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The Top Ten Comments of the Week / Lainey

Eloquent Eloquence | March 19, 2009 | Comments (156)

What a week to have EE picking duties. Our fearless leaders were all together in Austin. An ordinary nutsack appeared on Pajiba to call them out and in between therapy sessions, in rode Pookie (motherfuckin’ POOKIE) to defend our honor. There was a grammar and punctuation thread that made me feel funny in my bathing suit area. Funk and Wagnalls indeed! And Jay was ON A ROLL! Seriously, 9 times out of 10 I have NO idea what he’s even talking about [neither do we! — DR], but he was killing me this week. [Dear God — Like the guy needs a bigger head. — DR] Narrowing down the list was actually harder than I had anticipated. No one insulted Drew Barrymore this week, so everyone was pretty much on equal footing.

10. It’s like being given a chocolate cake and finding out it’s just shit pie. — chenry

(That has to be Sarina’s ultimate nightmare!)

9. buc, you bring the alcohol, I’ll get the whip. — figgy

And commas. Don’t forget lots and lots of commas. We’ll roll in them, we’ll toss them like confetti, we’ll sprinkle them on our cereal, and on our glorious, naked bodies, in the morning; we’ll use them in unspeakable, and speakable, ways. For instance, we’ll splice them with glee. We’ll give each other commalingus and commatio, for hours, and then you shall ride me in the commagirl position until, at last, fully sated, we shall collapse in each other’s arms in dreamless, blissful slumber …

Unless you’re having a period. Then forget it. — bucdaddy

8. Although it is worth more on the Scrabble board, so you’ve got that going for you.

False. Both names are worth zero on the Scrabble board, since neither are acceptable Scrabble words. Boom, Scrabbled! — SaBrina

7. And, since it’s almost the anniversary, once again fuck everybody everywhere who pussied out on going to see “Grindhouse” cause it was so looooong and weeeeeird. You’re the reason we can’t have nice things. — Jay

I totally disagree with you about Grindhouse (it looked silly and boring to me so I never saw it), but I would like to tell you that, sometimes, when you hitch your crabbypants all the way up to your armpits like that, it makes me want to put my tongue in your naughty places. — Sarina

It looked silly and boring to me so I never saw it *looks over his glasses at you* You also voted for Hubert Humphrey and killed Jesus. - Jay

6. I’d have to say, you can’t beat HIV as a conversation killer. B-Slim

it’s not so bad, usually i’m all “HIV? i hope i never get THAT again!” — gp

5. The first generation spambots, they were easy to spot. All LOLs and spelling errors. Then Skynet made them look human. But that wasn’t enough. What would humans find irrestible? Chewing gum, lifesavers, tablets of ectasy and Red Bull. It was then that ‘bots became dangerously delicious. — Mrcreosote

4. Holy freaking God. A powersaw? That’s some shit directly out of one of Saw XII, I think- “I’ve hidden the keys to your leg irons somewhere in your vagina, now use this powersaw to dig it out before the rabid bear eats your face.’ Yes, there will be bears in Saw XII, even if it is direct-to-video. — Jaci

3. My God, is this what music is like for white people? I feel like there should be a telethon. “Your donation of only $5 a month can save little Madison from a lifetime of clapping on one and three.” — Tracer Bullet

2.. Not NEARLY enough people are pathologically afraid of clowns and its good that you are. Clowns who turn into weird spider monsters are just….god damn it, it just ain’t right I tell ya!!!! I love me some Tim Curry, I do. But good lord It haunts my nightmares. My bf finds it hilarious that I’m so scared of them. HILARIOUS. He wont find it hilarious when one of them eats me. He recently read an article about some…where, in Europe, about a group of men dressed as clowns dragging kids into vans, no joke.
I read a story once about a boy obsessed with clowns, who sneaks into their tent when a circus visits his town. The clowns state that clowns is born, not made, and start licking his face with rough, cat like tongues. They lick the flesh off of his face to reveal the natural clown face beneath and he joins their troupe for ever, while to the rest of the world he’s another kid who got nabbed by kiddie fiddlers at the circus. Clowns are proof the devil is real,and he hates us, very much. — Nadine

And in response to Dustin’s testosterone-heavy list of the best abs in Hollywood, I think Candie says it best:

1. You’re a weird kind of heterosexual - Candie

Candie, please send your contact information and the most adorable picture of RyRey you can find to dustin at pajiba dot com.

This was fun. Thanks for letting me play, Prisco! Go DUKE!!


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Comments

Somehow I missed that, but well-deserved numero uno Candie.

Nice job too, Lainey.

Posted by: Cindy at March 19, 2009 2:05 PM

Them was good. Real good. Nice job, Lainey, although I was sure I'd get a nod for my saber saw reenactment... I've been saving that gem since high-school.

Which really hasn't been all that long, since I'm only seventeen...

Posted by: Skitz at March 19, 2009 2:08 PM

Way To Go Lainey Bobainey! (Banana Fanna etc. etc.)
You sure know how to pick 'em.
And more importantly, branded's streak is broken. And with it, his chances of ever getting a shirt. Come join us in the corner. We're the Corner of Misfit Eloquents.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 19, 2009 2:08 PM

Nice job Lainey. That is a great list.

No one insulted Drew Barrymore this week, so everyone was pretty much on equal footing.

I plan on rectifying this in the coming weeks.

