free counter with statistics DVD Releases 05/13/08 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Youth Without Mad Money

This Week’s DVD Releases / The Pajiba Staff

DVD Releases | May 13, 2008 | Comments (29)


The Great Debaters: For inexplicable reasons, Dustin took the review opportunity to go after Oprah Winfrey, who produced Debaters, writing: “The only person I can hate in this equation is myself for allowing Oprah and her subliminal mind-control to win me over with a feel good story when all I want to do is feel miserable. Solipsistic bitch. I loathe you for your ability to attach great dramatic talent to a stirring, though formulaic, film about subjugated African-Americans in the Jim Crow South overcoming insurmountable social and political obstacles to become the first-black debate team to take on the reigning debate champions, Harvard, and actually defeat them. Oh, sure: It’s movie we’ve seen scores of times now — Glory Road and Remember the Titans to name just two, but you knew that white and black folks alike fall for that David and Goliath underdog bullshit every time, didn’t you? Yeah, you did: That’s why you exploited us, isn’t it Oprah? This isn’t about making a film with a talented ensemble of actors, an inspirational storyline, and a positive social message, is it? It’s about abusing us — taking our money in exchange for a moderately entertaining two hours and leaving us verklempt and slightly uplifted, isn’t it? You harlot. You business-savvy, wench. I hate you and everything you stand for — well, except for racial equality and all that philanthropy, but you know what I mean. Don’t you? Take your feel-good, bullshit movie and shove it up your ass, lady — I mean, after I’ve already seen it and derived all the pleasure I’m going to get out of it.

Mad Money: After mourning the passing of Joey Potter, Dustin writes simply that Money was a tepid film, at best: “After a week on the talk-show circuit, and seeing the dichotomy between the characters in the movie, the old Katie Holmes, and the preprogrammed, soft-spoken animatronic slenderbot that’s been haunting me on the small screen all week, it’s hard for me to argue that the woman can’t act. She deserves an Oscar for at least one of those roles; I just don’t know which one. Anyway, Mad Money is designed, at least, to be a (light, so very light) female-empowerment flick about three women who throw caution to the wind and decide to rob the federal reserve, but what it really is is a 100-minute time suck that lightens your wallet and leaves you lethargic.”

Untraceable: Of this Diane Lane flick, Agent Bedhead writes, “Director Gregory Hoblit (Fracture, Primal Fear) weaves a sordid and highly derivative tale that, presumably, shall awaken us to the true horror of our voyeuristic tendencies. Apparently, the collective “we” no longer can separate the concepts of right and wrong, and thus, we are in need of this sort of film as a jolt to our hidden humanity. The problem is that, to make its point, Untraceable preys upon every cliché of the seldom celebrated torture-porn subgenre.” Bedhead then concludes, ultimately, that “While it’s quite easy to dismiss Untraceable for its double-talking jive, the harder truth is that this just isn’t a very good film.”

Youth Without Youth: Daniel focuses his review of Youth on its past-his-prime director, Francis Ford Coppola: “It’s been a cinematically fallow decade for Coppola since his last film, The Rainmaker, and his latest, Youth Without Youth, is clearly meant to remind us all that Coppola was once a formidable storytelling talent. And indeed, there are fragments of the film that work well, and serve as a realization that once, a long time ago, Coppola had a voice and a vision and the sheer bravado to carry it all off. But if he was once Col. Kurtz, forever mumbling and sweaty in the jungle while the world changed around him, he’s since become Martin Sheen’s Capt. Willard, journeying upstream into the mouth of madness for no other reason than that of blind ambition and boredom. There are ideas and pieces of Youth Without Youth that feel like something absolutely brand new, as if Coppola finally made it to the new world he’d been charting in his mind the whole time, but most of the film is willfully impregnable, clunkily told, and stubbornly ambiguous.


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Comments

methinks we won't be seeing any of these.

Posted by: wsapnin at May 13, 2008 9:57 PM

A long life in the "3 for $10" bin awaits these titles.

