free counter with statistics DVD Releases 12/17/08 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

mammamiastill2.jpg

Burn Mamma Mia After Watching

This Week’s DVD Releases / The Pajiba Staff

DVD Releases | December 17, 2008 | Comments (26)


This week, another opportunity to mock Mamma Mia. Behold your DVD releases for the week of December 16, 2008.

Burn After Reading: Dan was an admirer of the latest Coens creation, calling it “a gleefully absurd, consistently funny, and thoroughly entertaining film that touches on the Coens’ trademark wit, rhythm, and inevitable bursts of violence. Whether it will hold up and come to find a place in the brothers’ pantheon of greatness is something only time will tell, but it’s a strong and often hilarious dark comedy that lives up to the Coen name.”

Death Race: Meanwhile, Phillip half-appreciated Death Race, at least, for what it was meant to be, writing: “But as stupid as all of this sounds, Death Race isn’t half bad at what it’s supposed to be: throwaway faux-grindhouse flair. Unlike in the past, Anderson isn’t reaching beyond his own one-dimensional male id, just setting up his moronic pins and then kicking them over with glee. But that’s also what makes the film a little unsettling — it’s absolutely, unapologetically depthless. As cheesy and opportunistic as Roger Corman certainly was, he at least had an eye for dramatic irony; Anderson either doesn’t understand Death Race 2000’s use of humor and satire or, more likely, he doesn’t care, and thus his own Death Races somehow manages to dumb down exploitation, taking the very reason Corman’s film has been remembered long enough to be remade and making a film than won’t be remembered five minutes after being seen! Death Race thus becomes a weird, roundabout indictment of how base our popcorn flicks have really become. Yikes.”

House Bunny: Dustin didn’t care for it, writing: “In other words, you should never, ever put yourself through the experience of watching The House Bunny, in a theater, on DVD, on pay channels, on network television, in a box, with a fox, in a mouse, with a house, here or there, or anywhere. It’s a cinematic abomination, a movie so powerfully unfunny that I understand it actually sucks the humor out of films playing on nearby screens.”

Mamma Mia: In one of my favorite reviews, Ranylt dissected Mamma Mia in glorious fashion, writing: “Mamma Mia! was co-produced (along with Tom Hanks and the male half of ABBA) by Rita Wilson, who’s still riding the same Love Greece — or else! hobby-horse she rode to splinters with My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I could almost see her panting behind the screen with toothy imperative, daring me not to admire her Greekness. Based on the landmark(ish) musical, Mamma Mia! is loaded with cheeky humor that will only come off as cheeky to a certain sheltered set; people sing into hair-dryers, fall out of boats, waddle in flippers, and hang from rooftops by their fingernails — and the audience laughed on cue (I don’t think my particular audience gets out much). The movie’s driven by an awkward narrative whose sole purpose is to bind together a bunch of ABBA hits — awkwardly. The musical numbers look like they were choreographed by Corky St. Clair; the cute is doled out in toxic doses; and there’s a hell of a lot of fanfare here that was probably meant to explode off the screen but generally pops a thin fart instead (apparently it is possible to drain the chintzy power out of an ABBA song). Despite the cast, production budget, and the trove of classic love-and-dance anthems that prop this thing up, Mamma Mia! comes off like a pastry left in the rain.”

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor: Dustin got a little too cute with his review, writing: “Are you tired of all the quality action films that have come out this summer? Sick to death of complex storylines? Bored with all the dark drama? Exhausted with all that insufferable heart-stopping action? Weary of eye-popping visual effects? Worn-out with all the moral ambiguity? Disgusted with excellent performances from Oscar-caliber actors and actresses? Do you find the need to think to be an arduous experience? Challenging material can be such a bore, am I right? Whatever happened to spoon-fed narratives and telegraphed twists? Where are all the writer-by-committees? Don’t you know: Three writers are better than one! Jesus! Aren’t you fed up with movies that require so much of your attention you’re not able to eat your entire bucket of popcorn, movies so absorbing you’re not even able to get up and go get your free combo refills without missing something important? You’re losing value, goddamnit! Don’t you wish studios would stop hiring competent filmmakers when putting together your beloved empty spectacles? Are you mad as hell? Are you not going to take it anymore!
Well, have I got a movie for you!”

Traitor: Talk about a movie that came and went with little notice. Dan wrote of Don Cheadle’s flick: “From the first flickering frames of a typically ‘traumatic’ opening sequence, to the Middle Eastern music cues and sitar flares, to the tin-ear dialogue, to the necessary plot points, to just about everything else, writer-director Jeffrey Nachmanoff’s Traitor feels like a synthesis of every modern thriller about Islamic terrorists. Basically, Traitor is like the best meal you’ve ever had at Taco Bell: Not as horrifying as it could have been, but still, you could have done a lot better.


A Mercy Book Review | Madea Goes to Jail Trailer



Comments

Meh. I'm glad to be on overload with old, sappy Christmas movies now. And I'm sick (literally) of all the commercials telling me how great Mamma Mia is. I hate their faces.

