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April 11, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | Eloquent Eloquence | April 11, 2008 |

I never cease to be amazed by you people, and I’ve been pleasantly flabbergasted with the way everyone has rallied behind Alabamapink, someone you’ve never actually met. These interwebs are a crazy thing, and goddamnit, I’m a little touched by the outpouring. And it’s not just been in our comments section and hers, but in a lot of personal blogs I’ve seen. For a group of unbelievably bitchy people who worship a one-eyed octopus and drink way too fucking much, collectively, you folks have amazing heart. If there’s anything else like it on the Internet, I’ve never seen it.

And if there’s anyone that deserves it, it’s Lady Pink, and I wish I’d organized something on her behalf a little better when we announced the Gift Basket Idea in Pajiba Love on Wednesday. So, before we get to the comments, I want to rectify it. I’d hoped to create an amazing wish list on Amazon and have stuff sent to her, but that the semantics of that turned out to be a bit more complicated than I’d hoped. So, for now, the Pajiba staff is gonna send her a nice assortment of things, but if anyone out there wants to help out: 1) She has a wish list on Amazon; you can check there (I’ve also discovered that, if you add one item from her wish list, you can add other things and send them to the registry address); 2) If you’d like to send her something, please private email me (dustin at pajiba dot com) and I’ll give you her address (after I vet you, of course); and 3) if you’d like to contribute monetarily to the Pink family, you can send money to pajiba at gmail dot com via PayPal, and I promise every penny (and the appropriate attribution) will get to her. Also, Ranylt also made a wise suggestion: If you are inclined, put yourself on the bone-marrow transplant list.You can get more information here.

Like I said, you folks are unbelievable.

Now, onto Eloquent Eloquence: I’ve only got one PR pitch to make this week; perhaps, I scared our generous PR flaks away (come back! Come back with your free stuff!). But, this one is actually a worthy giveaway: To our top commenter, Deep Focus is giving away a copy of The Orphanage, a movie co-produced by Guillermo De Toro that Ranylt gave a modestly decent review to, writing, in part: “The Orphanage plays with nothing we haven’t seen before, but by and large it plays with them well, and results in a capable recombination with only minor, genre-specific problems and an overall less-than feeling when compared to some of its sister films.” It’s got all sorts of special doohickeys they want you to know about, like a couple of featurettes, video segments on the filmmakers, and if you play it backwards, well, that probably means your DVD player is busted. Here’s the trailer:

On that subject and, in ads I approved without investigation, have you folks noticed we are advertising sex toys? It’s probably smart targeting.

Anyway, here we go:

10. Ok, I didn’t realize that I was supposed to “plan” losing my virginity, I figured that it just kinda happened and that’s the way it worked for pretty much everyone. Guess I was wrong. Next someone will be telling me I was supposed to send an engraved invitation and have cake or some shit. — Genny (also Rusty)

9. Losing one’s own virginity is a chore, a disappointment and often traumatic. No exceptions. Taking someone else’s virginity is just a chore. Virgins are boring. This is just not a good basis for a movie. — Jerce

“A-greed. The problem is that virgins don’t like surprises. There should be a rule stating that all actions require ample warning prior to execution, lest your virginal virgin screech and run from the room.

Personally, I think I would have appreciated the act a little more if he had just said: “Come here so I can gnaw on your ass.” J_Capri

I guess I’ll just toss out my spec for Hymen Explosion … It was gonna be a vivacious romp too. — Bernard

8. “Listen, despite the fact that they’re apparently running rampant right outside my office, turkeys don’t bother me nearly so much as chickens. I goddamn HATE chickens.

Except for eating, cuz yum.

But just for, like, running around? No. They’re ugly, smelly, stupid and mean. And roosters? Oh hell no. As children, my brother and I dreaded when my grandparents told us to go fetch eggs. WHY DO YOU WISH US TO COURT DANGER, GRANDPA? WE THOUGHT YOU LOVED US! My grandma, on the other hand, clearly hated us and wanted us to suffer and die. She fed us lutefisk once. On purpose. I mean, she was from North Dakota so there were obviously things wrong with her, but still. There is no excuse for lutefisk. It’s all gelatinous and rotten tasting and stinky and jiggly and kind of translucent and super freaky and sick and wrong, and all those old bitches are always, “Oh, it’s good with LOTS of butter.” LIES.

…the hell was I talking about?

