web counter
 

Burlesque is Your Typical Small-Town Girl Goes to Los Angeles ...

By Figgy | Posted Under Eloquent Eloquence | Comments (42)

Burlesque_Movie_stills_21.jpg

Fucking finally, it’s December! The Christmas! The New Year’s! The lights everywhere and the presents and the food! THE FOOD. The music! NO WAIT.

The fucking music. You guys. I’m about to lose my goddamn mind. All from the goddamn music.

Here’s the thing: I fucking love Christmas. I may be a cynic about every other holiday (except the ones where you get to eat a shitload of food), but Christmas melts my icy little heart and I feel nothing but this desire to give shit to my loved ones and make them happy for a little bit. I love shopping for presents, I love the look on people’s faces when they open my presents, because I am a gift-giving goddess. Even with $20 I can find you the perfect goddamn present that will make you think I’m awesome forever. I also just love the food and the decorations (specially the tacky ones because they crack me the hell up). Christmas brings out the best in me.

But the music makes me want to murder someone in the face. Repeatedly. See, it can all be explained in four words: I work in retail. A big motherfucking store with speakers every other aisle that can’t be muted as they play yet another screechy version of “Santa Baby” that makes me want to curl up into a ball and sob because I can’t take it anymore. Also that might be the worst fucking song in the history of the universe. I’ve always disliked the repetitiveness of Christmas music (Jingle Bells my ASS), but nothing can compare to the pain of listening to that shit 8 hours a day five days a week. It’s fucking torture and I need help. I’m so desperate that I’ve even risked incurring the anger of the powers that be by suggesting we shoot the shit out of the one speaker in the stockroom where I work. I…just…can’t…take it.

So what’s my point here? One, it’s a long way of saying to everyone on my Facebook to fuck off with calling me a Grinch because I don’t break out in joyous singing when I hear Rudolph for the 1500th time in one day. I mean, aside from the fact that that song is just cynical as hell. Second: no point. I just wanted to let it all out, and I hope that some of you feel the same way I do. So let’s do a mini diversion (if you’re still even reading this): what’s your least favorite Christmas song? And your favorite? I have to say I hate most of them but I do love that one Mariah Carey song. And the one that Zooey Deschanel sings in “Elf”. So, let’s hear it.

Oh, yeah. This is the EE, isn’t it? Sorry! Really. But it’s Christmas themed! I just had this digging into my brain. Just for that you get extra delicious comments this week—and more of them, considering that a lot of them are multiples. You’re lucky.


***

[Apologies for starting out with a Bieber comment. But it’s about his stupid ‘new’ haircut!]

10. Obviously the wretched mousy brown dye job on the right is the new cut. The difference is that whoever cut/colored/styled the hair did not do enough thinning to have it sit right on his head. The result is a tragic middle-aged lesbian who gave up on love and moved out to the farm haircut rather than a hip trendy SoHo lesbian who regularly goes to concerts of bands who have no shot of ever making it big as they are too drunk/stoned to have a successful career haircut as pictured on the left. —Robert

[I also can’t wait for Robert’s reaction at being back on the EE…with a Bieber comment. MWAHAHA.]

9. Aside from the fact that it says in the bible that no one can know when the end of the world will be, I think it’s totally déclassé that God’s using billboards for his Save the Date. Couldn’t he have sprung for some hand-addressed card stock invites or something? Maybe an infomercial?

Quick, it’s 3am and your suffering from channel surfing induced insomnia and you see Jesus on the screen talking about the end of the world and shilling what?

My guess would be toaster ovens. Nothing cooks like Christ! Mmmm delicious sacrilege. See! We Christians can have a sense of humor? If it wasn’t for the laughter how would we get through the awkward ice cream socials? Well, besides the booze. —Kayanne

[I can also see him selling bedazzled Crosses and Bible covers and other really tacky crap.]

[From the list of Most Insubstantial Actors in Hollywood:]

8. No Charming Potato? Is he excluded on the grounds of being a root crop? —Mrs. Julien

[I tell you: shit like ‘Charming Potato’ is what makes me love this place so much. It cracks me up every single damn time, and I’m not even sure what the guy looks like. We should find a way to put his name on a shirt.]

