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Beaches ain't Sh*t but Hoes and Tricks

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | August 30, 2010 | Comments ()


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Oh blessed be the good Godtopus on high, it seems like High Summer and the Days of Hell are finally coming to the end. Granted, it'll still be in the upper 90s all week, but anything below 100 feels like winter time at this point. Good lord when will you stop talking about the damned weather?

Right freakin' now. Because the Emmys just happened, and I'm still on a high from so much Jon Hamm goodness, and sweet imaginings of Alexander Skarsgard. Poor MrFig just shook his head at me a lot, but because I'm awesome I would call him to the TV every time Christina Hendricks or Sofia Vergara were on screen, even though the Hendricks was wearing yet another unfortunate dress. Sadly (for him), they weren't on screen as often as The Hamm was, but life just isn't fair sometimes. It was a fun night and I expect I will be talking into my hairbrush this time tomorrow, because I will never stop being 12 years old and pretending to say your acceptance speech into the mirror will never get too old. I want to thank Pajiba, and my mom, and my agent and MrFig and my dogs and the color yellow and most of all me, for being so awesome and pretty, too. Save the endangered Amazonian three-toed sloth, y'all! Woo! Love me!

And so, I will never be asked to make a speech, ever. Sad, really, because the world will never see my victory dance or hear my demented 'Woo!'s in a giant auditorium. The world will always be a lesser place for it.

So, join me in celebrating the imminent coming of September, which is the best month of the year, for it has my birthday and Honduras' as well. Shut up, I can still celebrate my Hondurosity even if I have a Green Card. Anyone who says otherwise gets thrown over the river. To the bad side. Here's your list.

First, a bonus comment from our resident Teddy Bear (in regards to Robert Scott's Canadian Apology):

10.5 I don't care if you've "apologized". Next thing you'll be trying to build a Canadian Web site right next to Pajiba. It's insensitive and offensive. And it's way too soon.

Fucker'll probably call his site Pajibeh.

(beat)

(beat)

Yeah, fuck you, I know where the damn door is. --TK

10. a farcical 2 party system

---

Absolutely right! Supreme executive power should not derive from a mandate from the masses. We should instead choose our leaders by some farcical aquatic ceremony. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords IS a basis for a system of government!
At least that's how it works at my house ... --,

[Monty Python will neverget old.]

9. Isn't pairing Nazis with the occult giving those bastards an excuse for what they did?

"Ohhh, I didn't want to kill all ze jews und queers! My deal wiss ze occult made me do it! Zey said I'd just have to kill some cats und shit, but NEEE-IIIIN! Wolfgang der Vergewaltiger is an evil demon dealmaker who lies. He LIES! Can you believe it? I'm like, 'Hey, Wolfgang, how about a break on ze cripples?' And he's like, 'Fuck you, Nazi! Less bitching, more burning!'" --Kballs

8. Rest stops are always and always will be, a safe haven for the fuckin' creepy. The fact that I live in a rest stop does not make me creepy.

It makes me fuckin' creepy. --Brittany

[Hee. I want this movie greenlit immediately.]

7. I hate those damn summers eve commercials... I have NEVER in all my 30 years EVER needed to use that nasty stuff... apparently it can cause you to go all glitter gultch down in taco town... and my lady bits are just FINE as is. --SaucyWench

[Reading that made me make a sound that was halfway between a snort and a cackle and I think I scared the neighbors]

6. Oh god, Charming Potato in a movie about graduation?

Chris Pine: So, Stockard Channing, what have you been up to since graduation?

Yukon Dolt: Grumble grumble go joe grumble...

Anna Faris: *engage maximum bubbly attitude* Hey guys, do you remember our senior play? I was "whatever", you were "whatever", what part did you get Spuds McCantAct?
NOT Wentworth Miller: Grumble "brick facade" grumble grumble and "tree in forest at night" grumble. --D-Day

[The great thing is that I know I've seen Channing Tatum before. I know I've seen photos. Lots of them. But I cannot for the life of me ever remember what he looks like. He has a face you forget 2 minutes after you've seen it.]

5. Beaches ain't shit but hoes and tricks. --TSF

[My reaction to this was more of a prolonged, loud 'HA!'. Oh, and it was a comment on that thread of sad, Dead-People movies.]