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 2:09 PM

You’re a weird kind of heterosexual

I've been called an incompetent one. I can't say it's wrong.

I thank you, Lainey.

Now now, Dustin. I can be loud and crabby but you know very well I'm a miserable fatalist!

"Big head".....pffft.....only my actual cranium, nothing else really.

Posted by: Jay at March 19, 2009 2:15 PM

And more importantly, branded's streak is broken. And with it, his chances of ever getting a shirt. Come join us in the corner. We're the Corner of Misfit Eloquents.

Can I join? I want to be the commenter equivalent of the water pistol that squirts jelly!

Posted by: Julie at March 19, 2009 2:17 PM

I am sitting here, in my little cube in the State cube farm, with tears running down my sad little face from re-reading some of these, especially bucdaddy, tracer bullet, and ESPECIALLY nadine . Jesus, that sounds like the most terrifying story, ever.

Where can I buy it?

Posted by: dammitjanet at March 19, 2009 2:17 PM

YES! I knew buc's comment would make it. That was pure, pure genius. And I'm still all hot and bothered by it. "Speakable ways". Holy commalove, indeed.

And for the love of everything sacred, PLEASE STOP POSTING PHOTOS OF SCARY ASS CLOWNS. Wasn't the "It" thread enough?!

Great list, lainey!

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 2:18 PM

And can I just add a big frak you to whomever chose that clown picture again? I'm still shuddering from its mid-week appearance.

Posted by: Cindy at March 19, 2009 2:19 PM

Damn figgy, get out of my head.

Posted by: Cindy at March 19, 2009 2:20 PM

Aaaarrgh. So. Very. Close. Ah, well. No shame in losing to superior competition. Congrats, ladies.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at March 19, 2009 2:20 PM

nadine that story is still giving me the heebiest of jeebies.

My boyfriend finds it hilarious that I'm terrified of clowns (if he had watched It as a child he would be traumatized too...bastard), as well as of really big fish and caves.

I'm still working on finding out his deepest fears and torturing him with it. That's true love.

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 2:22 PM

Didn't you win a t-shirt, Jules? You don't expect to win and then get to be a jelly-pistol, do you?. It doesn't work that way. We're lovable LOSERS.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 19, 2009 2:25 PM

Nah, Optimus, I'm a perpetual bridesmaid. I've chosen to believe that it's because wearing a WBNS t-shirt will somehow increase my evil to a level that only the Ghostbusters can withstand.

Posted by: Julie at March 19, 2009 2:28 PM

And I'd rather newbies win anyway. It makes them more likely to comment again, which gives me a chance to...play with them.

:rubs hands together maniacally delightedly:

Posted by: Julie at March 19, 2009 2:31 PM

Oh, well in that case, please join us. I'll be the cowboy riding an ostrich.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 19, 2009 2:31 PM

Neeeeewbieees *clink clink clink* Come out and Plaaa-aaayy *clink clink clink*
Neeeewbieeees Come Out and PLAAA-AAAAAY *clink clink*

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at March 19, 2009 2:35 PM

Try the old "We all float down here..." line, Rhyme!

Hey...that rhymed! ha!

I'm...a dork.

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 2:36 PM

Heeeee, nice job, Kleets!

Posted by: ted boynton at March 19, 2009 2:39 PM

No one insulted Drew Barrymore this week, so everyone was pretty much on equal footing.

You may think that I'm above selling out for winning the Comment of the Week, well I'm here to say, nay to that that.

Weeeeeeelll...
Drew Barrymore's a bitch.
She's a big fat bitch.
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.
She's a stupid bitch,
If there ever was a bitch.
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls....

Drew Barrymore is a BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOTCH....

Thank you very much.

Posted by: George at March 19, 2009 2:41 PM

Clowns...scary...never again...never again.

Posted by: Mike R. at March 19, 2009 2:41 PM

I'm starting to wonder if anyone actually likes clowns. Count me in with those who find them freaky (and not in a good way) and I've never seen It.

Posted by: tamatha at March 19, 2009 2:44 PM

Water pistol that squirts jelly-cowboy riding an ostrich-is it wrong to be thinking impure thoughts about misfit toys? That corner is looking mighty shady.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at March 19, 2009 2:46 PM

Dumbo didn't help with the fear of clowns, either. Those clowns were mean, mean bastards who were so mean to that adorable little baby elephant and such things are NOT creatures of good. Fucking clowns.

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 2:47 PM

No one insulted Drew Barrymore this week, so everyone was pretty much on equal footing.

Oh yeah? Well...ummmm...Drew Barrymore has a weird face, so THERE. And also, DLM: Life After Death was AWESOME. You can suck it! And Cameron can suck it! Then you AND Cameron can each other! Oh, wait...

And holy shit, bucdaddy, you just damn near made me pee myself.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at March 19, 2009 2:50 PM

Figs I'm all good with clowns but then you have to bring up Dumbo.

Pink elephants on their way here they come hippty-hoppity.

*shudders*

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 2:51 PM

figgy, is your fear of big fish just about big fish in general, or big fish around you in the water?

I have a horrible fear of huge, lurking things in the deep water below me, their gargantuan slimed and scaly bodies only inches below my feet.

If it's a body of water I am unfamiliar with, I won't swim if I can't see into the water below me. I won't swim at night, and definitely not if it is too murky or deep.