7. Sir Seymour McFrumperson [Phillip Seymour-Hoffman] looks about a pube-beard away from being a lunatic that sleeps under a bridge on a pee-stanked mattress. What the fuckity hell happened to him? I know it’s a character, but something tells me he didn’t spend too much time in wardrobe and make-up. He just showed up on set reeking like old salad-dressing and bellowed “MAKING MAGIC!” —Skitz

[Horf. Now I can smell him. Thanks, Skitz.]

6. You left the “!” out of “Kendra!” Which reminds me:

“She’s hot, and sexy, funny, and wild …”

See, right there’s the problem. They have no show unless they can convince us that she’s hot, sexy, funny and wild, that’s why they have to push that agenda on us from the start of the theme song, but we’re three seconds into the show and they’ve already lied to us four times (five, if Kendra! isn’t really a she), because I’ve tried watching dozens of times and all the exclamation points and manic editing between segments in the world cannot change the fact that Kendra! is absolutely none of those things*. A more appropriate theme song would start something like:

She’s boring, moronic, self-centered, big-titted,
She boned old Hugh Hefner and though she’s half-witted,
She’s on your TV!
Go Kendra! Go Kendra! Go Kendra! Go Kenzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

*—And yet, apparently, enough few million people a week fall for it. Lincoln was right, you CAN fool some of the people all of the time. So … if any of you Kendra! fans have an incurable disease, I have the cure! And you can have it by sending $500,000 to my Swiss bank account. Up front. — ,

[I look forward to the book “Me and Kendra: A Special Story” by ,]

5. I thought we were going to see something Centipede-like. I wonder what a Beiber-Palin-The Situation Human Centipede would look like? I’d probably put Palin in the middle, since that’s where we put bitches that piss us off (and by ‘we’ I mean mad scientists, duh). Let’s see…the rear would be Beiber because I’m guessing he’s done ass to mouth before and might adjust more quickly. Then The Situation would be the front, but I may need to cut his vocal cords a la Motel Hell like Farmer Vincent taught me.

You know what? Imma get right on this. —Pinky McLadybits

[…you do that.]

[From that movie…with the um…Asian warriors? Shit, I can’t remember. Oh, fine I’ll look it up. God, you people. The Warrior’s Way! That’s it. It doesn’t matter, really:]

4. “There, he picks up skills he never had time to master, what with the murderin’, like laundry (he becomes the town’s laundry man) and gardening.”

-Christ, Because OF COURSE he does! Yeah, he couldn’t possibly become the town butcher or blacksmith or even lumberjack, y’know occupations that might stem from his skill with a sword (or the making of one). No, no. Instead he’s got to continue on with the perpetuation of another idiotic stereotype. John Belushi would be proud to know “Samurai Dry Cleaner” lives on. Does he work with Calgon too? Or does he just fall back on it just being an “Ancient Chinese Secret”? No wait. Lemmie guess. “Lone Wolf & Cub Laundry Services: We don’t just rub out the stains, we scare them into committing Seppuku too”
-bleujayone

[The next two are from this monstrosity. Just go take a look at the photo.]

3. Looks like Foghorn Leghorn got a Happy Ending. —Kballs

2. Whorish Mouth took a picture of my arm like this once. But not with feathers in my hand. We couldn’t find a goose that we liked enough to bring into the bedroom, nor one that was mildly attractive when shorn. So we went with a ferret. I do NOT recommend anyone else try this.

1. They are a fucking nightmare to shave.
2. The boy ones smell if they’re not descented. Kinda helps to kill the mood with the fresh scent of ammonia in the air.
3. They a fucking nosey! Like literally…they jam their noses EVERYWHERE where curiosity can lie. And considering the shadowy depths between my ass cheeks (I have a donk) curiosity was abound…as was the cold-nosing of my leather cheerio.
4. They bite and nibble. A lot. More than my woman. And in the wrong spots. I did not enjoy the 7 seconds where little FizzGig had a munch on my biffkin. Again…kinda helped to kill the mood.

