Alvin and the Chipmunks: I think that you only need to know three things about Alvin and the Chipmunks: 1) Jason Lee has completely lost his dignity; 2) David Cross will be able to pay his rent for another year; and 3) this bon mot Agent Bedhead took from the film, noting “nothing can redeem the horrifying moment when Theodore poops on the couch”:
Simon: “It’s a raisin, Dave.”
Dave: “Prove it!”
(Simon pops Theodore’s poop into his mouth.)
You need no other reason not to see this film.
Good Night: Think of Good Night, Jake Paltrow’s directorial debut (yeah, he’s Gwyneth’s brother) as Martin Freeman’s mulligan. Actually, scratch that: Freeman hasn’t actually made a decent film since Hitchhiker’s, has he? The Good Night (which also stars Simon Pegg, Gwyneth, and Penelope Cruz) is a lot like a Michel Gondry film, if Michel Gondry had Paltrow blood running through him. In other words, it’s pretty to look at, but generic and very underwhelming. In the end, as Dustin writes, The Good Night is “not an awful film, nor is it poorly made; it’s just a bland combination of tedious mockumentary, obvious romantic comedy, and (worst of all), an extended dream life.”
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street: John sums up Sweeney Todd the movie, and the backstory behind the Johnny Depp character, as such: “How and why Todd becomes a maniacal killer is a thin story, and the lack of plot or character development ultimately dooms the movie to boredom,” and concludes, “The real problem is that everyone begins and ends the movie exactly as they began it, so in the most important dramatic sense, nothing happens. What does occur is too campy to be truly frightening and too jugular-spurting to be much fun.”
What Love Is: I’ve never heard of this movie, nor seen the title until it showed up on this week’s DVD release schedule. It features a Who’s Who of has-been actors, who probably never should’ve been in the first place: Cuba Gooding, Jr., Sean Astin, Gina Gershon, and Matthew Lillard. Even Anne Heche is in it. We didn’t have a review of our own, but my favorite comment from an IMDb user will probably suffice: “What Love Is appears to have been regurgitated by an unsuspecting toilet.”
Judging from the trailer, I think he’s hit the toilet on the head:
Sweeny Todd SHOULD be waiting for me when I get home. If not Netflix and I are in a fight.
Posted by: Julie at April 2, 2008 12:28 PM
Yeah, say what you want about the others, but Johnny Depp can do no wrong. I really enjoyed Sweeney Todd!
Posted by: Zoe at April 2, 2008 12:30 PM
I am stunned by the use of both Deelite AND EMF in that preview. I'm not sure if I should cry, or just completely fucking weep.
Posted by: courtney at April 2, 2008 12:30 PM
"2 'munks & a cup"
worked for me...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at April 2, 2008 12:30 PM
Find that IMDb commentor and offer them a contract. What's in your "contract" anyway?
Posted by: anikitty at April 2, 2008 12:42 PM
Oh Matthew Lillard. I had such a crush on you in Hackers.
I hooked up with someone because they resembled you.
First he disappointed me, and then you disappoint me. What happened?
Posted by: Gem at April 2, 2008 12:50 PM
Gem, I'm not sure, but I think Wing Commander happened to Matthew Lillard.
Posted by: Kitty X at April 2, 2008 12:54 PM
Yeah Kitty, and Scooby-doo was a sad affair too.
Posted by: Gem at April 2, 2008 1:07 PM
I wanna know what happened to Sean Astin, is Lord of the Rings the only decent thing he's done? You'd think he'd get better stuff off the back of that, all the others did.
Posted by: Gumble at April 2, 2008 1:10 PM
That's funny, I always thought that Matthew Lillard being a complete fucking vacuous hole where anything resembling talent goes to DIE happened to Matthew Lillard.
Gem...I hate to break it to you, but you were disappointed because it was Mathew Lillard. And then the dude that resembled Mathew Lillard? That's like thinking a Pinto is a fucking sweet ass ride, but you can't quite go that fancy...so you got a car that LOOKED like it might be as reliable.
