Pajiba

Dammit Dustin!! By quoting Bethy you have made her the winner of the Race for Ryan by default! Pajiba is dead to me.

[stomps feet, pouts, cries, etc etc]

Ive never got here before anyone else.

Wow, It's spooky when there's no-one else here!

F

Sweet Godtopus.

Congrats, Bethy! Is it sad that I geeked out as soon as I saw the pic for this post, started hyperventilating, and that the smelling salts and bosom-heaving were a direct result of me knowing within a split second it was Ryan Reynolds?

Yeah, I thought so.

I think we should give a shoutout to my boys Skitt and PissBoy, their respective "Worst prom story=plot of Carrie" and "Crazy Muppet Fraggle Care Bear orgy" comments made me laugh the hardest this past week.

There's a new twist on the Race for Ryan! Julie...you've got your work cut out for you!

Congrats, >Bethy...and everybody who got mentioned...except for Ben...may you rot in troll hell

Jay, I heart you.

"Sackmunch" has just been added to my arsenal of profanities.

On a related note...is that really Ryan's abs? Holy crap...that picture is giving me funny feelings...

...in my pants...

I can't stop looking. Maybe if I close my eyes really tight, and wish with all my might, Mr. Kolby will look like that when he takes his shirt off tonight.

...uh, how'd that picture of my mid-section wind up as the EE lead-in? Anyone?

Shadows, I sat through 20/30 minutes of the abominable Amityville Horror remake just so I could ogle Ryan in his shirtless glory.

Geez, what a bad remake of an already stupid film. The only reason I even slightly enjoyed the original Amityville Horror was because it showed a nun ralphing out the side of her car.

I miss BSlim. He's been so quiet lately.

Wow. Just...wow. If Julie's nipples taste like sangria, I don't even want to know what flavor her nethers are.

I still think it's funny that Ben's post was edited.

"Sackmunch" is my gift to all of you.

Wow...so many people to thank...

but mostly Julie and feremones, without whom I would have never had the motivation to hunt down, drug and violate Ryan....
(plus, you guys gave me a damn good run for my money, Dustin, you should post the whole conversation, I think at one point Julie had a super soaker full of mace and a jet pack....good stuff good stuff)

Godtopus, of course

and Pajiba as a whole, you guys make most of my days much much happier

now to go make sure my DVD player is ready for a marathon Ryan's abs viewing.....

Wow. Just...wow. If Julie's nipples taste like sangria, I don't even want to know what flavor her nethers are.

Apple pie.

Ol' spambot has impressed this week. Worryingly, it seems to be getting more sophisticated with its backwards-assed English usings. One of these days, it might actually put together a coherent sentence, we'll all be tricked into visiting StupidRichFuckwits.com and the universe will collapse on itself.

I'm actually surprised none of the prom stories made it in, if only to compensate some poor 'jibans for having to live through them. And the fact I was crying with laughter for most of yesterday reading them and as a result got absolutely no work done.

if I close my eyes really tight, and wish with all my might, Mr. Kolby will look like that when he takes his shirt off tonight

Kolby, with all that rhyming you may have accomplished that through some impromptu Built Like a Brick Shithouse spell.

damn HTML tags!

I'd know those abs anywhere...RYAN REYNOLDS!!!

"I like to believe that my nipples taste like sangria."

Not sure why, but for some reason or another, I totally picture Julie dressed to the nines and saying this in either a courtroom setting or in front of Senate members. Again, not sure why, but it makes it a helluva lot funnier - coffee snorked up the sinuses funny...

I've been with abs like that, only they weren't attached to Ryan Reynolds. Still worth it.

Congrats, Bethy! May you enjoy your Van Wilder DVD many, many times. I'd advise leaving the sound off.

Suck it Bethy!

:p

Apple pie.

Oh my LORD.

ha Julie!

at least the flavor of various part of my body aren't being discussed :)

Sigh...I bring it on myself. Almost every time I'm quoted it's something sexual. That's it. I'm going a whole week without being dirty. Starting now.

psst!

.tobmaps eht eb llew yrev thgim neb kniht I

keep it on the downlow, mofos.

