"Never Meanin' No Harm"? I Beg to Differ.
Real-Time Review of The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning / Dustin Rowles
00:00: Now, as bad as the big-screen version of the Razzie nominated The Dukes of Hazzard was (and it was spectacularly bad), there was one scene, in which the General Lee jumped over something or another, that almost made the entire viewing experience worth it, just to relive (if only fleetingly) the testosterone-fueled joys of the original television show, which I understand retrospectively must have been targeted at my feeble, underdeveloped, Kool-Aid-addled toddler mind. In fact, if you want to keep those fond memories intact, never (never) revisit the original series in your adulthood. It would be akin to watching a videotaped version of yourself bragging about your innate lovemaking skills after your first sexual experience — you were an idiot, you didn’t know better, so it’s best just to leave it alone. The same, of course, should be said of “The Dukes of Hazzard,” but Hollywood couldn’t pass up the opportunity to remind us just how young and foolish we once were.
00:01: I have no idea who the balladeer is for this flick, but his narration talents are definitely not up to Waylon Jennings’ skills. Twenty-five years later, it’s still fair to say that Jennings was the best part of the original series. Whoever this guy is, it’s like replacing Rod Roddy on “The Price is Right” with whomever they have announcing now.
00:47: The movie purportedly tells the tale of how Bo and Luke Duke became the “Dukes of Hazzard.” As the film opens, they are 16. Bo Duke is taking his driving test, which results in a high-speed chase with the bumbling cops. Bo is played by Jonathan Bennett, who also starred in the Bachelor Party straight-to-DVD sequel, Bachelor Party Vegas. And I can’t freakin’ believe I missed that. It had Kal Penn and Donald Faison, for God’s sake. It looks like I’m not the only one who missed it; it has only six reviews up at Rotten Tomatoes, only one of which is positive, from Movieweb’s Brian Gallagher, who says it was a “nicely layered flick,” a “damn funny movie” and compares it to David Fincher’s The Game. Brian also loved The Benchwarmers and Welcome to Mooseport. I should invite Brian to my poker game; we could use a guy who carries an ounce with him everywhere he goes.
02:03: Bo wrecks his station wagon, hops out, and asks, “Did I pass?” The narrator says, “No, Bo. You sure as shit didn’t.” It’s going to be a long goddamn movie.
02:10: The narrator tells us that Luke Duke (Randy Wayne) lived four counties over, and thought the way to a woman’s heart was “blowing shit up.” He proves it by carpet bombing the county fair with fireworks.
03:55: OK, now we’re getting somewhere: Bo and Luke’s parents, in an effort to rehabilitate them, sent them to Uncle Jessie’s farm. I’d always wondered how they wound up there. Anyway, the two rather dislike each other at this stage of their lives, which is fair, because I already hate them both.
04:35: Uncle Jesse welcomes them to Hazzard. Uncle Jesse is again played by Willie Nelson. Damn it. He must owe the IRS again; there is no other way to explain why he’d appear in this. Or maybe he and Brian Gallagher smoke weed together.
6:30: Harlan Williams is back to play Roscoe. His entire career is one long continuous shtick, but I’ll admit, it’s a decent shtick in incredibly short doses. But why do I get the feeling that I’m going to get a monster helping of Harlan today?
08:00: Daisy Duke is played by April Scott, who was “Girl in Bikini” on an episode of “Entourage.” I doubt this role will be much of a stretch. She’s wearing glasses and has her hair up in a ponytail, which suggests that — at some point — a “Hot for Teacher” make-over is all but certain.
08:30: Daisy signed a virginity certificate in church, saying she wouldn’t have sex until she got married. Bo and Luke are crestfallen. The incest vibe is still kickin’. God bless the Hazzard.
10:00: The narrator never shuts up. He just prattles and prattles, which wouldn’t be so bad if it were Waylon Jennings. But this guy is the human root canal, and he’s drilling into my last goddamn nerve.
11:35: Uncle Jesse, it appears, is helping Boss Hogg get elected as mayor. Or something. That’s an interesting twist. Boss Hogg is played by Christopher McDonald, who must be the king of straight-to-DVD sequels now, following his recent role in American Pie: Baked Excrement. Oh, here we go: Boss Hogg is extorting Uncle Jesse; he wants campaign contributions in exchange for silence. He tells Jesse he has two weeks to come up with the money or he’s sending Roscoe out to shut down the farm. Jesse is confused because, up until now, he and Boss Hogg were friendly competitors in the moonshine market.
17:03: Bo and Luke Duke offer to run shine to help Jesse raise money. All they need is “a fast car.” Don’t you just love Duke mythology? It’s so rich and fascinating — what do you bet that they are sent on a pilgrimage to Tibet, where the General Lee falls from the sky like a beacon of light?
18:22: Two scantily clad women are rubbing lotion on one another; oh shit! One of them is the easy girl from “The Real World.” Sorry, that doesn’t narrow it down much. It’s Trishelle. She’s parlayed that MTV notoriety into quite the career, hasn’t she? I think that hers was the season I finally gave up on “The Real World” once and for all. Here are some interesting tidbits for those who lost track of Trishelle after her MTV run: She was on 2004’s “Surreal Life,” where she hooked up with Andy Dick (he’s straight?) and was rebuffed by Vanilla Ice (really?).