But in reality...Matthew Lillard is just about smart enough not to shit on his own foot when he craps in the woods and that's about it. Consider yourself lucky you didn't end up with something that required a doctor's visit and some topical cream to get rid of.
Posted by: PissBoy at April 2, 2008 1:16 PM
I will not stand idly by and allow this Sean Astin trash talk. Even if you don't care for Lord of the Rings, Rudy, or Encino Man, don't pretend you don't love The Goonies. He was Mikey! The asthmatic dreamer wearing denim-on-denim!
Posted by: Lannie at April 2, 2008 1:17 PM
is Lord of the Rings the only decent thing he's done?
Sounds like it's pretty serious that I've never seen or heard of Goonies. Getting on amazon now. And don't get me wrong, I have plenty of love for Sean Astin. Lord of the Rings pretty much cancels out the crap.
Posted by: Gumble at April 2, 2008 1:21 PM
"2 'munks & a cup"
worked for me...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus
BWA-HAHHAHAHHAHA, perfect!
Posted by: BWeaves at April 2, 2008 1:23 PM
...i think I just shit my pants Gumble.
Honestly? That's like not knowing you have feet til someone points them out. This is in NO WAY intended as a dig, but are you at/around/or younger than 20?
Posted by: PissBoy at April 2, 2008 1:24 PM
"I've never seen or heard of Goonies"
Holy fucking Christ. How is that even possible?!
I can only attribute this to either a) a generation gap, b) you grew up in a foreign country that prohibits movies, or c) You're an alien who has been sent here to kill us all.
Well. That's quite a pickle.
Posted by: TK at April 2, 2008 1:25 PM
Gumble, remedy that quickly or you shall meet the chompy end of PissBoy and TK's mutant bunny-riding zombie army. :)
Posted by: Julie at April 2, 2008 1:31 PM
Hey, I'm only 21 and I have heard of and loved the Goonies since I was but a wee lass.
So the generation gap can't be the reason Grumble hasn't heard of Goonies, he must me an alien.
Posted by: Wormer at April 2, 2008 1:34 PM
Sorry!! Gumble, not Grumble...
Posted by: Wormer at April 2, 2008 1:35 PM
I have had a 28-year crush on Josh Brolin because of The Goonies.
I'm just glad he made No Country recently, because now I don't have to explain my lust to people anymore.
Posted by: Mella at April 2, 2008 1:37 PM
I have had a 28-year crush on Josh Brolin because of The Goonies.
Hell. Yes. My first sexual fantasy involved Brand.
Posted by: Julie at April 2, 2008 1:40 PM
I dont' think it's a generation gap. Not long ago, they had a midnight movie showing of the goonies... and it was packed full of Youngins... Prior to the showing of the movie, they were giving away prizes... best prize went to the guy who did the Truffle Shuffle... Hmmm... Truffle Shuffle... (yes, it was me... and I'm damn proud of it.)
Posted by: Nico at April 2, 2008 1:49 PM
As you should be, Nico. As you should be.
Posted by: Julie at April 2, 2008 1:50 PM
gumble, oh wow, honey. other than the goonies (which is in my top five of all time), rudy. i don't like football. i also try to avoid any movie that can be described as "heartwarming" or "inspirational". i was a grown woman before i watched rudy and by the end i was in tears running around my house chanting "ru-dee!ru-dee!" rent it.
Posted by: kb at April 2, 2008 2:04 PM
Hey Gumble: Don't feel bad. I've never seen Goonies, but I have at least heard of it. At this point in my life, I have no desire to see it. Of course, I did watch "Silent Shakespeare" last night, and the films were from 1899 through 1908 AD, so I'm not exactly in a Goonies frame of mind right now.
Posted by: BWeaves at April 2, 2008 2:06 PM
Can anyone else see the little ad that says Chewbacca: The Original Wingman? Cause that made me giggle like an 8 year old at a fart joke.