.ttikS taht ees yllatot nac I

Julie, if you need help fending off the lecherous advances of the more skeevy Pajibians, I can help ya out. this may not be able to be something you can do on your own

and can I just say how excited I am that the Boozehound will be back tomorrow, squee!

Me too! I just got my liver back from the shop and it's rarin' to go!

Julie just announced she's going a whole week without making sexual references. As Pajiba's self-appointed official book-keeper, I am offering 1000-1 odds on that promise being kept. In more realistic betting news, I've got 7-2 that she doesn't make it through this afternoon, 2-5 on Friday morning (as if she's going to make it through a Boozehound review without descending to the gutter, pauses to laugh at the thought) and I give her 5-1 until Monday. By the way, I'm only accepting bets in Euros these days.

I am going to be the embodiment of civility, grace, and decency.

Bring it Paddy.

I've missed the Boozehound too. Those columns remind me of long past times spent drinking like a fish, smoking dope and hanging out with bands. I don't get to do those things any more.

Wow, Julie this is going to be really hard. You think you can go all week long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling! Anyone got taco dip? Or Scrabble?

Paddy: I'll take that on. But you might have to wait for my transaction--I only deal in flag pins these days.

JODIE!!! Don't do it!!!

Jules,

I love ya, but I have to say there's no way in hell this is going to happen for you. You just called an author a perv, for Godtopus' sake.

It doesn't count unless I TYPE it. Which just means this work will be that much more impossible for you to endure.

I don't care if you don't type it, it totally counts. (I'm a spy!)

this work WEEK that should have read.

Paddy, that's a sucker's bet if I've ever heard one. I'd sooner bet that I get hit by a meteor while playing the kazoo in a folk band on a gay cruise.

Sorry Goollee, that just ain't you.

In unrelated news, I have strep throat. Yes, it's the first week of beautiful weather and I'm trapped inside eating applesauce and oatmeal. Godtopus does not smile on me.

I love Scrabble, it is such a wonderful game to enhance the vocabulary of young lads and lasses.

Oh, Jules, this I have to see. Do you really think you'll make it?

Aw, TK, that really blows. I had strep last month. *pats you on the head*

you know what helps strep throat TK?

whiskey

although keep it away from Julie, she is going to have to stay stone-cold sober for her to make it through this week.

TK, that totally sucks. I was a strep carrier when I was a kid, had it for about seven years off-and-on. I hope you are up and out again in the sunshine soon.

you know what helps strep throat TK?

whiskey

I agree with Bethy, but I substituted Glenlivet. Scotch makes everything better.

Cepacol, TK. Tastes like ass, works like magic™.

Tastes like ass, works like magic™.

Isn't that the slogan for NyQuil?

NyQuil doesn't taste like ass. It tastes like battery acid and Phoenix tears.

I believe Denis Leary coined the slogan for NyQuil:

"Don't Make Any Fuckin' Plans."

TK:

I know! It's hilarious that she is maintaining she can keep this up for a week. (Sorry about the strep throat by the way: do let us know if it morphs into scarlet fever. We can do a whole Louis May Alcott thing, what with you living in New England and all). But back to our fruity-nippled friend: the only way she can possibily manage this is if we all collaborate and agree not to tempt her in any way. But of course, then we wouldn't be Pajibans, would we? I consider it our sacred duty to spend the next week discussing every thread in the most depraved way possible.

You guys do realize that we can break Julie. We will all have to band together and work somewhat hard. I think that we can crack her in about 3 hours.

What do you guys say?

Speaking of NyQuil, I used to have a neighbor that substituted NyQuil for actual alcohol when she was broke, which was at least twice a month.

NyQuil. For the cheapest drunk you know.

Hey Julie...does this mean you've given up your claim to John Krasinki's corpse?

How bout that Race for Ryan thing? Look, Goolie...ABS!

Dont worry Julie, Bethy may have won the war for Ryan's rockhard midesction, but you still have dominion over Krasinski's rigorfied digits. Somehow I feel you'll be just fine...

The Mighty Water Kings used to drink shots of Nyquil on stage--some people thought it was just part of their schtick. Peronally, I like a nice Maker's Mark hot toddy when I don't feel well.

Pajiba HQ, next week can you post which post/article these lovely comments came from? Maybe it's too much work, but it would give you more clicks/traffic to earlier pages.