…next time. I’ll wait for a goose.
-PissBoy

[Oh I’ve missed you, PissBoy.]

[Our #1 this week is super extra special. First, it’s actually from the week before last, but I didn’t get to put it up because of the Thanksgiving holiday. But it was too damn good to pass up. Second, it’s for a bunch of people, because it was a team effort. They were all too fucking hilarious to pick just one, but the last one might be my favorite by a squeak. ANYWAY. It’s a long thread from the fantastic review for Burlesque, which you should all go read, and then read the comments. Here it is:]

1. Change this:

Burlesque is your typical small-town girl goes to Los Angeles with a photo of her dead mom in her suitcase and a heart of gold in her chest.

To this:

Burlesque is your typical small-town girl goes to Los Angeles with a photo of her dead mom in her chest and a heart of gold in her suitcase.
And that’s a movie I’d pay to watch. —RobP

How about this:

Burlesque is your typical small-town girl goes to Los Angeles with the heart of her dead mom in a suitcase and a photo of gold in a chest. —Yossarian

Burlesque is your typical small-town dead mom goes to Los Angeles with the chest of a girl in a suitcase and a photo of a gold heart. —Perfect Tommy

Burlesque is your typical small-chest girl goes to town in Los Angeles with a suitcase of gold and a photo of her dead mom’s heart. —Yossarian

Burlesque is your typical small-town mom goes to Los Angeles with a dead girl’s chest in her suitcase and a photo of a heart of gold. —Kargoyle

Burlesque is your typical small-town heart of gold goes to suitcase with a photo of Los Angeles in her mom’s chest. It was directed by Michel Gondry, from a Charlie Kaufman script. — Shane

Burlesque is your typical small-town girl goes to Los Angeles with her dead mom’s heart in her gold suitcase and a photo of a chest.

Apparently she’s heading for Beverly Hills and killed her mother for the insurance to pay for getting bigger tits. Unfortunately, she made a wrong turn and ended up in West Hollywood. Worse for her she locked her keys in the car along with her mother’s tell-tale heart and as we know California afternoons aren’t cool.

Her only hope is to take refuge in a local Mormon strip bar, “Coque Teez”, headed up by Cherilyn Kabukimask, the oldest yodeling hooker in L.A. who only recently took the title from one Anna Mae Bullock.

Will our fugitive songbird become the next warbling whore of the Sunset Strip? Will Kabukimask step aside? And will some PLEASE find out what stinks so bad in that Louis Vuitton? —bleujayone


****

Oh, the delicious Pajiba goodness! So congratulations to RobP, Yossarian, PerfectTommy, Kargoyle, Shane and bluejayone, you ALL win this week. You can duke it out for Supreme EE Ruler (Week of December 5th) if you so want, but I think it’d make an adorable photo op opportunity if you’re all up there with your Godtopus medals and Human Centipede commemorative plushies.

I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. But enjoy your victory! Personally I think it’s one of my favorite EEs in a long time. Keep it up, everyone, let’s finish the year with a bang. In all senses of the word. Ooh, saucy.

So thanks for listening. And, to anyone in power to do so: don’t make your employees listen to Christmas music this season. For the love of everything holy, think of their sanity. Don’t forget to leave your favorite and least favorite Christmas songs in a comment here.










Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance

← Ride Santa, Ride! | SyFy's Ice Quake | Pajiba After Dark 12/6/10 →









Comments

So wait, Burlesque was about a small town girl, living in a lonely world, that took the midnight train going anywhere?

Posted by: meh at December 6, 2010 6:43 PM

I unabashedly love Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas", and any version of "Baby It's Cold Outside". I cannot stand "Hark, Hear the Bells". I don't know why but I think it's super creepy.

Posted by: Badkittyuno at December 6, 2010 6:56 PM

That was amazing. I actually just lost major points in class because i started laughing out loud. In particular, yossarian, you were KILLING it.

