Pajiba

You know what's helpful about these DVD release posts? They remind me of films I wanted to see, but missed the first time around. Case in point: Miss Pettigrew. Thanks Pajiba! Maybe I'll even be able to find it at the local video store this week.

Of course, it helps that there is actually a decent release this week.

My gf will be happy bout Miss Pettigrew, she loved it. Quite frankly, that's the only one that appeals to me too.

Oh...I would watch that Miss Pettigrew business, but Amy Adams annoys me. Mmhm...today is the day I risk the wrath of most of Pajibaland and quite possibly become a MurderTank target. First I diss Abigail Breslin and now Amy Adams. Bring it on!

Funny how people keep saying Miley has a "smoker's voice"

she quit smoking years ago.

Funny how people keep saying Miley has a "smoker's voice"

she quit smoking years ago.

Quit smoking what, Slim?

Could she get that 45-year-old voice from smoking some Jonas kid's cscreeeeeeeeeeeech

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP]

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY.

Lookit! Brittney Snow and Mily Cyrus in the same DVD release week when I mention them in a fantastical Goosebumpy Candyman. This means it's going to happen. It means something. Just like a plateful of mashed potato sculpture, all the things that old dude predicted that the national enquirer always drools over, and my mom saying that if i "keep touching it...you'll go blind John." It's the future i tell you.

However, this won't be the last time they have a release week together, as they will inevitably end up making a movie together in about 4 years. Right after mily hits the wall and gets all coked out because that Gomez chick has taken all her popularity. Then the REALLY racy photos of her will start to come out (Guaranteed one of them show Mily Cyrus doing a deep knee bend down the the shoulder of a champagne mag) at the same time that she has a breakthrough in her memory that her daddy touched her on the set of her TV show, and that YES DADDY! it is wrong for you to help me get dressed today.

So we will have the long awaited collaboration: Brittney Snow and Mily Cyrus in: Hannah Moantanna and the Best of Both Worlds: Teem Starlets Taking a Double-Header Deep. Hopefully directed by Brett Ratner or Paul W.S. (I wish my name was Wes or paul Thomas) Anderson, with soundtrack done by Pete Wentz, formerly of Fallout Boy fame, and his new single "Can I Sing Through This Gaping Meathook Hole in My Neck?" Mmmmm...i turn myself on sometimes. I really do.

It's days like this that I'm glad my house contains one of the (apparently) few 13 year olds in this country who hate Miley Cyrus AND the Jonas Brothers. Course, that doesn't mean her taste in music is exactly great, but it means that dreck won't be featured on our television ever.

Miss Pettigrew looks mildly interesting. I might have to see about that.

Script re-writes are in since now the Wiensteins have signed on to Produce. No notes other than a change in title:
Hannah Moan-tanna and the Best of Both Ends

I would just like to point out that I live with a real live teenager and Pissboy apparently knows more about teen pop culture than I do. Maybe you should start browsing some different websites, buddy. Or, what I like to do, just pretend they don't exist, since in 2 years it'll be like it never happened anyway.

That's it? An entire post of DVD releases and top of the stack, first on the list is sparkliscious Miley "Virginal Cell Phone Porn Star" Cyrus? I'm going back to putting MacGuyver on my Netflix list. Mmmmmmm.... mullet with a Swiss army knife...

Paul W.S. (I wish my name was Wes or paul Thomas) Anderson

There really are entirely too many directors named Anderson. Every time one of their movies comes out I have to ask, "Is that a good Anderson or a sucky one?"

That's it, we need to stage an intervention for TK stat! Shadows, I thought you were up for hit-on-the-head duty - get to it man, and quickly! First he admits a love for all things Shrek & Mike Myers and now Miley frakking Cyrus??? I don't know who or what to blame BSlim clearly has thrown his TK voodoo doll into the microwave or something, maybe shoved its head into a blender for good measure. Folks, I have no choice but to declare TK a zombie. Somehow his horde must have infected him, that or he's been infested with the spirit of a hopped-up-on-espresso teenieboppier - either way, remember to shoot for the head. I hope you're happy, Slim. You've finally neutralised and broken down our lovable, clumsy, homicidal zombie overlord. When ready, fire!

