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Chill Out, People

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | November 16, 2010 | Comments ()


sexy firefighter.jpg

BUTTHOLE!

Oh, alright, I'll stop it. If only because Mrs Julien is probably giving me a death glare right about now and it will probably burn a hole in me. To be honest I kinda overloaded on buttholes (aah! I said it again!) and now the word's just become meaningless and just makes a weird sound. Good thing we only do this once a year.

So, that happened. And it was a welcome break, I think. People were getting all riled up over NOTHING, and I realize that it's the winter and we all want our damn turkey already, but some of you just need to chill the fuck out. I understand that we all have our things we get angry about, but here's a newsbreak: You are on the internet. The place is full of people who have nothing better to do than to try and piss off other people. If you've been on the internet for more than, oh, 5 minutes, you should know that by now. And you should just learn to stop trying to convince other people of, well, anything. And yeees, I do realize I'm trying to do the same here, which might just make this an exercise in futility. All I want you to do is this: think of poor, poor, miserable Figgy, who wants to read all your comments but wants to throw her computer out the window after yet the 100th comment of someone saying something like 'HOW DARE YOU INSULT SO AND SO IT IS LIKE YOU INSULTED MY MOTHER' and then 100 other people responding to that person telling them to shut up and then 100 replies from that person saying YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER and then AAAAAAAAH!STOPIT. That last part was me. What the hell was I trying to get at? RACE WAAAAAAAAAAAR ... of dumbness.

So, yeah. Take a deep breath. Remember you are on the internet. Hell, remember you're on Pajiba. We dedicated a day to a word that makes 5 year olds giggle. Just chill the hell out. And read this, by the lovely Jeremy Feist, because it's hilarious. Do it, or I'll Human Centipede to you-know-who so fast it'll make...well, feel really bad, icky things.

But, anyway. I'll shut up now. Enjoy your list and try to keep your butthole (sorry!) from twisting. Just a friendly request from your neighborhood Comment Queen.

10. Wait ... I missed "Kendra!" while I was watching "Sherlock"? Who programs such high culture at the same ti ... Moriarty is behind this, I just know it. Bastard! Now I'll be awake all night. --,

[,'s obsession with Kendra amuses me to no end. It makes me think that she's happy because somewhere, someone is watching her show. To help with insomnia, yes, but I bet she's grateful!]

9. Holy YUK Batman, who would fuck this guy? Leatherface McLadyhair --Lindsey with an 'e'

[That's from this post. I mean, just LOOK at that guy. Brr.]

[This next one's from that awesome post where Tracer Bullet met Nigella Lawson and had a fanboy moment for the ages.]

8. Oh, I played it cool; I am ever like the snowman's nose.

You are a carrot? Be careful...she might chop you up to cook with. Which is not really sexy times. Also, as a sentient carrot, I feel you should get a book deal of your own. Maybe then she'll come to YOUR book signing and fawn. "Oh Carrot, how are you liking Philadelphia? Do you know any talking lettuce?" --KatSings

7. Reasons to have sex (as I learned from the movies):

1. A man I really despise slaps me across the face
2. I'm trapped in a tunnel with my male nemesis
3. It's really cold outside
4. It's really hot outside
5. I just had a huge argument with a male co-worker
6. A guy just delivered pizza to my door
7. I and a random man I met on a train just out-ran an evil gang of assassins
8. A hot cop just pulled me over for a broken tail light
9. Aliens have invaded
10. My entire family was just slaughtered by a manly Visigoth
11. I and a random man are seconds away from completing the technical steps on a last ditch effort to save the world from impending doom. --PaddyDog

[You ALWAYS have sex during an alien invasion! It's like, in the rules. But you also forgot: just before I get killed by a rampaging hillbilly whom I insulted earlier and is now coming after me with a chainsaw.]

[On Mel Gibson, whose movies, well...some of us can't help but like still. It's a turmoil in my soul, I tell you.]

6. gp, His performance in Chicken Run is no defense for him since he played a cock in that. That would actually hurt his case. --Paultera

5. C'mon Rowles, have a care. If it wasn't for those women, I wouldn't be alive today. My grandfather, Pervy Assnole, married one such lady, and the rest is history.

Yes, I come from a long and illustrious line of Assnoles. In case you're wondering, it's Scotch-Romanian. --logar

So help me Godtopus, real name or not, if no one in your family has stood up at a holiday and yelled, "I'm surrounded by Assnoles!", your genetic material should be expunged from existence. I SAID GOOD DAY. --branded

[Hee. Classic.]

4. [I know I promised I'd stop, but it doesn't count if it was on the list! Anyway, this was my favorite of a long string of hilarious comments left during that day. ]

Butthole faithful,
Joyful and triumphant.
Oh come, all ye Buttholes
on Buttholey Day.

Cum and goatse it.
Scatalogical it.
Oh come, all ye Buttholes
on Buttholey Day! --BWeaves

[This was hands-down my favorite comment in the review for the atrocious Skyline, which, if you'd recall, had a Mad-Lib section at the end. The review, not the movie. Though the movie might too, for all I know.]

3. "I'm the archetype anywhere aliens invade."

"I haven't observed any of them near credibility."

"Someone is laughing back!"

"We are at ridiculousness."

"They're not filmmakers. They're just kidding the audience."

Perhaps a little meta to be said by characters in a movie, but those are my guesses. --DarthCorleone

2. [From the new *gag* trailer for *gaaaaag* "Zookeeper"]

HAHA! Get it? Because an elephant never forgets and he's telling the fat guy that he remembers nothing, you guys! The comedy here works on so many levels. Critics just don't understand that kind of genius. God, I hope that monkey has a flatulence problem, that'll really ratchet up the yucks. What it needs less of is that environmental message hoohockey. If I wanted to hear incessant blathering about our Earth being endangered I'd have voted for Gore. But I guess considering it's already done a bang up job of enticing me with some HIGHLARIOUS physical comedy, I can let that slide. Thank God for good American comedy. --Kayanne

[That hurt my brains.]

1. Maybe it's because I hate kids and talking animals but I really can't see the attraction of these movies. I keep hoping that Bruce Campbell will come and take chainsaw to the face of that stupid lion and then will spend the next half hour insulting the kids and as a finish make a big barbecue out all of those annoying animals and of course get some hot elven chicks. They are elfs in this movie right? --YesPlease

****

Bwah! I may have sque-- um...exclaimed loudly when I read this. In a high-pitched manner. Lots of e's, maybe a q in there, too. Arms waving excitedly because YES, Bruce Campbell! Killing talking animals (who are of Satan) and Kevin James' career once and for all so that we don't have to suffer through any more of this forever and ever amen.

So, there you go. Enjoy your week-before-Thanksgiving, if you do that, or just enjoy another sad week in November. I know I'll be itching for my four-day weekend from work, and, since I work in retail, I know I'll be glad to get the fuck away from any stores next week.

See you then!

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX, and she wants you to make it work. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter.








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