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First Amendment Side Effects

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Eloquent Eloquence | December 28, 2010 |


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As I said in the previous Anti-Eloquents post, I get an email for each and every comment posted on my articles, and because I am both masochistic and obscenely grateful, I read every single one of the thousands that come into my inbox. There needs to be a special list though of the most magnificently insane comments of the year. I'm not talking about the brilliant and eloquent madness on display by many regular commenters, but the kind of madness that really might be served by a long institutionalization. I'm talking about the guy who writes 500 words about why CSI is better than NCIS in a four month dead comment thread. Or the guy who insists that he built a flying saucer and wants to know if we are interested.

And that's not even getting into the Top Shot trade news post which a bunch of non-Pajibans somehow decided was a place to talk about the show as it aired over the summer.

Here's to you and your favorite anti-psychotic medication.


This was posted to the Forbidden Planet Remake trade news post six months after the fact.

I wrote a sequel. Since I have no chance in hell of ever selling it,here's the gist: at the end of FP, they push the plunger and leave and the planet blows up. Unbenownst to them, there were Krell in suspended animation deep below the surface, and the activating the destruction autoawakens them and the machinery lofts them away from the planet before the big boom. In an E.E.Smithian way, the Krell have been stuffed into a giant ship containing most of their technologies. They know their home was destroyed and they want to know who and why, and they track and follow the Earth ship back...only, they have the awesome power of the Krell machines backing them, and are pissed. Though they no longer have the enormous power sources the installation on the homeworld had, they develop newer, more compact, and more powerful sources, so they're going to be formidable. The Earth ship however is bringing back records of the Krell technology and even while in flight to Earth, they're cracking into it and too developing a more modern version. So the ground is set for a big confrontation. Maybe even monster against monster, maybe even the ability to fling monsters long distances through shields...
-Walt Dismal


This comment was posted to the Paranormal Activity trailer post a year after the fact. I can't comfortably provide any response except to point out that the commenter is "M. Gibson."

The average white person isn?t going to walk away from equity, ghosts/demons notwithstanding. But let too many black people move into a neighborhood and whites abandon their homes/investments faster than you can say Boo! In the movie Gremlins, a white housewife defends her kitchen and the sanctity of her home from a horde of 3ft tall demons with the giggles; and for what? In too many movies white teens go to the library to research the phenomenon in an attempt to understand the nature of the haunting. In most cases they combat the evil with an enchanted blade they dug up- a spell or ritual designed to vanquish the malevolent spirit from old parchment found on a farm. Whites are pro-active in horror movies, for they harbor a world-view of things. So if we don?t stop the evil now, the horror will be unleashed, affecting the whole world.

Whites are simply too rational/brave in the movies for my tastes, for in real life whites do all they can to avoid bad areas of the hood-lest something terrible happen to them. Nevertheless, they will brave ghosts- demons, phantasms and the like with all that is within them; drumming up the courage to face the evil head-on. Usually but not always it?s in the defense of a white damsel. Whites go to the movies to feel good about themselves and to see themselves represented on the big screen. They have a built-in, almost biological empathy for each other that allows them to care for the protagonist. That?s where the money is and that?s the demographic filmmakers specifically target. It?s simply how Hollywood operates.

I?ll tell you one thing, as a 53 year-old black man; if my house upped-n-told me to leave, it wouldn?t have to tell me twice. Equity be damned. This movie is about all of the things black people wouldn't do in same situation. The money needed to install cameras all through the house could better be spent on rims.

-Michael Gibson


This comment was to my review of Braveheart, 8 months after the fact.

why cant all you people just watch the movie for what it is i read all this nonsense about this didnt happen and that didnt happen for real its a movie its supposed to be entertaining and that it is. If they wrote the movie on the real events as acurately as they could then it wouldnt have been any where near as well receaved as it was. why cant you all just watch the movie and appreciate what it is and that its a great movie tells a great story and should make every scot proud of who they are and where theyve come from. Movies like BRAVEHEART will live on forever all i can now say is FREEDOM!!!!!!
-william


This was posted on the Smurf Leaked Image trade news posts several months after the fact.