Who in the hell cut the trailer for uh, Love, um, you know, the one with the smell of failure all over it? Groove is in the Heart was my favorite song that I owned on a cassette tape when I was eleven or some shit. Maybe one of the scenes in the movie features Mambo Number 5 or a ditty by Right Said Fred. Fuckups.
Posted by: Dangle McGee at April 2, 2008 2:13 PM
[Gives Gumble a horrified look]
...never...seen...or heard of...Goonies! Oh, I am so sorry. You have truly missed out on something marvelously delicious...like Data (or Short Round, if you're familiar with another whip-slingin universe). He was my hero growing up...I tried to invent tings around the house and drove my mom crazy. Ah, good times, good times...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 2, 2008 2:16 PM
I think we need a Pajiba Weekend Project. Everyone should watch (or re-watch for the 1,763rd time) The Goonies. Then we should all come back here on Monday and calmly discuss how it is the GREATEST KIDS MOVIE EVER MADE.
Posted by: Kolby at April 2, 2008 2:16 PM
And, I, as an 11 year old boy, had quite the crush on Andy. So sweet, pretty, nice, the red hair. So much to like about Andy.
Goonies is one of those formative movies that has totally pervaded my conciousness.
My sister started dating a guy name Troy a year and a half ago, and all I could do for the first few months was refer to his car as "Troy's bucket" and keep yelling "Andy... You.... GOONIE!" from time to time.
Whenever my wife asks for a copper pot, I reply, "You mean your Chester Copperpot?" which inevitably leads to a few (most likely horribly offensive) "Chester Copperpot"'s in my best Data impersonation.
Often when someone complains about needing to go to the bathroom I give them the old "Hey, Mikey... Gotta go to the bathroom?"
In addition to those, I use the phrases, "Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here" and "Ye intruders beware" much more often than anyone ever should.
Growing up with cable will do that do a fella...
As for Sean Astin, he was also Rudy.
Posted by: ajax19 at April 2, 2008 2:17 PM
"SLICK SHOES?! Are you crazy?!"
Posted by: Julie at April 2, 2008 2:18 PM
Yeah, I've never seen the Goonies either, but I've heard of it my whole life and I'm 21.
*ducks*
I WILL be seeing it this summer when I have fuck all to do for three months except contemplate the real world sneaking up on me. Trust me, I have a file called "Summer Netflix list". It's on there. Nearish the top. Sweeney Todd is in the "maybe" section, none of the other movies being released this week are anywhere near the list.
My Goonies love has no end. I was married to my husband for 3 fucking years before I discovered he had never seen Goonies. I promptly made him watch it that very night. It almost questioned my sanity for marrying him. Seriously. How does one make it 20 some years without ever watching the Goonies?
Posted by: Elizabeth at April 2, 2008 2:22 PM
Julie: Pincers of Power!!!
Posted by: Kolby at April 2, 2008 2:27 PM
Julie, I dare you to love Sweeney Todd as much as I did. In fact, I think I'm gonna go buy it tonight and watch it...just because...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 2, 2008 2:28 PM
Wow, really is a big deal, sorry to scare you guys! I just ordered it now. I don't know how many of these are contributing factors but I'm 18 (and female, for the record), British and obviously woefully ill versed in 80s classic cinema. I have seen The Princess Bride though, so I'm not a totally lost cause.
Posted by: Gumble at April 2, 2008 2:31 PM
Hee! Kolby, Data was always my favorite :) "I'm setting booty traps!" "Booby traps?" "That's what I said! God, these guys."
I love the recurring "That's what I said" jokes with Mikey, his mom, and Data.
Shadows, I'm really excited to watch it. I love anything that pairs Tim Burton with Johnny Depp. Well, almost. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was just ok.
Posted by: Julie at April 2, 2008 2:32 PM
Wow, you can't buy Rudy on Region 2. That's a let down.