I have no idea where this fear came from, but it scares the bejebus out of me. The funny thing is, it's not even about something normal, like a fish or a shark or a whale. It's about something monstrous and abnormal, some horrible fell thing that should not be that lurks down there. Maybe too many eyes, too many hoary feelers searching for my legs, or a giant gnashing beak like a squid, but with rows of rotted teeth.

...

Can you believe that I had a normal childhood?

Posted by: Snath at March 19, 2009 2:52 PM

If it's a body of water I am unfamiliar with, I won't swim if I can't see into the water below me. I won't swim at night, and definitely not if it is too murky or deep.

Me too. I hate the idea of not seeing something coming right AT me and even when little fish are in the water I freak out.

And I just don't like big fish in general. Whales and sharks I'm perfectly fine with, it's the perfectly harmless big blobs of brown and gray with huge eyes that are like 4 feet long that freak me out. I can't even go to aquariums. I really don't know where it comes from, but I get creeped out just thinking about them.

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 2:56 PM

Ooh, Snath, I have the same type of fear. Whenever I go into the Atlantic at the Jersey shore, I am TERRIFIED that I will step on something like a blue claw or horseshoe crab. I'm terrified of what I can not see.

And I still have residual fear of sleeping with my feet out from beneath the covers. I have a lot of nightmares, and if I wake up from one and my feet are uncovered, I immediately put them under the blanket lest the monsters in my bedroom eat them.

Posted by: Julie at March 19, 2009 2:56 PM

Oh hi - um yeah, I think it's critical that I point out that I DID NOT PICK THAT HORRIFYING MOTHERFUCKING PICTURE! Crimeny, Dustin, I *just* stopped having the Pennywise nightmares! Guess I'll be taking 2 Ambiens tonight...


And thanks, guys. It was really tough to narrow the list down to 10. Hell, there were 10 really good ones on the grammar/punctuation thread alone.

Posted by: Lainey at March 19, 2009 2:58 PM

Daaaaaaaaaaa Dum! Daaaaaaaaaa Dum!

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 2:59 PM

PS: Jeremy, it sucked. Like a Hoover. SU-HUCKED!

Posted by: Lainey at March 19, 2009 2:59 PM

The bad thing is that I love the ocean, and I love swimming in it and I could spend my life at the beach. The things in it just make me nervous as hell.

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 3:01 PM

Snath, I used to be terrified of swimming on the deep side of my pool because I was afraid an octopus lived there -- mainly, the octopus in Popeye. It scared the ink out of me.

Ironically, I now worship an octopus as my one and only Lordtopus. If Godtopus can cure childhood phobias, he can save us all from dying alone in our misfit inferno.

Posted by: Sofía at March 19, 2009 3:02 PM

Lainey, I’m not surprised I didn’t make the top ten list. Moe Greene wasn’t even afforded a plaque for his contributions to Vegas. So as it is with me, my name will not be among the greats of Pajiba. I have accepted my lot.

Posted by: Pookie at March 19, 2009 3:03 PM

Well done, Candie! I always secretly root for the concise comments. Hope you had fun, Lainey.

Jeez Optimus, thanks for jinxing my streak. I always pegged you as the Charlie-In-The-Box. Consider me the choo-choo with square wheels on my caboose.

Posted by: branded at March 19, 2009 3:04 PM

I'm starting to wonder if anyone actually likes clowns.

Me, I'm starting to think this is an anomalously coulrophobic group. Clowns wouldn't still be performing if it were a true microcosm.

So, again, you're all wussies.

Posted by: Jay at March 19, 2009 3:06 PM

is it wrong to be thinking impure thoughts about misfit toys?

Mrcreosote, that corner is MADE of impure thoughts.

Awesome job, Lainey Bobainey! It was fun, right? These are some funny people 'round here. I didn't envy you this week, I'll tell you... that punctuation thread alone would've killed me. Wait, it *did* kill me! or leave me in stitches, at any rate.

oh, and nadine? you tell your bf for me that coulrophobia is NEVER hilarious! It is a serious condition.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at March 19, 2009 3:08 PM

P.S.S. Lainey: No, you suck!

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at March 19, 2009 3:09 PM

Pajiba people:

While I did not place this week, I am flattered to have inspired the quote that is referenced in the title of this illustrious article.

You may probe my colon.

Love-

Jake

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at March 19, 2009 3:12 PM

Anna (i still love your name) I will. You can bet I will. Damn them...

Posted by: nadine at March 19, 2009 3:18 PM

Also, the clown pic?
you guys SUCK

Posted by: Nadine at March 19, 2009 3:19 PM

Until the end of the world I will be followed by (clowns) the newspaper story about my fear of clowns. Every paper on the planet picked it up. Damn, that must've been a slow news day.

Posted by: 'Net eternity at March 19, 2009 3:23 PM

Figgy, aaaw!! That IS true love!! Im on the same mission...well no...I Know my bf's deepest fear but I cant use it on him.

His is a chronic fear of the thing that killed his dad

WOW, how sinister and dramatic does that sound!?


I mean heart attacks, not some obscure goverment agency bent on world domination.
Damn it

Posted by: nadine at March 19, 2009 3:25 PM

Dammitjanet(next time I'll read ALL the comments before I post to save reposting so much)

But Janet, who is Dammit'd,


JOHN CONOLLY YOU GLORIOUS EVIL BASTARD!!!


