delurkers--I like you crazy kids already. Although if we find out the Larry the Cable Guy and Dane Cook thing wasn't a joke, may Godtopus have mercy on your inky little souls.....
Posted by: MO at April 11, 2008 4:08 PM
Joker, it's not MY bloody fault you type in a manly fashion.
Or something.
Shut up.
Posted by: TK at April 11, 2008 4:10 PM
Hee hee hee.
It's not her fault, TK, Joker has made so many unwarranted sexual advances towards me that it's natural to assume she's a dude.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 4:15 PM
It's an Emerson, Lake and Palmer song. Just seems to fit the madness around here.
Posted by: dammitjanet at April 11, 2008 4:17 PM
UNWARRANTED?! Are you fucking kidding me, Taco Dip?! TK, them's fighting words. Meet me in the park after school and I'll show you manly.
Oh wait...that didn't help my femininininity, did it?
Posted by: Joker at April 11, 2008 4:19 PM
So right, dammitjanet, especially the 7 virgins and a mule part.
Posted by: Joker at April 11, 2008 4:21 PM
What's wrong with Scrabble? Everybody love a rousing game of Scrabble...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 11, 2008 4:23 PM
Ha! That's what you get, missy.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 4:23 PM
TK, if you kill me now, you'll never see the footage of the naked time Julie and I are planning in the MurderTank.
Just sayin'....
Posted by: feramones at April 11, 2008 4:24 PM
So this is part of my punishment? You're going to sully my good name?! DammitJulie! (Sorry Janet).
There will be naked time in the tank? Hmm...can I play with my Swiss Army Knife Dildo?
Posted by: Joker at April 11, 2008 4:29 PM
Stop it!!!! [sobs hysterically] Stooooooop it, no more talk of knives and dildos in the same sentence!! My cooch just cringed for god's sake.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 4:39 PM
Is it ok if I mention my set of Knildos? No? Ok, how about ham? Can we talk about dildos made of ham? *evil grin*
Posted by: Joker at April 11, 2008 4:41 PM
Oh yeah, Shadows? Well I SUCK at Scrabble.
Wait, that's an iffy word in this room.
I am AWFUL at Scrabble. And I priiide myself on my vocabulary. It's a humbling ass whuppin as I mutter "YOU fuckin make a word with this shit!". Defensive and scowly. Enter some kind of trivia game with me, though, and I'm simply out to kill you.
Now you're gonna make my Swiss Army knives feel dirty. Do you know how often you can be the shit just having one of those in your pocket?
Oh Jay...clearly someone needs to explain the Pajiban Scrabble game to you. Anyone? Is there anything left that we haven't dirtified? The Bible maybe? Anyone want to take a stab at it?
Posted by: Joker at April 11, 2008 4:51 PM
Joker, I will beat you to death.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 4:58 PM
I'm all about some sanctified religious sex toys...if that helps...
Scrabble Sex is like so - get Scrabble board...get willing partner...scatter tiles on board...scatter willing partner on board...proceed to play game of interest...stop occasonally to remove Scrabble tile from uncomfortable place...it is now yours to place anywhere...continue playing...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 11, 2008 4:59 PM
Jay, I'm the same way, I have a decent vocabulary and yet my friends hand me my ass every time we play Scrabble.
..scatter tiles on board...scatter willing partner on board
Hee.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 5:02 PM
I just wanted to say: y'all have been at the top of your game today. I'm proud, and a little afraid. And you new folks, as long as you avoid being assholes and making me want to fucking CUT YOUR GODDAMN THROATS WITH MY CAR KEYS, seem to be very pleasant.
That said, it is 5:05 PM, meaning it's five minutes past drinking time. And if there's one thing that makes me stabby, it's missing out on my drinking time.
I'm with TK my darlings, it was a lovely time as always but it is now the start of my birthday weekend (yes, I get a whole weekend) and I must buy wine, get takeout Thai food, and begin pampering myself NOW while I'm still 27.
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 5:07 PM
[ducks back in]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GOOLEE!
