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January 22, 2009 |

By Brian Prisco | Eloquent Eloquence | January 22, 2009 |

Obama’s taken office.

“Lost” has started Season Five, and Dan’s gonna start up his recaps next week.

The Kolbaby (pictured) is adorable.

Tens and tens of our fans get offended because they have to wait two hours to read our mad scribblings.

And for the first time since moving out to California, and in nearly three or four years, I am under two hundred pounds.

Count your blessings. These ten will do.

10. I love gory horror films.
 I hate rom-coms.
 I find Renee McScrunchyface super annoying.
 I enjoy action films where things explode and despise pointlessly weepy formulaic tug-at-your-heartstrings drivel. All this time I thought I was a girl (checks pants)!??! — peachfish

9. Personally, I think if Prisco had hair, he’d be a huge joaquin phoenix fan. just saying. — Todd

(This only made the cut because it had Lady Clevername laughing her damn head off. Me? I was too busy grooving to Joaquin and combing my luscious man locks. In my mind.)

8. You’re like the asshole who looks at my Fast Food burger and tells me that I’m the reason this whole fucking country is obese. What the hell man? If I want to munch on some junk every now and again and then drag my backside to the gym to make up for it, then so be it. But don’t blame me for the obese five-year-old on Maury. — Kayanne

7. I was driving down the highway on my way back to my university, and I had just finished eating a banana. I didn’t have a designated bag for trash handy in the car, and I wasn’t in the mood to pull over to dispose of the peel.

I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw a car a few hundred yards behind me. In one of my more inspired moments, I wondered what it would be like to play Mario Kart in real life. I hesitated, but ultimately I could not resist. I rolled down my window and tossed the peel up into the air. It landed in the lane directly behind me, and the car drove over it.

I was disappointed to find that the car did not spin out. — Darth Corleone

(I had the same idea. However, the person who eventually ran me off the road did not appreciate having a turtle shell hurled through their windshield. Neither did the turtle. Guess my princess is in another castle.)

6. The Don Cheadle Film about a Hotel for Life Forms in Eminent Danger of Death trifecta is now in play. — stipe42

5. Do you think those guys spend the night before taping in front of a mirror practicing the dance they’re gonna do if Maury announces they aren’t the father? ‘Cause I would. I mean, if I was a guy and in their situation. — s. pisaster

(Weird. I keep knocking up slutty trailer trash in order to get a free hotel and vacation from Maury Povich. I gotta get a better travel agent. Travelocity Gnome….IS NOT THE FATHER!)

4. Victim: Holy fuck a zombie!

Zombie: Uuhhhhhhhh.

Victim Oh my god, oh my god, don’t eat me! Oh the irony, eaten by a zombie while watching a Kathrine Heigl movie and eating Milk Duds.

Zombie: Uhhhhhhhh.


Victim: What the fuck, what did you just poke me with.

Zombie: Uhhhh.

Victim: Is….is that a blood sugar tester.

Zombie: Uhhhh huuuuuhh.

Victim: Well…what does it say?

Zombie Uhhhhh uhhhhh.

*Zombie shuffles off*

Milk Duds: Saving humanity from diabetic zombie hordes one dud at a time. — admin

3. also, when i was a nine, i hated wearing dresses. really, really, hated it. one day my parents forced me to wear one to a wedding. i stormed up to my room, took a thick, dark marker and wrote, “i fucking hate you” multiple times, all over the dress. then i strode down the stairs like joan collins, toward my impatient family.

that was the last time my parents told me what to wear. — celery

(There were a ton of horrible sins committed in the name of the Worst Things List. But this one had me laughing out loud for like five sold minutes. I think I peed a little.)

2. My bad. — Hitler’s Mom

(But our number one. Oh, our number one.)

1. I no longer wish for a real life unicorn. I no longer dream of brushing its mane and feeding it sugar cubes before riding into the sunset as its iridescent horn glowed rainbows even in the faintest light. Now I know the shocking truth: unicorns are filthy whores with over sized genitalia. There’s now a hole in my life not even a unicorn could fill. — Robert

Unicorgy. Delightful.

Robert, for your win, please send us your headshot and c.v., a list of ten places you wouldn’t want a unicorn horn, a package of Dharma Initiative cereal, and your address and approximate measurements for your very own T-shirt. Do this in the name of dustin at pajiba dot com.

Until next week, if I haven’t broken my own neck trying to do…uh, yoga…or out of rage at the Oscar nominations today … I look forward to pretending to skim your comments and randomly assigning praise.


The Top 10 Comments of the Week / Brian Prisco

Eloquent Eloquence | January 22, 2009 |

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