Unless somebody knows a good exorcism for the occasion...

God help me as I have a daughter and I don't want people saying mean things about her...but I just don't think Miley Cyrus is cute. At all.

Um, I have a question: why the hate for Brittany Snow again? I get the Miley Cyrus consternation, really I do, but what did Snow do that was so bad, besides get stuck in a crappy remake of a semi-popular horror movie?

I'd hate to think that folks can't even BE in an occasional crappy movie before they are written off. Not everyone can get cast in the good ones you know.

I think TK has been infiltrated by the spambots. Or his zombies broke loose.

Ok, it's time to admit it. TK's been compromised. It's all downhill from here people...human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

Pajiba Production's Production slate for 2009:

Untitled Pete Wentz "Fucked with a Fishhook to the Throat" project: Projected for Spring 2009, Pissboy is attached to write/direct.

The Goosebumps of Candyman: Projected Summer Tentpole release 2009, also written/directed by Pissboy.

Hannah Moan-tanna and the Best of Both Ends: Projected Fall 2009 release, bah Pissboy has the schedule by the scrote.

C'mon people, we need a chick flick for the Jan-Apr. shit season, a dimwitted comedy for the Aug.-Nov. shit season, and a picture for the Nov.-Jan. Prestige season. We will not rest until Jude Law is in SOMETHING next year, let's move it!

Shadows, even zombies hate Hannah Montana.

TK.

I need you to listen very carefully, K? Do not succumb to the evil that is Hannah Montana. She will rot your soul. You will become a shell of your former self and will have to leave the happy enclave of Pajiba. You will have to give up the zombie army. You will have been indoctrinated in the dark side. My friend, there is no turning back once you go there. Don't do it man. Think of the children(By that, I mean the zombie children)!

TK, I promise you. Heed my warning carefully. Many have been lost to this evil cause. Don't become a statistic.

What I meant, Melody, is that his brains have been eaten. It's the only thing that makes sense,

lordhelmet, I've been trying, but the fucker's hard to find. I looked all over this google map thing, and I can't see him anywhere

God help me as I have a daughter and I don't want people saying mean things about her...but I just don't think Miley Cyrus is cute. At all.

I know just what you mean. I don't like to think of myself as the kind of person who'd call a teenage girl "ugly." But Miley? Looks like she's got her face perpetually squished up against a plate-glass window. Like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon bulldog. Like it might be physically impossible for her to completely close her mouth at any time (I call that P. Diddy Disease). Like a large chunk of Disney's budget goes into outfits, makeup and carefully engineered camera angles designed to make Miley appear halfway cute.

But maybe it's a sign of progress that masses of tweeny girls idolize and emulate a homely chick...?

Just follow the head injuries, Shadows. There may even be sirens. Start with hospitals and listen for people complaining of workplace injuries caused by someone matching TK's description and pattern of behaviour. Better yet, post something inflammatory about/to him and just wait for the screams.

For the love of Godtopus, though, get it done.

Am I the only one that got excited when they heard about the naked picture of her? (Not erotically excited... well maybe half-mast) But more in a Yes! They finally nailed her (Again, not a sexual nailing but rather a .. social? Hmm that too sounds dirty.) I just was hoping that Disney would strip her (this is sounding worse and worse) of her dominion over all media. But it turned out Anne Liebowwicz had to do her all artfully (which of course means ass to ass)

Maaaaaan, I just emptied the MT Whiskey Fountain to make a big ass batch of cancer chum, and now you're telling me I need to empty that and fill the goddam thing with Holy Water to douche TK with?

grumblegrumblegrumblestupidinfectionmontanapugfacecrap....

"Like it might be physically impossible for her to completely close her mouth at any time (I call that P. Diddy Disease)."

Oh, my God. Best description ever. Yes! That's the issue. I think the woman who was the doctor-patient on "In Treatment" might be afflicted with the same.

