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February 19, 2009 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | February 19, 2009 |

It was late at night when Prisco sent me a most auspicious message through the Facebook chat. Would I want to do Eloquent Eloquence for the week? “I’m sure I could fit it into my schedule of billiards in the lounge and fine liqueurs in the study,” said I, nonchalant and debonair for fear that my fan-girl enthusiasm would turn tangible and seep through the Interwebs like Viggo the Carpathian’s ooze. Twas was agreed upon and it wasn’t until after squealing into my pillow for 5 minutes and calling my BFF’s on my hamburger phone (as I am insufferably teen-aged, you know) that I realized all the pressure.

But who cares, I’m still young, when I’m martyred by the likes of Pookie and Slim I still have time to find another Movie Review site. VD happened. ‘Nuff Said. But more importantly, Stipe42 brought us all a little farther from God and The Staff helped me find just the right movie for when I’m helping that poor girl get over her boyfriend. (When it comes to rebounds, I’m like Rodman in his prime.) And I used to think President’s Day was just another holiday I wouldn’t get class off on until I discovered the glory of Brad Neely’s odes to Washington and JFK (through Jay, naturally). So in honor of our Commander in Chief, straighten up soldier — TEN HUT!

10. I’d rather just watch Sofi play and sing “Mah Boobs” again. — Nicole

(Had to sneak one in. I need to keep that firey Latin temper in check)

9. Hope Floats? Shit Floats. — Odnon

(Does anything else need to be said of Sandra Bullock’s career?)

8. “Knock Knock.” “Who’s there?” Russell Crowe. Wow. You have really let yourself go, man. — firedmyass

7. (From the Pride and Prejudice and Zombies Thread): Barn Burning In Hell; The Old Man and the Sea of Zombies; Great Expectations of the Undead. — Morgagod

6. I’m adopting this as my new pickup line: “If you turn me off, I’ll kill you.” — MissNev

5. I’ve never seen Cold Case. But this sounds too much like the chick from Fringe. You mean there are two chicks on TV like this??? — ed newman

Yes, there are. And if I had a million dollars? Those two chicks on TV at the same time, man. — branded

4. kind of wily and good at hiding. I want that engraved on my tombstone. Although there are many possible manners of death that might make it a lie. — Wednesday

3. “At a dinner party that will forever be green in the memory of those who attended it, somebody was complaining not just about the epic badness of the novels of Robert Ludlum but also about the badness of their titles. (You know the sort of pretentiousness: The Bourne Supremacy, The Aquitaine Progression, The Ludlum Impersonation, and so forth.) Then it happily occurred to another guest to wonder aloud what a Shakespeare play might be called if named in the Ludlum manner. At which point Salman Rushdie perked up and started to sniff the air like a retriever. “O.K. then, Salman, what would Hamlet’s title be if submitted to the Ludlum treatment?” “The Elsinore Vacillation,” he replied—and I find I must stress this—in no more time than I have given you. Think it was a fluke? Macbeth? “The Dunsinane Reforestation.” To persist and to come up with The Rialto Sanction and The Kerchief Implication was the work of not too many more moments.” Great, no? — Neon

(No, BRILLIANT. And that whole thread was full of win. But I’m giving it to Rushdie)

2. Here’s my question: Since Mel Gibson is rocking a Van Dyke beard, does he believe that his beard was created that way? Or did it have a choice? If it prays really hard, will it become a Soul Patch? — JakesAlterEgo

(Seems like it was a week for long posts. I had to cut a few just because I was afraid I’d take up too much space. But here’s one that just had to make it in. Love at first site. )

1….And then when I turned my head again, I realized he had eaten half of my chocolate bar!

What?! Who spawned you, and WHY? That chocolate bar was the only damned piece of fucking food I had for the whole fucking day. Half a second of less than hyper-vigilance on my part, and ‘HOOVER and a WHUT?!’ People: Never do anything work-related on a weekend. Certainly never go to a library. People can find you, make you feel very uncomfortable, and eat your Caramilk whilst you blink! How can you play me like that? You KNOW I have no money, and you’re the fattest person I know, you Heaving Sweat-Mounting-Gristle-Fuck! Go find an apple, I know you can afford it, moneybags! Then chase it up and down the C.N. Tower a few times. You need to EARN this! Man, I don’t have a beef with Valentine’s Day. True, I’ve never had one myself in the romantic sense, but uh…you know, why should anyone give a shit? Seriously? I gotta listen to chicks bitch and gloat about whatever genitalia is on their minds all the damn time. Today, it’s just in pink. It’s one day out of the year that’s not specifically catered towards me, boo-hoo. If I had a decent personality I’d have a boyfriend, and if I cared more about obataing one, I’d do something about it that encompassed more than me acting like a jilted scorpion half the time. Hey, I’m self-aware, friends! But damn it, you dump me, and periodically eat my pittance meals? FIE! How can this transgression stand? I know YOU’RE not in love, mackie, and you’re trying to be nice with the awkward conservation. Fine. as Molly Ringwald would say, that’s ‘totally human of you.’

But you do not take a girl’s candy from her on this most consumer-friendly of high holidays! Dear God, are you NEW!? THAT is an affront to the LORD! You are awakening a sleeping giant, and the hurt that I’m gonna put on you will be indescribable. I’m gonna lay the hammer down. By Grabthar Hammer’s I, the Unrequited will be revenged on his caramel-stealing paunch! If I can just get some meals, a sleeping pill perscription, the money to obtain these things, and a window in my schedule. I’ve already got the coordinates locked in, and a set of blueprints.

More likely, I’ll just say ‘Dude, you ate my meal, I want it back with interest.’ And, he’ll comp me, because I’m obviously getting thinner.

Dag, 4 am already? I have to find a married couple to talk to. God knows they can bore me into an early grave. Maybe I can just tell them to cut off the juice when my eyes roll back into my head. Around minute 12 of the wedding tape? Or, tell me about your erstwhile labour pains…that’s totally some of my business.

Um… O-LYM-PI-A!!!!!! — Jo ‘Mama’ Besser


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