Pajiba

Number 7? That's it? Clearly you are not being objective in this, and you might as well call it the favorite comments, not the best. I demand either a retraction, a lengthy dissertation in defense of your (obviously flawed) selection criteria, or that someone slip a roofie into my yogurt and knock me the fuck out.

This is nothing short of a slap in the face, Prisco, and I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT.

"Nature is plotting it's bitter revenge against"

"it's" should be "its."

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll shit your pants with cheap burgers and multi-colored beverages. Our two heroes steal the motorcycle of Beatrix Kiddo to go kill an artist at the Philadelphia Fringe Festival who's juggling puppies over a woodchipper in order to create a Jackon Pollack/Hieronymous Bosch homage. But a detour to the armpit of the nation, PA's shore, New Jersey, gets them in heat with the authorities for a) trying to pump their own gasoline, b) smuggling contraband inside a person's cavities and c) not paying the toll to leave. New Jersey: You Can Get Here For Free, But To Leave It'll Cost You. Their only hope is to use the unholy power of Bea Arthur's brass balls to destroy the two fucks writing the parody version of the movie that they are currently making. Now. Not, then, but now. When will now be now? Soon.

Sheer brilliance. That movie needs to be made.

MO...reading your comment, again, made me snort and giggle...and those aren't easy to do at the same time. Great kudos to you, and much respect for stepping down. So on that note...

Congrats Bibliogeek! You earned that movie!

There, there, TK, it'll all be alright. Just have yourself another cup o'Dunkies and think happy thoughts.

And grab me a sugar raised while you're at it.

I would pay good money to watch Shadows and PissBoy ride a motorcycle together. It would be so sweetly homoerotic.

Ummm...duh...Julie...that's what sidecars are for...PissBoy is totally not my type.

Which one of y'all would get to drive (if you know what I mean, and I think you do, wink, wink)?

Stop mocking our completely straight man-love! We just like going on adventures together!

That's what I was just wondering Kolby...who would be in the front? :p PissBoy already owns a motorcycle, so I'm assuming Shadows will be the stradler.

I am howling at the image.

Dang, where is TK with my donut?

What?!! No freakin' way! Shucks, y'all just made my day here. Sorry 'bout the monitor, Prisco dear.

Gosh, too bad I took myself out of the running for a really nice Emmy, though....Wait, the prize was an M. Night Shyamalan film? Whew! Dodged a bullet there!

BiblioGeek and Stacey, well-deserved win--that exchange made me laugh the second time around as much as it did the first!

Oh, and fuck Jersey and their no pumping rules. On Easter Sunday I had some douchebag hold my debit card hostage until I gave him my phone number. That is not the way to my heart, fellas. That is the way to me raking my nails across your tiny balls.

Julie, can I ask for an explanation of what exactly you are talking about? I know Jersey is weird, but I am not near there and I am slightly confused by this no pumping rule.

Reading this shit all together makes my head hurt. It's like following a dude with schizophrenia for a day.

Kolby, there will be no donuts until the leadership of the site accepts that they are incorrect in their assessment of what is a good comment, and gives my comment the recognition it deserves, instead of playing to the masses by simply choosing the "popular" comments.

My comment can, through a painstakingly unnecessary system of ranking and research, be empirically proven to be better than the other comments, and therefore deserves the appropriate recognition.

Until then: NO DONUTS FOR ANYONE!

Also, Melody, Jersey gas stations are only full serve, no self serve. It's reason #185,439,375 why Jersey fucking blows.

Hee...Melody In New Jersey it is illegal to pump your own gas, all stations are full service, so you have to let an attendant do it.

Brian,

I don't know if you live in Philly or not, but there is a new Sonic in my neighborhood. It's located near Limerick, PA, just off 422 at the the Royersford exit (turn left and go to Ridge Pike Road and then turn right).

Just thought you might like to know.

I believe I have sufficiently beat the fuck out of that joke, and will now lay it to rest.

Not the Jersey jokes, though. That shit is eternal.

I always wondered about that NJ law - is it because the state knows its own people are

a) too stupid to pump their own gas?
b) going to steal all the gas?

I'm sure there's some way this can all be worked out, TK, in a way through which everyone is happy and joyful. Or at least in a way that gets me a sugar raised.

Oops. In the directions above I should have said turn right off 422 and then turn left onto Ridge Pike Road (If you are coming from Philly). If you are driving east on 422, the other directions I gave are fine.

Will, seriously? I thought that Sonics were a myth, I have never seen one in PA. If I ate fast food I'd be heading to Royersford right now.

Cindy, I think the Jersey no pump (heh) law is there to prevent people from pulling a Zoolander and spraying each other with gasoline in a sunburned Mack and Manco pizza/Kors Brothers ice cream induced mania.

a) too stupid to pump their own gas?
b) going to steal all the gas?