Oh yeah. Chickens. HATE.” — Sarina

7. “Who could play his wife? Did Orville Redenbacher have a wife? Can you imagine fucking him? Slowly lowering his striped suspenders, running your hands through his shock of white hair, the faint smell of butter as you nibble his ears… “Oh Orville…do me in a Jiffy!”
That just cheered me up.” — Julie

6. Top 5 Oddities While Julie Molests a Dead John Krasisnki

5) The dead stare in his eyes isn’t because he’s not into it. It because he’s….ya know. Dead.

4) She was lucky and rigormortis set in at just the right time.

3) When people die a waking death, their jaws open and their mouths go slack…so an open-mouth kiss is a definite possibility.

2) If you want to get kinky and establish bedroom role-reversal, you can begin punching holes in random spots on his body and begin violating them. They will be squishy…like cold apple pie.

1) Someone will finally be able to tell us what a cold, dead finger feels like.

…yup. The ‘topical self-editing’ part of my brain is shut off today. Rad. — Pissboy

J. Geils Band - “My Anus is the Center Hole” — Pissboy

4. “Someone mentioned Battlestar fucking Galactica. I’m angry at my husband right now for getting me sucked in to that shit! I’m going to get my Biggest Dork in the Universe certificate in the mail ANY day now.”

“He does it real stealth-like. He’ll drop little factoids (he knows I love factoids, it’s my inner dork) like “her name is Katee with two e’s, isn’t that weird?” and “oh yeah they thought she was dead but she’s not. Or is she?” and on Valentine’s Day, this ringer: “You’re like my Cylon.” How romantic, dude.”

“Then during Razor or whatever the fuck that one was called or maybe it was the last episode of the season? I had fallen asleep as I usually do during his dweeboid shows and in my sleep I heard that amazing version of “All Along the Watchtower” and HAD to pull myself up on my elbows and go “WHAT THE FUCK?” And then he smiled and knew I was a goner.” — Anastasia Beaverhausen

4.” Y’know what would get me to watch “Deal or No Deal”? Add one more case, but instead of money, there’d be a pistol loaded with a single bullet … The model with the case, like it or not, has to walk down to the stage and pop a cap into the picker of the “Suitcase of Pain”. The only way for the picker to avoid the bullet is to knock Howie unconcious before the model gets close enough to take a shot …” — Skittimus Maximus

3. “This is the suck. I know I read a hell of a lot more than I comment, but I kinda feel attached to a lot of the posters here, in that invisible-nerd-who-eavesdrops-on- the-poplar-kids-in-Hughes- wannabe-teen-movies way, and AlabamaPink has made me nose a diet coke more than once. If you read this, AP, I hope you’re back to healthy pretty quick.” — PaleoLithchick

And thanks to Ms. Pink for being responsible for the delurking of: excusenothing, tinksgirl, Bethy, h0p3, brenia, TalulahBelle, ncnn, Solstice and the rest who came out just to wish her well. I’ve called your number, so you may as well stay out, now.

2. “One night I had a dream, I dreamt I was walking along the beach with the Godtopus. Across the sky flashed scene from my life, for each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonged to me and the other to Godtopus.

When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life there was only one set of footprints. I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life.

This really bothered me and I questioned the Godtopus,

“Godtopus you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, I see only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why you left me when I needed you most”.

The Godtopus replied, “My son, my precious child , I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trials and suffering where you see only one set of footprints, I was so fucking hammered…man, I remember this one time I was ink bladder deep into a midget while Dustin was giving this Balinese hooker a Cleveland Steamer. Good times, man. Good times. By the way, I don’t have fucking feet, dillhole. You see these?! Tentacles, man! T-e-n-t-a-c-l-e-s!! You will burn for your insolence! Burn!” — Manny

1. No, “30 Rick” is a new comedy-thriller being produced by McG, the premise is that the CIA has produced 29 clones of Rick “Don’t Call Me Ricky” Schroeder, and the original must track them all down and kill them one-by-one before they ruin (“ruin”) his acting career. It’s “Chuck” meets Charlie’s Angels, except all of the Angels are Rick Schroeder. Talk about Must See TV! — Doog

Congrats, Doog: I hope you like Spanish horror films.

My Anus is the Center Hole

Eloquent Eloquence / The Top 10 Comments of the Week

Eloquent Eloquence | April 11, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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