Sparkling Douchebag.jpg

Have You Ever Been Sparkly?

By Henry Britt | Eloquent Eloquence | January 7, 2010 | Comments ()

By Henry Britt | Eloquent Eloquence | January 7, 2010 |


Sparkling Douchebag.jpg

Sweet Jesopus! Having been a commenter on this site for five years and a contributor for the past year, I've had the privilege of being witness and party to some of the funniest bits of Internetry out there. We're some funny, deranged people, no doubt about it.

When Dustin asked me to take on EE for this week, as our resident Figster is still enjoying the afterglow of her nuptial bliss (that sounded less dirty in my head), I thought, "Eh, this should be a piece of cake...there'll be more than enough brilliance to pick from".

And that, my lunatic friends, is the problem. I realize now why EE is probably one of the hardest jobs to take on here in Pajibaland. You people never. Freaking. Quit. My initial list, culled from comments made just after Christmas (which I included, as Figster did a 'Best Of...', thus leaving the comments from the last week of the year open for my use) up until today, included well over 30 entries. Narrowing it down has been hell, mostly because every time I went through the list, I just about pissed myself. But, it's done, and for good or ill here are your top ten comments of the week.

I just know I missed something.

---

First, a spot of favoritism...because I can.

10.5 - Jesus, I was totally in the middle of the best nap when my faggy-sense started tingling. How else would I know someone on Pajiba was talking about watersports? It's both a gift and a curse. -- gp

And now, on with the show!

10. OK, I've sat by while the header pictures chosen for each post get more and more extreme (Human Centipede ass-to-mouth, Bloody snowmen, The Thing With The Thing coming out of it's head, various other grotesque and/or sexually suggestive images) and I've said nothing up to now, but the Water for Elephants picture above is a pretty blatant visual metaphor for vagina.

Some of us read this site at work ya know. Some of us have kids at home. Let's try to keep it clean.

[Later]

Look, all I'm saying is that I know a thing or two about symbolism and sexual imagery in the American novel so don't you think you can lecture me, missy. That picture is clearly a representation of a vagina, and furthermore of a vagina being entered. Add to that the title, "Water for Elephants", which was obviously chosen to evoke the phallic trunk (elephant = wang, it's basic Freud).

Frankly I find the whole thing obscene. I haven't read this book and I wouldn't want to. A female author should not be debasing herself in such a manner. It's bad enough the they have to endanger their purity sharing a shelf with the James Joyces and Henry Millers out there. To sink to that level is another sign of our civilization in wanton decline.

Let's stick with books on biblical femininity and leave the smut to the Paris Review. --Yossarian

[After the seriousness that was the comment thread for the Becoming a Woman Who Pleases God review, this was exactly the pick-me-up I needed. Plus, many thought it was serious...added bonus.]

9. Spender, you goddamned sonofabitch. Don't you go validating Owen "That EW Bastard" Gleiberman around here. Next thing you know, Michael Bay will be able to pee standing up, Rainbow Killer won't reek of unfiltered Camels and soul-crippling insecurity, and Dustin won't sleep naked in an old Ab Chair Deluxe he bought on Ebay from "RR4Realz" who claimed his new "big-tittied wife" loved his "blasted-to-shit abs" attained by a 45 minute per day workout "only rocking the jockstrap." -Kballs

[The mental picture here was too good to pass up. Besides, you know DR would totally buy that.]

8. Just know a great celeb site ___Tallconnect CO M___ where you can me et many big beautiful wo man and hand some guys. --garyll

[Later]

Are you too tall to walk through doorways without ducking? Did you have sex doggy-style once and accidentally kill your small lover by puncturing straight through her uterus into her lungs? You need Tallconnect.com!

Here, you don't have to be afraid of meeting someone "normal" sized. You can meet plenty of interesting women with a wide array of interests and hobbies -- like Karen, who loves to crochet and plays professional women's basketball -- or Josephine, who loves long walks on the beach, mountain climbing, and plays professional women's basketball! The variety will BOGGLE YOUR OVERSIZED MIND!