Mostly the former, I think. I wanna say this was in Pajiba Love recently, but it could've been anywhere.

http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/15455

So self-service gas pumps are detrimental to the New Jersey citizenry?

What the hell is wrong with that state? Here in the South, you are going to have one hell of a time finding a full-service gas station. I think that I have only seen one in about a 400 mile radius.

Seriously, that is some deranged stuff.

Actually Julie, the Jersey no-pump law (giggle) is in place to prevent residents (driven suicidal from the inherent despair that comes with living in Jersey) from spraying gasoline everywhere in an effort to set the state on fire.

No, really. That's why. I read it somewhere.

Stop mocking our completely straight man-love! We just like going on adventures together!

Shadows, I feel very strongly that you should have that printed on a t-shirt. On two t-shirts, actually; one for you and one for PissBoy. And take a great number of photographs while wearing them. And possibly film it. While drunk...and high. In public. Somewhere stupid, like a mall, or maybe an amusement park. I also feel that you should both be wearing the shorts from the Wham! video for Wake Me Up Before You Go Go. And maybe you should do that dance, too. You know, the one where George Michael and That Other Dude Who Married That Chick From Bananarama flail their arms around like Ronald in Can't Buy Me Love when he's doing that African tribal dance? Feathered hair would be good, also. I feel this is a perfectly reasonable request, and if you are any kind of friend, you will make it happen.

Jersey terrifies me.

Is this rational? Are others scared of Jersey?

Oregon also doesn't let you pump your own gas, but it's reason #185,439,375 why we kick ass. Except for when I'm in a hurry.

I'm not scared of New Jersey. Then again, I've only been to the nice(ish) parts and I am currently living in the armpit of New York, so my opinion may be skewed a bit.

And Julie, Sonic is not fast food - it's good food, quickly.

Stupid question - so do you have to tip the gas-pumper person?
Because that would add an extra layer of daft.

I hate you, Sarina...that's how I know we're friends.

Looking for a T-shirt place now...

My sweet little mutant of a boyfriend is from Jersey and I had to teach him how to pump gas. Other things I had teach him:

1) Arithmetic

2) Verbs

3) That "fuckin' duckin" is not acceptable to say in a business setting.

4) How to pronounce wa·ter not war·der

5) No, Jersey's pizza is not as good as New York's. No.

6) Basic hygiene

7) That where he lives isn't a state so much as a landfill with electricity.

8) That(and this is a lie, so don't tell him) one day Jersey could be considered New York's cousin(the kind that can't be left alone with small animals) if they can ever find 5 people that can spell "cousin" without having a psychotic break.

It's amazing what two years and a chalkboard can accomplish.

JM, that comment made my day. It is a well-known fact that Jersey is the most polluted state in the country.

That should say something.

How does New Jersey have a Dunkin Dounts and I don't?

My state is all natural and outdoorsy.

I am sad now. Stupid Krispy Kreme.

Ah, I stand corrected Kolby. And no Tarn, you don't have to tip them. :)

Sarina, PB&SoD should also be wearing sweat bands around their wrists. And jellies.

Men look darling in jellies.

MO -- I never hated you. You had me at pajiba.

(In reply to the earlier thread. I'd gone home, where Pajiba does not exist.)

Julie, they should also have fanny packs to carry so that their Aqua Net is never out of reach.

I hate you, Sarina...that's how I know we're friends.

You know, I get that a lot. I'm guessing this surprises no one.

I suddenly have a very clear picture (well, as clear as can be considering I don't know what they look like) of Pissboy and Shadows relaxing in loungechairs, watching Thelms & Louise, with a bucket of Slim Jims between them and tears streaming down their faces.

Make that Thelma & Louise, and the daydream is complete.

Ripping on Jersey? What a novel idea. Ha. These jokes are so funny. SO FUNNY. And they keep getting funnier every time they're told. EVERY TIME.

jM, I can spell "cousin". Look, no psychotic break!

I can also spell "eat me" and "sit on a thumbtack."

I'd say something horrible about Jersey but I spent my first visit there in the south of it, and there's a bird and butterfly migratory route and there were monarch butterflies absolutely everywhere, fluttering all over on thier journey south.

It was kind of like paradise.

I used to work with a guy from Jersey and I always told the same joke just to piss him off:

What's the difference between Jersey girls and trash?

Trash gets picked up.

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all night...try the veal.

with a bucket of Slim Jims between them and tears streaming down their faces.

Ha! They wouldn't be watching Thelma and Louise though, I have it on full authority that one of PissBoy's favorite movies is Beaches.

And David, don't get all in a tizzy. Much of my family lives in Jersey. I mock because I love dearly.

