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Bear Goggles

By jM | Eloquent Eloquence | August 9, 2010 | Comments ()

By jM | Eloquent Eloquence | August 9, 2010 |


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[Before we jump into this, I'd like to point you toward last week's Pajiba Dirty Talk column by Dr. Pisaster. It was a very well written piece that led to a surprisingly civil and frank discussion on today's rape culture. The comments went 200+ deep, the majority of which were very intelligent and respectful. I could fill an EE list with those comments ten times over, but I think it would be better to point you over there if you haven't read it already. We know Pajibans can bring the scathing but they've also got a shreds of heart. Sharts, really. (What? Nope, I'm pretty sure that doesn't mean anything else)]

This was an intense week. I feel as if I haven't slept at all, which is probably because I've barely slept at all. I'm caught in the cold hard grip of insomnia and it's driving me bonkers. I just said BONKERS for crying out loud! I've tried everything short of prescription medication since the uppity pharmacies won't accept a Post-It with 'Two bottles of sleepy time drugs, please. Signed, Dr. Spaceman MSG.' as a valid prescription. To compound the problem, there is a cricket, louder than a jet engine, somewhere in my bedroom. I've searched under the bed, in the closets, behind the panda cages, and in the dresser drawers and nothing. It is nowhere to be found! Each moment that I let it live emboldens him. He grows louder and more confident with each chirp. Mocking me. Torturing me. And unfortunately, my half-melted brain devised a plan to smoke the bastard out. I opened up communication with the enemy by trying to out-chirp him, which... he seemed very excited about. A little too excited. Long story short, I think I'm betrothed to the cricket hiding in my room and the only option that I have left is burn the house down, thus saving me from being crowned Cricket Queen and being used as a vessel to birth an army of cricket men. So if anyone has any tips? Hints? Kerosene? I'd really appreciate it.

In other news, Shark Week happened! Was it good for you, too? I hope you got your fill of mangled seals and maimed surfers while the getting was good. I know I'll be wearing out my copy of Deep Blue Sea until this time next year. Though, the image of the Japanese Goblin Shark will ensure that I'll never sleep again even if I kick the insomnia.

Also, in what I believe is a landmark win for the future of human on panda relations, Prop 8 -- that ball barnacle excuse of legislation denying marriage rights to homosexual couples in California -- was overturned on Wednesday! Sure, great for gays. But really, that's one small step for gays, one giant leap for me and my panda harem. It wasn't even long after the ruling that the major Hollywood film Yogi Bear -- particularly through its poster -- took the initiative to loudly and proudly depict the little known subculture of homosexual bears (Grrrr! bears). It won't be long before Ming-Ming and I can walk down the street paw in hand without dirty looks, jeers, and someone calling Animal Control. I for one commend them for taking these deep and penetrating issues head-on.

Here's your Top 15 (because I'm tired and brain dead and Insomnia Logic wills it). Out of the forests and into the comments!:

15. Dear Swamp Shark,

This is an order to cease and desist on behalf of our client, the original Swamp Thing, on the grounds of trademark, copyright infringement and derivative works. Your client is so ordered on grounds of:

- Exclusivity. There can be only one "Swamp whatever."
- Preemption. By claiming to be the (swamp) thing, our client preempts any and all specific swamp things. Note that this claim also extends to all "things". (Dropping the Charlie Sheen / Wild Thing action is a special case because, well, he skeeved even us out.)

- Intellectual Property: This ripping off themes, images or tag lines from other works has got to stop. (Even if it is better.)

Our client indicates that he/she/it is open to negotiations of a potential double-bill (provided he/she/it gets top billing). Barring that, we quote:

"You tell that shark to bite me. Seriously. Tell old fangy mc-teeth to bring it on. What's he gonna do to me. I'm fucking algae."

Regards,

Slime, Moss, Ferns & Assoc. -- Slime, Moss, Ferns & Assoc.

[Is your firm hiring? I think I have what it takes to be a lawyer. I don't sleep anyway and I've seen Legally Blond and A Time to Kill a bunch of times, so I truly believe that if I wear a cute suit, cry on command, and end every closing argument with, "Now imagine she's white.", I'll win every case.]

14. Anyone else noticing how most of the guys being replaced are schlubby and fairly unattractive, while nearly 100% of the women are incredibly hot? There aren't normal looking women who are allowed to be funny in the movies? -- KatSings

There aren't normal looking women who are allowed to be funny in the movies?

No. -- twig

13. Figgy - screaming at trees is perfectly natural and understandable. Afterall according to that M guy they kill people. Right? Or is it the wind when it passes through the trees?

Wait..trees fart? Even more reason to scream at them.