John Conolly wrote that clown story, it was in a short anthology he did between Charlie Bird books, here's an excerpt/description;


"In John Connolly's short story Some Children Wander By Mistake, the clowns of the Circus Caliban are revealed to be monstrous creatures that remove their makeup for a performance. They despise children, particularly the ones that still find them funny, and go out of their way to kill and eat them whenever they can do so without being caught- except of course for the unlucky few that are selected to become Clowns themselves. These are culled from children that were still unborn at the time of the Circus Caliban's last performance in a particular town, but were conscious enough at the time to kick when the Clowns appeared. Once the circus returns, the child is kidnapped and slowly transformed into a Clown. This is the sad fate of the story's protagonist, William:

His teeth fell out and were replaced by sharp, white hooks that were kept hidden behind shields of plastic; and his nails decayed to hard yellow stumps at the end of soft, pale fingers. He grew tall and strong, until at last he forgot his name, and became only "Clown", and a great clown he was. His tongue grew like a snake's, and he tasted children with it as they laughed, for clowns are hungry and sad and envious of humanity. They travel from town to town, looking for those that they can steal away, always marking the child that kicks in the womb, and always finding him upon their return.
For clowns are not made.
Clowns are born. "


There you go!!

its real!

THEY'RE EVIL

Posted by: nadine at March 19, 2009 3:31 PM

Yeah...I can see how that wouldn't be as fun.

It doesn't help that my bf is an ex-marine badass who doesn't seem to be afraid of anything. Not. Fair.

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 3:33 PM

Has he ever had a hyperventilating anxiety attack, nadine? The symptoms read similar enough, and it took the ER several hours to tell me nothing was wrong with me.

I felt better right away though!

My dad died of a heart attack at 50 but he had lived HARD, harder than I'm even capable of, so I don't worry about it too much.

Posted by: Jay at March 19, 2009 3:33 PM

Jesus Snath and figgy, I was planning on sleeping tonight. There went that idea.

I'm such a weirdo that I have contradictory phobias. Swimming in the ocean with sharks? Totally fine. I am cool and collected. Swimming in a lake or a pond? Fucking forget it. No way, no how.
Spiders in general make me lose my shit and scream like a girl (why did I move to Florida again?), but tarantulas, the big ass hairy spiders, I am totally cool with. I can even play with them.

Posted by: Blonde Savant at March 19, 2009 3:37 PM

Clowns. They're real, and they're spectacular.

Posted by: branded at March 19, 2009 3:38 PM

Yeah Figgy, especially since his mum was recently hospitalised because of heart trouble!


And Jay, not since I've known him but Yeah I can imagine him being terrified if he did.
That sounds awful on your end too, yipes, hospitals man, damn it
His dad was pushing himself to the limits too when he died (the BF, AlextheBoy[whom I have previously mentioned as being only a friend, score one for me] was nine at the time] so I tell him often that he's nothing really to worry about, its not an all pervading fear, just his only serious one.
Me though, I'm a quivering wreck. Clowns and Spiders are my main but my most irrational fear is a chronic terror that if I carry meat in any form through the area where I live, I will be mauled by a Lion.

Posted by: Nadine at March 19, 2009 3:38 PM

I have to read that clown story. HAVE TO!

Posted by: Snath at March 19, 2009 3:42 PM

I love spiders, but I hate most big bugs. Anything bigger than half an inch freaks me out [that's what shesaid!-obligatory], and of course, Honduras is full of gigantic scary bugs that could easily kill you, so that's not really an irrational fear. Have you ever seen an Assassin Bug? No? well the name alone should freak you out. I've found three in my back yard. Sprayed about a gallon of bugspray on them just to make sure they wouldn't come back.

They're called ASSASSIN BUGS. Who wouldn't be terrified?

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 3:44 PM

Snath, how does your native country feel about clowns? And do you all hold clowns in reverence like you guys do the sacred cow?

Posted by: Pookie at March 19, 2009 3:46 PM

Sorry figs, Assassin Bugs are awesome. Mmmmmmmmmmm liquified innards.

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 3:49 PM

Fuck Pookie, I just lost my shit!

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 3:50 PM

Yes Pookie. Yes we do.

figgy, have you seen the tarantula hawk? Second most-painful sting in all bugdom. They get their name from the way they go all Hostel on tarantulas.

They sting and paralyze them, drag them back to their nests, then lay their eggs. The eggs hatch, and the larva proceed to slowly devour the still living tarantula, saving all the organs for last, to preserve freshness.

I just peed my pants a little.

Posted by: Snath at March 19, 2009 3:50 PM

Snath

http://www.johnconnollybooks.com/novels_nocturnes.php


Nocturnes is the book of short stories, the clown story is within =)

All the stories are pretty creepy but the clown one did permanent damage =S

Posted by: Nadine at March 19, 2009 3:51 PM

admin, I'm sending you a batch by mail right as we speak.

I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 3:58 PM

Batch?

Posted by: Pookie at March 19, 2009 4:02 PM

DAMMIT NADINE!!!!!!!! YOU KNOW YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO MENTION CLOWN STORIES!!!!!!!!