These cute little things will eat you alive while you sleep, first, they find an opening that they can crawl into and then start hacking away on your insides until the pain of internal bleeding wakes you up, just in time to die before you can call 911 because by now, they are tearing apart your brains and eating them with peanut butter. -Psycho Barbie



In late 2009 I wrote a tongue-in-cheek positive review of NCIS. Four months after it went up, this dissertation was posted in the comments on why NCIS sucks, CSI is awesome, and I am an idiot. It was posted under the name Gil Grissom, because of course it was:

--"The characterization feeds into humor, an element usually lacking in
procedurals. So much of the episodes end up being the banter and
interplay between the agents, the sort of interactions that grow more
meaningful the more episodes that you see."--

And you obviously haven't watched any of the CSI you act like you know
about. I'm talking about original CSI (Vegas), the other spinoffs feel
like the studio blew up at some point, killing the cast, and they
simply carried on filming the next season with different actors in the
same roles. CSI had the right amount of banter, and even mixed it up
with one sided encounters (Gil refuses to react to a shock comment, or
lab girl_001 scoffs off a lame pickup line). If I didn't know what I
was reading from the start, I could have mistook you for talking about
CSI. Guess you should have done your homework. Moving on:

---"It draws upon that humor most when it?s at its most serious,
taking to heart that lesson of storytelling that humor makes drama more
acute, that if you remove humor from drama you?re not left with
something more dramatic, but rather something entirely somber."---

I'd like you to attempt to rephrase that, because it made no sense at
all. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. As for humor in a
dramatic situation, again they would have gotten that from Horatio, CSI
Miami. I don't care for him, but he is pretty much only known for his
mandatory episode-opening one-liners. But you did state that you never
watched anything before NCIS.

---"And the humor is needed because this show makes a point of fucking
with its characters more like a Joss Whedon franchise than a Law &
Order clone. Over the six year run, two main characters died in cliff
hangers along with a multitude of recurring guest stars"---

So you did watch CSI? What, you're talking about NCIS? But that
description fits CSI EXACTLY. Imagine that.

---"and that?s not even getting into the glorious emotional
traumas."---

Totally original.
Nick Stokes gets buried alive by a deranged 'admirer'.
Sarah, victimized by the miniature killer, becomes part of a planned
crime scene, which results in her resignation from the team.
Warrick is framed for the murder of a hooker.
Warrick is murdered.
The list goes on.

---"The goth girl with tats, heavy metal and thigh-high boots."---

This is what killed the show for me. The very first time I saw her, and
learned that she was a regular character, I was done.

It's hard to find the words to describe how ridiculously cliché and
transparent this character is. She has the maturity level and fashion
sense of a high school girl from the 1980's. Is that supposed to
inspire confidence? And I hate to burst your bubble, but men are sick,
she dresses S&M, and, in real life, the father-daughter relationship
would almost certainly end up with them fucking.

---"Is it a great show? No"---

Perhaps the only fact on this entire page. All the rest of your
rambling continued to vaguely describe CSI. Including your implication
that it's fresh and original. It's not.

I'd like you leave you with a closing thought; Fuck you.

-Gil Grissom



I think this might actually be a poem:

The long rich Cameron is as good as covering,
like the rest of Hollywood, for the --MOST--
awesomely genocidal regime in history --ACROSS
the Pacific --even on this --the once again
'mysteriously overlooked' 60th Anniversary of
the epically relevant, STILL unfolding --ongoing
nightmare that IS ---the KOREAN WAR...

-tiger tim
(Last Train from Hiroshima Trade News, 3 months later)


The following post was on the Forbidden Planet trade news post (what the hell was with that post, it got the crazies and the spambots) and also included a full resume, which I didn't repost here since it actually looks like a real resume. The website the guy entered is just google.com, so it's not spam. It's just gloriously insane.


Dear Sir:
Several years ago I came with the idea for a better VSTOL air craft that could support the C 130 Hercules. Oh, by the way, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Harrison R Skeete Jr. I was born in a UK country. So I am a British citizen. But that's not why I am ahere today. I am here to tell you about a Space transport that is capable of traveling at supersonic speeds pass mach 36. The ability to travel in low orbital space around the earth at 25,000 mph. The space craft I designed was a Forbidden flying saucer look alike space craft. It was powered by lightning field of current generated by matter and anti-matter to create the vacuum principle that raises the space craft.

Red light for landing (lightning) of amplified light as i call it from a photon to a amp photon x a million called a positron. A positron the size of a basketball. Its power is designated by the color of its field. Red is the lowest, green is highest. As in a TV red, green, and blue are mixed for varying the speeds of the crafts.

Well anyway I would like to ask you if your interested let me know.

-Michael Loki

Michael, I think I speak for all of us when I say that we would like to place an order for your flying saucer immediately.



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