Posted by: Gumble at April 2, 2008 2:35 PM
Sorry, LOVED Sweeney Todd. Johnny Depp with faux Cruella hair and pinstripes waving razors about and killing Borat made me hot. I refuse to see Chipmunks on the grounds that, once again, Hollywood is polluting what little good is left from my childhood (ALVIN DOES NOT RAP!!!! EVER!!!!) And, Sean Astin was great in The Goonies, and LOTR. I got to meet his dad a few years ago when he was doing a one-man show of Edgar Allen Poe. Thank godtopus Sean did NOT inherit his dad's looks.
BTW, open letter to Dustin, TK, PissBoy, Skittimus, Alex, et al who are working on Pajiba wear......I am going to be on national TV soon. I really am....Google me(video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-us&vid=03e0b6f8-bd0f-4fa0-b02c-5086.) I would LOVE to have any Pajiba, WBNS, TB, Godtopi, etc. item to wear. So, if anybody has anything ready soon, please let me know.
Posted by: dammitjanet at April 2, 2008 3:02 PM
Wow, you can't buy Rudy on Region 2. That's a let down.
No. Not really. Notre Dame sucks.
I think you'll have sufficient Sean Astinage if you watch Goonies and the Lord of the Rings movies. If you're really desperate seek out Toy Soldiers. He's in that one too along with that guy who played Wesley Crusher in Star Trek: The Next Generation and Louis Gosset Jr. It's horrible.
Posted by: ajax19 at April 2, 2008 3:05 PM
"I got to meet his dad a few years ago when he was doing a one-man show of Edgar Allen Poe. Thank godtopus Sean did NOT inherit his dad's looks. "
Hey now, that's John Astin you're talking about. John Astin is the shit. Okay, he's kinda goggle eyed and toothy, but he's cool as hell so he's sexy/ugly. He must be approximately 314 years old by now, but I'd still let him do dirty things to me.
ajax19 - Ah ok, I'll satisfy myself with LOTR and Goonies. I think my brother used to watch Toy Soldiers when I was little so I know to stay pretty clear of that.
Posted by: Gumble at April 2, 2008 3:15 PM
I was talking with a friend about "Alvin" when it first came out. She had taken her kids to see it, and recommended it. I had just read Bedhead's review, and I said I can't watch anything where one character eats another character's poop. She replied "but that scene was really funny." **sheesh**
Posted by: rlr260 at April 2, 2008 3:26 PM
Rudy is awesome, regardless of team affiliation.
Posted by: twig at April 2, 2008 3:31 PM
Dammitjanet...can you just post a link to the vid? I googled and got nothing. (
Posted by: PissBoy at April 2, 2008 3:31 PM
and when I ask for the link it's because the one you listed above, when pasted into a browser says no longer available.
Posted by: PissBoy at April 2, 2008 3:33 PM
try this link
www.theroot.com/id/45451
Posted by: dammitjanet at April 2, 2008 3:40 PM
Dammitjanet, that's so exciting!
Posted by: Julie at April 2, 2008 3:43 PM
Bahahaha I love quotes from the Goonies. Thanks for that little gem, Julie. The only one I can ever really remember is the classic
"HEEEEEEEEY YOU GUUUUUUUUUUUYS!"
Which is how I always call upon my friends in any kind of drunken stupor.
Aw, man, that trailer reminded me of the "South Park" episode where they fly to Scotland and have to watch trailers for Rob Schneider movies. They might as well have just had everyone saying, "Derp de derp de derp derp derp!"
Posted by: Geetch at April 2, 2008 6:16 PM
I actually watched Goonies again this past weekend, which lead to some Monday morning IMDB'ing of the cast. As it turns out, John Astin is not actually Sean's biological father. His mom (Patty Duke) was married to a Michael Tell for a month & he's the daddy. They did a DNA test and everything. It's possible that I'm biased by my love of the movie and my unending lust for Brand, but I felt like the movie actually holds up. But, I might be delusional.