All you pajibites think Nadine shares your fear? Well its a lie a big lie shes is an evil Clown story teller! Whenever we have an arguement she reminds me of my childhood fear of the clown who live under my bed and waits in my closet waiting to kill me because I got rid of his boyfriend-my doll of Pinnichio (who incidentaly grew 6ft overnight and tried to kidnap when I was 2-true story) She isnt scared of clowns she revels in your fear.....and mine and dont even get me started on the amount of times shes played the jaws theme tune when Iv been asleep thus ensuring I dream of clown faced sharks all night long!

Posted by: Nieve at March 19, 2009 4:02 PM

LOL!!!

Posted by: Pookie at March 19, 2009 4:02 PM

Batch of assassin bugs.

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 4:03 PM

Ahem, that being said Congratulations Noo on your number two spot, but remember number second place isnt first place and I wont allow you to et until your a winner.

I always knew the BF was a FREAK a not scared of clowns FREAK

Posted by: nieve at March 19, 2009 4:06 PM

ASSASSIN BUGS?! Gah.

I saw a see-through scorpion once at Utah rest stop, swear to god. My best friend thought me and my friend Sarah were being violated, that's how loud we were screaming.

Ah, road trips.

Posted by: Julie at March 19, 2009 4:06 PM

I'll send you a box of Asian Giant Hornets figs. Fair Trade?

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 4:06 PM

NO NO NO. No one is to ever speak of the Asian Giant Hornets. Fuck those things. Fuck those things in the ass, man.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at March 19, 2009 4:08 PM

Holy SHIT why did I have to google that?

Damn you!

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 4:09 PM

JakesAlterEgo WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! WHY MENTION THEM MAN!!!

Jesuss

What ever any of you do


DONT

google Brazilian wandering spiders
and Goliath Bird Eating spiders

Posted by: Nadine at March 19, 2009 4:12 PM

Coconut Crab. Look, if you really worry about stepping on something underwater DO NOT GOOGLE THIS!!! Otherwise, have at it.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at March 19, 2009 4:17 PM

Oh wait, pajibaply to nieve

Yeah Nieve.
Well there IS a clown under your lonely basement bedroom bed and if you're not afraid you're DEAD

Posted by: Nadine at March 19, 2009 4:18 PM

:gets to Googling:

Posted by: Julie at March 19, 2009 4:18 PM

YEEEEAAAARGGGHHH! What is that coconut crab, and why does our lord and savior let it EXIST?!

Posted by: Julie at March 19, 2009 4:20 PM

Aaaaaaaaaaw I want one as a pet!!

I'd call him Biscuit the crab and he'd ride in the basket of my bicyle and have adventures all over the world!

Posted by: Nadine at March 19, 2009 4:20 PM

I love those Nadine. It's like god took a look at those pretty, flying birds and said, "Fuck those uppity bitches. Someone needs to put them in their place."

Camel Spiders are another favorite.

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 4:21 PM

I love how Asian giant hornets are like giant beef-fucking machines. They don't even stand a chance.

And what about camel spiders?

Or Heterometrus swammerdami?

Or perhaps a dobsonfly?

Or a weta?

Posted by: Snath at March 19, 2009 4:22 PM

Okay, wow, hit send before I proofread that. That would be "bee-fucking" not "beef-fucking," though that is much more hilarious.

Posted by: Snath at March 19, 2009 4:23 PM

Noo, dont steal my lingo
Also
I Loathe you.

Posted by: Nieve at March 19, 2009 4:25 PM

I'm glad to see I'm not alone in thinking my No. 9 was BRILLIANT! Thank you all and *smooches*! I am also impressed to say that as BRILLIANT as it was, No. 9 is about where it belongs. This was a great EE week. Congrats to all, and well done, especially Lainey.

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 19, 2009 4:28 PM

I have two words for you fuckers:


Potato. Bugs.

In case my link failed:
http://arnica.csustan.edu/photos/animals/Potato_bug_3.jpg

Posted by: Blonde Savant at March 19, 2009 4:29 PM

Nieve, everyone loathes you. You're Loathed!!

Admin, you're on the crack!!!
Goliath Bird Eating Spiders are pure distilled eeeevil

Posted by: Nadine at March 19, 2009 4:34 PM

Well then, that explains it, we've got something in common.

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 4:38 PM

Blonde Savant


damn you

Posted by: Nadine at March 19, 2009 4:40 PM

mmmm, i love me some crack admin

Posted by: Nadine at March 19, 2009 4:41 PM

Bot. Flies. Removal.

You're welcome.

Posted by: Kay at March 19, 2009 4:46 PM

Nadine , don't get too worried. They are completely harmless. They're slow and rather stupid. They just look all kinds of freaky. Doesn't help that they are about three to four inches long. And they sorta scream...
They also require arid environments, so unless you live in the desert in the Sounthwestern US or in Mexico, you will probably never see one.
If you do live there, you have probably found these bastards floating in your pool, and bloated and disgusting.

Posted by: Blonde Savant at March 19, 2009 4:47 PM

Aaaah thats alright then

Posted by: Nadine at March 19, 2009 4:48 PM

Oooooh Kay, I've seen some of those video's, they're awesomely grotesque.

Thanks for clearing that up Snath, for a second, I thought you were from around here.

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 4:52 PM

Screw worms.

Guinea worms.

Posted by: Snath at March 19, 2009 4:56 PM

Weeeeeeelll...
Drew Barrymore's a bitch.
She's a big fat bitch.
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.
She's a stupid bitch,
If there ever was a bitch.
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls....