Judging by the comments, I'm guessing Jersey gets picked on like we pick on Newfies. Except that Newfoundland is clean and pretty. It's just also very rural. And the newfies have funny accents.

Julie,

I'm not in a tizzy. I just wanted to show you I could spell.

:)

And the newfies have funny accents.

So do folks from Jersey.

Damnit David...but I like tizzies! :p

David - I think my home state (Florida) has taken over the top spot as the go-to state for the rest of America to make fun of. So, you know, at least you're not #1. Anymore.

Kolby, my favorite American accents are from Minnesota. I had a layover in Minneapolis once, and every time the loudspeaker would come on me and my best friend would crack up...don't cha know.

They were glorious...I wish people in Philly talked like that, I would never be in a bad mood.

Aw, it's cute when the Jerseyites get all offended. Lookit the little feller, all rising to the bait and gettin' outraged.

Seriously, it's a pile of shit shaped like a state. It's a scientific fact. Proven by doctologists.

Though Kolbo is right - Florida's worse.

Bah, Jersey's not that bad...depending on what part you live in. The North is kinda rich, and a little snobby, but they have great colleges there. Central is mostly the shore, so really you have to be careful where you live there because not only do you get all the tourists during the summer, and they tend to move into the developments always springing up there. South is a mixed bag, parts of it are really nice and parts of it are so south that you forget you're above the Mason Dixon line.

But not all Jersey people are assholes and loudmouths...I for one am indeed a loud mouth, but I think I'm more of an arrogant prick than an asshole, and that makes all the difference in the world.

People here haven't been to Sonic? There's a Sonic on every corner in Texas towns. The food is total crap (except for the o-rings, cheese tots and chili-cheese coneys). Go for the drinks, which totally rock! You can create your own from a buttload of flavor choices, making like 90 trillion possible drink combinations. I like Chocolate Cherry Diet Coke. And Cherry Vanilla Cream Dr. Pepper is a good one, too. And most importantly, many of the Route 44 (A.K.A. BIG-ASS) sized flavored limeades and slushes are fantastic with your liquor of choice! You won't need another drink for the rest of the day (or night, if you're into the whole "I don't drink at work" thing...square!) Most Sonics have a 2-hour Happy Hour during the day where drinks are half off. This is the balls!

Whoa...I'm totally gonna pitch that comment as their next advertising campaign. I even have a slogan: Sonic - Our food sucks, but our drinks are the balls!

"sit on a thumbtack."

[checks the year to make sure it's not the 1950's...]

Phew! Close one. Thought I might not be able to sit in the front of a bus.

David, it's all in jest. Obviously, I can't hate Jersey that much if I'm willing to date someone from there. (Please, for the sake of my dignity, don't let that get out)

Julie, I don't talk like that. Then again, no matter where I go, people ask me where I'm from. I seem to have a completely unidentifiable accent. Or maybe I have no accent at all? I'm not really sure. I sure as hell never listen when I talk, I can tell you that much.

Florida has pretty much morphed into the gathering area for some of the weirdest people/things.

I think that the state should blame MTV and Spring Break shows for starting it. Wasn't Florida somewhat sane before that?

TK, I'll have you know that Florida is the bestest state ever! And don't you forget it! So what if we've got gators crossing the streets and cockroaches the size of your penis? We also have asshole tourists and angry old ladies in golfcarts!

See? Everything evens out in the end!

I have it on full authority that one of PissBoy's favorite movies is Beaches.

Whew...I'm glad you said it was PissBoy's favorite. Uh...cuz NOT ME! UH UH...ALL MAN HERE! THAT'S RIGHT! Don't even know what it's about! Or who's in it! Or if Barbara Hershey lives and Bette Midler gets all sad and reminiscent!

{oh sweet Whitney...you were taken from us too soon...sniff...sniff...}

I can't even tell you how many times people asked me if I was from Michigan when I was living in Florida. I would tell them that no, I was not from Michigan, had never been to Michigan, and wouldn't know what a Michigan accent sounded like enough to fake it. They never believed I was from New York, because I didn't sound like I was from Brooklyn. It's amazing how many people don't realize that there's this WHOLE STATE attached to New York City, with millions of people who live here and speak without "typical" New York accents.

Oh, and I'd gladly trade a Dunkin Donuts for a Krispy Kremes. We had one up here, and it went bust...I want to pull a Donaghy on the Arbys that supplanted the former home of my New York CheeseCake donut.

Julie I am a Zoolander virgin, and I intend to keep it that way - as much fun as that scene sounds. I just can't stomach that idiot Stiller. Odd thing is that I love his parents.

Jay Who knew a wild guess could hit so close to the mark?

