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Baby Mama and the Paranormal Hour


This Week’s DVD Releases / The Pajiba Staff

DVD Releases | September 9, 2008 | Comments (56)


Baby Mama: Dan’s summary of the following movie boils down to one word: “Serviceable.” He writes, “The film is about a woman who chooses career placement over starting a family and decides to have a child before it’s physically too late. It’s in the same general ballpark of painful self-examination milked for humor that Fey excels at, but unfortunately, first-time director Michael McCullers doesn’t have the storytelling skill or precision to turn a good idea into a good film, and the only reason the whole thing doesn’t feel like one horribly drawn-out sketch is because of Fey’s inherent charm and timing. The film has all the ingredients of a serviceable comedy, right down to the romantic subplot and the annoyingly predictable betrayal by a secondary character, but the tone never gels for longer than a handful of consecutive scenes.”

The Fall: Prisco gives a Prisco-like review of The Fall (allusion-heavy, scattershot, and ultimately spot-on), writing: “Like the gothic sketches accompanying Through the Looking Glass, The Fall weaves its terrifying narrative with bizarre imagery and lush fantastic landscapes. But ultimately, like an opium-addled house of cards, the entire project falls apart under the weight of its own dreary narrative and mind-numbing “artistry.” A lot of people will be lured in by supposed similarity to Pan’s Labyrinth or The City of Lost Children. However, this Pied Piper’s song quickly blats sour notes. You’ll find yourself longing for substance rather than arbitrary visual treats, like a disappointed diabetic visiting Hansel and Gretel’s witch.”

Forbidden Kingdom: The Jet Li and Jackie Chan film throws you a eye-black curveball, as Phillip’s review reveals: “The Forbidden Kingdom is noteworthy for the first onscreen combination of Jackie Chan and Jet Li, two hyper-fast super humans who could beat the piss out of Steven Seagal with their elbow fat. Despite being past their prime, the presence of two screen legends should’ve been something impressive, even to those of us only haphazardly interested in the genre. The problem is, even though this movie stars two ass-kicking titans, they’re treated as narrative sidekicks to — steel yourself for this — Michael Angarano, a thin white slab of dumbass. I’d be much more sympathetic if Angarano had kung fu skills worth a squirt of piss, but he doesn’t, and a few choreographed scenes that probably took the poor sod months to get down don’t mask the fact that he’s in over his head. “

Sarah Landon and the Paranormal Hour: We’d forgotten we’d reviewed this film; hell, we’d forgotten it even existed in the first place. Here’s a taste of Dustin’s review, then let’s never think of it again: “Honestly, I have no fucking idea what I just witnessed. None. That was an ungodly surreal experience on par with being fellated by a hungry barracuda while your Mom stands over you and cleans your ear with a Q-Tip: In other words, it was painfully awful and it made no goddamn sense. Can anyone tell me who the hell Sarah Landon is? Is there something going on in the ‘tween market that has escaped my notice? Are they doing some sort of new drug that alters their mind in such a way as to enliven the dull and appreciate the inept? Or are they just dumb? I simply don’t get it. Have I been duped? Was Sarah Landon a mindfuck Halloween trick that theater exhibitors played on America? And was I the only critic who missed out on the joke? “


Blue Man Group Movie | Pajiba Love 09/09/08



Comments

Baby Mama felt like an SNL sketch that was stretched waaaaaaaaay beyond its service life,


and it was just as funny.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 9, 2008 12:48 PM

But I'll tell you who's "Serviceable", That Tina Fey! I'd like to change her oil! Err... Rotate her tires? (Damn, I know nothing about cars.)

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at September 9, 2008 12:53 PM

"...The problem is, even though this movie stars two ass-kicking titans, they're treated as narrative sidekicks to -- steel yourself for this -- Michael Angarano, a thin white slab of dumbass..."

---------------------------------------------------

Maaaaaaaaan that is SO on the money. WHO THE FUCK cast that little shit for that role, he must be somebody's cousin, or somethin.'ZERO charisma, ZERO screen presence, I wanted the bullies to KICK HIS ASS.

Some people deserve to be abused, on principle, he's one of them.

him and Jake Lloyd.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 9, 2008 1:02 PM

Optimus: Check her coolant levels! Recharge her battery! ...vacuum her floor mat...test out her exhaust system?

Posted by: Julie at September 9, 2008 1:02 PM

OptimusCheck out her glove compartment?

