DVD Releases 03/05/08 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

This Week’s DVD Releases / The Pajiba Staff

DVD Releases | March 5, 2008 | Comments (134)

Awake: Unbelievably, Dustin has absolutely no memory of this film and had to refer back to his original review, written just three months ago. It had Jessica Alba in it, and either Hayden Christianson was in it, or it was about some guy falling asleep during a surgery, or both. All that he can remember, really, is a burning desire not to do a play on words with the title. Also, that you shouldn’t watch Awake because it will not keep you in that state (doh!).

Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead: This movie was one of John’s favorites in 2007, and his review suggests as much: “Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead is a hard-boiled, full-throttle New York joyride that revels in seamy characters, bad intentions, and sweaty palms. Think your family is dysfunctional? Well, let’s see. Are you having sex with your brother’s wife on a weekly basis? Are you and that same brother botching an armed robbery … of your own parents’ jewelry store? No? Then get in line, pal.” John then concluded that the film “is the kind of entertainment that Hollywood should produce more often — human-scaled but fantastical, slick but not nihilistic.”

Into the Wild: There was a lot of controversy in the comments to this review, both over the movie itself and what kind of person the lead character, played by Emile Hirsch, was — a spoiled brat or a “genuine pilgrim.” John writes, nevertheless, that the film was “not flawless. Like most stories about spiritual searchers, it sometimes flirts with New Ageism, and it has to sneak in a heavy-handed reference or two to Jesus. It also hops around in time, a successful way to flash forward to (and back from) the bus in Alaska, but a much less satisfying (if necessary) method of learning about Chris’ life before he disappeared.” In the end, however, John concluded that Into the Wild, ” blemishes and all, was in the running for the best of” 2007.

Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium: No, it wasn’t that good, but if you’ve got kids, and Natalie Portman makes your head swim, you could do a lot worse, though it’d be damn near impossible to do worse than the performance Dustin Hoffman turned in as ” part Willy Wonka, party Nutty Professor (the Jerry Lewis version) and part Rain Man.” But Dustin, who watched it shortly after having a child, completely punked out, writing “I went in determined to see the film as a kid might, and while the little boy in me was disappointed with the movie, he was able to put aside his critical faculties so that the adult in me could appreciate the wonder and magic that I think Helm intended.” What does that even mean? What a fucking putz. Own up, Rowles: It sucked. Stop being a limp dick.

My Kid Could Paint That: Director Amir Bar-Lev explores a fascinating subject: Controversy over a four-year-old child prodigy and her abstract paintings, which gained national notoriety and sold for thousands of dollars, but which later had their authenticity called into question after many suspected that her father had contributed significantly to the works. The documentary never seems to resolve the mystery satisfactorily, and while John seemed to like the movie well enough, he was disappointed that no one bothered to explore why it even mattered on an artistic level.

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Comments

"...Unbelievably, Dustin has absolutely no memory of this film..."

That makes two of us...buuuut, since Rowles is a "movie critic" I'm gonna go ahead and blame him AND all you clowns, for not keeping me up to date.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 5, 2008 9:16 AM

Well, there are a couple of good ones coming out, anyway.

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium: Aw, poor Dustin gets so much shit sometimes. My theory? He'll refrain from giving a completely "scathing review" to anything with either Natalie Portman or Keri Russell in it, and will instead take it out on Katherine Heigel later.

I'll give him this - Portman and Russell are beautiful and magnetic enough to make anybody turn to putty. So I suppose I understand.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 5, 2008 9:17 AM

Excuse me, Heigl. Not that anyone on Pajiba gives two shits about the spelling of her name.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 5, 2008 9:22 AM

Despite my pronunciations of doom, my then-girlfriend and a couple we were friends with went to see Awake. I did take intense pleasure in warning them beforehand. It was just as bad, if not worse, than Dustin made it out to be. We had more fun after the movie making fun of every aspect of it than we ever had in the movie. We were even too numb to make out during it.

Which is such a shame, since Fisher Stevens was in it. He needs to find some good films and/or series to be in.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 9:23 AM

Fisher Stevens was in it. He needs to find some good films and/or series to be in.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 9:23 AM

---------------------------------------------------

HIS NAME is Mr. The Plague

Got that.

Good

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 5, 2008 9:26 AM

We were even too numb to make out during it.

I'm gonna be sorry I asked, but were you planning on having a swingers lickfest with all four in the theatre?

And you do this often?

Posted by: Adere at March 5, 2008 9:38 AM

Hehe...swingers lickfest....

1). My girlfriend and I sat separate from the other two by a row (her choice).
2). The theatre was practically empty when we went to see it.

