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December 2, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | DVD Releases | December 2, 2008 |

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian: Dan was impressed, not with the movie, but with the director’s ability to totally screw up the book, writing: “It’s kind of stunning that writer-director Andrew Adamson took a trim little 216-page book and turned it into an ungainly action fantasy that careens between bludgeoning battle scenes and moments of forced and unrealistic drama that leave no room for characterization, growth, or any kind of emotional connection to the people onscreen aside from the animal instinct to see heroes triumph in combat. Based on C.S. Lewis’ book, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian is a sequel to 2005’s The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, also helmed by Adamson, and as such the new film is a pretty consistent continuation of what’s apparently Adamson’s style: Using the book as a rough guide, he sketches out a story more visually compelling but less soulfully engaging than what’s been written.”

The Longshots: Brian sums up nicely, writing: “You’ve already seen this movie. It is every inspirational football movie (We Are Marshall, Friday Night Lights, Remember the Titans), every sort of low-income children struggling just to play a sport film (Little Giants, The Sandlot, The Mighty Ducks), and every black hardworking kid trying to make it big flick (Finding Forrester, Antwone Fisher, Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit). Chunks and nuggets from every single one of those films have been ground-up in a big bowl and mashed until there’s nothing identifiable or original left. Then the greyish, gruel-flavored pablum is spooned up tepid for airing on the Disney Channel or ABC Family. The only foreseeable reason something like this would be created, other than to capitalize on the Eddie Murphy as farting donkey alien crowd or the Ice Cube uncomfortably around children in whose asses he’s not permitted to bust a cap Family Film crowd, would be because Best Buy and Wal-Mart needed a third film to cheaply box-set with Gridiron Gang and The Game Plan.

Step Brothers: Dustin … he thought it was dumb, which is sort of an understament. “Truth: Step Brothers may be the stupidest fucking movie I have ever seen. I am talking Cosmic Level 5, brained in the neck stem by Chuck Norris stupid. It’s a labiatic explosion of thick-wittedness. A four cock-ring circus of dumb. A broken, jagged-glass whiskey-bottle to-the-junk brand of idiocy. I honestly have no idea how two people could sit down and come up with a movie this goddamn moronic without a strong influence of industrial strength solvents and repeated blows to the back of the head. It’s dumber than a bag of dirt hammers thrown into a box of rocks. Dumber than the pool of urine keeping Paris Hilton’s brain afloat. Dumber than horse ejaculate. Dumber than light-socket fucking.”

Wanted: Ah yes: The summer blockbuster that Dustin wanted to fuck. “What do you get when you combine the sultriest pair of hips and lips in Hollywood, seemingly tethered together only by body art; blood splatters that course with viscous glee; enough cold, hard steel to resurrect Heston; bullets that curve; joyous holes in the head; and a hot, slathering mess of McAvoy? You get Wanted, a movie you want to take behind the middle school and impregnate. With twins.”

The X-Files: I Want to Believe: John was nonplussed, writing: “Even die-hard fans might wonder, as the credits roll, if at this point the brilliantly imagined world of “The X-Files” would be better left alone. There’s nothing embarrassing about this latest project, but the movie released 10 years ago was a much more ambitious, dazzling affair, meaning that the question of why will linger much longer than the effect of I Want to Believe.

This Week's DVD Releases / The Pajiba Staff

DVD Releases | December 2, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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