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June 3, 2008 |

By Dustin Rowles | DVD Releases | June 3, 2008 |

The Eye: Of one of the many forgettable Jessica Alba films to hit the big screen of late, Agent Bedhead writes of The Eye: “Aside from that wee bit of romantic tension, The Eye is an overly long snoozer. Horror films aren’t supposed to be monotonous and dull, but somehow, this film manages to do just that. Each scene is drawn out to extraordinary length, which doesn’t add to the suspense as much as it does the yawn factor (or what the filmmakers might call “atmospherics”). Alba’s portrayal of fear is limited to countless shots of her peering around corners and into ovens.” AB ultimately concludes, “Unfortunately, with a lackluster script and tedious pacing, The Eye can’t even redeem itself with a healthy amount of Alba ass (body doubles are used, and it’s obvious).”?

Meet the Spartans: You probably don’t need a summation of our opinion on Spartans, so I’ll just offer you my favorite paragraph from Phillip’s review; it pretty much says it all: “If I could retroactively participate in our second annual (Sh)it List, I would, because Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (a pseudonym) belong on it. This debauched pair of fuck-knuckles have somehow taken the laziest genre of comedy and become the Beavis and Butthead of it, having co-directed, co-produced, and co-written a host of films that aren’t worth their weight in liquid feces: Date Movie, Epic Movie, and now Meet the Spartans. Needless to say, I hope both of them die from some form of nutsack-cancer.”

Semi-Pro: Dustin got a little weird with the opening paragraph to his Semi-Pro review, but there’s nothing like bringing back an embarrassing moment to rub in his face:

“Pointless. Stupid. Motherfucking Bullshittery. Crabapple lobotomy ho-dickey loogey tickle fuckfuck rabbit-out-of-my ass cocksucker DO ME! Crystal gravy horn-rimmed ASS CRACK! Dingleberry, orange -chicken dandelion rape ANAL FACTORY! Squeeze my TESTICLES! Drink my EJACULATE! Father my ASS GERBIL! Brain Shart. Jesus Christ ate my NUTSACK!

Slam dunk.

Cue disco music.

… and that, folks, is a pretty decent summary of Semi-Pro, the latest in Ferrell porn, a subgenre that keeps pump, pump, pumping out the jokes, nevermind that there hasn’t been an erection in the house since halfway through Talladega Nights, and even then, it was a softie, a comedic limp dick that’s been shooting blanks for a couple of years now.

Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show: The documentary, which follows Vince Vaughn and four up-and-coming stand-up comedians and they cross the country, doing 30 shows in 30 nights, got a so-so review from Dustin. He writes, “Wild West works best as a snapshot in life of a stand-up comedian. The director, Ari Sandel, does a decent job of capturing the neurosis, the depression, and the despair of, at least, these four comedians, and how their own insecurities inform their routines. For the sake of the comedy, however, I just wish they had had more unpleasant personal experiences to pull from besides fast food jobs, adolescent roller-skating rink humiliations, and typical dating angst.”

Also out this week: “Weeds” Season Three, “Rescue Me,” Season Four, “Mannix,” Season One, and “The Incredible Hulk,” Season Three.

Semi-Pro Meets The Eye

This Week's DVD Releases / The Pajiba Staff

DVD Releases | June 3, 2008 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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