So we figured if we didn't like the movie, we could always find other ways to entertain ourselves. But like I said, the movie depressed us with its awfulness so much neither of us were in the mood.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 9:45 AM

HIS NAME is Mr. The Plague

Awesome. Just awesome. You are too cool, BarbadoSlim, I had forgotten his name. I hope I can be forgiven.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 9:48 AM

". . . though it'd be damn near impossible to do worse than the performance Dustin Hoffman turned in as " part Willy Wonka, party Nutty Professor (the Jerry Lewis version) and part Rain Man." But Dustin, who watched it shortly after having a child, completely punked out . . ."

Did anyone else read that as "Dustin Hoffman watched it shortly after having a child," and freak out?

Posted by: BWeaves at March 5, 2008 9:50 AM

Fisher Stevens will always be Iggy to me.
... from Super Mario Brothers. The movie.

Also, Patrick Swayze has 5 weeks to live, maybe.

Posted by: Stew at March 5, 2008 9:57 AM

"HIS NAME is Mr. The Plague"

Goddamn I haven't watched that movie in ages. It was what started my (and so many others') insane crush on La Jolie and for that it holds a special place in my heart. Another reason: the magical swirly computer worm surrounded by floating mathematical equations.

Now I need to hunt myself down a copy. So bad it's fabulous.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 5, 2008 10:04 AM

Watch out tt_marie, Heigl is going to get up and make some speech where she should be grateful for something but instead goes on and on about what a moron you are for that misspelling.

BWeaves - I also had a momentary lapse where I wondered if Dustin Hoffman had just had a child, and with who.

Posted by: katy at March 5, 2008 10:07 AM

BWeaves - YES I DID. And was very puzzled.

And B-Slim, we are now responsible for keeping you in the loop? That hardly seems fair... How can we keep you up to date when you're the first person to hit these articles?! I'm calling foul.

Posted by: TK at March 5, 2008 10:09 AM

Is it bad that immediately after reading BSlim's comment, I went to wikipedia, and am currently reading the plot synopsis to Hackers with glee and fond remembrance?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 10:09 AM

Uh oh... I fear my movie cred is about to take a beating but... what is the Mr. The Plague reference?

Anyone?

Posted by: TK at March 5, 2008 10:11 AM

I'm just going to throw this out there: Hackers was a god awful movie. And not, in my opinion, in the so-bad-it's-good way.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 5, 2008 10:13 AM

Fisher Stevens will always be the psychiatrist Phoebe dated one episode and instanalysed all the characters to their own discomfort. His rant on the circle of 6 and those stupid big coffee cups who could "as might as well have nipples on them" is classic.

"Define me! Define me!"

Posted by: Adere at March 5, 2008 10:13 AM

Ah, Hackers. Got it.

Never seen it. Looked like crap. Was I wrong?

Posted by: TK at March 5, 2008 10:15 AM

In my opinion, yes you were indeed wrong TK.

I cannot possibly explain my devotion to the cultural gem that is Hackers. Sweet, wonderful, utterly inaccurate Hackers.

It stars Matthew Lillard! And Angelina Jolie's Breasts! And at one point Johnny Lee Miller wears a coat that I covet to this day!

Seriously: It's trashtastic.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 5, 2008 10:18 AM

Ah, Hackers. Got it.

Never seen it. Looked like crap. Was I wrong?

Posted by: TK at March 5, 2008 10:15 AM

You, are dead man, and so is your first girlfriend, and that slut you fondled on that subway and then you ran away in that crowd so the cops never found you...(yeah, *I*... KNOW!), and your first puppy and that guy that made you felt funny about your sexuality (we all go through that but we never talk about it) and every person whom you ever met THEY ARE ALL ...DEAD!

*writes on list*

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 5, 2008 10:20 AM

The Psychiatrist on Friends! (slaps forehead)

That's where I recognized him from when I watched Lost last week.

Posted by: katy at March 5, 2008 10:26 AM

I remember that episode, Adere! That was a really good one. I love the way they all look at each other uncomfortably when he, wholly accurately, psychoanalyzes them. I knew they weren't going to keep him on the show very long because of that.

Hackers is a secret shame and hidden crush. Yes, it stars AJolie's breasts (young Jolie, too! before the work). Yes it stars Matthew Lillard (coincidentally, when Scream first came out, I knew the killer had to be his character. I mean, come on, he was Cereal Killer!!!). Not everyone is gonna like this movie...it is the epitome of cheesiness, and it features computers, which have never been done well in movies and even worse back then (I mean, seriously, the worm was all glowing graphics with stuff flying around the screen?). But it was special, and fun, and great to laugh at.

And did we mention Angelina Jolie's breasts?

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 10:29 AM

Damn Slim, it don't take much to get on your list, does it. Is it as good as a certain dragon movie?

You know, I was CONSIDERING sparing your life when I eventually burn the internet down. Obviously, I am retracting that consideration.