Posted by: BFFredo at May 13, 2008 10:41 PM

I ain't got no sympathy for that cunt Katie Holmes, she thought she was going to be marrying Ethan Hunt but instead she married a closeted homo with a Hitler fetish. And to top it all off, that fag pulled her out of Batman because he thought motherfuckers wasn't going to take his Scientology shit serious. How the fuck do you let some queer tell you to leave Batman? Bitch Batman is about to blow up, they're going to be making more money than Halliburton. And what the fuck are you left with? You're left with trying to sell baby pictures.

Posted by: Pookie at May 13, 2008 11:04 PM

I didn't know the guy responsible for Untraceable had also directed Fracture. I recently watched Fracture. It was an execrable waste of the lead actors' talent, of film stock, and of my time, due to one of the shittiest scripts I have ever had to suffer through. Can somebody take Gregory Hoblit's cameras away from him?

Posted by: Jerce at May 13, 2008 11:28 PM

Is Scientology anti-Batman, Pook? That's just wrong. I mean, is it because their alien worshipping ways cannot accept a hero WHO CAN BEAT SUPERMAN! (Yes, fellow Paji-nerds, I am hoping to derail this one early.)

Posted by: TyranThesaurus Rex at May 14, 2008 12:15 AM

Pooks, baby--tell us how you really feel.

momma thinks you need a scientolohug.

Posted by: wsapnin at May 14, 2008 12:21 AM

"momma thinks you need a scientolohug.
Posted by: wsapnin at May 14, 2008 12:21 AM"

hehe! That conjurs an image of electrodes and chambers full of dry ice. And tinfoil diapers.
But you know, probably with soothing music playing.

Posted by: Loob at May 14, 2008 1:20 AM

conjures. x)

Posted by: Loob at May 14, 2008 1:21 AM

TyranThesaurus Rex

This is nearly a weekly debate between my friends and I, and the verdict is almost always Batman. Although if we open it up to a wider range of heroes, I'm partial to go with Iron Man or Spidey.

Posted by: Alex McQ at May 14, 2008 1:30 AM

No, no, nononono, the Batman always wins, my heart at the very least. But also that important stuff, like ass-kicking contests. Iron Man is a decent-paced second, but only when RDJ is in the suit. And speaking of wacko religions, is anyone else tempted to see what his/her soul looks like with a free Kabalistic test?

Posted by: Geetch at May 14, 2008 2:06 AM

"And speaking of wacko religions, is anyone else tempted to see what his/her soul looks like with a free Kabalistic test?
Posted by: Geetch at May 14, 2008 2:06 AM"

I wouldn't dare peel the mask back. :D

Posted by: Loob at May 14, 2008 2:24 AM

I love the look on Katie Holmes' face in that photo. "I sold my soul to L. Ron Hubbard and I only got fifty bucks for it?"

Posted by: Kris at May 14, 2008 2:30 AM

I would use this time to portray the meh/bleh/eh sentiment illicited by this week's DVD releases, but I'm distracted by the image of a bloodied mock corpse being burned next to a man in a chicken suit.

Posted by: J_Capri at May 14, 2008 3:32 AM

I'm going to overlook all the gay slurs, Pookie.

I actually almost rented Mad Money today.. and then went for the twosome of There Will Be Blood and No Country For Old Men. Bam.

Posted by: Mara at May 14, 2008 3:50 AM

Nightcrawler always wins. He just teleports them into the other dimension. No chance of getting back. Also i have to wonder if it's possible for Nightcrawler to telefrag someone...

Posted by: Chugga at May 14, 2008 3:54 AM

Nightcrawler always wins. He just teleports them into the other dimension. No chance of getting back.

There is no way in which Batman has not already accounted for this. Two words: crazy prepared. There is no beating him.

Seriously.