Scream away Figgy, scream away... -- Kelly

[Something tells me that Mel Gibson hears that last line every time he picks up the phone.]

12. Once my browser showed an error message that it

"Could Not Find AngryBlackLady.com".
Later that day Mozilla sent me an apology email with a black eye... -- D-Day

[Now imagine she's white.]

11. Sharkarazzi!

We're the sharks, we're c-comin' out

Got my sonar on you

Too good to be true

It's so tragical, you'll taste most fantastical!

I'm your biggest fan, I'll maul you 'til your in my tum-my

Sharkarazzi...

At the end of the song a shark could devour Lady Gaga and she'd spurt blood everywhere. Wait a minute... -- Stinky

[Nothing like a shark-themed earworm to go with brain-melting insomnia. Thanks!]

10. Yeah, because the first thing I need from a movie called "Ricky Stanicky" is a solid foundation of realism and common sense.

*eyes roll out of head, out of room, drive to Cape Canaveral, hop on rocket, launch into outer space, colonize the moon, manufacture powerful moon weapons, clone Eye Army, return to Earth with a vengeance* -- Kballs

9. "So which girl do you think is most like me?"

That sentence has been filed under 'Words your boyfriend should NEVER speak after watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with the rest of your family.' -- penelope

[Dealbreaker. Mostly because that is such a Lena thing to ask and she was just lame.]

8. For what it's worth I've seen more than a few men who should keep their shirts on too.

You've heard of "beer goggles", well some of these guys have "abs goggles". They whip off their t-shirts and start flexing about like a Disciple of the Church of Matthew McConaughey. What's more astouding is that they'll see their reflection and STILL think that everything is alright. Flab, stretch marks, moobs and hair -- oh sweet Gabriel the HAIR ... all of it naked to their perception. And the giggling they hear? Well that's because women want them so bad. And while I'm all for confidence and not being ashamed of oneself, I'm also a strong practitioner of trying to be dignified.

But somehow female free-range boobies are what's illegal. Yeah, there is a bit of a double standard. Look I'm not saying I have any unbridled desire to see liberated sweater puppies from anyone other than the ones I already have exclusive privilege to. Rather I'm saying there are some guys who might want to reconsider voluntarily passing up the opportunity to lose one's shirt. Trust me fellahs- it's never THAT hot outside. -- bleujayone

They whip off their t-shirts and start flexing about like a Disciple of the Church of Matthew McConaughey.

In the name of the Dude, the Bro, and the Holy Mooseknuckle. Ahhh maaannn. -- branded

7. Look, I got no problem with gay men getting naked, having sex with each other, and filming it. Just don't call it porn! Porn is between a man and a woman, or a man and many women, or just women, or hell a whole bunch of men and women together as long as the only contact between the dudes is a high five (or the occasional accidental penis bump during dp). Call it, I don't know, erotic film, but don't call it porn. -- pissant

[I personally believe that porn is between a person and a panda, or a person and many pandas, or a person, a panda, and a polar bear for the limited edition Bear Necessities 3: Polar Opposites due out summer 2011]

6. Do we know the premise of the film yet? I'd wager it has something to do with discovering oil in Jellystone, which brings in construction/mining crews and their subsequent jackhammering and drilling. -- branded

branded,

With that story line, they'd also have to lay pipe, and some of those drilling machines can pump for hours on end. -- Jen K.

[*lowers the lights*. Continue... nonono, speak soft and slow.]

5. Re: photgraphing Tits in public.

As an ameteur ornithologist, I have to say I don't see what the fuss is all about.

Where else would one expect to see a splendid example of the genus Petroica of the family Petroicidae? These birds are endangered enough as it is without banishing them further into oblivion. I have been a member of the Tit Lover's Society for 23 years now and I can tell you that along with my fellow members, I enjoy nothing more than long leisurely walks and looking for examples of this fine bird and I might also add that....

What? Oh. What? You mean...?

Oh my!

Nevermind. -- Odnon.

4. We're going to need a bigger...no, actually this is a standard shark. The boat we have is fine. Didn't the woman with the truck pull out an assault rifle? I think the swamp shark reign of terror is gonna be about 12 minutes long. The rest of the 90 minutes will just be swamp shark recipies-

There's swamp shark scampi, deep fried swamp shark, swamp shark po' boy, swamo shark on a stick, swamp shark Fra Diablo, swamp shark tartar, swamp shark gumbo... -- Mrcreosote

[Aren't sharks like the garbage disposals of the sea? I'm not sure I want to know what a deep fried landfill tastes like.]