Damn, that's a big cockroach.

Sorry, I'll show myself out.

"...New York CheeseCake donut..."

The hell? That sounds revolting. I bet it tastes like diabetes.

Well, I clearly know it's all in jest. No need to coddle me, I'm a big boy. I mean really big. Like huge.

And single now too. Just wanted to, ya know, throw that out there.

Kolby, you also have to remember that Florida (mostly up in the Panhandle) also has some of the stupidest people east of the Mississippi River. In terms of pure pig-ignorance, a North Floridian beats out people from rural Ohio and even northern Alabama.

Of course, there are isolated pockets of concentrated stupidity scattered all about the state, but it seems to be more prevalent up near FSU.

[I think he's trying to tell us that he's fat]

I am from a state that doesn't really have a distinct accent of any type sandwiched inbetween two cities with very heavy accents...

Connecticut doesn't have much going for it in the accent department, us Nutmegers are unlucky

go 2 hours in either direction though and you hit NYC and Boston

and I am currently getting my northern accent fill in NH here

and in 3 weeks I will be in England, a whole nother set of regional accents to figure out!

Awww, you guys, you gotta go easy on the poor Floridians. They're all broken because they live under the Iron Fist of the Mouse.

Of course, there are isolated pockets of concentrated stupidity scattered all about the state, but it seems to be more prevalent up near FSU.

I think I love you.

Ahem, Go Gators.

Sarina, surprisingly not. I was skeptical at first, but it was actually quite good. That's just me know, sometimes I enjoy the weird, which is why I miss Pepsi Twist. (Or maybe it was Barry Bostwick getting work in the commercials...could someone get full seasons of Spin City on to goddamn DVD already?)

I'm sorry Mike R., but I don't believe in donuts or Pepsi.

Oddly enough, all of these comments have me longing to pack my bags and jump on the AC Expressway, stat. Mack's pizza! *sob* (Sam's is better, though, especially now that they rebuilt with cement instead of wood.)

Servo, July 5th. Come hell or high water.

Fucking hell. I swear, there's like FIVE foods that Sarina believes in. Jesus. The hell do you eat, woman?

Jersey may have full-serve-only gas, Dunkin Donuts, and weird accents, but we also have one other thing none of you other states can claim...

The Statue of Liberty! That's right, it's in New Jersey.

Oh and regarding Florida - that's the only state with its own tag on fark.com. Right up there with Stupid, Assinine, Obvious, and Scary.

'nuff said.

d'oh - "Asinine"

Florida could totally kick New Jersey's ass. All that heat & humidity makes people do crazy things.

All this talk about food is driving me crazy! All I have in my fridge is unidentifiable meat, chunky milk (soon to be cheese), an empty bottle of tequila, film, and condiments. Now, what goes better with Fuji film? Soy sauce or grape jelly?

Shadows, your favorite movie is The Notebook, ADMIT IT.

Sarina I am completely disheartened that you don't talk like the Marge from Fargo...every time you complain about cake, I add a don'tchaknow to the end of your rants. Damn...the world is a sadder place today.

Of course, there are isolated pockets of concentrated stupidity scattered all about the state, but it seems to be more prevalent up near FSU.

I thought that the majority of the stupidity was near the UM campus.

Maybe both areas have an equal concentration of stupidity?

Servo, July 5th. Come hell or high water.

Hell yes Nicole!! You're lucky we're sharing only a bunk bed, I get a little handsy when I'm drunk off of saltwater, boardgames, and margaritas.

All conversations on Pajiba eventually devolve into regionalisms, food critique, or regional food critique.

I LOVE YOU PEOPLE.

And for the records, Sonic drinks (particularly Cherry Limeade - so tart and tasty!) are made of one part crack, one part unicorn sweat, and one part hopeful dreams of Broadway musical theater orphans. You will want to burst into song.

I dare you to drink one and not crave it fortnightly, especially during this apocalyptic ballsweat-like summer.

Kolby: Sure, in the summer Floridians would have a fighting chance, but give them any other season besides "ass hot" and it all goes Stalingrad, baby.

are made of one part crack, one part unicorn sweat, and one part hopeful dreams of Broadway musical theater orphans.

Bwa!!!

We don't have many DDs around Texas that I know of, but Krispy Kreme is awesome! I agree that the New York Cheescake donut is really good. It's like a tender lump of stroke filled with a creamy glob of diabetes with just a little bit of heart attack sprinkled on top. Mmmmmm..... I like the Chocolate Iced Custard Filled the best, though. The more you cram in/on a donut, the more I like it!

Fucking hell. I swear, there's like FIVE foods that Sarina believes in. Jesus. The hell do you eat, woman?