Posted by: Smello at April 2, 2008 6:18 PM
So...Sarina...toothy goofy-looking old men are what do it for ya, huh?
dammitjanet, that's awesome! You go girl! (Yes, I just said that...shut up...I couldn't think of anything else to say...) We definately gotta get the prototype shirts to you asap. Would the Bus(ted) Tour shirt, with names of future victims on the back, be edited out, do you think?
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 2, 2008 6:44 PM
So...Sarina...toothy goofy-looking old men are what do it for ya, huh?
If they're awesome as hell and have a hilarious sense of humour, then yes.
I've seen "Goonies" 10.000 times and I DO live in a country where movies were a contraband item till I was 14. Mouth ruled my world long after Corey Feldman went wayyy down the sewer.
"Toy Soldiers" was the first movie I ever owned (on VHS, I know, we were in the Dark Ages back then) and I refuse to watch it again, it was a childhood classic.
Posted by: Irina at April 3, 2008 12:50 AM
I can't believe people are sticking up for Matthew Lillard and Sean Astin and no one has come out to defend Gina Gershon's honor.
I mean, come on people! Would you really want to live in a world without Showgirls?
Posted by: SpazzyMcGee at April 3, 2008 1:54 AM
Would you really want to live in a world without Showgirls?
...Yes. Immediately, if not sooner.
Posted by: Jen at April 3, 2008 3:09 AM
The Goonies = main reason for heavy boyish crush on Martha Plimpton. I wanted to marry her and give her lots of babies.
I miss Martha Plimpton. I practically get a boner just from pronouncing her name.
Posted by: Adere at April 3, 2008 3:35 AM
Last I heard, currently on Broadway and still single!
Obviously destiny is still waiting for me to finally catch up to it. I'm sure there was subconscious early attraction towards short hair happening there (and unlike Kerri Green she looks exactly the same!).
Thank you, Jay. I looked her up right after my comment and she's more gorgeous than ever, be it sporting long whitegolden locks.
Rumours of a sequel are recently stirring up (deal with it, people), which I think is why there's a picture of "the cast today" floating around the nets (you can see it at retrojunk).
Posted by: Adere at April 3, 2008 8:15 AM
Apparently the aforementioned pic in my previous comment ain't so recent after all. And she's back to a short coupe. Damn untrustworthy internets.
Posted by: Adere at April 3, 2008 8:20 AM
gooniez r great.... my kids loved it. toy soldiers too.
i know depp gravitates toward oddities... but...
this sweeney todd thing.. i just don't get it...
musical or movie.. it's absurd.
culturally speaking.. what'z next?
"The Wire" as broadway musical?
portends of public executions as primetime pay-for-viewing.... eyeroll.
bread/circuses peepz... bread/circuses.
what was up w/the "ill timed" Xmas season release of this anyway? blinkblink. dis....tasteful.
Posted by: kikz at April 3, 2008 9:31 AM
dunno about editing out future victims on the back, but I think he's the kind of guy who would agree with us, don't you?
Posted by: dammitjanet at April 3, 2008 9:55 AM
"Goonies", "Grease", & "Amadeus" I saw these at the Kachina Theater In Scottsdale, Widescreen, 70mm & 6-Track Stereo..., I remember the projectionist crankin' them all.
I think I just came from the memory...,
Posted by: Sly D at April 3, 2008 2:13 PM
I have had an illicit download of Sweeney on my computer for a couple weeks (a line of text reading "FOR AWARD CONSIDERATION ONLY" pops up once). I really dug that movie.
Posted by: Kevin at April 3, 2008 4:19 PM
Who knows...he may be one of the posters on here!
That'd actually be pretty hilarious.
Obama?
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at April 3, 2008 4:29 PM
Sweeny Todd SHOULD be waiting for me when I get home. If not Netflix and I are in a fight.