Put on some clogs and blonde braids and do it in Swedish. NOW!

Posted by: Jaci at March 19, 2009 4:58 PM

And you were saying Minnesotans were hicks and had no culture? At least I stay away from fucking beef!

I much prefer chicken, it's a lot better for you.

Less of a chance you'll get a hoove to the beans when your partner gets uppity. There's always the chance of an errant peck or claw snare, but, just like black tar heroin, the benefits outweight the negatives.

Chicken poon, the original white meat.

Posted by: Snath at March 19, 2009 5:00 PM

Oh, and can I apologize now for the abominable stoned-typing that occured during the bear comment? I forget to proofread after three vicodinadins.

Posted by: Jaci at March 19, 2009 5:01 PM

I didn't say no culture Snath, I said less culture and more hicky. Sweet, sweet bovine love isn't redneck, it's for its own good. That rump roast taint gonna tenderize itself.

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 5:04 PM

Oh you asshole motherfuckers. You have to turn a thread that already had a fucking CLOWN picture into a thread about fucking BUGS. I stopped even reading the fucking comments from then on, because I was terrified someone might mention the one bug that gives me nightmares if I even see the name.

Thanks for spoiling my #8, bitches. (Thanks Lainey, though!)

Posted by: SaBrina at March 19, 2009 5:08 PM

You're all horrible.

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 5:22 PM

woohoo! my slut past scored me #6!
newbie represents!
however, the clowns will chase me away.


and eat me when i fall down.
helplessly.

Posted by: gp at March 19, 2009 6:05 PM

That's almost Clown Haiku:

The clown is no good

His makeup is all over

No wait just blood-ew!

Posted by: MrCresosote at March 19, 2009 6:23 PM

Oh come ON.

You people.

First you're all friggin scared o' Bozo. And then you use that non-verb-search-engine to look up bugs you're not familiar with? Bugs with grotesque-sounding names?

That's just dumb.

What am I gonna do with you?

Posted by: Jay at March 19, 2009 6:25 PM

Spankins?

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 6:36 PM

By the way Jay (if that is your real name) I didn't need a search engine. I'm eduma....ecdu....emuda....smart!

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 6:37 PM

Okay, I'll excuse you from the scowling.

Now when's that shunning gonna kick in?

Posted by: Jay at March 19, 2009 6:39 PM

Yes, yes! you must give us all a good spanking!

And after the spanking..

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 7:16 PM

Yeah, see Dingo? You'd all like that too much.

Posted by: Jay at March 19, 2009 7:25 PM

Oh, y'all. You're so tragically misguided. None of you so much as mentioned the only crawly critter that gives me the heebie jeebies. I would seriously prefer to make out with the unholy offspring of a goliath spider and a camel spider and then provoke it into eating my goddamn face off, rather than even be in the same room with a common house centipede. They have those clicky jaws and those bandy legs, and the scuttling... oh God, the scuttling. I don't trust anything with more than eight limbs on principle (this includes squid), and those centipede bastards have altogether too many legs. They are clearly not of this earth, and must all be destroyed.

And I don't want to hear any of that shit about how centipedes eat other insects and are therefore desirable in the home. That's why spiders were invented, and they have limbs numbering in the acceptable range. Centipedes can fuck right off.

Posted by: Sarina at March 19, 2009 7:45 PM

Yes, yes! you must give us all a good spanking!

And after the spanking..

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 7:16 PM
---
... the upside-down giant hollow comma/right-side-up giant hollow comma, right? It looks like this:

69

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 19, 2009 8:00 PM

Yay for Lainey's EE!

My God, is this what music is like for white people? I feel like there should be a telethon. “Your donation of only $5 a month can save little Madison from a lifetime of clapping on one and three.”

Ha! I totally missed Tracer's comment but that shit was hilarious. You crackers crack me up. Hey, is that where that term comes from?

Posted by: jM at March 19, 2009 8:14 PM

Posted by: Jay at March 19, 2009 8:20 PM

Yes, yes! you must give us all a good spanking!

And after the spanking..

...the oral sex.

Come the fuck on people!

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 8:24 PM

THANK you.

buc your idea intrigues me. Let's work those commas OUT.

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 8:26 PM

Come the fuck on people!

You got a diagram or something? What's doin what to what there?

Posted by: Jay at March 19, 2009 8:26 PM

What? I called you "Dingo".

Posted by: Jay at March 19, 2009 8:28 PM

I am not Dingo. I am Dingo's identical sister, Zoot.

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 8:33 PM

Use your imagination Jay. That's why it is the way it is. I like leaving things to individual interpretation.

Sarina, the Giant Centipede is a magnificent creature. It eats insects, rodents and small, annoying dogs. It is our freind.

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 8:33 PM

I beg your pardon, ma'am, but you're not.

Posted by: Jay at March 19, 2009 8:35 PM

Hmm, so Jay, would you be Lancelot or Galahad in this ?

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 8:36 PM

Linguists now believe the original root to be the Gaelic craic, still used in Ireland (anglicized in spelling to crack) for "entertaining conversation."

See, you guys are my favorite crackers!

Posted by: jM at March 19, 2009 8:36 PM

I rather think you've got a conversation between different parts of my mind there! The peril would be more a fear of guilt than fear of temptation though.

And, again, I just can't really do the group thing. The physical and emotional logistics, oy!