[breaks bottle on bar]

LET'S ROCK!

Posted by: TK at March 5, 2008 10:34 AM

I love Fisher Stevens because he was in Early Edition. I'm a sucker for those "change history before it happens' shows like this one, Quantum Leap, and Journeyman.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at March 5, 2008 10:41 AM

[breaks bottle on bar]

LET'S ROCK!

---------------------------------------------------

Oh, we doing this?

*John Woo style*

*Pulls two Beretta 9mms*

I'm going slo-mo...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 5, 2008 10:42 AM

Oh! *cue in white dove*

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 5, 2008 10:43 AM

TK - The only draw that I see is a young Angelina Jolie showing off the goods.

I thought the plot was silly, the dialogue was sillier, and the acting was very meh. Miller's character does his hacking indoors with dark sunglasses on - does that not annoy anyone?

The film has no connection to reality whatsoever, which may irritate anyone who's at all tech savvy. The chemistry between Jolie and Miller was a little bit of a saving grace, but overall, I thought Hackers was fairly lame. Sort of entertaining - maybe; there's action and the music will keep you awake. But not worth watching twice and definitely not worth making a fuss over.

Sorry to all who disagree, but I just don't see the attraction here. Except for Angie's boobies.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 5, 2008 10:43 AM

What the holy hell is Hackers? Was it a TV movie?

Oh and Slim, you made your first mistake when you said you'd harm a puppy. Your second would be not to take this threat seriously.

[arms self with pointy-ended umbrella and stands next to TK (damn, he's tall)]

Posted by: Kolby at March 5, 2008 10:43 AM

I LOVED Hackers! Matthew Lillard was hilarious, Angelina Jolie was hot (and topless!), the movie is horribly outdated (and I think it was kind of outdated even when it was released). I loved them checking out a 'state of the art' laptop and gushing over its 28.8kbps modem!!

Posted by: Patrick C at March 5, 2008 10:44 AM

Oh and Slim, you made your first mistake when you said you'd harm a puppy. Your second would be not to take this threat seriously.

[arms self with pointy-ended umbrella and stands next to TK (damn, he's tall)]

Posted by: Kolby at March 5, 2008 10:43 AM
------------------------------------------------

BRING IT! I've been wanting to kill you..... for years...

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 5, 2008 10:45 AM

Serious moment: Slim, do me a favor and email me... I got a question for you (uncooked.meat@gmail.com).

OK, back to the issue at hand:

Aw, fuck. Who brings a bottle to a gun fight? I'm so stupid!

[slaps forehead]

OK, fine. I'm calling in the zombie hordes.

Posted by: TK at March 5, 2008 10:47 AM

Uh oh, TK. Better put on your bullet-proof sweater vest.

Kolby, use him as a human shield.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 5, 2008 10:47 AM

HAH!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 5, 2008 10:49 AM

[walks in, sizes up cage match about to go down]

Hmphf.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, as long as no one has anything bad to say about Roseanne...

[cracks open a.m. beer, sits at the bar to watch]

ALRIGHT. Let's see it boys and girls.

Posted by: boo at March 5, 2008 10:51 AM

I hate the movie Hackers with the fire of a thousand encrypted computer codes, and yet I find myself watching at least 20 minutes of it every time it's on Encore. It may have to do with my teenage crush on Johnny Lee Miller.

Remember how bad Lorraine Bracco's acting was? Good times.

Did anyone else actually watch Sneakers last night? Cause...I did.

"...give him head?"
"...be a beacon?"

Posted by: Julie at March 5, 2008 10:52 AM

Yes, it stars AJolie's breasts (young Jolie, too! before the work).

I can't be the only one on Pajiba who's seen Foxfire.

Posted by: twig at March 5, 2008 10:53 AM

Uh oh, TK. Better put on your bullet-proof sweater vest.

:giggles uncontrollably:

P.S. Fisher Stevens is and ALWAYS will be Ben from Short Circuit. Number 5 is alive, bitches.

Posted by: Julie at March 5, 2008 10:55 AM

twig: Seriously, that movie made me think I might be gay. Seriously. I had fantasies about that asian chick for weeks....

Posted by: boo at March 5, 2008 10:56 AM

Seriously.

Posted by: boo at March 5, 2008 10:56 AM

Ha! Twig, I rented Foxfire during a sleepover party when I was about 17. I need to rewatch that, if only for my complete adoration of Rilo Kiley and Jenny Lewis in general.

Posted by: Julie at March 5, 2008 10:57 AM

Julie: In fact I did watch Sneakers. It [dodges bullet] was a joy to see again.

And yet it always [fires back, directs zombies to defend Kolby because seriously, an umbrella?] makes me sad to see River Phoenix.

