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April 4, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | Eloquent Eloquence | April 4, 2008 |

For those of you who missed last week’s post, a refresher: Eloquent Eloquence is our weekly top ten comments intermingled with the lackadaisical pimping of sites, DVDs, books, etc. that we get from PR firms who don’t know any better.

First of all, as promised last week, here is the link to Hey! Nielsen’s trivia game:

It’s the Ultimate Trivia Challenge! (exclamation intended for ironic effect) and they even used one of the questions I submitted (it’s the Ferris Bueller question). Also, the goddamn challenge is ridiculously hard — I scored 20 out of 35 and I’m a goddamn movie critic, for God’s sake. How the fuck am I supposed to know the name of the group in the “Saved by the Bell” episode where Jesse becomes addicted to caffeine pills? [It’s the Hot Sundaes. … It was on every day of my childhood. I make no apologies. —DC]

Moving on: The FLUX guy is still bugging me.

Interesting note: The PR flak responsible for last week’s Walk the Line DVD is not an empty suit. In fact, not only did he not mind that I poked fun at him, but in furtherance of transparency, he sent a link to his blog, which I’m happy to provide for being a good sport.

What else? What else? Some guy on behalf of Adam Carolla’s self-distributed film, The Hammer wants me to give a shout-out. The reviews he blurbs seem enthusiastic, though I have to say that I loathe Adam Carolla — the humorless feminist in me recognizes him as a sexist blight on humanity, and I don’t give a shit how self-deprecatingly charming he is. Self-distribution suggests that Carolla will actually benefit financially if we see it, and I don’t want any part of that. But, I do appreciate his real-life entrepreneurial, bootstrap spirit, so here’s a link to the official website: The Hammer, something perhaps that needs to be taken to Mr. Carolla’s head.

And, finally, the good folks over at Deep Focus are responsible for this week’s giveaway, which they offered up even though I told them that our critic (Phillip) couldn’t even make it all the way through the film (which is why we have no review). So, to our top commenter, how about two copies of the straight-to-DVD remake of Day of the Dead, starring Mena Suvari, Nick Cannon and Ving Rhames. And, as part of our dutiful efforts on behalf of the studio, here’s the trailer:

I dunno, Phillip: Mena Suvari is a fucking soldier? That’s gotta be good for at least a few good guffaws.

And now, on to the top ten comments of the week:

10. (Early on in the April Fool’s Post) This comment thread is going to turn into something sadder than Eddie Murphy’s latest offerings, isn’t it? — LuluJ

9. (I don’t know if this was one of our plants or not, but I thought it was really well said.) Reader for 2 years, posting for the first time. The synthesis of intelligent and vitriolic criticism tends to elevate many of the underestimated works in cinema/art into something to be appreciated, albeit not in the sense of mainstream appreciation, which sets it apart.
I guess people come here expecting more of the vitriol than intelligence.

Some can say, “This movie is just about so and so” and leave it at that, while what this critic is doing is synthesizing the high- and low-brow tendencies of the film and humanity in general. She brings 500 years of historical perspective to a modern film and is chewed out (worse) for it?
Sometimes it’s better to pick up the dictionary and/or doing some research instead of not getting the point and letting frustration get the better of understanding. We’d all be the better for it.

This site seems geared toward esoteric tastes, and there is nothing wrong with that. Great review. — Recondite

8. You know how there’s that spot between “tipsy” and “shit-faced” where suddenly your motor skills are almost supernaturally enhanced, your vision clears, and you feel that you can do anything, but won’t try because you still have enough sense to know that even if you could catch it with you bare hand, trying to find someone who would toss you a penny off the top of the empire state building at this hour is just ludicrous? You know, the drunken Zen?

Well maybe the writer’s strike was TV’s drunken moment of Zen. But it just had to have that 7th shot of patron, and now it’s turned an unnatural shade of red, and it’s slapping its cheeks screaming “DUDE, I CAN’T FEEL MY FUCKING FACE! FEEL IT! CAN YOU FEEL MY FUCKING FACE?!” — J_Capri

7. Holy Xenu on a shingle, is this some kind of April Fools joke? Cause if this is what happens when Trading Places gets reviewed, I’m glad Ranylt passed on Doctor Detroit. — ohgrl

6. I’m currently working on Movie Movie, which is a brilliant parody of the making of the Movie genres. Actually, I just videotaped a bunch of monkeys masturbating on to a laptop, but I made sure to put some of them in funny hats and wigs, because you know, character development is important.

Then I videotaped myself with a cameraphone while I was making Movie Movie, mostly just drinking alot and swearing. It’s a mockdocumentary called Movie Movie Movie.

I posted everything on YouTube, got a deal from Fox for a three episode sitcom, told them it was a movie, they optioned it for a cartoon they stole from the Cartoon Network based on an Anime that was based on a French movie that was based on a story Jesus told to Buddha back when they were working at Falafel Hut.

I’ve already been signed on to do Movie Movie Movie Movie and 80’s Toys Movie Movie Movie Movie Duck Movie.

I dedicated the script to memory of my father, Major Major Major Major. — insertclevername

5. Gyud Gawd Ah hate them crappy Hawlywood approximations of Suhthern ack-scents. — Jerce

4. But…what’s the obsession with bears? Do I give the impression I go bear-wrestling every night? I mean…I only do that on weekends, people…when I check my traps baited with copies of Transformers. So far, I’ve only caught three geeks and a mutant flesh-eating sheep, but I have high hopes for this weekend… — Shadows of Dakaron

3. Leatherheads better be charming and full of footbally goodness, or I will kill John Krasisnki myself … and then molest his pretty pretty corpse. — Julie


1. Whoa…calm down there, Mighty Duckling. Listen, much as we may joke about the all-powerful sorcery of our collective evil and whatnot, no one in this joint actually possesses the metaphysical ability to kill Joshua Jackson with our mind. So take a deep breath and a puff off your Xanax inhaler, and it’ll be okay. Now pick up your Hello Kitty pen and write him an emotionally moving letter on your teddy bear stationary, telling him all about how you saved his life with the strength of your eternal devotion. He’ll be thrilled, I’m sure. — Sarina

Sarina, for your impassioned defense of our inability to actually kill Joshua Jackson with our minds (a shame, really), you get two copies of Day of the Dead, which you may need to fling at unsuspecting victims on the Pajiba Murder Tour.

And speaking of which, check out the latest illustrious illustration from Skittimus Maximus, who gets a copy of Day of the Dead as well, just for this magnificent rendering:


Put a Pillow Over Your Face and Just Hold It Until Sweet Angelic Bliss Takes You Away

Eloquent Eloquence / The Top 10 Comments of the Week

Eloquent Eloquence | April 4, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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