4. 1) You shall have no other Doctors before me. You shall not make for yourself a meal in the form of anything in solid state or that which does not smell of poo or in the waters of an unconnected disciple. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your Doctor, am a joint-hating Doctor, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand centipedes of those who love me and keep my commandments.

2) You shall not misuse the name of the DOCTOR your God, for the DOCTOR will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.

3) Remember the Shitbath day by keeping it hole-y

4) Six days you shall slink about and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Shitbath to the DOCTOR your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your feeder or feedee, nor your animals, nor the alien within your chain. For in six days the DOCTOR made the centipede and the chain, the sustinence, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the DOCTOR blessed the Shitbath day and made it hole-y.

5) Honor your front link and your behind link, so that you may live long in the land the DOCTOR your God is giving you.

6) You shall not mffmlrff.

7) You shall not commit centipederasty.

8) You shall not steal your Doctor's surgical implements.

9) You shall not give false taste-amony against your neighboring link.

10) You shall not covet your neighbor's dispensary. You shall not covet your neighbor's elbows, or his manservant or maidservant, her box or his donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighborlink." --The CentiProphet

[Speaking of the HC, did you guys see how Colbert totally made a joke about it on the Emmys last night? I think I fell over from joy and despair, because I see that TK's evil plan to inflict that thing on everybody has succeeded.]

3. Hello, jM. Look at your panda, now back to me, now back at your panda, now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me, but if he stopped eating plants like a wuss and switched to salmon, he could smell like he's me. Look down, back up, where are you? You're in a basement with the bear your bear could smell like. What's in your hand, back at me. I have it, it's an oyster with two silk scarves for that cage you love. Look again, the scarves are now massage oil. Anything is possible when your bear smells like old salmon and not a wuss who can't procreate. I'm eating a horse." --Grizzly S. Bear

[And with that, I impose a moratorium on the Old Spice comments for the EE. They're great, but we're dangerously close to oversaturation.]

[You might need to take a look at this post and the ensuing comment thread to get it, but it's definitely worth it. ]

2. I'm smelling a trend in today's Trade News, but I can't quite put my finger on it. --branded

You can put your finger on it, but you have to take her to dinner and a movie first. --coveredinbees

[Welcome back, coveredinbees. Missed ya.]

[And now...our #1. It was on the post where Dan Carlson asked for votes for his panel to be included in SXSW and promised cookies in return. Did you vote? Were you a true Pajiban and lay down your vote for him? DO IT. Though it might be too late now. Anyway, the comment!]

1. JUST SO YOU KNOW...

DAN CARLSON IS A LYING LIAR WHO LIES. THERE ARE NO COOKIES! THERE'S NOT EVEN ANY OF THAT DISGUSTING PREMADE ROLL OF DOUGH IN HIS FRIDGE. HE FULLY INTENDS TO USE ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR VOTES, AND THEN DISCARD YOU LIKE A USED FEMININE PRODUCT! THAT'S RIGHT! DON'T BELIEVE HIS HALF-TRUTHS AND DECEPTIONS!! HE LURES YOU IN WITH THE PROMISE OF DELICIOUS COOKIES (WHICH DON'T EXIST!!), AND THEN DASHES ALL YOUR HOPES. HE MAY EVEN LAUGH RIGHT IN YOUR FACE, BECAUSE HE LIES AND HE LOVES TO DO IT!! HE ENJOYS THE PAIN HIS LIES CAUSE, AND I'M SURE HE MADE UP THIS WHOLE SXSW THING JUST SO HE COULD LIE TO US SOME MORE.

HE IS A DECEIVER!! TRUST HIM AT YOUR OWN PERIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, he's adorable, much like you think the koala is adorable right before it turns into a furious ball of claws and murderous rage. --Smokin

****

BAM! I think it was a combination of the screaming from the usually quiet and calm Smokin, the rage at the cookie LIES, and the image of a koala that did it. And the tampon reference. Fuck it, it was all brilliant. One hilarious mess of a comment. Bask in its awesome ("wait! That's not a word!" "Say it!") awesomenosity.

Just one more thing before we go: I know that I sometimes miss a good comment, because as I said before, I am not perfect (contrary to popular opinion and myth). So I always appreciate when people point out a comment they liked, or you can even just paste it in the comments here.

See ya next week.

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX, and she is no longer as melty. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter .



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