TK, you know perfectly well that it's pretty much just overly sweet foods that I don't believe in. Here are the non-sweet foods that I will refuse to eat:

1. Oatmeal

2. Capers

3. Lutefisk

4. Creamed vegetables

I'm not a picky eater at all, honest, I'm just crazy weird about sweet stuff.

PS - Are sweet potatoes considered a sweet food or not? Because I don't believe in them, but I've never been quite sure if it's because they're too sweet or because they're empirically disgusting.

Julie...Beaches. Beaches? BEACHES?!! You shut your suck and never let those words slip twixt your lips ever again, lest I be forced to flagellate you with a cat o'nines made from red rope licorice and shoelaces from an old pair of Eastlands. Shadows can watch since he is obviously the George Michael to my Andrew Ridgeley. And as far as riding the motorcycle is concerned...I would drive. Not because Shadows is obviously a submissive bottom, or because I am a top, or even because I already have the motorcycle and the short-shorts covered...no, none of that. It's simply because I'm confident that driving other people around is what Andrew Ridgeley does for a living now. Possibly in a cab, but no better than an airport shuttle. "The other guy from Wham!." Indeed. Being the other guy from Wham is like being the 2nd Assistant Sound Editor/483rd man on the set of "The Houston 500" in that, sure, you're more than willing to allude to the fact that you'd done something like that at one point in your life, but yeah, not too many people really know who you are no matter how many times they've seen it, and that's a good thing, so you're better off going unnoticed.

And...congrats to the winners...but most of all congrats to me and Shadows for taking the title! The title! That's my second one! Eff the top ten you. You see Shadow's and PissBoy's names first! And next to a Sonic logo no less!!! That's like taking a picture with Isla Fisher and she says "Hey...why don't you go ahead and tongue my boob when the flash goes off!"

"I agree that the New York Cheescake donut is really good. It's like a tender lump of stroke filled with a creamy glob of diabetes with just a little bit of heart attack sprinkled on top. Mmmmmm..... I like the Chocolate Iced Custard Filled the best, though."

That's... I... I don't... How do... Why...?

WHY??!!???

...

...

Did you know that it is possible to sob and vomit at the same time? It hurts, though. Don't try it at home, kids.

Sarina, the technical term is "sobbit."

Sarina, I'm almost 100% with you on that list. I hate the texture of oatmeal. Yeah, fuck you Grandma and your oatmeal cookies! I believe that capers are Satan's boogers. I have no desire to even guess what lutefisk(?) is and creamed vegetables are for babies since they are not smart enough to know better.

But, alas, I love sweet potatoes.

What's this talk of a Michigan accent? It doesn't exist. We are perhaps the most boring-sounding state in the nation. Although I have had my theories that in Tennessee there would be a reverse affect rending my non-regional dialect into teh hawtness.
In regards to Krispy Kreme, there were a few golden years when they blessed us with their presence but I think it slowly faded away. We have Tim Horton's everywhere and even some Dunkin's. Clearly we have an enormous market for fried dough.
Lastly, people speak in hushed tones of a Sonic coming to our shores. We have been barraged by a salvo of advertising that was obviously designed to weaken our defenses. If the rumors are true, it'll be a 2 hour drive to get there.
And worth every minute.

"I hate the texture of oatmeal. Yeah, fuck you Grandma and your oatmeal cookies!"

I suppose I should have been more specific. I don't always hate oatmeal. I actually like the flavour of oatmeal, but I have texture issues with it. I like granola bars with oatmeal and I like oat bread and cold, crunchy cereal with oat grains in it, and I even like oatmeal cookies. I just goddamn can't stand wet, soggy, mushy, hot oatmeal. It looks like cat vomit. I also hate Cream of Wheat, which looks like baby spit-up.

Strangely, I love split pea soup, which looks like something expelled from the backside of a baby with cholera.

PissBoy and Beaches, sittin in a tree
S-O-B-B-I-N-G
First comes love, then comes marriage
Then comes a saccharine love song that reflects a lifetime of friendship and heroic eagles or some such shit and oh! I can't believe that Barbara Hershey and her collagen couldn't fight that heart infection whatever will CC DO without her FRIEND?

...give them any other season besides "ass hot" and it all goes Stalingrad, baby.

Hate to break it to you, but "ass hot" is the only season. We have DRY ass hot, and WET ass hot. Oh, sure, there's a few days in January where you can't wear shorts, but those are easily forgotten when you're blinded by the steam rising from the streets a few days later.

And I also do not believe in capers. They are disgusting and I refuse to eat anything that contains them. Capers might be the only reason why I wouldn't have hot, hot sex with Giada DiLaurentiis. She seems to fucking love them, and probably keeps a jar by her bedside.

:...whatever will CC DO without her FRIEND?"

