Eat a Cadbury Chocolate-Covered Dick, Charlotte.
The Weekly Box Office Round-Up / The Eloquents
5. Vantage Point (Weekend: $5.4 million; Total: $58 million): “Those chicks need to arm themselves with more than machine guns if they want to conquer Zombie Strippers. That’s why I keep my flamethrower loaded and at the ready at all times. You can never be too careful (especially with all the sweater vests roaming around these parts).” - Kolby
“Godtopus looks like he’s the patron deity of the Powerpuff Girls. Must be the benevolent gleam in his eye.
Flamethrowers, indeed. Zombies don’t fear fire. It’s all about brain destruction, people. Think self-sufficient, low-tech, light weaponry. Zombies aren’t smart, but they’re the damn Energizer bunnies of the realm of ghouls, so you have to be prepared to fight a lot of the shambling bastards.” - Wednesday
“I have a feeling when Apatow lets the cameras roll for some improv in a scene, Sandler’s gonna panic, turn back to his days when he says “Zabbady doo!” and crosses his eyes and makes funny faces.” - aidan
4. College Road Trip (Weekend: $7.9 million; Total: $24 million): “Sarina, just to be clear, there is nothing (NOTHING) I don’t love about BTiLC… Cattral included.
But Sex in the City is an abomination in the eyes of God. I wouldn’t watch it for world peace and a lifetime supply of Reeses cups.” - TK
“Agreed. Reeses anything are little pieces of heaven given form and then force-fed to puppies right before they are made into jerky, and the pieces of heaven now flavored with puppy love tumble out into a press which shapes them into cups and pieces and eggs for the children to enjoy. And me.” - Shadows of Dakaron
“I once had a roommate who was obsessed with both Sex and the City and The Apprentice, so I have seen far too many episodes of both. I will admit that SatC is less bad than The Donald and The Hair, but it’s still pretty awful. There are occasionally individual moments which are funny, but overall those characters are so thoroughly irritating, unappealing and worthless.
Actually, I think I hated that show for the exact same reasons I so disliked Seinfeld. Except at least the asshats on Seinfeld didn’t dress like aliens disguised as clowns that were playing the parts of geriatric hookers in a community theatre production of The Reluctantly Aging Vaginas That Could.” - Sarina
3. Never Back Down (Weekend: $8.6 million): This somehow slipped under the Pajibadar, but we’ll have a review of The Karate Kid Sidekicks Only the Strong Best of the Best Gymkata Never Back Down on Wednesday.
2. 10,000 B.C. (Weekend: $16 million; Total: $61 million): “goddammit…i just thought of something…I have 2 sets of pictures in galleries on bikerpics.org. “Bikerpics.org”…it just sounds like a tough website. I am doing NOTHING to help myself as far as ‘tough’ is concerned because in one set i am dressed in duct tace on a cardboard motorcycle, and then the other pics are me on my real motorcycle in a goddamn Eeyore costume. I need to go do something tough…STAT!!” - PissBoy
“PissBoy, you may be able to take on Roo, but otherwise…I think Pooh would kick your ass and make your hollowed out skull into a honeypot.” - Julie
“Maybe it’s badass to wear an Eeyore costume amongst bikers since it’s basically begging for an ass-beating, Hell’s Angels style. Pretty damn brave if you ask me.” - racheee
1. Horton Hears a Who! (Weekend: $45 million): “Whatevs. I’ll take the kids, ‘spose, and I’ll probably enjoy it, if even just a little bit. But it needs to just stop now. And so help me, if there’s ever a Star-Bellied Sneetches movie, I will freak right the fuck out.” - Mella
“Dustin - I don’t think you’re old enough to understand or appreciate any hate that rightfully exists towards REO Speedwagon as a band, and that particular song, especially in a fucking DR. SEUSS movie adaptation.
