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March 5, 2009 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | March 5, 2009 |

Sweet juggling Jesus, people. No wonder our fearless Prisco nearly died over the holidays - you bastards have been trying to kill him with the sheer force of commenting since he kicked off this little Thursday joyride. At the end of a week I am unbowed, but in need of a nap, a drink, three or four Vicodin, and a stellar massage therapist. I’d like to give a tip of the hat/squeeze of the breast to Julie for plunging into the morass of the Star Wars thread ahead of me, plundering Nazi-style and keeping my eyeballs from melting right out of my head.

Let’s get to it: The ten comments that made me laugh so hard I almost choked to death on my Halls lozenges. No frills, no fuss.

10. Baby Bullet has already expressed her desire to watch this movie and to be Wonder Woman for Halloween. Normally, I wouldn’t consider a 4-year-old wanting to wear hot pants and a bustier a positive thing, but if it keeps her away from those Bratz kindersluts and teaches her to punch boys, I’ll be satisfied. - Tracer Bullet

(My goddaughter got a Bratz doll for her birthday two years ago. I stole it when she wasn’t looking and chucked it in the bin. Those dolls are whores.)

9. So, does this mean the spambots have broken into Pajiba headquarters and are running amuck? I’ll bet that bastard Murdertank let them in. It was always a sucker for some scantily written code and a nice drill bit or two. - MrCreosote

8. Oh, who doesn’t love a good print with some tie-dye and some noble animals and the moon. No apologies, no explanations. It just states plainly “Here I am, world, with my airbrushed cetacean and the Milky Way spiraling overhead (and probably my bong).” - twig

7. Either it was Prisco, or his eye was bitten out during filming of the future smash-hit sequel set on an Ark during a catastrophic flood: Snakes In The Rain (Only S’posed to be Two, Motherfuckers!). - Sean

6. That thing is a Lolcat waiting to happen. “Nosfercatu can haz ur soul.” …Yes, yes, ban me from the site. Intellect fail. - Geetch

(Nosfercatu? That’s brilliant.)

5. “Description of theatergoer: Teenage girl. A little chubby.”

That’s not fair, Dustin. If someone were sitting outside a Ryan Reynolds movie, they might describe you the same way, and the latter would not be a reference to your weight. - branded

4. Damn, those are some of the most beautiful, well-groomed poor people I’ve ever seen in that trailer for Explicit Ills. Rosario Dawson looks like she stepped out of a shampoo commercial to demand her kid’s asthma medicine.

I guess that’s why you don’t see a lot of movies sympathetic to the poor people in Appalachia. ‘Cause nobody would be fooled by actors with full sets of teeth and clean hair playing hillbillies living up in the holler. - AlabamaPink

3. Cadbury McFlurries? I want to see a Peeps Blizzard. But then again, I would be the type of person that gets a kick about having a decapitated Peep head in my ice cream. It would only be better if those little chocolate eyes of theirs were melted in such a way to make it look like it was crying. - Quorren

(Peeps are an abomination. I gag a little every time I drive past the Just Born factory on State Road. Philadelphia - the birthplace of freedom and disgusting marshmallow “treats!”)

2. Dear Mr. Slim,

I’ve run your requests by the administration at Homosexual Headquarters, and I’m sorry, but you cannot have the words “bear,” “assless,” or “chaps” back, but you can take back “Vaseline,” and “nipple clamp,” as neither really do much to provide our community with pleasure or humor any longer.

Insofar as the word “poon” is used, we feel that it is innocuous enough, funny enough, relevant enough, and just un-feminine enough, and doggoneit, our people like it. Therefore, it is now ours. We are also holding a closed-door meeting later this month to decide on whether or not the heterosexual community will be allowed to keep the words and/or phrases “knocked up,” “fist,” and “titty fuck.” We think that they are clever and may suit our needs for the fiscal year 2010.

We appreciate your requests and suggestions and welcome you to keep the lines of communication open in the future; however, please keep in mind that since we are already going to Hell and refuse to conform to any known societal norms, we will likely not take your opinion into consideration, as we just can’t be bothered to care.


The Pink Hulk
Ambassador, HH - The Pink Hulk

1. Is it wrong that I hope the Kolbaby grows up to look like Paul Rudd and get lots of tail? I mean, shouldn’t a mother want the best for her child? - Kolby

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Nicole

Eloquent Eloquence | March 5, 2009 |

Pajiba Love 03/05/09 | I've Loved You So Long Review

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