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February 5, 2009 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | February 5, 2009 |

I’m going to be on television again, for those of you so inclined to check it out. Following on the rave reviews for my mute taxi dispatch guy, I’m going network on NBC’s “Life.” The episode will be on next Wednesday at 9 PM EST. Another mute background part, another two scenes. In this one, I’m dressed up in what looks like KISS makeup, part of a horde of rockstar wannabes in a dentist’s office. True story: They released us to Universal Citywalk for dinner, a group of 14 actors in full makeup and glam rock gear and expect us NOT to get our pictures taken. Security tried to kick us out because they have a rule against people in costume being in the park. As we sat there, trying to eat popcorn chicken (because it’s one of the few foods you can fit in your face without smearing full face paint), there was a security guard shadowing us. But later in the episode, I have a scene where I go to Charlie Crews’ house. Hint: I’m the short fat one. So watch it! I’ll be taping it, because I’m going to be watching “Lost.”

Speaking of which. I’d like to offer a big hale and hearty “fuck you to the knuckle” to all the fantastic people who keep posting “Lost” spoilers on Facebook and Twitter. You wonder why Hollywood has no original ideas? Because you time zone boners keep having them three hours ahead, and then posting “OMG! Jin!” We’re going to end up sinking into the ocean in 2012, so can we at least enjoy the last two fucking seasons of “Lost”? I hope the smoke monster throws up pieces of Aarst on you.

The Miss Lonelyhearts Stomps a Child 5K has been declared for February 14th. Two weeks to read 5 books. The only rule? The books must be longer than 400 pages. It’s a distance race, kiddos. This is not just for Cannonball Readers. ANYONE can participate, even if you don’t have a blog. You need to type up a write up on your five books and post it to the Cannonball Read Facebook group (which is public) or to my blog on the 5K Page. The Winner gets to pick the terms for the next 5K (and will have at least one of his or her reviews published on Pajiba). I’m totally not doing this to force myself to break 50 before the end of February. Wouldn’t dream of it.

I’d like to offer warm thoughts and whatever passes for prayers around here to our lady AlabamaPink, who’s going off to seek treatment in Houston this week. You’re always on our mind.

And now, the often outrageous, mostly contemplative, totally juvenile Top Comments of the Week, for your beatification:

10.You know what I love? TACOS!

(that’s gonna have to meet my quota for today. Swamped) — Skitz

Aw, Skitz, someday tacos will love you back. — foursweatervests

(In response to the news that Slap Shot is being remade…)

9. I knew Dick Cheney wouldn’t leave office without leaving some horrible final fuck to the sensibility of the world. — PaddyDog

8. Can we please stop with the whole “I need a man in my life so I have someone to bake pie for and validate my existence” shtick already? Seriously, what do you think Vodka is for, people?

In all seriousness, Puckers McRomcom can suck it. — Jeremy Feist

(Vodka is for Stacey, Jeremy. Vodka is for Stacey.)

(No it’s not, wine is for Stacey. Get it right Prisco. — SN)

7. Give Robert a chance, guys. “Mixedfriend.c o m” is actually where I met my first three wives; it could happen for you, too. — Caspar

(Somehow, this is even funnier if this was from my esteemed colleague Mr. Salmon. I met all four of my wives where I find all my wimmens, the rejection bin of

6. TWIG: “Forgive me, my lit class is reading Lolita this week.”

Spoonerism of the week, I read that “Forgive me, my clit lass is reading Lolita this week.” — BWeaves

I doubt my clit lass would be $480 a credit hour.

Oh wait, that’s a typo. $840 a credit hour.

What the hell was I thinking?!?!?!?! — twig

(Here’s a funny story. My brother — whose birthday is this Friday — is an elementary school teacher. His entire Masters Degree cost him as much as one class of my two years of film school. Also, he gets a salary increase for having advanced degree credits. Me? I get a mortgage payment worth of student loans every month, a peptic ulcer, and the glory of explaining to all potential employers why I’m not actively using my advanced degree. Hahahah! Pour me a scotch.)

5. I propose that we all individually send the following e-mail to PETA:

Dear Peta,
I am sick of your misogynist ways.
Every time you pull another ad campaign that features a scantily-clad-to-naked human female, I pledge to eat a cow.
That’s right—a whole cow.
 Every time you demean a human female, a cow will die at my hands.
Sincerely, [your alias here]
P.S. I will also pinch a puppy until it cries. — Jerce

(I temporarily gave up red meat for health purposes, so in solidarity, I burned down a salad bar. Also, I ran into a Whole Foods and punted a bag of tofu.)

4. hey
i live in minneapolis (minnesota) and i’ll have you know that we’ve had the dark knight for at least two weeks now. — Kid

3. Seriously, as an actress, Renee Zellwegger couldn’t be more one-note if she was a fucking test of the Emergency Broadcasting System. — The Pink Hulk

2. Most professions are like this if you ask the real doctors, lawyers, cops, ad executives, etc. The exception is IT. It’s generally boring on TV, but believe me, computer programming in real life is all about leather, drugs, gun fights, fast cars, faster women and accidentally awakening angry artificial intelligences defeated only by their own arrogance and our enormous cocks.

Ooh, it’s almost noon. That matrix isn’t going to hack itself. — stipe42

(And our sacredelicious number one…)

1. Jesus is [a] Hypocrite… I mean he rose from the dead, and there are a curious number of people devoted to him who seem to be missing their brains. — Carrie


All of the top three actually made me laugh out loud this week, so I wish I could give everyone T-shirts. But it doesn’t fucking work that way. So to Carrie, I award you the coveted and accursed prize. Please send to us an arm of Vishnu, a leg of Lamb, and the head of Alfredo Garcia. Also your address and applicable shirt size. All this should be sent to dustin at pajiba dot com. Do this in the name of me.

Until next week, my luscious ones, please for the name of God, do not take out your frustrated lives on whatever column happens to be up for the weekend. That’s why there’s the Facebook group. See you all at PajiBacon!


The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | February 5, 2009 |

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