Spiders Are as Evil as Peeps and Are Out to Kill Us All.
Eloquent Eloquence / The Top 10 Comments of the Week
Eloquent Eloquence | March 28, 2008 | Comments (100)
Nearly four years ago, we made a decision (based, at the time, on necessity — most of us had no press credentials) to eschew advanced screenings of movies set up by public relations firms, and we sort of turned a negative into a positive, building the site’s ideology around it. Since that time, we’ve had plenty of opportunities to change direction and attend those free screenings, but we decided against it because 1) we like the idea of paying for movie tickets and watching them with regular audiences because it gives us a similar perspective and we feel the monetary pinch equally; and because 2) the site’s opposition to PR and marketing influences has served us well. So, we’ve stuck with it.
However, as the site has grown, marketing professionals (most of whom are generally nice people, if not a little pushy) have inundated us with giveaway offers, contests, and other “opportunities” they offer us to provide some free exposure to their movies, television shows, and websites. In general, I tend to either ignore the emails or politely decline the offers, suggesting that we’re not really that kind of site and that our readers might be inclined to politely remove our heads from our necks if they sensed marketing influences were seeping into the copy here.
But then I thought: What if we did this in a completely transparent or even an ironic sort of way? There’s no sense in letting free stuff go to waste, right? Hell, maybe we can fuck around with the marketing folks a little, jerk their chains, and still offer up their goods without necessarily endorsing them. Maybe we can even work them into a weekly post.
And so, today is born Eloquent Eloquence, a new weekly feature in which we’ll post the top ten comments of the week, award the top commenter with one of those giveways (when available), and maybe include some of those obnoxious press materials to make the giveways possible. Feel free to mock or ridicule the products that are advertised — I certainly will, when appropriate.
Here’s a sampling of the week’s marketing opportunities:
First, this week, our top commenter will receive the new Extended Cut of “the award winning film Walk the Line.” Not a bad film to add to your DVD collections, actually, if you’re into generic music biopics with decent performances. It just hit stores this week, and it includes a full 17 minutes of extra footage and extended musical numbers, which is exactly what you’re looking for in a movie that’s original theatrical run was already 136 minutes. Here’s a clip:
And while we’re at it, The Nielson Company, through its website, Hey! Nielson (catchy, huh?) has invited us to participate in a Pop Culture Quiz - an honor I relentlessly cherish. Thanks Nielson for inviting us to participate in promoting your site! They need two or three trivia questions from us and, in exchange, they’ll promote us as a partner in their trivia challenge, sending a few new readers over here that we can mock ceaselessly. Who’s with me? Would anyone like to suggest a mind-crushingly difficult trivia question guaranteed to stump their readers? One that can’t be answered via a simple Google search? Next week, I’ll direct you to think link where the questions will be posted, and there’s some prize package valued at $1,000 involved if you win. Panty moistening, isn’t it?
Finally, does anyone know anything about FLUX? It’s a website partnered with Viacom, and they want to talk with us. I don’t know anything about it, but Viacom is owned by Sumner Redstone, right? And he’s a geriatric douchebag, so I don’t think we ought to be getting in bed with them.
Now, on to the top 10 comments, based on an objective analysis of … on however the hell I decide to rank them.
10. “Spiders are as evil as Peeps and are out to kill us all.” — Melody
9. “Coffee tastes like liquid tar and battery acid, and smells like fumigated hell. It grosses me out and kinda makes me gag. I do not enjoy it in any form, at any time. I don’t even like the “aroma” and I don’t like tiramisu or coffee flavoured ice cream, or anything else that’s been consorting with its foulness.” — Sarina
Also: “I hate almost all chocolate things.” — Sarina
8. “Oh Sarina. That makes the chocolate-dipped Jesus in a waffle cone with sprinkles cry :( “ — Julie
“Oh, the Princess Leia gold bikini…I wonder how much that fantasy has contributed to the rate of carpal tunnel syndrome in men?” — Julie
7. “Lots, I think. For me it took a while. At the time I thought it was odd how much skin Carrie was showing. I didn’t think that was strange of me, only being 8, but years later I discovered that most of my friends has been excited even then. But I was a bit (even more) prudish then. Later on I fully appreciated how good Carrie looked. But not everyone can do it and win. Jennifer Aniston’s try was a non-event. I’m more intrigued by the cadres of the amateurs at conventions. But I thinks she looks fantastic in the white dress and white boots (which was great to see big again in 97 with that ultralipgloss), along with the sorta ski bunny Hoth look. Anyway, the outfit’s always looked damn uncomfortable to me in “Jedi”, but the soft-looking exposed abdomen is thrilling.” — Jay
6. “Worthy of note: Carrie Fisher, was coked out her fucking skull during Return of the Jedi….MEANING, she must have taken many a lightsaber, from all the jedi and production crew. True story.” — BarbadoSlim
5. “Would it be too revealing to add that this movie (Secretary) sparked an interesting and welcome addition to my husband’s and my sex life? Well, uh, yeah, I LIKED this movie.” — Theresa
4. “ALL YOU LIBERAL SCUM AND YOUR POLITICAL EXPRESSIONS ARE NOTHING MORE THAN COMMOSEXUAL HOMUNISTS!! You’d be better off living in Monkey Land! They have bananas there. And poo! And poo-covered bananas! These colors don’t run!! You all hate America! My country is about 6 things: food, consumerism, Bruce Springsteen, cowboy hats, puppies, and hang-guns. I bet you all chew a big piece of commie-gum on September 11th huh? Please think inside the box.” — Pissboy
3. “Maybe this Reverend Billy was actually a double agent, working for the huge retailers in an effort to boost sagging sales. He reminds me of the nutjob minister at my old campus. Everyone called him ‘Minister Masturbator’ because he continually asked people if they masturbated, then announced that they were going to hell. That kind of thing makes a girl wish for Cthulu-themed vibrators.” — Kris
2. “Hey gang! Michael Bay here! I’ve got a dynamite idea for a snack - my sweaty scrote! Hey, hey, I’m just kidding, guys. I’m really excited about this Friday the 13th reimagining… Why does Jason always have to be some lumbering, disfigured, lug? Jared Padalecki is gonna breathe some fresh life into this role, let me tell ya. And, what’s that I smell? Is that… yes, I do believe that smells like a dance scene. Huh?! Yeah, It’s time we brought….
[…swishing sound, followed by several wet “thwacks”…]
Aaah… Ah jesus… (cough)… looks like… (cough)… somebo… OHMYGOD THAT HURTS… ninja, ninja… stars… with so MUCH BLOOD… ninja stars with “PBT08” stamped on…(cough)… ‘em… everything, going. daark… Michael…Bay, signing… off…” Michael Bay (a.k.a. Skittimus Maximus)
1. And while I have you here, how do you feel when people refer to “How Soon is Now” as “the theme from Charmed”? Posted by: PaddyDog
“I can’t speak for The Moz, but I prefer to murder them in the face.” — feramones
Congratulations, Feramones, you have won a copy of the Extended Cut of Walk the Line, courtesy of Fox Home Entertainment!
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Comments
Posted by: Fish at March 28, 2008 9:05 AM
sell outs