Posted by: ThunderSacTriumph at December 17, 2008 9:58 AM

Who actually writes the little bits here? I keep meaning to ask.

Posted by: Jay at December 17, 2008 10:00 AM

I've been wondering that myself. Is it just a little throwaway job for Dustin, or do you switch it around? The formula is consistent so it could be anyone if you kept that same style.

Posted by: Snath at December 17, 2008 10:11 AM

I thought each one was made up of snippets of the original review. They're quotes, no?

Posted by: Cindy at December 17, 2008 10:26 AM

Could there be a more perfect DVD Roundup title? I think not. You heard the man, Burn Mamma Mia. You don't even have to watch it to do it...here, I'll show you what you're missing.

Mamma Mia Cliffs Notes (Spoiler-rama, kiddies. Avoid if you like pain.)

- Blonde girl from Mean Girls doesn't know who her baby daddy is. She invites the three possible sperm donors to her wedding (which was impulsively proposed by her "boy") and a jet liner showers the title card with sparkley diamonds. Mamma Mia!

- Mommy's broke, the Inn needs fix'in, and she doesn't know who the father is either. On top of that, her cock crazy best friends show up for the wedding too. Mamma Mia!

- Daddy 1 is James Bond, Daddy 2 is Bootstrap Bill Turner, Daddy 3 is Colin Firth. Mommy is Sister Aloysius, Friend 1 is Mrs. Weasley, and Friend 2 is the Whore of Whoville. I wonder who ends up with who?! Mamma Mia!

- Songs are sung, my ears are bleeding, and by the end we find out that James Bond and Sister Aloysius are in lurve; Bootstrap Bill is being stalked by Mrs. Weasley, Colin Firth is a surprise gay and The Whore of Whoville rebuffs the advances of the young bartender whose behavior does not suggest he's straight in the least. (I smell a sequel...which probably identifies that odor coming from Christine Baranski's hoo-ha during the entire length of the picture.) Mamma Mi---*sound of profuse wretching*

- Blondie and Dakin From The History Boys don't get married, Bond and the Nun do; everyone dances in soap as if it were a rave. Oh, and did I mention THEY NEVER TELL YOU WHO THE FUCKING FATHER IS?! Mamma Mia, the lost M. Night Shymalan masterpiece!

- The movie goes surprise gay itself and has everyone in tight fitting, ugly colored disco jumpsuits. Yes, even the men. Mamma...FUCKING...Mia, Assholes!

Posted by: Mike R. at December 17, 2008 10:33 AM

A particularly alluring/cheesy ad for Mama Mia! is constantly playing on pandora and I watch it every time. I think I've watched it enough times to have pretty much seen the movie at this point. Eeeeeh.

Posted by: kelsy at December 17, 2008 10:36 AM

Mamma Mia is the number one film in the British box office of all time...

Im sleep deprived and Ive gone all John Nash in a Beautiful Mind.

Among other things im trying to use the enterprise theme tune to convince me to ask a girl out while also trying to get some shuteye and stop linking everything to a housemate I could swear was shouting.

I dunno what Im trying to say Ive lost my train of thought. Mamma Mia being the biggst hit at the British Box office ever is still the least rational thing in my head.

Posted by: jim at December 17, 2008 10:39 AM

like the best meal you've ever had at Taco Bell: Not as horrifying as it could have been, but still, you could have done a lot better

The especially poignant thing about this is that Dan loves Taco Bell.

Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at December 17, 2008 10:51 AM

No, I meant they all have an introductory sentence by an anonymous narrator.

Posted by: Jay at December 17, 2008 10:58 AM

Momma Mia is thoroughly enjoyable escapist fare. Abba rules! And the best thing is you can watch it again and again and each time is just as good as the first time. Squeee!

Posted by: sosumi at December 17, 2008 10:59 AM

Also, you realize that boogs is gonna have to fight someone again.

Posted by: Jay at December 17, 2008 11:04 AM

Also, you realize that boogs is gonna have to fight someone again.

Posted by: Jay at December 17, 2008 11:04 AM

And it shall be me...once and for all. (Unless others want to join in, Casino Royale '67 style.)

Posted by: Mike R. at December 17, 2008 11:24 AM

Look. I'm just going to admit here and get it over with. I actually want to see Mamma Mia!. What can I say, it looks like perfectly good escapist fare. So some evening when the Main Squeeze is out (he has no interest in seeing this), I'll rent this sucker and probably love every minute of it. Sometimes, I'm easily amused.

Posted by: tamatha at December 17, 2008 11:47 AM

I didn't think I was going crazy.
I was just in Best Buy yesterday, and again this morning, and I didn't see Burn After Reading on the shelf.
Weird that it's getting a Sunday (12/21) release...

Posted by: Rykker at December 17, 2008 12:18 PM

I'm going to have to take exception to Dustin's take on House Bunny. It is, after all, "a hilarious and heartfelt tale of female empowerment." Anna Faris rules! And the best thing is you can watch it again and again and each viewing is just as good as the first. Double feature night this Friday - Mama Mia followed by House Bunny. It just doesn't get any better than that.