3. You watched Just Like Heaven? -- The Other Agent Johnson
The Other Agent Johnson, oh Sweetheart, lemme tell you the terrible movies that I have seen. Occasionally, my mom and I find it fun to see terrible movies together. Although it's only fun looking back on it. In the moment I am filled with a sickness that dissolves into ravenous rage and I tend to black out and wake up with a restraining order.

I've actually been advised by my lawyer to not discuss what I remember from the evening that I watched "The Accidental Husband." I mean, it's not like I remember much, but there was just so much blood. -- Kayanne

[Just tell the judge you plead the Fifth... of November. I call it the Guy Fawkes Defense. BOOM, lawyering!]

2. I remember when ET first started. I saw in TV Guide that ET was going to be on that night, and I got totally geeked out- it wasn't on VHS even! Imagine my utter disappointment when I saw what it really was.

**TV Guide side note** I drew boobies on the cover of the TV Guide (on Loretta "Hot Lips" Switt)one evening. My father picked it up, looked at what I had done, smiled, and asked me what those were. It remains one of the more embarrassing moments in my childhood. Looking back, I get the sense that either he was proud of my artwork, or happy that I wasn't gay. Probably the latter. I know if I caught my son drawing a penis on Loretta Switt, I wouldn't be too happy. Not because I thought he was gay, mind you. I would just be angry that he got into my M.A.S.H. porn.

I may have had too much caffeine this morning. -- logar

[Mmmm... Alan Alda... Alan on a panda. Oh yeeeeah...]

1. Dear citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your demonstrated appreciation for Russell Edward Brand ("Russell Brand", "the actor") (formerly, "the English actor") notice is hereby given of the transfer of all rights and obligations (rights presumed to be few of any use and obligations presumed to be many) associated with Russell Brand's work and person, from Britain to the United States. The payment for Russell Brand has already been received, with thanks, from yourselves, and hence this transfer is effective immediately.

First please let us take this opportunity to point out that Russell Brand is not as much a mistake as he is a failed attempt to adjust our balance of trade. Now that we have found there is not as much oil in the North Sea as we hoped, the banks are gone, the high-tech plan does not appear to be working out and in the absence of any other viable exports that you Americans would want to buy, there was simply not a lot else we could do.
On the matter of ownership of said actor, which some of your have questioned earlier: what you buy is generally presumed to be yours to keep. The mere necessity of spelling this out brings to light what the rest of the world have known for quite a while now - it was not you who invented capitalism, rather, it was a Scotsman named Adam Smith.

We regret the moderate detriment which we expect Russell Brand will cause to your pop culture, but could not do otherwise -- the French would not take him. Unfortunately our return policy does not provide for either repair or replacement or full or partial refund for Russell Brand, were your tastes to improve in the future. Thank you for shopping with Britain.

Yours faithfully,

Britishers

P.S. We are still awaiting payment for Rowan Atkinson, whom we shall be happy to ship, at no extra cost to you, to your specified delivery address as soon as the payment is received.

P.P.S. But we are keeping BP. -- SB

America: Ooooooh man.

Canada: What's the matter?

America: Hangover. I think I partied too hard with Britain last night. I'm gonna go take a leak.... HOLY SHIT!!!!

Canada: Wha...What's wrong?

America: That dirty Britain! Look at my Florida! It's covered in...in....

Canada: Wow, Looks like Britain gave you a raging case of the Russel Brand! Better you than me, dude!

America: You shut the hell up! I still haven't forgot the screaming Dion you gave me, Don't think I didn't forget that! My Vegas is still burning from it.

Canada: I said I was sorry. So what are you gonna do to Britain?

America: Well, I think it's only fitting Season 3 of "Jeresy Shore" should be shot up Britain's Thames.

Canada: Isn't that a bit harsh?

America: You be quiet or I'll tell Cuba you really want him to stick his Havana up your Vancouver.

Canada: You're a bitch. -- bleujayone

*****

Guess what SB and bleujayone? You BOTH win this week! 1) Because it's imperative that we keep U.S. and British trade relations on good terms lest we're forced to return The Statham (what wouldn't I let him do to my Texas?) 2) Because I'm running on fumes and I do what I want. The precedence for which has been set above by picking a Top 15 instead of a Top 10. And, I could the cite the 2002 case Cartman v. Povich. LOL! (That means Lawyering Out Loud (What? No, I'm 99% sure lol doesn't mean anything else).

You'll both get signed copies of the super X-Rated not-even-Japan-will-touch-this Deluxe Edition of Bear Necessities 3: Polar Opposites, as soon as I book Alan Alda. We'll be back to our regularly scheduled figgyness next Monday. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find and kill a cricket with a flamethrower then glue my eyelids shut.


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