A Beer for my Hellboy
This Week’s DVD Releases / The Pajiba Staff
DVD Releases | November 11, 2008 | Comments (13)
Another crappy week for DVDs, save for fans of Guillermo Del Toro. Look for much better releases starting next week, in anticipation of the Holiday Season, save for fans of Toby Keith. Your Christmas starts today.
Beer for My Horses: Agent Bedhead, an Oklahoman, begins her review of the Oklahoma-set Toby Keith movie as such: “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. Beer for My Horses is what some might call the shittiest film to ever come out of Oklahoma, but I, for one, am thrilled that a film finally has the guts to portray Oklahomans as they really are instead of trying to “set the record straight.” Now the truth can finally come out about us Okies: We all really do wear cowboy hats, drive trucks, and live in trailer parks — each and every one of us — and it’s such a relief to no longer have to pretend otherwise. With confidence, I can now trade in my monkeyshines for some backwoods moonshine, which will loosen me up enough to admit that, well, we’re all completely racist too. In fact, when we see colored folk, we feel the need to spontaneously rap with them at all costs…. that is, when we’re not singing country songs about lynching them and naming our movies after these same songs! Ain’t that clever, y’all? Now, “clever” ain’t the same as “wise.” Oh, sure, we’ve got universities here, but that’s just so that we can have football teams. To think, silly me, that all this time I’ve been keeping up this facade of an educashun. Well, those shenanigans are done.
Hellboy II: The Golden Army: After calling out the original Hellboy as overrated, Dustin really, really gave Hellboy II the benefit of the doubt, but it was to no avail. He writes, “Hellboy II: The Golden Army isn’t a terrible movie, it’s just that it’s not worthy of del Toro. It’s a movie he could’ve given to a protégé, a second-unit director with a few films under his belt. Does del Toro elevate the quality of Hellboy II? Absolutely! But Robert Downey, Jr. undoubtedly made The Shaggy Dog a better movie, too, but it was still a fucking movie about a wooly mutt. Likewise, Hellboy II is an empty spectacle — sound and fury and no goddamned soul.
The Perfect Holiday: Our boy, Vermillion, helped out with this one, summing up The Perfect Holiday as such: The Perfect Holiday “has to be one of the most confusing movies I have ever seen. Not David Lynch “WTF?!!?!?” confusing, more like “did those teenage lunkheads working here get the reels mixed up in the booth?” kind of confusing. It’s like a patchwork quilt: It serves its purpose, and parts of it look like good designs on their own. But when stitched haphazardly together by an epileptic monkey, the whole thing looks like a mess and you can’t wait to shove it back into the closet for another 10 months or give it away at a clothing drive.”
Also, Blu-Ray folks: “Firefly,” comes out in that format today.
Comments
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 11, 2008 9:21 AM
Blu-Ray is the biggest scam since One Hour Martinizing.