February 26, 2009 | Comments ()

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | February 26, 2009 |


The Oscars are over. I can’t believe that the Slumdog Backlash involves touting how Milk got robbed. Don’t like Slumdog, well, that’s fine. I’m accustomed to the chromosome deficiency around here. But honestly? Yeah, I’m really sorry that gays can’t marry in California, but that’s not going to elevate this film beyond the same cliched goddamn biopic that gets an award every goddamn year. The only difference is that Sean Penn didn’t sing. Unfortunately, Beyonce did. You people really are commie-loving homo sons of bitches. And I miss musical theatre.

There really isn’t much out there these days, cinema-wise. We’re scraping the bottom of the barrel to bring you reviews. I’m journeying to Pasadena this week to find something worthy of Pajiba. I didn’t. But I have to earn my paycheck somehow.

I’m gonna stop expressing how glorious PajiBacon is going to be in just a mere two weeks. Because I know many of you aren’t going. And that’s really a sad thing. Particularly since this explosion of the arts happens over St. Patrick’s Day. I fairly expect to lose two or three Pajibblets over the course of the day. Probably TK. Or Dan. He’s from Texas, so I expect him to disappear into the landscape like some sort of alcohol-fueled Predator.

Genny (also Rusty) has been declared the winner of the Miss Lonelyhearts Stomps a Child 5K for the Cannonball Read! It was no small feat, pounding through over 2000 pages in 2 weeks. She will get to declare our requirements for the next 5K, which will probably be the first two weeks in April. Congrats, missy, you truly earned it.

Because there’s nothing I like more than shirking responsibility, I’m giving up the EEs much more often in the next few weeks. As often as possible. Doing this tonight damn near gave me a Baz Luhrman-dance sequence in my brain tonight. So, I’m passing the torch to the lovely Nicole next week. Your promises of sexual favors will not sway her like they did poor Optimus.

Ashes to foreheads, let’s get to the comments:

10. Ben Stiller is not funny. He’s the 21st-century Jerry Lewis. — Eel O’Brien

(I wish Portman had paid attention to her assassin training. She could have knifed up Joaquinannabe right in front of us.)

9. Shut UP, you guys. Cheerleaders take so much shit from people who think they’re all vacuuous, big-boobied assholes with eating disorders. Cheerleading is hard work, and that hard work should be recognized. Football games take place in the fall, and it’s very cold then. But do cheerleaders let that stop them? Hell fucking no!! They pull themselves up by the sportsbra straps and act like professionals! And every once in a while, when a studio sees fit to honor them in film, ugly, jealous bitches like yourselves shit all over it.

Jerks. — Clee Shay

(Spirit fingers. Spirit middle fingers.)

8. With a title like FIRED UP, I was really hoping these two young stallions had flaming jiz that exploded the cheerleaders into great balls of fire. I know it’s been done before, but what hasn’t? — BWeaves

(I think what makes this double funny, is that BWeaves is usually a bastion of classiness. And she pulls out the blue humor.)

7. I’m officially announcing a schism and the formation of Pajiwhedon.com, where the smarter, more refined ex-readers of Pajiba.com can freely congregate away from the simpler masses.

Tomorrow’s first post: “Why People Who Don’t Give Shows More Than Two Episodes to Prove Themselves Should Be Shot In the Face” and, of course, “Oscar Fashions.” — The Pink Hulk

(By all means, please declare your Whehad. You space cowboys sail away on a starship for the skies. Take all your proselytizing and philosophizing and go straight to the Hellmouth. Me and Carlson’ll stay down here and drink on an island, discuss the finer qualities of “Lost,” and watch cable.)

6. I’m going to test out “monogomatic hidey-hole” as a term of endearment with my wife, and see how it flies. That term makes up for you being such a cheer-tator around here all the time, Dustin. — branded

5. Meh.
I actually thought it said “Medea goes to the Mall”. The idea of the ancient Greek heroine hanging out at the food court with her kids, waiting for Jason (who is off playing for the Toronto Argonauts or something), was way more amusing to me than this movie sounds.

And now, I am totally craving an Orange Julius and a Pizza Dog at the local Mall. — Odnon

(I wrote a short film setting Titus Andronicus during a backyard barbecue with a mostly black cast. But I thought I was being too racist, implying that a black woman would carve up the children of her philandering husband and serve them as baby back ribs. Then Tyler Perry came along and made me realize I just need to change every other “fuck” to the word “God” or “Jesus” and I can do whatever I want!)

4. I’m going to test out “monogomatic hidey-hole” as a term of endearment with my wife, and see how it flies. — branded

Publisher’s Note: Prisco? Has your brain turned to mush, or did you find that funny enough to include twice? Wake up, Big Man. You still have three to go.

3. Unfortunately, due to the difficult economic times, you will have no maple syrup for your pancakes. The Government of Canada has close the border to the trade of said syrup as it will be the only thing left for Canadians to eat for the rest of the year.

I hope you enjoy your pancakes as, tommorrow, cogress is debating a bill that will see the pancake replaced with the inferior, but more economically prudent, flapjack.
May God have mercy on us all. — admin

2. “Hi Snuggie? It’s LQ. Yeah, you’re a backwards robe. Kthxbye.” Fucking Snuggie, would you just go the way of so many of the useless As Seen on TV products that preceded you? Hair in a spray can anyone? Jeesh.

So… where was I? Oh yeah, the coolest bong. I was at a party at my slightly younger cousin’s house in high school. He and his friends had made a bong out of a 12 inch talking Hulk Hogan doll. You would light the bowl, take a hit, and Hulk would say things like “Stay in school little Hulkamaniacs and take your vitamins.” Needless to say, it was the best thing EVER. — Lizardqueen


(I have never smoked pot, and even I would want to hit that. And our number one…)

1. And hey, I have a sneaking suspicion that not all the Slumdog kids went back to their parents. Someone needed to check under Angelina’s dress. I bet she took at least two. — figgy

——
As a film site with gossip tendencies, we are contractually obligated to mention Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie at least once a week. Thanks for filling our quota, figgster. And as much as I liked seeing them win, I just hope to Vishnu they move on and never assemble together in one place again en masse.

figgy, please send to us the whereabouts of the lost children, a collage of Aniston fighting Jolie with In Touch magazine cutouts, and your approximate size and dimensions, as well as an address where we can send your T-shirt. Pack it up in a goody bag and send it to dustin at pajiba dot com.

I’m out of here for the next several weeks. I’m picking the EE replacement team from the Pajiba Facebook group. So if you aren’t a part of that, you won’t be chosen. Sucks to your assmar.

Godspeed, you Nicole emperor. You’ll need it.

JossWhedon.gif

Titanic Ass-Sluts of Nazi Germany?


The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | February 26, 2009 | Comments ()




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