I kid, but that song still sucks, especially in a DR. SEUSS adaptation. What’s next - “Pour Some Sugar On Me” sung by Aslan? “In the Air Tonight” sung by Hagrid? Where do we draw the line? Where does this bullshit end?” - Mohaski
“Gives me hope for my animated feature - “Whoreton Hears a Ho”… Yeah, I’m pretty excited. It’s about a colony of pube-crabs living a peaceful existence in the Humid Black Forrest, when one day, Mayor Whoreton of Pubesville hears a horrible moaning. Upon further discovery, he’s astounded to find that his entire world and all he knows revolves around the antics of a kuh-raazy Ho named Violet.
Violet, as luck would have it, is tired of all the scratchin’ and decides to shave her business, which means certain doom for those of Pubesville. So, it’s up to Mayor Whoreton to figure out a way to find a new forrest before the “Dreadedwaxing”, a beast of mythical proportions, destroys all he’s every known.
Oh yeah, it’s an animated porn… I’m not ashamed.” - Skittimus Maximus
Doomsday | | Funny Games
Comments
One of your commenters wouldn't watch an episode of SATC for world peace? What a selfish bastard.
Posted by: silence at March 17, 2008 9:04 AM
Would someone PLEASE review Funny Games?
I know it's a remake and all, but it's a pretty damn good movie.
The editors to this site may love it, since it's really just bashing our whole concept of torture porn.
Someone? ANYONE???
Posted by: wex at March 17, 2008 9:09 AM
I personally believe that Sandler is only capable of saying "Zabbady doo!". However, over time, he's graduated to parroting a spastic nine year old being held off camera.
Posted by: jM at March 17, 2008 9:13 AM
Hahahahaha! I like it.
Happy St. Patrick's Day! Even though the corned beef and cabbage I ate last night is attacking my intestines, I still plan on enjoying a healthy Guinness buzz all damn day. Screw work.
Would that animated porn character, Violet, be the same girl from The Incredibles? Because that's just sick. I would totally watch it.
Posted by: Rachael at March 17, 2008 9:15 AM
I dunno, it's probably just me, but the self-consciously 'hip' stylings of the supposed Eloquents is getting just a tad annoying.
Posted by: Mary at March 17, 2008 9:15 AM
The editors to this site may love it, since it's really just bashing our whole concept of torture porn.
By making the occasional offhand breaking-the-fourth-wall comment? Plz.
Torture porn is no longer interesting, shocking or unique. Nothing actually needed to be added to the 'genre' after Audition, and given that this is a frame-by-frame remake of the original, does it even count as a new movie?
Grab. for. caaaaaaaaaaaaaaash.
Posted by: twig at March 17, 2008 9:16 AM
Is this the Pajiba staff's passive-aggressive way of suggesting that, maybe, the commenters are wandering off topic a bit too often?
Posted by: Jerce at March 17, 2008 9:55 AM
P.S. Cadbury-covered dick...Mmmmm-mmm!
Posted by: Jerce at March 17, 2008 9:56 AM
I would watch, "Whoreton Hears a Ho." Sounds fun.
I personally hate it when pop culture references are mentioned in "classic" children's films. It dates them horribly, and keeps them from being classics. I especially hate it when the characters sing old songs off key. Who exactly is this for? The adults in the audience? Can you imagine if Cinderella sang Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B, if we'd still be watching it?
Posted by: BWeaves at March 17, 2008 10:10 AM
Jerce, "Eat a Cadbury chocolate-covered dick, Charlotte" is a quote from Julie (I think. Apologies if it was actually someone else, as I am too lazy to check). I can't even remember which thread it came from, but we wandered from the actual topic to zombies and then fighting over chocolate and then agreeing on how horrible SatC is. Because in this world where people kill each other over the semantics of their gods, we can all come together in our universal dislike of Sex and the City. It's the simple truths that keep us human, dontcha know.
Posted by: Sarina at March 17, 2008 10:10 AM
When the movie being reviewed is actually good, we don't tend to wander off topic as often. Notice that it's the Step Up 24s and the crappy action flicks that force us to go off in insane directions. I mean, why talk about a shitty movie when we can hurl live grenades at Barbado Slim?
