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February 12, 2009 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | February 12, 2009 |

Here comes Valentine’s Day, a holiday that can even turn Charlie Brown violent. I never buy flowers for my significant other, because honestly, why would you spend so much money on something that’s going to turn to brown crusty garbage in a few scant days? I reckon the same can be said of candy, but I’ve yet to find a confection that was unwelcome. I used to spend the holiday hunting pretty people with a crossbow, or gathering with my fantastic single friends and drinking copious amounts to our awesomeness. This year, me and the missus are going to watch wild animals frolic and fornicate in the Wild Animal Park down in San Diego, and then celebrate our love by going to a seafood restaurant where they serve crab and shrimp in a bucket. Nothing says “I Love You” like smashing a crustacean with a mallet.

I loathe how this time of year serves as a reminder to people of their failure to breed and copulate. I had just as much fun single as I did coupled up. Plus, seriously, if you’re only professing your undying love on birthday, anniversary and V-Day, you’re doing it wrong, fool.

I’m passing the torch to Optimus Rhyme for next week. I chose democratically. Eenie-Meenie-Meinie-Mo’s the twenty-ninth amendment, right? I majored in cubicle farming, so I don’t know from constitutional monarchies.

Only a month until PajiBacon! I’m so excited, I’m going to TEN!

10. So the movie is just as insipid and uncreative as the books I sold to hundreds upon hundreds of Oprah-loving I-eat-my-feelings singletons that came into Borders hoping that this fluffy drivel was as the answer to their low self-esteem.

He’s just not that into you. You reek of desperation and have entirely too many cats. Get the fuck over it and deal like the rest of humanity does, heavy drinking and fucking strangers. — Leigh Hacksaw

(There are many of us who wore the proud stripes of the bookseller army. I’m still thinking of going back. I suck wang at being a waiter.)

9. People dissing names like “Philadelphia SC” miss the point; giving the team a generic, nonbrandish sort of name is the most democratic thing you can do, because it lets the fans nickname the team. Arsenal becomes the Gunners, Chelsea the Blues, Manchester United the Annoying Rich Bastards Who Buy Their Way To Championships, et cetera.

Of course, in the case of Philadelphia the locals might just call the team the Fuck Yous. I dunno how that would go over. Although presumably when New Jersey gets a club, they could nickname their team the No Fuck Yous. — mightygodking

(The Philly teams are: Phillies, 76ers, Eagles, and Flyers. Outside of the bird, I defy you to tell me what the fuck any of those things are. Why do you think our most famous mascot looks like the end result of a Sesame Street orgy?)

8. In Adelaide, there’s a tidalwave of koalas begging for water, and looking stupidly cute when they get it (my favourite picture is of a koala found on the side of the freeway. Little bastard looks like some kind of happy, drenched yokel. Tongue waving around like a flag, face all screwed up, stoned out of his furry mind).
One state over, what did we get after four fucking days of 40C? Dead possums. Dead possums with burnt feet, which is just about the most depressing thing in the world. Well, excluding anything involving a reality tv star. 
There’s no justice. I want some living wildlife fuckdammit. And admin, koalas are only vicious because sobriety makes them angry. This is why I like them. — ScienceGeek

(That koala punch commercial was the best Superbowl commercial this year. Goddamn, I want to punch a koala. And this Valentine’s Day, I might have my chance!)

7. [After hearing of Val Kilmer’s governorship]: He kills pretend lions and makes pretend rock music and was a pretend genius, with lasers and everything.

Of course he’s qualified to be a governor. — Smokin

6. So, I’m a little late to this comment party, but I had to share this. My best friend informed me earlier that she was on her way to see this movie. I stated my case for why she should not waste her money, or at least waste it in a less soul-sucking way. Her response? “But I loved the book. It was a real girl-powery book.” Yes, my fucktard of a best friend thinks that book is what passes for girl power. If you’ll excuse me, I have to drive four hours to Tennessee to punch her in the face. — puregonzo

Just to update (as if anyone cares): my friend informed me that the movie was “great”. Then, she got home and locked her keys in her car. So, the universe apparently punched her in the face for me and saved me a trip. — puregonzo

5. Wouldn’t you hate to be the 144,001st Jehovah’s Witness?

“Yeah! I joined up! Wooo!”

“Um…sorry Steve. Heaven’s full. Enjoy the Hoover Dam.” — JakesAlterEgo

4. I am becoming more and more convinced that Steve Martin may, in fact, need to eat with a cork on his fork. — admin

3. Drew is not retarded. She is awesome and sparkly and full of kittens and light and cotton candy. She was motherfucking Gertie, OK?

And she has nice cans. — Lainey

So does the homeless guy at my office who picks through the garbage for aluminium to recycle. And he can’t act for crap either. — stipe42

2. My vagina used to be depressed, but then I put her on zoloft, and now she’s happy as a clam. — Marra

(And our number one….)

1. Jumper Push is actually supposed to be metaphorical, alright?!?! Samuel L. Jackson Djimon Hounsou is a badass. You leave Hayden Christensen’s Chris Evans’ acting alone. He’s doing the best he can with his teleporting telekinesis powers. It’s just a bad movie produced by Fox Fox. Give them a break! — Ryan

(Shoot, swish.)


Ryan, for your simple riff and html wizardry, you win yourself a t-shirt. Send us a copy of the original script for Jumper with the word Darth in front of every occurance of Hayden’s character’s name, a jar of Djimonaisse, and a bucket of happy clams. Also, your address. To dustin at pajiba dot com.

Well, enjoy Optimus Rhyme’s reign of terror. I’m going to be reading diligently for the next couple weeks. Until next time, chilluns.

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

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