Posted by: Jay at March 19, 2009 8:42 PM

Hey, we can call ourselves crackers and have it mean "raconteur", but it just sounds denigrating coming from you.

Posted by: Jay at March 19, 2009 8:45 PM

I'm partial to honkey.

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 8:46 PM

I said "hi honkey" when introduced to an old friend of the family when I was little. I thought I was being hip and ironically funny. My mom was apparently embarrassed.

Posted by: Jay at March 19, 2009 8:48 PM

Heehee. Sir Jayahad the Chaste. No peril for you, then.

But yeah, the group thing sounds...scary. And gross.

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 9:04 PM

buc your idea intrigues me. Let's work those commas OUT.

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 8:26 PM
---
I'm workin' 'em, my sweet figgy pudding, I'm workin' 'em HARD.

Meanwhile, here's a song for you:

, , , , , chameleoooooon ... You come and gooooo ...

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 19, 2009 9:19 PM

Sarina, I feel you on the house centipede. I was renting my cousin's basement in South Minneapolis and didn't even know they existed until one ran out on my floor right underneath me. I think I shit myself. I literally killed one with s sword, once.

Posted by: Snath at March 19, 2009 9:22 PM

HAAAAAAAA!

*falls over from the awesomeness*

Posted by: figgy at March 19, 2009 9:29 PM

"Sarina, the Giant Centipede is a magnificent creature. It eats insects, rodents and small, annoying dogs. It is our freind."

Posted by: admin at March 19, 2009 8:33 PM

The Giant Centipede? Have you taken complete leave of your senses? That bastard ain't no friend of mine -- that's like my worst goddamn nightmare. If this or this were happening to my arm, I'd cut it right the hell off. I'd amputate it at the shoulder with a pocket knife if I had to. I'd rather get locked in a coffin full of maggots or be eaten by a bear than even be in the same general vicinity as that fucking thing.

Posted by: Sarina at March 19, 2009 11:50 PM

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

look at me, I made the fucking fucking list.


All it took was HIV.


FUUUUUUUUUCK. YOU.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 20, 2009 12:40 AM

All this talk of centipedes reminds me of that one time I was chased by a big fucking millipede in Sunday School. Yes, it fucking chased me all the way across the church basement.

It could smell my fear, I think.

Posted by: Jaci at March 20, 2009 2:16 AM

You see Jaci, I was trying to be nice. I was going to bring up millipedes in response to Sarina's questioning of my mental state, but, I decided against it. Now, the temptation is to great.

http://media.photobucket.com/image/giant%20millipede/hawthornrats/other%20pets/insects/millipede.jpg?o=3


Posted by: admin at March 20, 2009 2:41 AM

Millipedes don't freak me out. I find their flagrantly excessive quantity of legs mildly offensive and therefore distrust them on principle, but as the legs aren't bandy, I can deal. Also, there are no clicky jaws, and there is no motherfucking scuttling. They just kinda... wiggle, I guess, or maybe slither in an undulating sort of wave. They're like overgrown, unfuzzy caterpillars. Who the shit is afraid of a caterpillar?

Posted by: Sarina at March 20, 2009 2:58 AM

I must break you. I double, fucking-dog dare you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CL2hetqpfg

Posted by: admin at March 20, 2009 3:54 AM

That ain't right, man. Not the part about the mouse-eating; that's sad 'n shit for the mouse or whatever, but that doesn't really bother me (although I did not particularly enjoy the up close and personal view of the clicky jaws moving). What really bothers me? Is that it is a video, and therefore shows the motherfucking scuttling of those goddamn bandy legs.

You have forced my hand, sir. Please to enjoy:

Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Posted by: Sarina at March 20, 2009 4:31 AM

Um. We talk about bugs and what happens?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/03/19/worlds-deadliest-spider-f_n_177213.html

God is after us, and he is starting with Oklahomans.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at March 20, 2009 6:44 AM

OK, that was pretty nasty, but it was a medical proceedure, so I'm relatively unaffected.

I saw a show on TLC where a lady had a parasite living in her skull. The thing of it was, it would stick it's head out of a hole in her skull every so often, so the doctor had to try and grab it to carefully pull it out. Like whack-a-mole but with forceps.

When it was beneath the skin, you could see bubbles coming out of the hole, at times.

Posted by: admin at March 20, 2009 7:28 AM

GAH! Huffington Post had one of those Brazillian Wandering Spiders on the front page. (Apparently one of them was found in a Whole Foods store in Tulsa.) Why, Ariana, why? I thought we were friends? Couldn't you have put up a puppy instead of a gigantic assed spider?

(On the plus side, I think we found our final monster for the remake of It. Someone get that spider's agent on the phone...and keep it the hell away from me.)

Posted by: Mike R. at March 20, 2009 9:03 AM

Holy fuck that giant centipede eating that mouse is one of the scariest things I have ever seen. Jesus.

Posted by: Snath at March 20, 2009 9:03 AM

I didn't want to have to do this. You might as well take your laptops into the bathroom in case you soil yourself from fear:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/chmurka/2464310297/

Posted by: branded at March 20, 2009 9:47 AM

the whole foods spider is now thought to be of the harmless-to-humans kind.

read: not all bugs are out to get you.

i cannot speak for all the clowns though. i'll just go through life as if they ARE out to get me.