Posted by: sosumi at December 17, 2008 12:48 PM

Sosumi:

The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.
The House Bunny and Mamma Mia sucked.

I figured I'd provide you with that public service...again and again. Also, The House Bunny wasn't female empowerment...its only lesson was, "If you doll yourself up like a whore, maybe people will like you. You can have any personality you want, as long as you flash those gams you'll be a star, kiddo!"

Posted by: Mike R. at December 17, 2008 1:54 PM

Mike R., are you against the flashing of gams? This world has a shortage of fine gams and I don't need you out there mucking it up. Now you bite your tongue, sir. I've heard enough out of you.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at December 17, 2008 2:15 PM

Optimus, the last thing I'm against is the glare of a gam. I just wish people would take it for what it is...a glare of a gam, not a faux battle cry for liberation. Nevertheless, I'm backing out of my mucking about activities.

Posted by: Mike R. at December 17, 2008 2:22 PM

"Gams"? What are you, a 75 year old grandfather?

Is this the 1920s?

Anyway, I refuse to watch Mamma Mia. Ever. I don't like to watch great actors embarrass the hell out of themselves. And that picture of Meryl Streep is horrible enough.

Posted by: figgy at December 17, 2008 2:53 PM

My sister and I went to the Mamma Mia Sing-a-long version. We sang our hearts out (along with the other middle aged female coulples in the audience). Yes, the movie is terrible. Yes, you have to sing loud to drown out James Bond. If you don't, you'll laugh so hard at his tonedeafness that you'll split a spleen. We still had a good time.

Posted by: BWeaves at December 17, 2008 2:55 PM

Did someone mention my name?

Jay, you're right. I will.

Mike R., you've sullied the good name of my beloved Mamma Mia! once too often. You sir, are an ass.

All y'all haters out there better recognize. Despite being way too cheesy, corny and cheerful, MM is possibly (after SatC) the most enjoyable film of the year. Yes. Enjoyable. Not best. Not greatest. Most enjoyable.

Even if you think you don't like ABBA (and really, there are only two kinds of people in this world...those who love ABBA and those who think they don't like ABBA), you'll realise that you actually do after seeing this.

Admit it, bitches. You were humming Dancing Queen for at least two-and-a-half days after watching this...

Oh, and BTW, only three more days left in the USAF!! England, Daddy's coming home!!!!

Posted by: boogs at December 17, 2008 3:37 PM

Boogs I was wondering when you'd show up to break out truce over The Shield. I'm going to surprise you here...get ready...I actually like Abba. However, after seeing this movie I wished I didn't. I was almost ashamed to have enjoyed their music, because that "film" sullied the good name of its musical creators.

I'm also sorry to say it's not the most "enjoyable" film out there. From what I can gather your criteria for "enjoyable" is that while it's not a very good movie by merit and story, it's an exceedingly enjoyable entertainment. If that's the case, then I'm sorry...that honor would go to the film "Wanted". (And it had a kickassed Danny Elfman track to boot.)

In short, I enjoyed Mamma Mia like I enjoy taco shits...with distain, uncomfortable shouting, and much pain. I'm sure I can find a couple others that would back me up on this, and we could all get into a right old scrap just like we did over SatC.

Still, let it be known that I am an ass; and I'm a fine one at that. Good day, sir.

Posted by: Mike R. at December 17, 2008 3:49 PM

Great, now I have 'Dancing Queen' stuck in my head. Thanks boogs.

That just reminded me of how, for the LONGEST time I thought that that song was saying 'you can dance, you can die having the time of your life...' instead of 'you can jive'.

Didn't I feel like an idiot when I found out.

Posted by: figgy at December 17, 2008 4:19 PM

Aww, Mamma Mia isn't so bad. I mean, yeah, it's trite and there's literally no depth whatsoever. Is that really so bad? It's pretty people singing catchy-yet-forgettable songs over a really nice backdrop. I watched it with my mam when she was sick and it cheered her up. I fully look forward to watching it with a few good friends and a big bottle of vodka and enjoying it even more. I mean, I wouldn't describe it as a "good" movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it is what it is and it does it comparatively well. (I also recall the general slant of Ranylt's review being at least vaguely positive, ending with "I think Mamma Mia! sinks deep, in spots, but it also puffs out like an appealing meringue in others; it's part charming and part just plain awful, like the ABBA tunes so many of us love without shame. In that dichotic sense, I guess, the production works." - selectively quoting the review to make it seem like a complete slam is kinda cheating, anonymous staffer)

That said, I do love "The movie goes surprise gay" - nicely done, Mike R.. Hee!

Posted by: Shay at December 17, 2008 7:11 PM

No, I meant they all have an introductory sentence by an anonymous narrator.

I have to go laugh myself silly now Jay. You mean you want to know who wrote "Dustin didn't care for it, writing:" and "Meanwhile, Phillip half-appreciated Death Race, at least, for what it was meant to be, writing:"?

Posted by: Cindy at December 17, 2008 9:41 PM

Ah, go out and get the new-ish Troma release CYXORK 7 starring Ray "Leland Palmer" Wise.....

Posted by: Adam C at December 18, 2008 2:25 AM