Posted by: TK at March 5, 2008 10:58 AM

I'm going to make some popcorn for the BSlim/TK throwdown. Does anyone want me to save them a seat?

Posted by: Nicole at March 5, 2008 10:59 AM

Well, as far as I'm concerned, as long as no one has anything bad to say about Roseanne...

[cracks open a.m. beer, sits at the bar to watch]

ALRIGHT. Let's see it boys and girls.

Posted by: boo at March 5, 2008 10:51 AM
--------------------------------------------------

The only good thing about Roseanne was Becky #2

And, I'm still in John Woo slo-mo, EVERYBODY knows, you can't hit me.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at March 5, 2008 11:00 AM

Hey! It's has a pointy end! Who's side are you on, anyway?!

[switches umbrella for stiletto heel]

I'm about to get Single White Female on a bitch.

Posted by: Kolby at March 5, 2008 11:02 AM

Sigh...I know. He was so cute in that scene where he's dancing with Liz, so sweet and so young.

"fires back, directs zombies to defend Kolby because seriously, an umbrella?"

Really Kolby, you could at least borrow on of the Whiskeybabyninja's throwing stars.

Posted by: Julie at March 5, 2008 11:03 AM

I can't be the only one on Pajiba who's seen Foxfire.

:::sheepishly raises hand::: I may own it....

I [nearly trips over headless zombie body] may also own Gia for the same reason...

I did get Sneakers, but I'm watching that tonight. Last night was other movie [ducks as shrapnel hits the wall next to him] watching night. L.A. Confidential movie watching night.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 11:03 AM

Sure thing Nicole. Grab me a beer while you're up wouldya?

*tosses Kolby a knife*

Seriously dude, don't hurt the shoes.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 5, 2008 11:04 AM

[slowly lowers beer to bar]

You just had to go there, didn't you Slim?

[loosens katana in sheath]

I mean, it wasn't already difficult enough, what with you going at it with TK and kolby, was it, my friend?

[steps up bar stool, stands on bar, sheathed blade just in front of her eyes]

Begin.

Posted by: boo at March 5, 2008 11:04 AM

[surreptitiously tosses BSlim another couple of clips

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 11:07 AM

ONE of. Geez.

I know why [gleefully chugs a car bomb as Kolby nut stomps B-Slim] you own Gia, Shadows...it's Mercedes Ruehl, isn't it?

Posted by: Julie at March 5, 2008 11:09 AM

DAKARON! [narrows eyes]

I should have known... While I can respect someone who owns Gia (as it has a certain scene that's worth watching on a loop) this I CANNOT FORGIVE!

ZOMBIE HORDES! DEVOUR AT WILL!

Posted by: TK at March 5, 2008 11:13 AM

Oh yeah, Julie, she [ducks BSlim flying slo-mo through the air] was in it, wasn't she?

Okay, hold on. We can't have a proper conversation in here with all the noise. Take it outside...there's more possibility of extraneous explosions and more room for doves to fly.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 11:15 AM

Holy bejeebus, is it B Slim against the entire Pajibaverse?

I almost want to side with him because I fear for his life...

Nah.

Carry on, all. Nice whack with the heel, Kolby - SWF indeed. I must say, those shoes are ADORABLE.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 5, 2008 11:16 AM

[dodges zombie, chops off head]

JEEZUZ TK, control those fuckers please!!

Alex, do have your [ducks undead bearhug] anti-zombie axe on you??

Posted by: boo at March 5, 2008 11:17 AM

AAAAHH!!!

[whips out chainsaw from holster on back]

COME ON, YOU UNDEAD SONS OF...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 11:17 AM

Um...Netflix has a 4/15/08 realease date for Before the Devil Knows You're Dead

Posted by: Brian at March 5, 2008 11:20 AM

Oh, hey, Vermillion...wait, no, no, ahhhhh!

[fires flame-thrower at undead V, melting his eyeballs]

Posted by: Kolby at March 5, 2008 11:22 AM

Eeeerm ...

[reaches behind bar and pulls out sports bag]

Let's see I've got throwing stars, a machete, flamethrower... Aha! Anti-Zombie axe! This what you're looking for sweetie?

[tosses axe over to boo]

Only on Zombies ya hear me. I'm not taking sides here. Morally I'm with Bslim on this one but I can't bring myself to side against TK. It's a moral mess.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 5, 2008 11:25 AM

[grabs axe from air]

Thanks Alex! Fucking Zombies. Never hire the Undead as mercenaries, people! TK, you should know better....

[runs out into the smoke-filled street to find BSlim]

Posted by: boo at March 5, 2008 11:28 AM

Hackers is a bad movie --> death threats --> barfight --> gunfight --> zombie hordes --> extraneous participants + wide-eyed spectators --> chainsaws --> flamethrowers --> moral dilemmas --> THE BEST INTERNET FIGHT EVER. Nobody can escalate like a Pajiban.

