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January 29, 2009 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | January 29, 2009 |

It’s ironic to me that Awards Season always heralds the shittiest batch of shit ever to shit a poop. People give us grief for not doing enough reviews, and then give us more for doing reviews of movies that are bad. But seriously? Look at February. April is no longer the cruelest month. Coraline aside, there’s not a whole lot going on. Not just the second Pink Panther installment, or the Friday the 13th remake, but Great Googly Moogly, it’s the Jonas Brothers 3D experience.

Dan’s “Lost” recaps have brought our own glorious Stephanie out of the woodwork. I picture her with glasses, feverishly booping her TiVo back and forth like the Zapruder film, milking every shadow and product label for potential ramifications to the show. I imagine her with yarn connecting headshots of all the principal, secondary, and even tertiary characters as she sips from a white and black stenciled Dharma box of Franzia, her glasses reflecting the dim-screen of her monitor as she types her detailed riffs on the show. It’s like the return of swallows to San Juan Capistrano.

The Cannonball Read’s gotten interesting. I’ve got several folks nigh on my heels as I plod into the forties. We’ve cut the entry for this go-around, because keeping track of 50 peoples’ reading habits has worn me right the fuck out. However, I’m considering a 5K for February. What’s a 5K? Very simple. We all start at the same time for two weeks, and try to read 5 books. Usually with some sort of theme, like, all fantasy, or all over 400 pages, or all the authors have to have names that end in N. Whatever. The winner gets to declare the rule for the next one. I’m thinking of a February 15th start date and calling it “Miss Lonelyhearts Stomps A Child 5K.” The fun part is, everyone who participates gets a prize of some sort, you don’t have to be part of the actual Cannonball Read to participate, and anyone can join! So for those of you who felt going for the full 100 would be impossible, you can join in on our little windsprint. We need more Rusty Trombones, First Chair.

If anyone needs me, I’m probably going to be in jail, having fired a flaming crossbow bolt into the chest of the asshole drumming and chanting on my balcony. I hope my lawyer gets my sentence reduced to TEN!

10. “…my own Australian Shepherd thought I was crying and frantically came over to comfort me.”

I didn’t know Shep was Australian. I thought he was from Quakertown, PA. — The Land Snark

(Ahaha. That’s only funny to about twelve people. The twelve who know that Shepard is the name of Stacey’s boyfriend. And one of my best friends in the world. Who will be at PajiBacon!)

9. Sex and The City II: How Dinosaurs Fuck. — figgy

(There were a bunch of hilarious Sex and the City 2 titles, but that one wins. If only for the poster. Personally, I would have went with Sex and the City 2: The Search for Curly’s.)

8. Wow, Dakota Fanning is going to retaliate for being raped in a movie by raping the audience with a terrible movie. When will it end? — George

(Dakota Fanning shops at my Target. She was with another little girl, looking at toys and giggling. Good for her. I stared at her for ten minutes trying to figure out if it really was Dakota Fanning before I realized that I was standing in the middle of Target gaping at a middle school girl while holding pajama pants. I have become everything my guidance counselor foretold.)

7. Oh FUCK no, tallulahc, ain’t nobody talkin’ no shit about Beckinsale when I’m around. I know where you live, dickass. Your name reminds me of a town near where I live. It’s called Tuba City. That’s how crazy I am. — the_wakeful

6. There are only two types of women in my life, the ones I’ve fucked, and the ones I’m trying to fuck.

I know I shouldn’t, I know this encourages the disintegration of quality of conversation, but I just can’t resist, my fingers are typing it all on their own …

So which category does your mom fall into? — stipe42

My goodness, stipe. That was crass.

Incest is NOT FUNNY!! — L.O.V.E.

L.O.V.E.: not generally, but if it’s a family of clowns … — stipe42

This just in:

L.O.V.E. IS POOKIE’S MOM — Kayanne

Um, only if Pookie’s mom has a massive erection right now. — L.O.V.E.

And you said incest wasn’t funny. — Kayanne

5. The problem with PETA is that they are freaky dinky extremist and have damaged their basic cause far more than they’ve helped it. I’m all for animal rights, because you should generally respect anything. Don’t cram the animals into some horror show out of Dante’s Inferno, don’t pump them so full of antibiotics that the air turns green around them, don’t skin them alive for their fur.

I think that most progressive movements for the last century have all been based on the simple implications of “dude, don’t be a douche.” Blacks shouldn’t be able to vote. Dude, don’t be a douche. Women shouldn’t be able to vote. Dude, don’t be a douche. Gays shouldn’t be able to marry. Dude, don’t be a douche. Torturing animals makes steaks ten cents cheaper. Dude, don’t be a douche.

PETA wraps right around the other edge though with shit like “meat is murder”. You know what PETA? Don’t be a douche. — stipe42

(Sometimes these Pajiba T-shirts write themselves.)

4. Welcome Randal Stevens!

I’m a little curious though… Of all the movie reviews and comment diversions on this site that you’ve been reading since day one, why choose to make Paul Blart your coming out party? Isn’t that like losing your virginity in a Burger King bathroom (Do the Humpty Dance!)? Sure it gets the job done and you get to christen linoleum, but couldn’t you have at borrowed the keys to your brother’s Taurus to make the 10 minutes extra special?

Also, since you’re new to the game, please take my gentle ribbing with a grain of salt. It’s always nice to have fresh faces! — Kayanne

(Fact: Shepard Ritzen and I do a mean-ass karaoke rendition of Bust a Move that mashes up Ice Ice Baby and ends with the first stanza to The Humpty Dance.)

… and props to Randall Stevens for having a good sense of humor. — DR

3. Sometimes, in my rage of lust

while you are bleeding in bed

i feel the urge, perhaps i must

punch you in the back of the head

you cry, scream, but i’m not done

a good girl impale’d lies

patiently, and does not shun

the semen that soon flies
the beauty of the donkey’s punch

the way that you tighten

the way that you bunch

and please, do not frighten
bitch, shut the fuck up
and take it in the butt.

— Bucko

(Sometimes these Pajiba T-Shirts just write themselves.)

— And so much for my attempts to keep the Donkey Punch thread clean and civil. — DR

2. “summerize”

I just shoveled two inches of snow off my driveway. I wish it would fuckin’ summerize, already. — bucdaddy

(Yeah. It got to 47 in Los Angeles and started hailing. I had to actually put on a hoodie! But then it got back up to the 70s, so everything turned out alright.)

1. As someone who cuts shitty videos for a living…

I pledge never to take 4 minutes to say something that could be said in 30 seconds. I pledge to edit out redundancy and not meander so far from the point that it is lost. I pledge to use more Bateman and less Moore, Kutcher, Diaz, and Kiedis. And finally, if you know Paris Hilton or are related to Jessica Simpson I pledge that you will never be in a “celebrity” video, regardless of what my producer wants. — Matt

Declarations of grandeur tend to always win my number one. We got one in the trenches, folks. Matt may very well save us all.

Matt, for your proclamation, I award you one T-shirt. You must in return create the greatest YouTube film ever — featuring the Dramatic Australian Shepherd, cut together my reel, and promise always to wear your Pajiba wear in the editing suite. Send your vitals to dustin at pajiba dot com.

Now I must go and ice down my back from my WiiFit injuries. That Super Hula Hoop is no fucking joke people. Until next week, keep on commenting and I will sit in frothy walrus judgment.

The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

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