Much love,
Teresa

Now my work friends are involved, so I'm making this stick gosh darn it. Tempt me all you want you fiends, I shall not be broken!

Sarina, you come up with the best descriptions for what things taste like. Phoenix tears? Brilliant.

Ryan Reynolds seems like such a nice young man, I would like to take him to church. After a year of courting, we can hold hands.

Julie, I would like to ask three questions.

1. You cannot leave for the week in order to win this bet with all of us. We are numerous and mighty. Besides, won't the bad thoughts overthrow the good? Then you will break and we will win! HA HA!

2. If you walk into a church, would the little seen process of human combustion occur? At the very least a lightening strike?

3. What tv show was Ryan Reynolds a part of? Without Googling!

Look, our Ghoulea is turning into Laura Ingalls Wilder!

Sarina, you truly are poetic.

Paddy, if we're going to get all Little Women up in here, we should bring TK some belladonna.

3. What tv show was Ryan Reynolds a part of? Without Googling!

Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place. (Sorry, I'm trying to help Gools out.)

1. I only have bad thoughts, so the only way this won't kill me is if thejodester and my other work friends ritually beat me with a stapler every morning.

2. Angels would sing and the Virgin Mary would deem herself "not as pure as Julie."

3. Oh crap...was it Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place? Or was that Nathan Fillion? That was Nathan Fillion...did Reynolds one have Selma Blair? I'm not imdbing because I'm a good girl.

Nicole, there is no helping. I think that if you cannot name an obscure part of an actor/actress's work then you have to forfeit claim to them.

As I watched that show for a long, long time, I maintain that I can have a claim to him.

I can't remember the name of the comic I heard use this line:

"You know how in the NyQuil commercials the person about to take the NyQuil is already in bed? That's a hint!"

TK, I do recommend the NyQuil. It will greatly reduce the suffering and help you (force you to, more like) get the rest you need! But don't make any fuckin' plans. Seriously, don't.

Nathan Fillion was also on that show. He was the boyfriend of the blonde girl.

Ryan was one of the main characters.

3. Oh crap...was it Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place? Or was that Nathan Fillion? That was Nathan Fillion...

Baby it was BOTH of them. BOTH OF THEM.

http://imdb.com/title/tt0137330/

*cries because she dismissed the show out of hand as a "stupid sitcom" and never watched it*

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I made it!!!

Oh baby. This. Is. Awesome.

Oh, and Ryan totally makes Amityville Horror scary as FUCK. And I'd even stomach Waiting again if I get to look at his pretty mug. Oh Sam Weir, if only Cindy knew where your balls would've ended up. I'm sure she would've stuck it out a little bit longer.

It was both of them?!

[Oh god...resisting urge to lose the bet.]

My...maryjane shoes just...got shinier.

This is so hard.

"not as pure as Julie."

Now that's reaching

"This is so hard."

OK, Julie, we're gonna give you a pass on that one. Once.

But only once.

Speaking of sponsors though...The Naughty Fox frightens me.

It was both of them?!

Uh huh. It was 30 minutes of beautiful, yummy attractiveness. It was not a great show, but it was so pretty.

You are totally imagining them on the same show, aren't you? Except they are shirtless and you are somehow trapped next to both of them?

I am totally making this a personal mission.

I refuse to be penalized for anyone else's filthy mind, TK. Because that? Didn't even occur to me. Thejodester can attest to that, since while typing it, there was no maniacal giggling from the cube next door.

You are totally imagining them on the same show, aren't you? Except they are shirtless and you are somehow trapped next to both of them?

damnit, now that is all I am thinking about

I have a problem, maybe its about time I admitted it...

I am totally making this a personal mission.
That reminds me!

Julie, scenario: It is a sunny afternoon and Nathan Fillion, Ryan Reynolds, Josh Holloway, Naveen Andrews, Matthew Fox, Daniel Dae Kim, Henry Ian Cusick and Chiwetel Ejiofor are all shirtless and scrubbing down your kitchen together.

Now: What's for dinner?

HA HA!

At least it is working on someone.

I am in such a good of a mood today. What is wrong with the world?