Perform a sad memorial tribute concert which generates a minimum of four hit singles, making her even more of an eccentric gajillionaire, and go on to raise little Victoria to become the best bitch she can be. Also, get another huge dog, name him Arthur II, and hopefully train him to avoid motor vehicles.

DUH.

Gawd, why do I gotta 'splain everything?

That's like taking a picture with Isla Fisher and she says "Hey...why don't you go ahead and tongue my boob when the flash goes off!"

This was full of so much awesomeness my head just exploded. Just for this statement, I ccan ignore the rest of what you said.

Except for the TITLE! HELL YEAH! I didn't even think of that! We won, beyond #1! Shadows and PissBoy take home the platinum, baby!

roses are red
violets are I heard Shadows and Pissboy like to play the occasional game of "just the tip".

My mom was born in Florida and raised in rural Ohio, where does that leave her? Thank god she had enough good sense to marry a Canadian and move us to Toronto.

All this talk of donuts is making me want Tim Horton, mmmmmmm timbits. If you have yet to learn about the sweet sweet doughy goodness of Tim Hortons and their timbits, well I really feel for you!

Feramones, that made me pee a little.

I am firm in the belief that capers were the root cause of my engagement ending a few years ago. Not my ex's fault, but her mother's. Everything had capers in it. Soup. Capers. Steak. Crushed capers on top. Spaghetti sauce...fucking capers. And she had this sick obsession with butter squash and swiss chard. What the fuck? What kind of italian are you woman? Marinating chicken in italian dressing is NOT an italian recipe. Last time I checked, celery was NOT reduced in a pan and added to spaghetti sauce. And I should know cuz I'm fucking Irish and Polish.

...And the sauce is not fucking called GRAVY!! Gravy is brown and comes in a boat...sort of like an illegal from Cuba, except you put this on your mashed potatoes and turkey.

roses are red
violets are I heard Shadows and Pissboy like to play the occasional game of "just the tip".

I can now be called Pissgirl.

jM...so can I call you?

PB are you trying to make me choke on my Snickers ice cream cone?

celery was NOT reduced in a pan and added to spaghetti sauce

EW! That is an outright crime against spaghetti sauce. I like capers, but I only use them in my chicken piccata. I make a MEAN chicken piccata. But...so could my half blind uncle. It's really easy.

And yes, sauce Nicole, you Italian wench.

Oh my goodness jM and PissBoy, when you guys spawn, will you please please pretty please name your offspring PissBaby?

Twenty bucks says that PissBaby's first word is something like "cockring."

Pissboy, we can meet up if you bring your short-shorts.

Something tells me that would start the kid off in a really awkward spot in daycare. Because kids like to make fun of other kids names sometimes. Like Bart=Fart. Bob=Slob(especially of lil Bobby's a drooler) Jeanie=weenie. I dunno 'PissBaby'...there's something there i can't quite place my finger on that might get the kids laughing at him/her. And godtopus help us if the kid actually ends up being the kid that always smells like piss and/or tunafish. He'd end up being the weird one playing alone in the block corner with a wedge'shaped block he affectionately knows as 'Artemis Blakely Woodfinch'. But it might not be all bad. The shunning by other children at an early age could breed an early sense of self-reliance, indiidualism, and creativity. Then, we could retire having a brilliant artist as our spawn. And who would buy a painting by the artist known as PissBaby?

"goo goo ga ga...cockring."

I dunno...it would make it really awkward to let him play with that set of multi-colored plastic keys. Something about the keyring being gummed on by an infant who's first word is 'cockring' just doesn't seem right.

jM Lycra or denim?

...but now that I think about it, those Fisher Price toys can serve a purpose for an adult! I need to get to Babies 'R Us and see what can be done with a bag of latex nipples and a baby swing.

Hee, jM, and his dog-eared copy of The Bridges of Madison County.

He'd end up being the weird one playing alone in the block corner with a wedge'shaped block he affectionately knows as 'Artemis Blakely Woodfinch'.

Is there something...wrong with that scenario? Because in grade school I used to confide in my Pound Puppies. They really got me, you know?

Artemis Blakely Woodfinch has been added to the list of potential names for Lil'Kolby. Don't tell my husband.

Denim, no kid of mine is growing up soft.

jM, do NOT breastfeed the PissBaby, the little tyke sounds like a nibbler.

No jM...i meant the shorts. My cockrings are made out of cast iron. I call it 'The SS Gonnagetmesome' currently sailing out of Wilmington, Delaware and docking in my pants.

But yeah...the shorts. Denim or lycra. I keep the lycra ones as a throw-back to the late 90's day-glo movement and because a cool spring breeze feels lovely from the right angles.

Pissboy, don't forget to bring back a MiniMurderTank for Pissbaby.