Posted by: Smithy at March 5, 2008 11:29 AM

You want escalation?

[pulls pin from grenade with teeth]

You got escalation!

[tosses grenade in Slim's general direction]

Posted by: Kolby at March 5, 2008 11:33 AM

Yesss! *gleefully munches popcorn as limbs go flying*

Posted by: Smithy at March 5, 2008 11:35 AM

Sigh.

[begrudgingly picks up Holy Hand Grenade, turns you all into a flaming pile of Pajidebris]

Posted by: Julie at March 5, 2008 11:38 AM

EEEP!

[ducks grenade and mows down another zombie]

Now boo, remember that I was saying good stuff bout Roseanne in the other thread....and Kolby...ummm...uh oh...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 11:39 AM

Ha! Kolby beat me to the hand grenade.

[instead joins Smithy and makes melts marshmallows for smores over your roasting corpses]

Posted by: Julie at March 5, 2008 11:40 AM

Eee hee hee. "makes melts." Julie love grammar.

[sips Blueberry Wheat Beer, contemplates how to make Pajijerky from Pajimeat]

Posted by: Julie at March 5, 2008 11:42 AM

[helpfully provides graham crackers from dorm stash]

Mmm, s'mores! Lightly scented with crispy Pajiban!

Posted by: Smithy at March 5, 2008 11:43 AM

Seriously, I hope you girls are being careful over there. The last thing you want is to accidentally chow down on zombie meat (yeah, that sounds less filthy in my head) - it's not good for the digestive system.

Posted by: Alex the Odd at March 5, 2008 11:48 AM

[runs back in, wiping zombie blood from katana and axe]

Sorry guys, I tracked BSlim to the t-shirt, thread, but the trail went dead.

[shoves blade through the neck of still-twitching zombie]

Hey, Smithy, pass me some s'mores.

[wipes blood from hands, sits back down at bar and picks up half-drunken beer]

Ahh, what a nice day, eh?

Posted by: boo at March 5, 2008 11:50 AM

Um, girls? Julie and Smithy? You two want to go to another bar? I think the roof is going to collapse...I'm serious, look at it. It's on fire. Actually, everything's on fire and I'm getting a little sweaty.

There's a mechanical bull that needs riding just down the street.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 5, 2008 11:51 AM

So... the bar is in San Antonio, tt_marie? Interesting place for a battle to the death.

Posted by: Smithy at March 5, 2008 11:54 AM

[perks up]

Mechanical bull? Three hot pajibans? I got plenty of quarters!!!

[skewers the last zombie on the chainsaw and leaves it there]

I was wanting to get rid of that thing anyway...my sword's in the shop...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 11:54 AM

There's a mechanical bull that needs riding just down the street.

HA! :takes off bra: Lets go earn some free drinks, Smithy.

Posted by: Julie at March 5, 2008 11:55 AM

I'm so glad others associated Sneakers with Hackers. Sneakers is what first came to my mind when it was mentioned. What a great movie. Under-appreciated gem?

[Avoids bar fight while watching from pool room]

Posted by: katy at March 5, 2008 11:56 AM

Not sure, Smithy, not sure.

TK and B Slim brought us all here; I'm just drinking the beer.

Although...if you're going to battle to the death with Pajibans and zombies and Pajizombies, why not do it in San Antonio? I sort of see the logic behind this.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 5, 2008 11:57 AM

Yes, ma'am! *fetches cowboy boots* (Which I actually do have, and are red, the way every good Texas girl's should be.)

Posted by: Smithy at March 5, 2008 11:57 AM

"...the way every good Texas girl's should be.)..."

There are good Texas girls?

[ducks and runs out the room.]

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 12:02 PM

Well, good at some things, anyway.

Posted by: Smithy at March 5, 2008 12:04 PM

I'm going to get a round of shots. And make some more popcorn.

Alex, can you watch my beer?

Posted by: Nicole at March 5, 2008 12:05 PM

Let's move this party down the street. Mechanical bull riding sessions on me! (for the ladies, of course)

...I just realized that TK and BSlim are the ones who thoroughly diverted this thread. And they're not even here now!

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 12:08 PM

SoD - That's because they're either zombies or dead at this point. This was a brutal war.

Posted by: tt_marie at March 5, 2008 12:13 PM

Titty_Marie, make sure you wear two sports bras while riding the bull, we wouldn't want you to knock yourself unconscious.