You are totally imagining them on the same show, aren't you? Except they are shirtless and you are somehow trapped next to both of them?

I feel so repressed right now. I need a way to burn off this energy...

...

...I've got nothin. [goes miniature golfing]

Jerce, just shirtless?

Miniature golfing won't help. Resistance is futile.

Jerce...I will kill you.

And we're eating pancakes in the shape of puppies and rainbows.

Chiwetel Ejiofor

...

[whimpers]

It would be so much fun to play Monopoly with him.

Hey TK, for sore throats my gran always swears by gargling salt water, me I'd rather put up with the sore throat. My mum recommends alcohol, but also for gargling (!) Alternatively chop up onions, microwave them, then wrap them in a towel and put them on your throat. No idea if this works though, probably in that category of cures where you never admit to a sore throat again.

not cool Jerce, not cool at all!

the comment may be aimed at Julie, but it has a fairly large blast radius

it is a good thing I am going to a lecture I am actaully interested in soon, or some pictures of certain fine male specimens might start to appear on my computer monitor, and I am pretty sure my boss would not appreciate it

It doesn't work for strep, and this is both a)mildly gross and b)mildly gross but you're all pajibites - Neti pots are a fantastic investment, way better than gargling salt water. 13 bucks or so can completely eliminate some colds before they start.

That warm salt water gargle works! Never heard the onion thing, just that eating onions helps boost the immune system.

Twig, what is this Neti pot of which you speak?

Heee.

Pancakes, huh? Uh-oh! The syrup bottle has fallen off the table! And syrup is spilled just everywhere, and the bottle has somehow slid waaaay back under the stove, and you've offered the lads a prize for whomever can get it back out of there!

And they're all struggling and squirming and groping down there on the floor and there's syrup everywhere...

So: What's for dessert?

I need a way to burn off this energy

Scrabble, anyone?

Oh, I'd like to take those odds...I'm sure someone, will be able to break her. Julie...I love you, I really do...but you can't fight your nature. Just let go and accept it. It's alright...I've accepted that I'm a closet perv, and look how happy I am!

TK, I fee for you man. That does. I agree with everyone else...Nyquil heals everything. Cuz it knocks you the fuck out until you get better.

I don't believe in pancakes. Well, actually I don't believe in maple syrup. Pancakes are merely tainted by association.

That was ... "That does suck" ...

So: What's for dessert?

RICE PUDDING. That's...bland. Ish.

Fuck it Julie. Stop refreshing and just scroll back up to the picture at the top of this thread. Go ahead. I'll wait. We'll all wait. When you're ready, come back down here and join us. As Skitt said, you can't fight your nature.

RICE PUDDING. That's...bland. Ish.

Depends entirely on how you're using it.

You know - Ryan Reynolds, Nathan Fillon, pudding...

I'm just sayin'.

Shadows, there's no way I can be pervy while wearing all this plaid gingham.

Rice pudding?

Rice pudding...sorta creamy-smooth, sorta sticky, very very gooshy between your body parts?

Is the rice pudding warm...?

I have to stop this before I have to leave work early and go home to my bunk.

Careful...Sarina will disbelieve the pudding, and then you'll just be left with Ryan and Nathan naked...

Brigette, oh the wierdness of talking nasal irrigation on a movie review site.

The Neti pot looks like a little watering can. The spigot goes up one nostril, you tip your head, the water goes through the sinuses - there's a video on YouTube. It looks bizarre as hell, but it flushes the sinuses out pretty thoroughly. It can do a number on stuffiness and with a few types of cold, damn near stop the whole thing before it starts.

A handy thing to have, IMO.

Julie, the gutter is missing you. It wants you to come home.

There are happy thoughts there.

Ryan, Nathan, and whatever else your twisted mind desires.

Also, what inspired this? Did you watch the Pope make a speech or something? Are you trying to influence people?

"...there's no way I can be pervy while wearing all this plaid gingham."

Julie, I have a bonnet I can lend you. No, for serious. I bought it at the state fair last summer. I was slightly drunk and delirious from all the food on a stick at the time, so it seemed like a good idea. It turned out to be almost entirely useless, except for that one day I put it on the cat and laughed at him until he crawled under a dresser in disgust. Anyway, you can totally borrow it.