Posted by: Sofía at September 9, 2008 1:05 PM

I'm rather fond of "fully stock her center console" myself.

Posted by: Kolby at September 9, 2008 1:23 PM

How about folding her top...manually?

Or giving her, her 25,000 mile tune-up...by an authorized dealer representative...ah? Yeah..

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 9, 2008 1:30 PM

Use your dipstick and top up her oil?

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 9, 2008 1:31 PM

Mmmmm how about, swapping her ring and pinion from a 3.23 to a 4.10 eh, with original parts from the manufacturer?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 9, 2008 1:34 PM

I'd bleed the air from her brake-lines.

Twice.

Posted by: firedmyass at September 9, 2008 1:37 PM

Use your dipstick and top up her oil?

Heeeee!

Open her hood (too easy)...take her for a test drive (ditto)...rub her trunk with turtle wax?

Posted by: Julie at September 9, 2008 1:37 PM

Flash-test her headlights? Polish her bumpers? Give her a lube job? Fill her tank!

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 9, 2008 1:47 PM

lurker here. you guys sure know how to run with a joke. i wanted to add somehing, but I just sit in awe(disgust?)

Posted by: Vinnie at September 9, 2008 1:48 PM

Jack her up?
Turbocharge her?
Dry her with a ShamWow?

Posted by: BWeaves at September 9, 2008 1:51 PM

you guys sure know how to run with a joke

If something's worth doing, it's worth overdoing! (witness the Phelps/Lopez puns during the Olympics in a PajibaLove)

but I just sit in awe(disgust?)

You'll get used to that feeling, then it'll go away, then you'll join right in!

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 9, 2008 1:51 PM

Oooooooh, how about installing my aluminum driveshaft on her...?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 9, 2008 1:54 PM

Give her a jumpstart...charge her batteries...inflate her tires...tighten her lug-nuts...clean her upholstery...

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 9, 2008 1:58 PM

LH, I was totally going to say fill her tank. HA!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 9, 2008 1:58 PM

Dents her fender and fails to leave a note?

Posted by: Julie at September 9, 2008 2:01 PM

The Fall was wonderful, but whatever floats (or in this case does not float) your boat.

Posted by: lux at September 9, 2008 2:04 PM

Lube & repack her bearings...polish her hubcaps...rack up her mileage...see how she handles...run her to the point of overheating...rev her engine...test her airbags...crash test her panels while probing her combustion chamber...re-gap her spark plugs...

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 9, 2008 2:05 PM

Julie, Turtle Wax her trunk? Damn girl, that's my kind of kink!

Posted by: JR at September 9, 2008 2:05 PM

And also BWeaves I'm guessing you and I are locking in on that same damn ShamWow info/commercial with the guy that looks like Steve Buscemi selling those darn towels. It took me a second to realize that Steve wasn't THAT hard up for money to be hocking those!

Posted by: JR at September 9, 2008 2:09 PM

crash test her panels while probing her combustion chamber

Ah ha ha ha!! And yes please.

Posted by: Julie at September 9, 2008 2:09 PM

All kidding aside, I kind of want one of those ShamWow!s And maybe some Aqua Globes, too.

Posted by: Kolby at September 9, 2008 2:20 PM

Mini-Diversion: Which one of those "As seen on TV" items do we all secretly want to buy?

Posted by: JR at September 9, 2008 2:26 PM

lubricate her valves

Posted by: hosebeast at September 9, 2008 2:41 PM

polish her hood while hosing her mudflaps.

make it stop.

Posted by: hosebeast at September 9, 2008 2:43 PM

See if a piston in her cylinder causes knocking?

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 9, 2008 2:52 PM

Rip out her seats and detail her interior..

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 9, 2008 2:54 PM

Lovingly stroke and caress every surface while whispering sweet nothings as you get her engine purring?

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 9, 2008 3:10 PM

Chop off her top and cut her springs...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 9, 2008 3:40 PM

check her transmission?

Posted by: phquaryn at September 9, 2008 3:45 PM

Maaaaaaaaan that is SO on the money. WHO THE FUCK cast that little shit for that role, he must be somebody's cousin, or somethin.'ZERO charisma, ZERO screen presence, I wanted the bullies to KICK HIS ASS.