:laughs and laughs and laughs:

Posted by: Julie at March 5, 2008 12:19 PM

I distinctly refused to see Hackers because it was aired on Disney Family one night; and that alone turned me off to it. Even with Angelina & Matthew Lillard (who I love when he plays a crazy guy)

Foxfire...haha! I wanted my friends and I to tattoo flames on ourselves like AJo & co. did in the movie, but I was too chickenshit to ask.

Posted by: Brie at March 5, 2008 12:20 PM

What the HELL happened up there?

Sweet christ, this place gets stranger and stranger...

And to think the whole time this was going on, I was sitting outside in the MurderTank, engine idling, having a butt, sipping on a chai and chuckling over today's "Family Circus" - completely oblivious to the shenanigans happening indoors...

And perhaps saddest of all - laying here, on the sluice-floor is my brand new, engraved, flaming-plasma chainsaw, still in the box... unused... (sigh)

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 5, 2008 12:32 PM

"Titty_Marie, make sure you wear two sports bras while riding the bull, we wouldn't want you to knock yourself unconscious."

That's just wrong. Funny, but wrong...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 12:32 PM

I ain't (un)dead yet!

Fuckin' zombies seem to have slipped out of my control, however. Goddamn black arts, completely fucking unreliable!

Man, this is some nasty shit. I mean I am literally up to my elbows in gore.

Slim, I blame you for this mess.

Posted by: TK at March 5, 2008 12:34 PM

"And perhaps saddest of all - laying here, on the sluice-floor is my brand new, engraved, flaming-plasma chainsaw, still in the box... unused... (sigh)"

Umm....not exactly...unused anymore....hey, let me get that back to you...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 12:34 PM

Skittimus: "chuckling over today's "Family Circus"

Grrr...

[Cocks guns, turns to Skittimus with dead-eye stare.]

Motherfucking Family Circus? Oh, hell no.

Posted by: TK at March 5, 2008 12:37 PM

Now now, TK, haven't we had enough violence for one day?

[eyes gun in front of him...just in case]

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 12:41 PM

TK, I'm picturing carnage now on a Dead Alive scale.

[grabs lawnmower in case more zombies arrive]

Posted by: Julie at March 5, 2008 12:46 PM

"Now now, TK, haven't we had enough violence for one day?"

Fuck that noise. I'm just warming up... I've got a taste for it now.

Posted by: TK at March 5, 2008 12:48 PM

[readies the boots for Family Circus-lover stomping]

Some things just ain't natural.

Posted by: Smithy at March 5, 2008 12:50 PM

Listen... The chai and chuckles over the funnies is MY morning time. You seriously don't think I can constantly run on hate and liquor, do you? I need a little down time here...

And I AM sitting in the MurderTank, fer chrissakes, not a PT Cruiser... (no offense to anyone who may own/has owned a PT Cruiser - there's been more than enough blood shed this morning...)

SOD, as long as it's fulla gas and the hair/bone chunks aren't gunking up the thing, no sweat.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 5, 2008 12:52 PM

Only the undead would find Family Circus amusing...

Sorry to have to do this to you, Skit...

[readies flamethrower]

Die, ZOMBIE SCUM, die!!

Posted by: Kolby at March 5, 2008 12:54 PM

Uhh...Skittimus? I would close up the MT and roll out, if I were you. These people are all kinds of riled up now.

By the way, you can take me along, right? I don't like that crazed, bloodlusted look in Kolby's eye....

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 12:59 PM

[pours a handfull of zombie blood over head]

Skit, a zombie?

[casually grabs sword]

RRRRAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWKKK!!

Posted by: boo at March 5, 2008 1:00 PM

[wanders into bar, late as usual]

So, did they raise the price of White Russians in here or something?

[flinches as a single tile from a pillar comes loose and smashes on the floor]

Posted by: Dill The Devil at March 5, 2008 1:01 PM

Skitt, you'd better start praying to your almighty godtopus that Kolby and Boo have shitty aim.

Welcome Dill! [hands you a beer, a raincoat, and a fire extinguisher]

Posted by: Julie at March 5, 2008 1:04 PM

C'mon now, it's one of those ones with the dotted line showing how they get from place-to-place... It's fun, right?

At least it ain't friggin' "Cathy" or "Sally... Whatsherfrick". Or... uh... "Mark Trail" or...

C'MON, I CAN"T BE FRIGGIN' FURIOUS AND DISTURBING AND VULGAR AND RANTING ALL THE GODDAM TIME... JAYSUSKRIPES!! WE CAN'T FIGHT EACH OTHER! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT AICN WANTS US TO DO!!

Plus, you can't kill me - I figured out a way to rig the MurderTank up with a whiskey-fountain near the potty...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at March 5, 2008 1:04 PM

DIE SKITTIMUS, YOU ZOMBIE MOTHERF-

Wait.

What?

Whiskey fountain, you say?

It... it's beautiful.