Whoa, Skitts, let's not be too hasty. I'm sure you can whip up a Holy Water-cannon and roof-mount it, leaving the cancer chum fountain intact. In fact, if you wanted, you could replace the whiskey in the fountain, and (late at night) procure two water cannons from the local fire department's naval division (assuming you're coastal), designate one for Holy Water and one for Cancer Chum, cuz let's face it, who's going to invite cancer cells into the Murdering Tank for CC drinks? With a super-high-pressure stream, you're sure to be wreaking mighty havoc on cancer cells from long range. And be able to bathe TK liberally in holy water while keeping away from his zombified biteyness. While drinking whiskey from the fountain! That's what we here in orbit call a win!

I don't know what the fuck you miscreants are planning, but the first person to spray me with anything gets kicked in the balls and then stabbed in the eyes.

AWwwww...He's back!

C'mon people, we need a chick flick for the Jan-Apr. shit season, a dimwitted comedy for the Aug.-Nov. shit season, and a picture for the Nov.-Jan. Prestige season. We will not rest until Jude Law is in SOMETHING next year, let's move it!

Posted by: Mike R. at August 19, 2008 2:10 PM

Chick Flick: Kate Hudson and Katherine Heigl in Double Date Dare, a race-to-the-altar farce scripted by Nora Ephron and directed by Penny Marshall. To round things out just plug in any two Gen Douche actors who make the ladies moist. You can just count the money...

Dimwitted Comedy: Dan Fogler in In My Shorts, a knee-slapper about a mope who switches bodies with Jude Law over the internet and posts YouTube videos about his madcap escapades (pitched as Freaky Friday for Gen Douche).

Prestige Season: Clint Eastwood writes, directs and stars as George Washington in Revolution, an engaging historical action set piece that also serves as a thinly veiled indictment of modern politicians. The All-Star cast includes Meryl Streep as Martha, Sam Shepard as Thomas Jefferson and Philip Seymour Hoffman as James Madison. An Oscar sweep extravaganza!

Did I go somewhere?

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you people today?

Did I go somewhere?

Apparently not. Welcome back anyway, TK. You sure had us worried there for a bit, we thought you were infected or something. (puts knife and taser away, carefully and quickly slaps TK on the back, even quicker establishes a safe distance, ducking a thrown whiskey bottle.) He's back all right, and it's the real TK! (establishes a greater and growing safe distance before TK notices the "kick me" sign on his back.)

[psst-Shadows, Skitts, everyone, stand down. Ix-nay on the oly-hay ater-way annon-cay. No head shooting, no head hunting, no head whacking. Just...chill. Stay alert and ready, he may yet prove to be a zombie but for now...chill.)

lordhelmet I think that there was an impostor TK posting earlier today, 'cause as I just noted on the Daily Trade Round-up thread, the posts by TK that didn't actually sound like him have been removed. It's all very strange. Same deal for this thread. Check it out.

It's the spambots, I tell you. They're all around us, watching, waiting, baiting us into attacking our own....

I'm going crazy, aren't I?

What do you mean "going"?

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you people today?

Let me explain it like this. Have you ever seen the episode of South Park where Evil Cartman (who is actually good and sweet) comes to South Park and starts screwing up everything by doing the exact opposite of Cartman?

It has been a LOT like that today. Although much more disturbing.

Sooo... basically, you're saying that while I was out of the office today, you all went fucking bonkers.

OK.

Got it.

Fuckin' freaks.

mmmm.... Lee Pace... MMMMMM....

Sooo... basically, you're saying that while I was out of the office today, you all went fucking bonkers.

The main difference between this and any other day is that you weren't here to join in, TK.

Fuckin' freaks.

From you, that's a compliment. There there, you'll get your chance to play again later.
(pats TK on the back and dashes off again before he realises there's another sign on his back.)

On a personal note I take no joy in watching a person spiral every downward into a hellish pit of darkness due to their own mistakes, or the mistakes caused by someone close to them that has been charged with helping that person avoid unnecessary hardships. But in the case of Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus/ Billy Ray's meal ticket, I'm going to enjoy watching her and her old man's total and complete balls to the wall, one hundred miles per hour human train wreck. What is so delicious about these two is that they both know that hell is just around the corner coming for both of them, and I'll be damned if they don't give a fuck. I predict in a couple of years she will be a female version of Danny Bonaduce, and Billy Ray will be out of her life due to a restraining order.