Tallconnect.com. It's enough for a man twice your size! Hahahahaha! --superasente

7. "My Shocking Story: My Giant Head"

Nice to see Tila Tequila's still getting work. --Jeremy Feist

[I almost didn't use this, in light of the *ahem* tragic death of Tila Tequila's girlfriend. But since it got funnier when I thought about it in that context, I figured what the hell.

Yes, I am a terrible person.]

6. A group of interwebs savvy intellectuals on a website made for mockery tear down loglines of movies that hypothetically may or may not be made. Our protagonist, (BarbadoSlim) is an extra snarky, eternally jaded contributor, along with a suicidal malcontent (Skitz), a sexpot type (Julie), and a Hollywood has been (Tony Danza). Watch the shit hit the net in the new feature film from Fox Searchlight, "Please Kill Me". Coming Spring of 2011.

[Later]

Keep it up, Rowles, you're one logline away from sticking it in my ass. --John Denver's Wingman

[It was that last line that really did it for me...that, and Tony Danza.]

5. Why is it I always get Todd Mcfarlane and Seth Mcfarlane mixed up? --Chad

Because they are both giant douchebags. --Snath

Oh yeah, Snath... I thought that was why. -- Chad

[It's funny because it's true.]

4. Ok, I give up...who's the chick in the header? Is that Lindsay Lohan? Paris Hilton? Amanda Bynes before the makeup? --Doctor Controversy

I think it's Fergie.

Or Janice from Electric Mayhem. --Brie

[Oh, Brie...don't you know they're the same person?]

3. If you get your perky tits out in the presence of a chimp, expect a little suckn'. Same goes for Russell Brand. Except I don't think he would 1) Stop with just the tits. 2) have the good graces to look as embarrassed as the chimp did. -- Lindsey with an 'E'

[For the record, I think Russell Brand may be some sort of ape.]

2. So what you're saying (correct me if I'm wrong) is that this film is perfect for a first date? A first date followed by a silent drive from the theater to a nearly-deserted Applebees, where the two of you will cram congealed mozzarella sticks into your gaping maws and stare blankly across the table at one another before heading out to your car for an awkward bout of groping and unsatisfying, hateful coitus with bitter tears as lubrication?

Dynamite... --Skitz

[Purely a selfish pick. Your grasp of the unusual amuses me to no end, Skitz.]

... and our Number One...

1. Mr. Rowles, I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with your list. While I can appreciate that you don't posses the necessary intelligence to grasp the deeper social commentary behind such excellent works as Paul Blart, New Moon and especially Year One, I find it extremely distasteful that you and your staff ceaselessly deride these masterpieces and continue to single them out by placing them on 'worst of' lists. We are supposed to live in a country where films of all genres can be treated with equality and respect without fear of reprisal for representing their particular viewpoints or morals. Indeed, this is a country wherein even the stinkiest of turds may reach that loftiest of goals that all films have: winning that golden dildo thing at that ceremony where all the pretty people suck on each others asses.

Far be it from you, sir, to opine about the shortcomings of a film about the trials and tribulations of growing up a sparkly vampire. Have you ever been sparkly, Mr. Rowles? Well I have and let me educate you on something; we face challenges that would make lesser men weep. Have you any idea what it's like to fight off legions of horny unicorns that just want to 'do your hair' every single day. I think not. Can you portend to understand the horror of being mounted at any time and having a large equine phallus shoved in your face? Do you know how much money his sparkly highness has to spend on shampoo to get all that unicorny love butter out? For shame, sir. For shame. I expect this type of cold, heartless, repulsive anti-filmism from other sites; but I never thought I'd find it here. --Sparkletits

-------

Congratulations, Sparkletits, for your vociferous defense of shitty movies, and all those sparkly douchebags out there! Your prize?

Tit glitter ... for those days when you just don't feel sparkly enough.


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