[single tear]

Posted by: TK at March 5, 2008 1:08 PM

I was so dorkily gleeful at the hilarity of this thread that all I could think while reading it (and while trying to smother the laughter) was, "Love Pajibans! Love Pajibans!" Which, considering the fight and all, such sentiment is completely out of place.

How in the hell am I ever supposed to get any work done people?

Oh, and if Dill is having a White Russian, then I'm ordering a Tabish.

Posted by: tamatha at March 5, 2008 1:08 PM

[drops in midflight]

Oh.

Hey Skit. How's it going?

[quickly slips blade into sheath]

"Whiskey" just makes everything beautiful, doesn't it? You can really put it with any word, and it will make it better.

Kinda like "fuck."

[whispers to Skit]
I wouldn't talk about You-Know-What Circus anymore, dude. TK is soooooo on edge.

Posted by: boo at March 5, 2008 1:24 PM

"...a whiskey-fountain near the potty......"

Awesome! You never have to leave! Now just have a mini-fridge with beers and some snacks, and I'll never leave.

TK is soooooo on edge

Ahem...yeah....he is [stares pointedly at boo]

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 1:34 PM

I repeat: No big boobs here, no matter what you are hoping for. Although the sports bra comment was funny, Julie, I admit it.

And why did everybody start fighting again??!? I'm gone for an hour and all hell breaks loose.

I don't understand you people! Why would you go through all this trouble with knives and swords and kung-fu and zombies when you can simply slip someone some arsenic at bedtime?!?

Posted by: mini_tt_marie at March 5, 2008 1:40 PM

mini_tt_marie- I'm guessing that it's because arsenic takes too long. Also, clearly not violent enough for our gore-hungry friends.

Posted by: tamatha at March 5, 2008 1:42 PM

when you can simply slip someone some arsenic at bedtime?!?

Well, where's the fun in that??

And I am NOT ON EDGE, you bastards! B-Slim started it! He threatened me!

Alright. Break time's OVER.

Zombies horde! Get back on the fuckin' clock!

WE GOTS MORE KILLIN' TO DO!!

Posted by: TK at March 5, 2008 1:45 PM

[blushes... no, wait. That's blood]

Why whatever do you speak of, Shadows??

[looks around, looks at the ground, giggles uncomfortably, and a bit wildly]

Posted by: boo at March 5, 2008 1:46 PM

Alright. Break time's OVER.
Zombies horde! Get back on the fuckin' clock!

Somehow, the imagery of a bunch of zombies sitting around on corpses, calmly drinking coffee and reading the paper, came to mind.

Maybe a couple down the street, slouched in an alleyway, sharing a cig and chatting about the weather...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 1:48 PM

twig: Seriously, that movie made me think I might be gay. Seriously. I had fantasies about that asian chick for weeks....

For this reason, boo, you shall be spared.

I suggest you get about 3 miles away from that melee. You too, Alex my love. I cannot let an opportunity to take out so many enemies in one fell swoop. I will meet to all after I finish here in orbit.

Three simple words: WAVE. MOTION. GUN.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty-1zWsXFNs

Posted by: Vermillion at March 5, 2008 2:11 PM

'Just LOOK at the refresh rate on that screen!'

Thank god Hackers taught me about such quality considerations. It's hard enough to sketch the fray without decent refresh rates. It gets too blurry otherwise.

Posted by: replica at March 5, 2008 2:15 PM

Three simple words: WAVE. MOTION. GUN.

Okay, I get the hint...I'm leaving...fast

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 2:16 PM

I repeat: No big boobs here, no matter what you are hoping for.

Noted and forgotten, Big_Boobs :p

Posted by: Julie at March 5, 2008 2:17 PM

I beg all of you, for your own sakes, not to watch "Awake." It was seriously the most godawful thing I've seen in years. There were a couple parts that were so bad they made me laugh, but mostly it wasn't funny-bad, just bad.

Posted by: Cady at March 5, 2008 2:59 PM

Are y'all done with the flame-throwing, zombie-siccing, katana-brandishing yet? Damn, a girl leaves for a couple of hours and when I get back there's blood all over the walls, brains on the floor, and no one saved me a spot by the whiskey fountain. *sniff*

Posted by: Nicole at March 5, 2008 3:58 PM

[leaning against whiskey fountain, holding a bloodstained tumbler in one hand and a zombie head in the other]

AWWWW! Nicole, comee over her' shhheetheart.

[drunkenly gestures to place next to her]

There'sh plenty of roooooom!!!

[pushes cadaver to make more floor space]

Posted by: boo at March 5, 2008 4:47 PM

[walks back in, sees boo and Nicole cuddling, opens mouth to say something, closes it and walks back out]

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 4:51 PM

* walks in, almost slips on viscera on the floor, turns and leaves. Has her shoes to consider, after all.