OK, here's my theory. (And I realize that I'm giving the fake TK the info he or she needs to, well, fake us out some more.) I've done some brief research, and I'm pretty sure that when TK posts he always links to his blog. So, if the "Posted by" info is not linked, then I don't think it's the real TK.

So there. HA!

So there is a fake TK amongst us. Which means that at any time a fake Pissboy, Shadows, Skit, et al. can be implanted by the 'bots. The logical answer to this, as noted by tamatha, is to find markers to identify the real from the fake. Ahh, but that is what the 'bots are counting on to infiltrate our ranks. For us to teach them how to identify our true identities. We must not fall for this trickery. For it will surely spell our doom. We must utilize those very characteristics that separate us from the bots; to distinguish ourselves from the artificial intelligence. If we are a real community with real friendships in this artificial planet then we must trust that we know our true selves. Damn you, Spambots! Damn you to Hellllllllll!!

Hey. That wasn't the real JP. I'm the real JP. You cocksucker. Stop fucking around, asshole.

What the hell are you talking about you felcher? I'm the real JP, jerkoff. Get your own initials asswipe. And if your the real JP, complete this porn title: Ocean's Twelve.....

rabbit season!

duck season!

...in my pants?

...the search for more money in George Clooney's pants!

Elmer season!

I can live with Generation 50/50. Thanks for changing it. In return, I swear I won't call your generation old until the last of you turns 60.

rabbit season!

Bwah! Nicely done, jM.

I'd feel pity for TK with his creepy impersonator if I weren't too busy spambot-proofing my house after the Google Maps incident. They moved my marker closer to me, dammit! They're watching me right now! I'm cold and scared...

No way I'm getting taken over by a 'bot man. No way. Just gotta keep movin' man, keep sharp. Can't trust nobody in this world except yourself man, nobody. Keep strong, keep alive man, just keep alive. Pretty soon ther...

...who's there...? Hello?

This don't feel right man, it just don't. I'm outta here...

Well, it turns out that after further research, TK does not always link his comment name to his blog; so kids, we're on our own to figure who is the real TK...

And of course, he could have just been fucking with us--so we're too distracted to notice the zombies lurching up behind us.

We all crazy!

I really have no interest in any of the new releases this week. The Life before her Eyes reminds me of White Oleander = Oprah's book club = woman rising above a bad childhood. Miley Cyrus - cha.. whatever. Miss Pettigrew, meh, maybe. Prom Night, are you serious? and what was the last one??? Oh yeah, Street Kings, I actually saw this movie and still couldn't remember it - Keanu did an unpainful job but I though Forest Whittaker was awful and the movie, while not necessarily bad was quite forgettable. I guess maybe I'll go outside for awhile - I Know!

Hanna Hanna...she'll be gone soon enough (I predict a Britney-esque fall from the throne). I've heard she's worth over a billion. Saw her dad last week (not by choice). Can you believe the guy played Brown Eyed Girl??? That song is a literal joke amongst musicians and billionaire Billy-Ray's playing it. Whatever. OK...I was hungry. Everyone gets a little fucking hungry, right (not to be confused with Hungary)? I got hungry when I was in another country once...so I went to the store and bought some food. The store said that the food costs 1.00 (insert denomination of choice...but I was in England so POUND). So I went to the counter and paid 1.00 for the food, ate it, and was happy. There was tax....but that was included in the price. So fast-forward to today. I order a pizza, it's $15...but it's not really $15, it's actually 17 and change cuz of tax. I, just like everyone else, deal with that every day. No problem...someone said something about death and taxes...whatever. But what the fuck....put the fucking tax into the price so I don't have to play the goddamn math game. I'm the consumer, I'm paying you money, do the percentage work for me and we'll call it capitalism for fuck's sake. Take an extra penny for a convenience charge on every damn transaction if you want to...I don't give a fuck, just include it in the fucking price. If you do I'll name all of my children after your store, I'll mount revolution if anyone wrongs you, I'll buy hookers for all of your employees (tax free), I'll start a religion in your name...but only IF you display a price and I pay THAT motherfucking godforesaken price for whatever it is you're offering! Gotta go, I'm starting to chafe.