Posted by: TK at April 11, 2008 5:10 PM
Happy birthday, Julie! I'll drink one for you. No, ok, I'll drink one for myself. Hopefully after a weekend of drinking, you'll feel less...murderous.
Shadows, I love you. Would you like to play Scrabble?
Posted by: Joker at April 11, 2008 5:12 PM
Thanks my loves! GOD DAMMIT, stupid authors calling me after 5:00. I'm going. I'm leaving. Drinking. NOW. :p
Posted by: Julie at April 11, 2008 5:16 PM
Happy Birthday Julie!!
Posted by: Melody at April 11, 2008 5:18 PM
Whoa! Happy birthday, Jules! If I can remember that far back, I do believe it was my 28th birthday what was the first that I just didn't give a rat's ass about. I hope yours is just as exciting.
Posted by: Kolby at April 11, 2008 6:27 PM
Joker...Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love: hard and fast...
That's a yes, by the way. We can even do multi-player...my board's big enough for that (WHOA...talk about innuendo!!!)
Julie, sweetheart, have a great birthday, and pamper the hell out of yourself.
(Dayumn...I'm on a roll!)
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 11, 2008 6:54 PM
Okay, Julie. Your acceptance, even enjoyment, of nascent Spring is a bit more understandable now. Whereas my birthday means turkey (sometimes both roasted AND fried), short days and cold November rain. My birth was definitely Wrong Place, Right Time, as Mark E. Smith would say.
1. "For a group of unbelievably bitchy people who worship a one-eyed octopus and drink way too fucking much, collectively, you folks have amazing heart."
What the HELL do you mean ONE eye? Apparently I missed the memo on this one. I need to re-think the imaginary sea creature I am worshipping on this site...which is starting to look more and more like a cult.
and
B)Can I get an engraged copy of that Godtopus "Footprints" thing from Manny? That is just the cat's ass.
Posted by: greer at April 11, 2008 7:30 PM
Damn! Another day cooped up in lectures has made me late for the party. Oh well, back to work tomorrow where I might be able to use some of the concepts I just learned. Alabamapink, I too am glad to see you back on the site. I hope you are feeling better very soon. And speaking as an oncology nurse, I would love to see one of my patients with a diamond ball gag or an ass embosser paddle!
Posted by: rlr260 at April 11, 2008 8:17 PM
"i have NO idea what Dustin looks like
PissBoy, I thought we all knew that he looks like Vince Vaughn's slightly more responsible and better-smelling twin? Didn't we clear that up ages ago?
Posted by: Kolby at April 11, 2008 10:31 AM"
Tall pudgy and balding is no way to go through life, son.
(to paraphrase John Vernon)
Posted by: matt at April 11, 2008 9:17 PM
I am also working (slowly) on de-lurking. I figured it might be really creepy for Bama to get a present from someone that no one has ever even seen in the comments. The courage is building.... Be gentle!
Posted by: Miss_E at April 11, 2008 10:41 PM
Scrolled way down to see if dammitjanet posted a reply but she hasn't yet, so i will:
Welcome back my friends
to the show that never ends
We're so glad could attend,
come inside, come inside
I've been standing at the back of the party for over a year now.
Who the FUCK invited that guy?
Welcome Zuffle et al.! More commenters = more fun.
Happy Birthday, Julie!
We love you 'bama!
Where the fuck is BarbadoSlim?
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at April 12, 2008 9:11 PM
Well, now that Television Without Pity is becoming Bravo-tized, ya'll are my new home. I need to check this place first, so I can stop being last at everything.
Julie: in my family, we get a whole week of birthday. I highly recommend it. Happy Birthday week!
Posted by: TWoP Fan at April 12, 2008 11:04 PM
OMG I MADE NUMBER FOUR! Or number four, I can't tell which.
I had a poop joke saved up just for this occasion, but I forgot it.
My life is complete y'all. Seriously.
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I was SO sure the Godtopus Footprints story would take it! Congrats, Doog!