Posted by: that bees chick at March 5, 2008 5:10 PM

viscera - what a beautiful word.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 5:28 PM

[regains consciousness, clambers unsteadily out of whiskey fountain, slips immediately on a pool of congealed zombie viscera, spins 180 degrees and plunges face-first back into whiskey fountain.]

Posted by: Dill The Devil at March 5, 2008 6:09 PM

SoD, don't be jealous. You can be the filling in our Oreo cookie of whiskey love. By the way, boo is adorable. All three of her.

Posted by: Nicole at March 5, 2008 7:03 PM

I had to read FoxFire for a class a few years ago, and we were told by our professor not to watch the movie...ever. Not because she thought we'd watch it instead of reading the book (I don't think profs care that much, if you're that stupid, it's your own fault), but just because it's a bad, bad transfer. So, I still haven't seen it, but I heard that Jenny Shimizu is in it, and I instantly knew that this was something entirely different. Is anyone familiar with both? Do you wanna rap with me?

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at March 5, 2008 7:08 PM

Not to stray from the current topic at hand, but I thought "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead" came out on DVD next week.

Posted by: _cG at March 5, 2008 9:29 PM

I would just like to point out, for no reason at all, that Fisher Stevens was an executive producer on (oh, and I guess had a small part in) Awake. Thanks, IMDB, for helping me connect those dots!

Posted by: OhRosieMyGirl at March 5, 2008 9:52 PM

Ouch. Thanks, OhRosieMyGirl, for cracking some of my man-crush for The Plague. I'll forgive you this once, as long as you never, ever mention that again.

[walks back in]

Alright, Nicole. As long as she keeps that katana sheathed...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 5, 2008 9:58 PM

Jesus suffering fuck!

You guys have made mode damn mess in here than a Buffy and Spike shaggin' party!

I can hear water.

*walks over to the MT*

TK? Boo? Watcha doin'?

*gasps*

oooooooh! whisky fountain

What the...???? You did not...

MOTHER FUCKER! THIS TASTES LIKE... JW!

Skit, you are over.

*swipes boo's katana*

Posted by: general rhubarb at March 5, 2008 11:00 PM

This is oficially the awesomest comments section in Pajiba history, which is a lot in itself. We Pajibans kinda rule, right? Right? Then why don't I get laid more often?

Posted by: Irina at March 6, 2008 4:54 AM

I *heart* you guys and your Zombie fightin'.

Posted by: lilianna28 at March 6, 2008 10:36 AM

"Everybody was zombie fighting! Oh, they were fast as lightning! Wo wo wo wooooo!"

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at March 6, 2008 10:40 AM

Whiskey fountain, you say?

It... it's beautiful.

[single tear]

Posted by: TK at March 5, 2008 1:08 PM

I am going to need to know what kind of whiskey is in the whiskey fountain.

Posted by: Melody at March 6, 2008 10:44 AM

Sad, true story.

Last night I said to the Main Squeeze, "Main Squeeze, you have to read this!" I then brought up this page and he started reading. He got to the beginning of the bar fight and said, "I don't get it, what am I reading?" In a sad and dejected voice I explained, "An awesome bar fight broke out in the comment thread... And you don't get it?"

I decided that perhaps this will just be one of those things that we do not both love. And since I think having separate interests is the key to a long and healthy relationship, that's okay. But I am still a little sad that he didn't immediately have the same glee I had over this thread.

In his defense, he was squeezing in reading it during commercials during the Celtics game. Maybe if he had given it his undivided attention?..

No WBNS! t-shirt for him--more for me!

Posted by: tamatha at March 6, 2008 3:33 PM

Tamatha, I feel your pain. My wife is severely puzzled by my fascination with this site and these threads.

But then... my wife and I don't really have anything in common anyway.

Posted by: TK at March 6, 2008 6:40 PM

TK-

Thanks for the sympathy (empathy?). And when I read your post, I was like "How can she be puzzled by it? This site and the threads are so fabulous!" On the plus side, at least you have the joy of Pajiba, and what does she have? Does she not sense the void in her life?

The Main Squeeze, at least, has enjoyed most of the Pajiba links I've sent his way.

Posted by: tamatha at March 6, 2008 9:09 PM

A day late and a knife to a gun-fight short but that was fantastic!

What was the original review... oh new DVD releases - Really?

We should call "Pajiba fight" more often.

Posted by: Popsi_zen at March 7, 2008 6:34 PM

At this point, I feel like one of those American tourists in Desperado who walk into the bar after the first melee with el mariachi.

Kinda like

!?!What the fuck!?!

(And if I knew how to throw in one of those upside-down question marks used in Spanish, I would...)

Posted by: Some Guy at March 10, 2008 11:53 PM

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