Posted by: gp at March 20, 2009 9:47 AM

I was really hoping not to have to do this. Take your laptops to the bathroom now. I don't want to be responsible for anyone soiling themselves from fear.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chmurka/2464310297/

(My previous comment never showed, so this may double post)

Posted by: branded at March 20, 2009 9:54 AM

Hurmphlech!

branded, you sadistic bastard!

Posted by: admin at March 20, 2009 10:02 AM

Oh god, the horror, the horror! It's wearing a hat, like it thinks it's a little person!

My eyes are bleeding!

Posted by: Snath at March 20, 2009 10:28 AM

Perhaps I shouldn't reveal this in the current atmosphere of buggin'-out hysteria, I might find my house surrounded by exterminators with nuclear MurderSpray, but: In an alternate reality I am known as ... bugdaddy.

True story.

Posted by: bucdaddy at March 20, 2009 10:37 AM

Tofu my ass. That's a little chunk of human flesh.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at March 20, 2009 10:51 AM

a common house centipede

Thanks Sarina; I now hate you. (Hmm, but knowing your evil nature, I'm sure this was done deliberately.)

The house that the Main Squeeze and I bought and moved into last spring has these fuckers. They are huge! And I hate them. It takes a hammer (or a table leg) to kill 'em.

I'm with you on the fact that spiders are there to kill other bugs. As long as they aren't too big, or too close to me, I can totally deal with spiders.

Fuckin' house centipedes.

Posted by: tamatha at March 20, 2009 11:07 AM

I hate how fast they are. Once they see you coming, all eight zillion of their long spider-like legs get going and they practically fly across the floor/wall/etc.

Jebus, gives me the willies!

Posted by: Snath at March 20, 2009 12:00 PM

Tamatha, I once had a 2-bedroom, 2-bath flat in Uptown with a terrace and the rent was only $785, and I didn't renew my lease for the sole reason that there were house centipedes all the hell over that building and I couldn't fucking handle it.

I realise that location/price probably doesn't mean anything to you, but my fellow Minnesotans can verify that I was fucking insane to move out of that place with that rent. But... centipedes! Everywhere! Ugh. Sometimes there would be, like, three in the same room. A friend and I were once in the elevator and it stopped and a bunch of them came scuttling out of the ceiling tiles and I swear to God I think I had a stroke. Just a small one, but still. I could have died! Evil is supposed to live forever, goddammit!

Posted by: Sarina at March 20, 2009 12:15 PM

Fine, but how does the Rebbie Jackson song make you feel?

Posted by: Jay at March 20, 2009 12:17 PM

Seriously, centipedes are the only bugs that move toward you when you're trying to end their miserable disgusting lives. WHAT does that? Nothing that isn't evil, that's what.

Posted by: Lainey at March 20, 2009 12:22 PM

Oh hell no, Sarina, I would have moved too. Damn.

Posted by: Snath at March 20, 2009 12:31 PM

"Fine, but how does the Rebbie Jackson song make you feel?"

I had never heard of her or that song before this moment, but The Google has shown me that she is sick and wrong and is therefore now dead to me. Who sings a song about a motherfucking centipede? That ain't right. DEAD TO ME.

Posted by: Sarina at March 20, 2009 12:48 PM

Oh come now, I know you're not that young!

Posted by: Jay at March 20, 2009 12:59 PM

What the hell do you want from me, Jay? I was six goddamn years old for about 90% of 1984. I was not listening to stuff like a song about centipedes by the older sister of a Jackson.

I'm not kidding, I had never heard of her before today. I can't even name all the Jackson 5, though. I know there's Michael and Tito and Jermaine, and in theory there should be two others to make a total of five. However, unless the other two are Janet and LaToya then I've never heard of their asses, either.

Posted by: Sarina at March 20, 2009 2:15 PM

Man I feel like a baby. I was two in 1982!

Posted by: Snath at March 20, 2009 2:21 PM

Err, that would be 1984. Cuz, like, I was born in '82. Right.

Posted by: Snath at March 20, 2009 2:21 PM

Nice work, Lainey!

bucdaddy, that was some hot, hot heat.

Oh...and Jay, please oh please tell me you've got plenty of big areas! My vision of a hot contrarian librarian...and that library smell...ooo-eee.

Posted by: replica at March 20, 2009 3:53 PM

Big....areas?

Posted by: Jay at March 20, 2009 4:06 PM

Replica, how dare you accuse Jay of having big areolas? I demand an apology from you Replica.

Posted by: Pookie at March 20, 2009 8:34 PM

Sarina, I'm delurking to completely agree with you about the house centipedes. 2 dorms at my school have them -- one has so many that people just refer to the centipedes as "[Dorm'sname]-bugs." I lived in a dorm with them last year, and after seeing one scuttling around my wall, sat petrified and frozen in my chair, reading terrible facts about them online, before finally coming to my senses and fleeing to my suitemate's room. My new fun thing is to tell these fun facts to people: Did you know that the reason they can glide like that is that they can LOCK THEIR BODIES? and they can detach limbs at will? Oh, and there are so many more...

One of my suitemates was lying in bed and turned to see one on the wall RIGHT next to her head. She's pretty unshakeable, though, and immediately grabbed a shoe and smashed it. I've heard of people keeping them as pets at my school, though that might just be legend...

Posted by: Chappy at March 21, 2009 10:57 PM