Also: Amen on Fracture, Jerce. Who would have thought they could put Ryan "eyes of infinite soul and over all method acting hotness" Gosling and Anthony "for the love of God I played Hannibal Lecter why don't I get decent roles any more" Hopkins in the same film and make it so... dull? It was a formulaic "thriller" (the laziest genre this side of the rom-com, at least torture porn requires a special effects budget and some time in makeup) so obviously my flatmates loved it. Le sigh.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at May 14, 2008 4:39 AM

I didn't hate Fracture, but I did think it squandered its potential. Of course, I could have been feeling inclined towards being lenient on it, since I've been on a weird investigative procedure/courtroom minutae kick just lately.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at May 14, 2008 4:48 AM

Regarding the Batman vs Everyone debate:
I'm with Alex The Odd on this one. Batman's the ultimate hero: a freakin' genius and naturally gifted warrior with an (effectively) unlimited budget.

He'd totally have anti-alternate-dimension tinfoil woven into his utility belt.

Posted by: Ed at May 14, 2008 6:40 AM

I'm wearing Batman boxer shorts right now. It beats all my other boxers, including my Superman ones.

No, really. I am.

Too much info?

Sorry 'bout that.

Posted by: TK at May 14, 2008 9:17 AM

Also, while Fracture and Untraceable may be vomitous masses of suck, I can never truly hate the man who brought us Primal Fear and thereby introduced the world to the beautiful, difficult genius that is Edward Norton.

Posted by: TK at May 14, 2008 9:20 AM

anybody else notice the spambot has been trying a different tactic lately?

nice to see it change it up a bit, that bot's got versitality

none of those movies look good and amen to Batman kicking everybody else's ass at everything

Posted by: Bethy at May 14, 2008 10:04 AM

Screw Batman. I've hated every one of the movies, and that includes the old Adam West one. I saw Iron Man last night, and he could whoop Batman's ass. And Jeeves/Jarvis/whoever, would crush old doddering Alfred in a minute with his army of puppy robots with fire extinguishers. When it comes down to it, Iron Man is a rich genius with and iron suit and a cool garage. Batman is just a rich guy with a cave and cape and a utility belt. No contest. That, and I want to have Robert Downey, Jr.s babies, and I want them now!

Posted by: BWeaves at May 14, 2008 10:55 AM

The man can sneak up on Superman.

Also, World's Greatest Detective.

Posted by: Jay at May 14, 2008 11:01 AM

I've been on a weird investigative procedure/courtroom minutae kick just lately.

That was what irritated me about that script: there were far too many shortcuts and out-and-out wrong bits re both investigative procedure and courtroom procedure. That is because to be true to procedure (i.e., to reality) would have scuttled the half-baked plot. It was an insultingly stupid script.

Posted by: Jerce at May 14, 2008 11:03 AM

Iron Man is a rich genius with and iron suit and a cool garage.

Batman has iron suits. And not just alternate reality Batman either. He just chooses not to wear them. AND STILL HE KICKS ASS.

Also, the worst Iron Man ever really got was really, terrifyingly drunk. Batman had his spine broken, only to come back a beat up the guy who took his place.

So you can plainly see what side I fall on.

Posted by: Vermillion at May 14, 2008 12:02 PM

Wow, an almost unanimous decision. This is rare. Have I found a place where my ideas are mirrored so closely that debate is meaningless? Christian Bale v. Brandon "I have no other acting credits to my name" Routh? I can't even bring myself to play Devil's Advocate.

Posted by: Tyranthesaurus Rex at May 14, 2008 12:44 PM

Plus: Batman survived a cinematic ass-raping at the hands of Joel Schumacher. Nuff said.

Posted by: Ed at May 14, 2008 1:07 PM

Plus: Batman survived a cinematic ass-raping at the hands of Joel Schumacher. Nuff said.

Agreed. Anyone who could come out of that mess alive deserves every accolade we can throw at him.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at May 15, 2008 5:22 AM

Well now, just because Batman can beat him doesn't mean I don't love Superman. Not that I'm still angry about the dismissal "Superman Returns" was given.

Okay, I am.

Posted by: Jay at May 15, 2008 6:27 AM