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at December 6, 2010 6:59 PM

what’s your least favorite Christmas song?
---
"The First Noel," in a landslide. The lyrics are moronic and the ... what's it called, meter? Is all fucked up. Look how you have to add syllables to "In fields where they" to keep up with the melody: "I-in field-s where-ere they ..."

Makes my brain swell and itch.

Posted by: , at December 6, 2010 7:00 PM

The Worst
4. The Peanuts Christmas song. It just sounds depressing. If it wasn't about Christmas, and about something that actually fit the music -- like coma patients -- then I might like it.
3. "Christmas Shoes"
2. The one about the grown-up woman and her Christmas list.
1. The Paul McCartney one. With the synths. And the "ding-dong, ding-dong, woooOOOoOoOoOOh!" Unless your Christmas wish is for my ears to commit murder, please stop it.

The Best
4. Half of that John Lennon song. I'm a sucker for children singing. But not Yoko.
3. The Mariah Carey song. It's the only positive thing I have to say about Mariah Carey.
2. "The Little Drummer Boy." I like the deep "rom-pu-pu-puh-puhms" in the version by the Vienna Boys Choir, but I do love the Bing Crosby/David Bowie duet. Because BOWIE!
1. Any Leon Redbone rendition of a Christmas song. There's something so irresistably cool about his voice.

Posted by: penelope at December 6, 2010 7:02 PM

The original Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" and The Beatles' "Merry Christmas (War Is Over)" make my heart all custardy (shut up red-waves, I'm foreign.) Every other Christmas song tops the list of my most hated Christmas songs.
And the Burlesque thread was as priceless as MasterCard if not more.

Posted by: schmerpes at December 6, 2010 7:08 PM

"I wonder what a Beiber-Palin-The Situation Human Centipede would look like?"

Celine Dion

Posted by: D-Day at December 6, 2010 7:10 PM

That Burlesque thread was AMAZING. "Cherilyn Kabukimask," - HA!

Best Christmas song? "The Christmas Song" as sung by Nat King Cole. It isn't Christmas until I've heard that one.

Worst? It's a tie between the Paul McCartney atrocity that penelope mentioned that shall not be named, and this absolutely HORRIBLE rendition of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" by Tom Jones and some chick named Cerys Matthews. I also work in retail (I feel your pain, figgy), and they play this song every 3 hours... I've timed it. It's earsplitting. Ms. Matthews sounds like she's strangling cats who have been smoking 3 packs a day since birth. When I finally snap and put a curtain rod through a customer's ears, I'm going to blame it on that song.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at December 6, 2010 7:19 PM

D-Day,

don't say disturbingly hilarious things like that while I'm drinking the cookies away with hot chocolate, my screen now looks likes the Human Celinetepede's morning poop!

Posted by: schmerpes at December 6, 2010 7:21 PM

My least favorite Christmas song: "The Little Drummer Boy". Whenever I hear it, all I can think is "What mother in her right mind would subject a newborn child to a freakin' DRUM SOLO!?!?"

My favorite song: The Alison Brown Quartet medley of "The Carol of the Bells" and "We Three Kings". Not only is it great music, but I love it just for the title:

"Carol and the Kings"

Posted by: Tranjo at December 6, 2010 7:28 PM

"The Little Drummer Boy" always reminds me of Angela and Dwight's disturbing version on The Office. No one should be having eyesex while singing Christmas Carols.

Posted by: badkittyuno at December 6, 2010 7:33 PM

Sounds like the Celinetipede needs a little fiber, or she's lactose-intolerant.

Posted by: Rykker at December 6, 2010 7:45 PM

Worst: Last Christmas - Wham!

Best: Driving Home For Christmas - Chris Rea.

Posted by: Bodie at December 6, 2010 7:55 PM

Now the best Christmas song is "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa's Balls." It's got all the trad ...

What? Well, that's how Mom sang it and SHE always got everything on her list.