Posted by: Kolby at March 17, 2008 10:24 AM
Except at least the asshats on Seinfeld didn't dress like aliens disguised as clowns that were playing the parts of geriatric hookers in a community theatre production of The Reluctantly Aging Vaginas That Could.
Nice pull, S
If the off-topic discussions cease, I will leave so help my Godtopus. And I missed almost all of the fun last week because of stupid work.
Skitt, that actually sounds like a fantastic concept for a satirical short film.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at March 17, 2008 10:34 AM
When the movie being reviewed is actually good, we don't tend to wander off topic as often.
Plus a lot of these comments aren't coming from the reviews, they're from trade round ups where the madness usually occurs.
I still want Charlotte to eat a dick. HATE.
Posted by: Julie at March 17, 2008 11:11 AM
Well, we can't have socalled going off in a huff, never to return, now can we? I guess we're stuck with going off topic in the future.
Oh, and I agree with Kolby, comment threads do tend to stay on topic when a good movie, etc. is being reviewed (see the thread on Arrested Development). But, with so much crap out there, it seems that we can look forward to more battles, brawls, zombies, killing-related vehicles, sweater vests, new deities, board-game sex, and the like for the foreseeable future. It will be interesting to see what new topics come up once we feel the full effect of the writers' strike on our movie options...
Posted by: tamatha at March 17, 2008 11:15 AM
Please, please, please for the love of God don't review Never Back Down. I don't want to have to spend hours of my life defending mixed martial arts.
Posted by: TeenieBopper at March 17, 2008 11:15 AM
Socalled, I had the same problem last week. My work definitely cut into my Pajiba time. I caught up on the reviews over the weekend, but reading the threads so far after the fact was just not the same.
Posted by: rlr260 at March 17, 2008 11:59 AM
Double bill Whoreton Hears a Ho with Tarzoon: Shame of the Jungle for a knockout box-office fest!
Posted by: Adam C at March 17, 2008 3:33 PM
Julie, honey, it's okay. C'mon over here and do a shot with me.
Skitt, I think we should start Murder Tank Productions and get that script a-shootin'.
Posted by: Nicole at March 17, 2008 5:20 PM
it seems that we can look forward to more battles, brawls, zombies, killing-related vehicles, sweater vests, new deities, board-game sex, and the like for the foreseeable future.
And thank the Godtopus for that. Amen.
I wonder if half of we Pajibans are just too hungover/drunk to make their way here? I had to abstain *antibioticsgrumble* but I want some stories. Preferably involving PissBoy, paint, duct tape, rollerskates, and a chimp.
Posted by: Nicole at March 17, 2008 7:58 PM
Hey, I'm NOT hung over. Unfortunately. Some travel emergencies involving my cousin necessitated my staying sober tonight. Also I got completely plastered Saturday night, so I figure two Guinness and an Irish Coffee for the day is a nice break for my liver.
Um... on topic... I hate Sex and the City too.
Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at March 17, 2008 8:33 PM
This morning my little guy came down and said he had found "Horton HAS a Who" on the internet....
...which I found kinda funny.
'Cuz that would be a pretty big who.
Posted by: Mick at March 17, 2008 8:33 PM
This morning my little guy came down and said he had found "Horton HAS a Who" on the internet....
...which I found kinda funny.
'Cuz that would be a pretty big who.
Thanks to that visual, I now need to rinse my eyes in bleach and take a Brillo pad to my brain.
Posted by: Nicole at March 17, 2008 10:14 PM
Lighten up Mary, some of us are trying to enjoy our solitary joy at our first comment as an Eloquent here (albeit riding on Pissboy's plastic yellow coattails). How else am I to get through such a downer of a week for movies? I mean, College Road Trip is still in the fucking top 5 and X-Files II is still months away!
Posted by: racheee at March 18, 2008 12:04 AM