I need to get to Babies 'R Us and see what can be done with a bag of latex nipples and a baby swing.

For some I now have the disturbing image of you clad in leather, gently rocking a gagged and bound My Buddy doll in a baby swing. That, and now I really want to watch Ren and Stimpy.

"Cling tenaciously to my buttocks!"

Then it depends. How flexible are you? Athletic, Cirque Du Soleil, or Reed Richards?

Hell yeah I'll get on for the lil' shaver. It's a bath toy! The flame thrower shoots water! Thankfully, for mum and dad, the wet bar inside is legit so we can get sauced while clumsily dunking our newborn in the tub to get'im clean. It certainly beats te shit out of that annoying Pop'n'Pull.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that should an actual PissBaby come to fruition, there's gonna be some sort of World War down the line where we Pajibans are either forced to take it down or doomed to protect it against the military.

At least we'll go out drunk, smiling, and covered in some sort of goo...

They don't call me Mr. Fantastic for nothin' jM.

..and by 'they' I mean 'I'.

We might, however - choose to combine our collective seed in a centrifuge and create an offspring to battle the SpamBot Apocalypse. Just gotta think of a name...

Shadows of Piss?

Pookaron Boy?

Socalled Shadowboy?

SkittiPiss Dakaron?

TK Pissimax?

Insertimus DakaPook?

Shiloh?

If the goo you speak of is Krispy Kreme glaze, Skitt, sign me up!

Little PissBaby and Little KolBaby (aka Artemis Blakely Woodfinch) can have play dates and be best friends. And then grow up to take over the world together like Pinky and the Brain! Awww, that's so heartwarming.

...Skits is right, we're totally gonna hafta protect those little bastards from some kind of genetically engineered SuperSoldier clones bred specifically to bring about their destruction.

Insertimus DakaPook?

HEE!!

the wet bar inside is legit so we can get sauced while clumsily dunking our newborn in the tub to get'im clean.

Babies heads are soft for a reason. They make excellent coasters.

jM, I am living proof of that. I can balance a beer on my head just a little too well.

Jodie, why didn't you do that for me at the bar last night? >:( You know I require circus-like behavior from my drinking buddies.

It's true Jodie! She does! One time we hung out, she had my motorcycle toed away and replaced with an African Elephant wearing an ornate headpiece. It made 95 south bound a TOTAL bitch at 1 in the morning. Then I got lost taking the Bearded Lady and Pat the amazing She-He back to their place. Elephants have shitty headlights.

Jules, a girl has to have her secrets... so she can then share them with a vast audience of complete strangers on the interwebs. I can't just give it all up at once!

*towed

Best. Comment. Diversion. EVA!

...today...

...Skits is right, we're totally gonna hafta protect those little bastards from some kind of genetically engineered SuperSoldier clones bred specifically to bring about their destruction.

If any of them look like Summer Glau or Tricia Helfer we could be in trouble. Even I'd let them kneel before Zod in a heartbeat. Don't worry, Pissboy. You can watch.

Pat the Amazing She-He? Hmm.

...

So much about you makes sense now.

PissBoy,
I know Pat the Amazing She-He! I saw him-her last week, she-he told me all about this crazy drunk bastard who kept calling his motorcycle Dumbo. Suddenly it all makes sense...

I can't just give it all up at once!

Sigh...too easy.

Only watch? The continued talk about Dunkin' D's and Krispy Kreme had be wishing I could come up for air with my face looking like a glazed donut.

When I finally open my bordello, I'm naming it The Glazed Donut.

I totally volunteer to distract the Summer Glau clone...privately...

Skitt? I may need the MurderTank™ for...distracting purposes....jM...yours and Zod's presences are required...

I can't just give it all up at once!

Sigh...too easy.

Hee hee. I set 'em up, you knock 'em out of the park. It's like the dirty humor equivalent of t-ball.

Somebody has to watch little Pissbaby. Men... you think only about yourselves.

Shadows, I'll bring the candles and some WD-40 for Summer.

Make sure the sitter doesn't give him the PlaySkool keyring I left on the coffee table. We should probably pack extra clothes, the MurderTub Toy, and a bottle of Gin. Maybe I should forward my mail too. And I'll need to borrow a dollar so I can buy a soda. I'm gonna be busy for a while.

You should also probably bring some Icey Hot, a snorkel, and your health insurance card. This foursome sounds dicey.

Re: self-serve vs. full serve gas stations:

The Daily Show did a hilarious piece with Ed Helms interviewing an oil lobbyist about why New Jersey only had full serve stations. The real answer perhaps being too obvious (they charge you more money that way), the oil guy tried to explain that only in those states in which people had been trained "from infancy" to pump gas could have self-serve. Other dangers of self-serve include falling under the vehicle, setting yourself on fire, attacks by wild dogs and/or bears, and cancer. I am not making this up.

