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I Salute You Sick Sick, Gay, Crazy, Pill-Poppin Sex-Crazed Literary Mavens

By Anna von Beaverplatz | Eloquent Eloquence | March 12, 2009 | Comments ()

By Anna von Beaverplatz | Eloquent Eloquence | March 12, 2009 |


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Well, we sure got some fancy changes here at Pajiba this week. What with the new comment features, such as preview ("it's like being stalked by a typist"-[apologies to whoever said this- I can't remember who you are!]) and the easy-on-the-eyes new alternate-comment shading, it feels all brand-spanking-new, while retaining the qualities you love about Pajiba (e.g. Pookie, BSlim).

So, there were approximately 1,000,000 comments this week (didn't you people hear me when I asked you to take it easy on me?), and somehow, I think there might have been more on Dustin's Dr. Manhattan's Junk review than on the actual Watchmen movie review. Just what in holy hell is wrong with you people?! I mean, really, since when has one wang so thoroughly flummoxed this site? I mean, it's just Billy Crudup's giant... blue... schween... oh. Right.

Well, then, here you are: this week's super-awesome Top 10. If anyone has any complaints, you can take 'em up with the management. I'll be in my bunk.

10. Pookie, I do enjoy how verbose your protestations can be. Let me help for those who skim your posts:

I comment on Pajiba. It's dirty. Cultures change, get more sexy. Fucking is fun at home or in a van. Mr. Murphy is a filthy stranger. Mr. Rowles is a perverted enabler. Women are people too. Suck it Rowles. - Julie

(I'd just like y'all to know, I did *not* choose this because of Dustin's editorial comment, but because I snorted when I read it. That's the mark, people... make the EE judge snort, and you're in like Flint.)

9. My hackles are already raised because someone has the chutzpah to insult the Cheers theme, and then you go and bring Law and Order into this? I think your mom sounds like a cheap bedroom recording. I think your dog is ugly, too. - JakesAlterEgo

8. This is the best news I've received since I got the results of my STD test! Now I get to be reminded daily of Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing, and that typing game where Mario is being chased by a shark, and you can never get away because no matter how fast you type THE SHARK SWIMS JUST AS FAST, and that one time in typing class when I peed my pants and my teacher pretended to spill her Sprite on me. I probably shouldn't have admitted that. I blame my "new format smell" high. - Sabrina

7. Yeah it's not doing anything for me either. It's like Star Trek Muppet Babies or something. - Carrie

6. As I said to my brother after seeing this. "I haven't seen that much blue peen since the snuff film I saw where Cookie Monster and Grover tag teamed Janice from the Electric Teeth Band behind Mr. Hooper's Place." - Rubble44

5. Is there something wrong with me that I only read this because it said "clitoris" in the title? - legib

Welcome to the fold. - branded

(See what branded did there?)

4. Than vs Then: 'Than' never applies to one thing. It's a comparative preposition. One thing has to be more or less 'than' another, and it goes between them to balance the comparison.

'Watchmen features more blue cocks than Iron Man.'
'Malin Ackerman is worse than cancer in this movie.'

'Then' means 'at that time' (adverb) or 'in that case' (modifier).

'If Warners had stumped up for a score instead of those fucking awful song choices, then Watchmen would have been better.'
'If the director's cut doesn't completely lack any sense of tragedy or loss in the last act then I will be happier.'

"If it's happening and someone shows me, than that's one thing" is like saying 'If the sex scene was five minutes shorter, than Snyder could have added some plot structure', which obviously doesn't work. And, in any case, was probably too much to ask for.
In conclusion:'If Rorschach hits that dummy one more time with the meat cleaver, then I might give up on this movie entirely. But it's still better than I expected.' - Zuffle

(This was just such an eloquent item I couldn't *not* put it on the list. And really, isn't that what it's all about? I mean, with the eloquence and such? *sigh* I guess I won't be guesting on this column again, what with the choosing ridiculously long comments and all... Sorry, DR!)

3. That show will continue to suck until they kill off Dushku or they imprint her with the ability to act. - jM

2. Holy crap, it remembered my personal info. That's so sweet of you, Pajiba comment box. Maybe this is the liquor talking, but you're looking kinda pretty tonight. Are you kidding? That's my favorite song! - Lucas

(Part 2)

I got shot down. - Lucas


1. Taken has become the highest grossing movie ever for a film you saw because there was nothing else decent to see.

It's like you were standing in line behind my sister and me, as we stared listlessly at the showtimes.

Me: Which one is Fired Up?
Sis: Ugh. Macy and I saw it already. Sassy boy cheerleaders trying to pork bitchy girl cheerleaders. It sucked. Paul Blart?
Me: Fuck you. I can NOT believe Pink Panther 2 is a real movie.
Sis: I KNOW. It's like in movies sometimes, when they show a fake preview for a really bad, really embarrassing movie that the audience is supposed to laugh at, because it's too retarded to be real, but only by a little bit.
Me: Well put.
Sis: What about Confessions of a Shopaholic? That redheaded chick is cute in "The Office".
Me: I...What? Let's just smoke some pot and watch "Celebrity Apprentice" on mom's high-def.
Sis: Again?
Me: Wait--Taken! That's got Liam Neeson; it can't be THAT bad.
Sis: Are you already high?
END SCENE

And that's the story of why I spent my pot money on Taken. It's a cautionary tale. - Clee Shay

_______

And there you have it. Clee, please send your Taken ticket stub, the rest of your pot money, and your sister to dustin at pajiba dot com.

What?! He needs a babysitter. Pervs. Beav out... smell ya later!



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