.... It took me a good two minutes to be able to scroll down all the way to post a comment.

Can you guys use that picture for every review now? Or at least the bad ones. Ease some of the pain.

Twig, we have no secrets (and certainly no shame) here in Pajibaland. Thanks very much for the info. It does sound like a very handy gadget. In the spirit of "too much information" I'll say that I really could have used one of those when I lived along the banks of Ohio River.

[scrolls to top of page...drools...imagines Jerce's scenarios in all their nakedy goodness...pudding...Ryan Reynolds...PUDDING]

EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! %@#$&!!!

I can't do it!!!! I can't DO IT (hee). I HAVE TO BE ME!! I want to ride Ryan Reynolds like an insubordinate pony! I want to do him, I want to do him and eat PUDDING, and then cover myself with pudding, and I want to have all those beautiful naked men in my kitchen scrubbing and sweating catering to my every need with the sweat and the nakedness!!!

I'll be ok. I will buy a case of Icey Hot.

See?

Much better.

That's the Goolee we know and love.

Like I said, Paddy: Sucker's bet.

What, plaid gingham isn't attractive with saucy potential?

Come on now, I'm thinking of Petticoat Junction

Ellie May

Mary Ann!

Andy Partridge wrote a song about talking to his dick (well, one of the songs) where he says "if you could only see the way the gingham swirls".

Sorry. You are not yet sexless.

That'll do Julie, that'll do.

That was way too easy. We weren't even trying that hard.

Jools: Next time less ambition, more realism. You know: perhaps pledge only to think about missionary position for the next hour or so. I mean pledging to spend an entire week like you're about to make your First Communion? It was never going to happen.

Isn't it nice and cozy back here in the gutter with the rest of us? Have you met Osmate77? New kid, joined us a couple days ago.

Mmmm...pervy Julie...now turns me on again! The wedding's back on!

It's OK, Julie.

Oh my, that kitchen's a mess! Sticky syrup and slippery pudding everywhere! The lads are just going to have to clean the whole place up all over again!

Okay, boys, shirts off and let's get soapy!!

Paddy, I'm just too lazy to have to come up with descriptions that don't include words like "fuck" and "bosom" and "engorged." It was easier to just give in and embrace, molest, and tweak my inner perv.

Damn. I've lost faith in everything now.

Jesus, Julie, you're like Sonny the Cuckoo for celebrity cock. I can picture you bouncing around your cubicle, "I'm cockoo for puffy cock! I'm cockoo for puffy cock!"

Hee! Insert, that's what happens when I try to curb my dirty mind for more than two hours.

...puffy cock. [shakes head.] Love it.

Presently Pajiba is nothing more than a after school special, replete with boring students talking about there boring lives. I can't get to my dealer quick enough to buy something to ease my pain and perhaps take me from this world.

...at this point I eat only for survival, fucking has become a bore. I figured out my path long ago, maybe that was the problem.

Damn, Jerce, that didn't take long. You're good at this. A little too good at this...what's your day job again? Does it involve brooding, smoldering men in period clothing on high moors overlooking a stormy sea and finding a lot of euphemisms for things more commonly discussed in anatomy classes?

Another weekend comes, the ants run and feed the corporate pigs.

Pookie, while I respect your place as the lone wolf dissenter, deliberately going against the grain whenever possible and providing (il)logical fallacies to any argument...I'm not really understanding what your latest rant is about. Were you attacking us, the articles, the site, the editors, or just ranting at random?

I was not attacking you,the article,the site,or the editors. I am not a lone dissenter nor do I go against the grain. Thank you for dismissing my musings without even knowing what I'm musing about. I'm a very thoughtful person and at times I speak for the common man. I speak of his fears, his hopes, and dreams. I have people who come to this site to hear my words. I receive many emails for people asking questions about certain things, they ask me for my opinions. And as a steward of small entourage, I have a duty to answer.

Biblio, I am not affiliated in any way with romance fiction (aka soft-core porn for the more timid sort of woman), though I am flattered. I just followed Julie's cues...Syrup. Pudding. Julie was asking for it.

Pookie, you remind me of another online performance artist I've run across on another message board. You aren't by any chance from Wyoming, are you?