Here's the clip:
http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=114630&title=pump-my-ride

Interesting that that the full serve attendants aren't provided with any equipment to protect them from all of those dangers.

Things Of Note for Today's Comment Thread:

1. The bromance between PissBoy and Shadows.
2. PissyBaby (which, I totally thought would be mine, but alas, I like the womens a bit too much...sorry PissBoy.)
3. Sarina is a sugar-rexic.
4. Jerseyans/Jerseyites/Jerserkers clearly do not have opposable thumbs.
5. The bitch in Beaches should have died a) much sooner, b)with more screaming, and c) taking the bratty kid with her.
6. Beer balancing should be a sport. With dire consequences....dum dum DUUUUM!
7. "cockring" should be legally declared to be every babies first word. In Boo-Merica. Come with me, to my enchanted island cuntry! Where MurderTanks and wet wipes go hand in hand, creamed vegetables are used only as weapons, and everyone pumps their own everything.

Aww, gosh--thanks, phquaryn! The feeling's mutual.

Argh, went out to do field work in the rain this afternoon and now I've got a ton of Pajiba to catch up on, and no time to do it this evening...boy, am I going to be unproductive tomorrow!

A PissBaby scares me just a little. Will you at least wait until the child is a year old before you have the poor wee thing appear on P&S Tattoosday?

And yes, sauce Nicole, you Italian wench.

I now refuse to share a bunk bed with you. You can sleep on the floor.

3. Sarina is a sugar-rexic.

Now, now. I believe in sugar! You know, sometimes. I'm really picky about them, but there are sugary things that I like.

Among them:

1. Red Vines

2. Swedish Fish

3. Mike & Ikes

4. Cinnamon imperials (some people call them red hots; you're supposed to use them to, like, decorate cakes or some shit, but I just eat them by the handful until I'm moments from puking bright, lurid red and my tongue has gone completely numb)

5. Lemon chiffon cake

6. Cheesecake (NOT in donut form)

7. Squints (these are actually Dippin' Dots, but when you buy them in the grocery store they have some other dumb name that I can never remember, and one drunken night I started calling them Squints and it stuck)

8. Popsicles

I'm sure there are more, but that's what I can think of right off the top of my head right now.

Sarina...when it's easier to name off the sugary goodness that you do like instead of the ones you don't...you might be a sugar-rexic.

Just, you know...my observation...

You bastards are impossible to please.

Hmmm...Cheesecake? Yay, Sarina! Just please, for the sake of my own sanity, tell me you like Ben & Jerry's. It's physically impossible to hate every single B&J's flavour (especially since Maggie Gyllenhaal had that photoshoot where she ate the Whirled Peace).

Kolby - couldn't let the thread go without giving a little nod to a fellow Floridian. And I'm one of those rare birds - a native - so I could go on and on about the special brand of crazy we get down here.

I'd post more, but y'all scare the piss out of me. I've been reading for awhile, and still the wonderful snark leaves me snorting whatever I'm drinking and renders me speechless at the same time.

And yes, Kolby - Go Gators.

You people are crazy. I forgot why I came in here. I started reading the comments and forgot what damn thread I was on! It started off with the top ten comments and next thing I know two male Pajibans are taking suggestions on what to name the impossible love child they are going to have.

Anyhoodle, MO's comment had my name in it. Squee!

And stop taunting Sarina with sweets, people. I've tried. It won't work. The girl won't eat her birthday cake. And don't even get her started on *whispers* P-I-E *whispers*

Is this the most human we've ever seen PissBoy? All sex for procreation and trying to please his woman? Should I take this as a sign of the Apocalypse, or is it just that our Boy Pisser has been dreaming of a Lil' Pisser of his own to nurture, to mold, to shape in his own image... shit. This is bad people. BAD. Worse than Sarina trying to find something at a crappy Wedding's Sweets Table bad!

feramones, the veal is delightful.

I would like to thank MO for pulling a Katherine Haggard and allowing me to take 11th place. I also want to thank Michael Night Shamlawn for making The Crapening. And I would like to thank Your Mother. Word.

Wow, seriously? Wow. I'd just like to thank Mo for allowing this whole thing to be possible through her gracious and non-attention-grabbing preemptive concession of her hypothetical win. And, inspired by her actions to better the commenting world, I would like to forward my prize to AlabamaPink. If there's anyone who can improve the mood of someone in the hospital, it's gotta be everyone's favorite director, M. Night. I couldn't deny her the one on one time with early M. Night's special kind of genius. Plus, I looked that movie up on imdb, and Denis Leary is in it! Now that's a true gift.