Posted by: , at December 6, 2010 8:04 PM

Of course, earlier on, I meant to write John Lennon's "War Is Over." Not The Beatles'. It is an insignificant correction, granted, but I'm just writing it now for my inner peace. I simply hate the idea of giving Paul McCartney a credit for writing something beautiful after being replaced, at some time in early seventies, with an as devilishly smug as utterly talentless Smellyfartian secret agent sent here by the warlords of a hostile and talentessly smug vegan civilization from the planet Smellyfartia 3 somewhere in the Vega constellation. At the time, Smellyfartians were weighing on overtaking the Earth but ironically (or is it, Irony Police?) they soon died out themselves of FSD (foul smell disorder).* So, John Lennon's "War Is Over."

*it's now written on the Internet so it's true

Posted by: schmerpes at December 6, 2010 8:08 PM

Adding to my list of favs: Jonathon Coulton's "Chiron Beta Prime".
"Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime,
where we're working in a mine
for our robot overlords.
Did I say overlords? I meant protectors.
Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime..."

Posted by: badkittyuno at December 6, 2010 8:25 PM

Oh, and Kyle Brofloski singing "I'm a Jew, a lonely Jew, on Christmas" is how rainbows sound.

Posted by: schmerpes at December 6, 2010 8:32 PM

My favorite Christmas song is hands down Homo Christmas by Pansy Division. It just puts me in such a festive mood.

Posted by: GwenStacy at December 6, 2010 8:35 PM

Great list, figgy. Great job EE's. You all make me laugh, a lot, thanks.

Posted by: Jadine at December 6, 2010 8:41 PM

Favourite Christmas song: 2000 Miles, The Pretenders.

Least favoutite Christmas song: pretty much any other Christmas song

Posted by: Jadine at December 6, 2010 8:46 PM

Is it the wrong time to admit that I've grown to not hate Justin Bieber? And that I'm a recovering famewhore? Nothing shames me, figgy. I'm just glad to have the spotlight for a long ass comment on Justin Bieber and lesbian hair care.

Posted by: Robert at December 6, 2010 9:38 PM

I worked in retail for 14 years, and it made me HATE Christmas music. If Bing Crosby hadn't been dead already, I would have killed him myself.

Posted by: Ginger at December 6, 2010 9:42 PM

Love The Pogues song 'Fairytale of New York'. Going from "you cheap lousy faggot" to "I've built my dreams around you", great stuff.

Merry Christmas (my arse!) everyone

Posted by: wildflower at December 6, 2010 10:33 PM

Worst Christmas song, "Hey Santa" by Wilson Phillips.
Best Christmas song "Carol of the Bells" by a choir, love love love it.

Posted by: kel at December 6, 2010 11:53 PM

My least favorite Christmas tune is Barbara Streisand butchering "Jingle Bells" as though it were Broadway show tune. It makes me want to hire Axl Rose to belt out a rendition of "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel". On her front lawn. At 3AM.

Speaking of which, I have a soft spot in my hardened soul for "(I'm Spending) Hanukkah In Santa Monica" by song veteran Tom Lehrer. Any song that doesn't take itself too seriously is always a plus in my book. And for my in-laws it's not just a ditty, it's survival instructions.

As for the more traditional Yuletide song, still have to go with "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" as sung by the late Thurl "Tony the Tiger" Ravenscroft. It's not very Christmas cheer and all, but since I always seem to run into a horde of Grinches every year who always miss the point of the holidays, it always is in the back of my mind.


Posted by: bleujayone at December 7, 2010 12:15 AM

Santa's making a list
But it's a ... grocery list.
He checks it once, he checks it twice.
His eyes are getting big
But
His belly's bigger.
Santa can'ta getta down
Down
Down
Downa
The chimney this year.

something something reindeer jerky
Something something deep-fried elf meat

Santa can'ta getta down
Down
Down
Downa
The chimney this year.