Some people deserve to be abused, on principle, he's one of them.

him and Jake Lloyd.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 9, 2008 1:02 PM

Like I posted for the original review, I think that this low-rent Shia LaBeouf must REALLY excel at the ankles-behind-the-ears portion of the audition.

Posted by: Drake at September 9, 2008 3:54 PM

Rub her feet and kiss her neck?

Oh wait, where were we again? Right.

Retread her tires...polish her rotors...shine up her grill...lightly brush her sensitive areas with a feather duster

(slowly run an ice cube down her chest..lower...and lower...)

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 9, 2008 3:59 PM

Slap some nitrous on her and tint her windows...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 9, 2008 3:59 PM

Wine her, dine her, then sixty-nine her...test her cylinder's bore/stroke ratio...cherish her and see other men get jealous when you show up inwith her

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 9, 2008 4:07 PM

Lordhelmet, you're totally going home later and molesting your car's tailpipe. :p

Posted by: Julie at September 9, 2008 4:12 PM

Lordhelmet, you're totally going home later and molesting your car's tailpipe. :p

Am not! I'll just pay some special attention to ladyhelmet, maybe take her out for a drive, go parking somewhere...

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 9, 2008 4:22 PM

somewhat car related, but here goes...

I'd like to jack her up and see if she'd fall for the old banana in the tailpipe trick.

Posted by: JH at September 9, 2008 5:00 PM

Wax on - wax off...? Too easy?

Posted by: Sofía at September 9, 2008 5:02 PM

Sell here at a Rocky's Auto Dealership and get 0% APR on a brand new 1987 Ford Fuckbucket that is BEGGING TO BE YOURS?

Oh...wait. I'll shut up now.

Posted by: figgylicious at September 9, 2008 5:19 PM

Check her vacuum intake...load test her trailer ball mount hole...seal her transmission tunnel...and make sure there are no tranny issues!

Posted by: Che Grovera at September 9, 2008 5:42 PM

Clean her rims? Test her suspension? Re-wire her audio surround-sound system with in-trunk CD changer?

Posted by: Shay at September 9, 2008 5:45 PM

Ok, one more (for you Brits out there): give her a good shag..upholstery job.

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 9, 2008 6:05 PM

I'd resurface her flywheel and wet her clutch..

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 9, 2008 6:20 PM

Well, if she were a motorbike I'd ride her hard, holding on tight as we go ecstatically screaming up the hills, letting her down gently before bringing her to the red line over and over, coming to a glorious finale involving sweat, gravel, oil, leather, rubber, and lots of panting, put her away wet, then tenderly wipe her down until the next time.

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 9, 2008 7:22 PM

I'd fuck her.

Posted by: jM at September 9, 2008 7:29 PM

Re-bore her cylinders

Posted by: Rykker at September 9, 2008 7:42 PM

I'd park my tricycle in her garage.

Posted by: hatemail at September 9, 2008 7:47 PM

I'd remove her drivetrain and sanblast evvvveryyy inch of her body. And then, I'd spray her with thick, lustrous, white Dupont lacquer Color code #ABN9149 N9149 A082B6294F.

Oh yeeeeeaaah...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 9, 2008 7:49 PM

I'd take her for a real joyride.

Posted by: lordhelmet at September 9, 2008 7:55 PM

(someone, I'm not saying who, has been trying desperately to shake some ShamWow action around here the past few days. So check around, I think he's got some great deals, if you act now)

Nothing for Poehler?

Nothing?

Sure, my adoration has a governor on it due to her being A. married and B. to that guy who's on that show that people will never shut up about that I don't enjoy watching it although I do think he's honestly got talent but still, that beanpole motherfucker can take a walk and get away from that paragon of cute.

At least Tina's married to a guy that looks like me. Makes ya feel good, in a bittersweet way.

The morning I saw it I predicted that someone was gonna write a crabby, underrating review in a couple hours and then there it was.

What, are Slim and I the only two who even saw it? Weird. And I should've known I could count on him to get into Earl Scheib territory.

Posted by: Jay at September 9, 2008 8:41 PM

BAM!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 9, 2008 8:42 PM

Nice! Ever saw a girl sorta like her on ♥ ♥ wealthydater.Com ♥ ♥ It's an online dating service where wealthy singles can join who are looking for younger unattached people to enjoy their wealthy lifestyle with.

Posted by: sexyguy at September 9, 2008 10:56 PM

Huh...well we sure ran that skit to the ground.

Very SNL.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 11, 2008 6:18 AM