Performance artist,lol. I'm from Miami.

Speaking of NyQuil, I used to have a neighbor that substituted NyQuil for actual alcohol when she was broke, which was at least twice a month.

NyQuil. For the cheapest drunk you know.

I totally have you beat. My step-father was a paramedic, and one of his "patients" had a crush on him and would drink an entire bottle of mouthwash to get loaded. She would then call 911 saying she thought she had alcohol poisoning.

I think they lifted her out of her house with a crane five years ago.

Fun fact: sangria is derived from "sangue," which in Portuguese which means blood. Therefore, a fuckwit who speaks Portuguese may think that Julie has bloody nipples.

Delicious.

Ryan Reynolds, duh! This site has only posted that picture about a million times. Not that I'm complaining or anything, just saying that it gets a lot of face time.

And as a steward of small entourage, I have a duty to answer.

So "resign" didn't mean leave, I take it . . . .

Something tells me Bethy should already have a copy of this DVD. Sounds like you're giving a bible to a Mormon.

Jesus, remember, back in the day, when Pookie made sense? I mean, you didn't always agree, but at least we understood what the fuck he was talking about.

Pooks, seriously bud, what is going on with you? It looks like you're coming apart at the seams. I'm worried, Pookster.

TK: I'm with you.
Socalled: I was thinking the same thing.

Time for an intervention perhaps?

TK, I understand your point. But at this point in time I'm speaking on a higher plane. My words and deeds are understood by the many who seek my counsel. I grow tired of trying to explain my work. I have battled many forces that are beyond your understanding. Once I leave pajiba, I will not be pulled back with offers of treasures.

He looks handsome. I saw him on "S e e k i n g R i c h . c o m " last week. Is he single now? Just curious.You can contact him on that site.

Helen, I have know problem with you trying to get your hustle on. But pajiba is a website that is dedicated to the serious discussion of movies and there impact on society. Perhaps if you're looking for a date, there are a million dating services on the web that provide that service for a nominal fee.

I think I figured it out. Pookie, are you a Scientologist??

furthermore, I don't think the architects of pajiba had intended it's website to be used by lonely cougars looking for dates.

Wait just a goddamed minute... Pookster, you're speaking on a higher plane? Battling forces beyond our understanding? Speaking the fears, hopes and dreams of the common man?

(...cue flashback music and wavy filter...)

"I must admit Agent Scully is mighty fine. If I close my eyes I can see my thick black schlong laying against her milky white skin." Posted by Pookie

Go find Ben. Now. The two of you need to balance eachother out and become "Pookie-Wan-Benobi". Then, and only then, will I be willing to join you on your fantastic voyage...

Forget it, people. Pookie is done. The Spambots have him. He is one of them now. He will be remembered for... never mind. This is the internet. Pookie will not be remembered. None of us will. Soon another poster will come along to offer blustery non sequiters. We will mock that person and the circle will be complete.

I kid, I kid.

Sweet breads and nectar is all I need. I don't require blood to quench my thirst.

Pookie, you're beginning to remind me of this guy I used to know who was both drunk and high at all times (seriously, I knew him for six years and never saw him sober once) who always wore a smoking jacket and a yachting cap and talked in this weird sort of misty Professor Trelawney voice about his commitment to those who needed to hear his message. Incidentally, he also once told me that Paddington Bear was trying to kill him and that he was going to move to Saturn to study its rings.

In other words, I am concerned.

Today has been a good day at work. I hid from my supervisor, fucked up a project, and successfully talked my way out of a investigation for sexual harassment. It's getting to the point where you can't say nothing to the ladies. I was just trying to make some suggestions concerning a coworker's ample bust, and how she could conceal them. So that they won't be a distraction.

Pookie, I believe the correct and subtle way to address an abundance of work bosom is "Listen, my dear [insert coworker's name], would you mind covering your tooters so I can finish my report and bust the hell out of here? Spanks."

That Paddington Bear is a menace Sarina.

Sarina......and being both drunk and high at the same time is a bad thing because? I assume one wears a smoking jacket with the intent of smoking. And the yachting cap, pure panache.

Pookie, if you're not Dirckman then you are his twin. Or maybe his clone. Or perhaps a distant cousin by marriage.