Posted by: , at December 7, 2010 12:44 AM

Worst Christmas song(s):
Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmastime - this sets the standard on repetitive and obnoxious
John Lennon - War is Over
That Mary Did you Know song (my mom loves it and it drives me nuuuuts)

Best:

Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas
Barenaked Ladies and Sarah McLachlan - God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman
Death Cab For Cutie - Baby Please Come Home
Jon Bon Jovi - Please Come Home For Christmas (shutup, he's been my fake husband since I was 6. The man can do no wrong)

Posted by: Even Stevens at December 7, 2010 2:05 AM

Sonnuvabitch. Thanks for putting our bedroom secrets out there on the internets, Pissboy.

As for Christmas songs...I love a LOT of them, even several listed here as the worst (Paul's Wonderful Christmas time, Wham's Last Christmas, etc). I pretty much love all Christmas music pre 1984, and I'm spotty after that.
Favorites would have to include Karen Carpenter's Merry Christmas Darling, and Nat King Cole's The Christmas Song.

Least favorites? Anything by Jessica Simpson, Ann Murray, and Celine Dion. Particularly Ann Murray...her voice makes me want to kill. I also heard a monstrosity for the first time this year by Pat Benetar-Christmas in America. That is by far the worst Christmas song I've heard EVER. Oh Pat, bad ass songstress from my youth, what have you done?

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at December 7, 2010 7:50 AM

Nice. Funny thing is that soon after I posted that comment, an article was published with Foghorn Leghorn as the header pic. It's like Dustin is living inside my head.

. . .

Wait, Dustin is real, right? Uhhh, are you real? Does the internet really exist? Seems unlikely with all that information flying around in nothingness. And what kind of mushmouthed nonsense is "Pajiba" anyway? Sounds like some made up word I would overhear my 3 year old saying when naming her favorite bear.

Oh no. Do I even have a kid? God I hope so. Otherwise, whose shit did I clean up for 2 years? Am I a caveman imagining all this glorious futurosity? If so I'm gonna draw everything I see on that wall over there and blow some nerd's brain right out of his skull 10,000 years from now when he finds it digging around my sweet cave.

Archaeological Nerd: "Ahh, yes. Beautiful drawings. Antelope and buffalo striding away from the hunters while their families wait over here behind this rock. And here's a man sitting in a chair typing on a compu---what the fuck?"

Posted by: Kballs at December 7, 2010 8:19 AM

Definitely 'Fairytale of New York' by The Pogues.
Check out the link for some interesting details... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fairytale_of_New_York

...also, 'Christmas Wrapping' by The Waitresses.

On the other hand, there are so many horrible Xmas songs...which one to pick...how about 'I Believe in Father Christmas' by Greg Lake (of ELP)?

Posted by: OldSchool60 at December 7, 2010 9:41 AM

You are all so wrong. Worst Christmas song ever is "I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas", sung by some obnoxious little brat in what someone thought was a cute, off-key voice about what a shit he's been this holiday season. It was on a CD I bought of holiday music, and now the whole CD is ruined because if I play it, I live in dread of the moment that song will start and I will have to race across the room to hit the skip button.

But yes, working in retail and hearing ANY song, no matter how awesome, played over and over, day after day, would kill your love of music. There are songs to this day that I despise solely because hearing them immediately transports me back 20 years to that hateful job that forced me to listen to them, 50 times a day, for months.

Posted by: DeadBessie at December 7, 2010 9:54 AM

When I was in art school, I worked as a hostess in a family-style Italian restaurant in Atlanta (real family, not mafia "family"). This was so long ago that the muzak was actually just two really bad eight-track tapes of "Classic Italian Tunes" that we played over and over.

From Thanksgiving through New Year's, we switched out to one eight-track of Sinatra singing Christmas songs. This tape was old--like really, really old--so the sweet, sweet crooning of Frank sounded more like ground up cattle innerds dragging across a blood-flooded floor attempting to escape from the slaughter house. Customers constantly asked us to turn the music off, but the owner just didn't seem to hear the difference. "It's Sinatra, everybody loves Sinatra, let it play." He was Austrian, by the way, not Italian, so that may explain it, but I'm not sure.

So now, whenever I hear Sinatra singing a Christmas song, I get a little verklempt.

Posted by: Mrs Smith at December 7, 2010 10:26 AM

I think there were even a few more of those Burlesque is a... comments. We should all pat ourselves on the back for keeping it going. But we should kill bluejayone for perfecting it, and then killing it. Nothing personal, you understand, it's just how these things go. Then we can eat the meat off his funny bone and improve our own comedy stylings ten-fold.

Mwahahahahahahahahaha!

Ahem. We should kill Kballs, too. He just makes everything unfair.

Posted by: RobP at December 7, 2010 10:40 AM

Oh, and for starting that piece of business, you're all welcome. Except those that aren't. You know who you are. Jerks.

Posted by: RobP at December 7, 2010 10:41 AM

Oh God, kel, I DETEST "Hey Santa" with the fire of a thousand suns. Specially because it's one of those LOUD CHIRPY songs that you can't just ignore like 'silent night'. It's fucking impossible to drown it out.

There's also one by Britney Spears that might not be so bad if it weren't sung through Britney's horrible nose. It's so WHINY.

Posted by: figgy at December 7, 2010 10:43 AM

Worst:

Last Christmas, by Wham!

The fact that no one else mentions this is shocking.


Best:

The mother fucking Jingle Cats.


Posted by: Some Guy at December 7, 2010 10:57 AM

Hmmm.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at December 7, 2010 1:19 PM

Just to update everyone, I think I've got enough hair gel to put in my The Situation trap. I bought my trap from ACME, so it should work like a dream. I'll place the trap near a skanky bar with lots of orange whores floundering around and just wait. Shouldn't take too long.

Phase 2: Catch the Bieber. I'm thinking I'll somehow incorporate some candy and a glory hole...

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at December 7, 2010 1:57 PM

I'm thinking I'll somehow incorporate some candy and a glory hole...

Incorporate that glory hole into a revolving door, bait it with the candy, and you won't even have to struggle to subdue him.
He'll knock his own self the fuck out:

Beiber Boo-boo

Posted by: Rykker at December 7, 2010 7:37 PM

Worst Xmas song: Little Drummer Boy. Drags, drags, drags, and freakin' godawful lyrics. Only halfway listenable version is on "We Wish You A Metal Xmas." Big surprise?: pick up the tempo and it doesn't last so godawful long. Bonus: a real drummer, to show how it's done....

Best? Silent Night, or rather Stille Nacht. Sung by Elizabeth Schwartzkopf, in German, with only an acoustic guitar. The same way it was first performed. WFMT (classical music station in Chicago) used to play this at the stroke of midnight Christmas Eve. If I was up finishing Xmas gifts (I sew, my mother would be at my sister's house in Illinois with the grandkids, they wouldn't be back up here till just before New Year's), for just those few minutes I'd down needle and just listen.

Posted by: seemless at December 7, 2010 8:08 PM

I love Silent Night, and my favorite part of Christmas is when we sing it at church on Christmas Eve night while holding candles and all the little kids look terrified because their moms have threatened them within an inch of their lives that if they set the church or their hair or their sister on fire Santa will leave them stockings full of coal. And then everyone blows out their candles and the church is really quiet and the organ plays you out and then it's time to drink hot chocolate (and bourbon) and wait for Santa and it's awesome and I fucking love Christmas.

Worst Christmas song is easily that goddawful Paul McCartney "Wonderful Christmastime" earworm, second only to that obnoxious R&B "This Christmas" one in heavy rotation at every mall. When I worked retail, that's the one that gave me the twitches. **shudder**

(Best Christmas CD ever is, of course, The Squirrel Nut Zippers "Carolina Christmas." Seriously. Buy it and be full of joy).

Posted by: Tammy at December 7, 2010 9:37 PM

Best Christmas CD ever is, of course, The Squirrel Nut Zippers "Carolina Christmas."

Without having heard that one (yet -- and I live in a Carolina. Huh.), I would have to oppose that proclamation with the Peanuts Christmas CD (sorry, penelope).
It's the only Christmas music I can stand for long periods of time without needing to suppress the urge to rain-down stabbity death upon the general populace with sharpened candy canes.

Posted by: Rykker at December 7, 2010 9:49 PM