21:04: Joel Moore plays Cooter (we’ll also get to see him in next year’s Paris Hilton tour de force, The Hottie and the Nottie). Cooter is a fourth-year senior. He’s going to help them to build the car; he says he’ll try anything once, “except guy on guy. Hoo! I’m just kiddin’. I’d try that.” Man. If Ben Jones were on set, he’d rip that guy’s testicles off and feed them to him. But let’s be honest here: There was always something a little sexually deviant about Cooter, wasn’t there? His name is Cooter, for God’s sake.
21:42: Bo Duke races a go-cart through a women’s locker room. Gratuitous nudity ensues as the girls race out of the shower and chase the Dukes down the hall — it’s so ’80s. Enos, unsurprisingly, is a hall monitor. Daisy convinces him to lay off the Duke boys, and he obliges.
25:48: Two more naked women on a rock, sunbathing. Bo’s kickass pick-up line: “Ladies, do me!” That’s how I met Mrs. Pajiba-Hyphenate, you know. If you’re curious, there’s no “doing.” They fall into the ravine, where they find a ‘69 Dodge Charger at the bottom. Now you know where the General Lee came from. The bottom of a ravine. It has the Dixie flag already painted on top, which elicits this response from Bo: “It’s from the Civil War.” I can tell you from experience, too, that the Civil War is the only thing they teach in history classes in Southern schools, which we attended with no shoes and a wad of tobacco in our cheek.
30:00: Only Bo’s side door is welded shut. Cause he likes to slide in through the window. Luke prefers to open his door; the implication here is that Luke is gay. When I was seven years old, I used to jump into my father’s car window. Sometimes, I’d play Dukes of Hazzard with his parked car, too; at least until I released the brake and plowed it into the neighbor’s garage. That was a banner day. You Northerners ever heard of a switch? You pick them yourself. I’ve got a little phantom ass pain right now.
31:00: I think my evolutionary survival instinct is broken. I can actually feel my will to live dry up inside of me and still I can’t bring myself to turn off this film. I’m like a Praying Mantis just begging to have my head bitten off.
32:00: They decide to name the car after the “greatest general of all.” They are referring, of course, to the one that fought to keep slavery legal. And now an entire new generation of dumbasses will regale the man.
34:00: A quick montage demonstrates that the Dukes quickly became “the fastest shine runners in Hazzard history.” Splendid. You know, I drank moonshine once. At a party with a bunch of Republicans. I remember asking what their same-sex top five was. Soon thereafter, somebody put me in a cab and I woke up in my bathtub.
36:00: Daisy walks into the Boar’s Nest and asks for a job. She falls in love with the manager. His name is Hughie (Todd Grinnell). He rebuffs Daisy. Because she’s homely Daisy — she has yet to undergo her ritualistic Van Halen makeover. Here’s her impetus.
36:30: Trishelle is back. She and her sister are at a table with the Dukes and Cooter. Cooter implies once again that he likes the loving embrace of men. Trishelle and her sister take their cue and leave — they have to teach erotic dance lessons at the senior center.
37:00: The manager of the Boar’s Nest, Hughie, drives a BMW and adores his cell phone, which confirms the obvious: The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning is set in modern day, so the timeline logic of The Dukes of Hazzard makes absolutely no sense. In 2007, the Dukes are 16; in 2005, they were in their 30s. I just felt my brain rip in two.
38:54: Boss Hogg gives a speech establishing Hazzard as a dry county. He’s declared war on moonshiners. There’s your narrative hook, folks.
43:00: Daisy feels spurned by the manager of the Boar’s Nest, so she finally endures the requisite She’s All That makeover, revealing that beneath her glasses and pony tail, she’s actually quite the little harlot. And, as always, I find the pre-made over girl infinitely more attractive. I’m all about the Lisa Loeb glasses, folks.
44:14: Sherilyn Fenn plays LuLu Hogg. Man — I knew she shouldn’t have taken that role in Boxing Helena. It’s been all downhill since. The Duke boys are at Hogg’s house. LuLu is stuffing a turkey, and making as many inappropriate double entendres as possible: “You wanna stuff her body cavity. Stuff it good. Get deep inside there. Stick it in there, Luke. C’mon! … Now the most important part: We baste her with hot juices.” The worst part about reviewing DVDs is that there is absolutely no hope that the projector reel will break.
49:14: Made-over Daisy Duke makes her appearance at the Boar’s Nest. She gets the Jessica Simpson treatment — the camera starts at her high heels and works its way up slowly. Rednecks ogle. Hoot. Holler. Put their heterosexuality out on display. I get the feeling that the Boar’s Nest wouldn’t be a good place to ask the customers, “What’s your same-sex top five?” It takes a man who’s a lot more comfortable with his heterosexuality to play this game. Here’s mine: Ryan Reynolds, Mark Ruffalo, Vince Vaughn, Dave Eggers, and Jon Bon Jovi — oh, c’mon now. Don’t poke fun. He’s a good-looking guy. The TV Whore used to have Steven Tyler on his list — now, who is worse?
51:30: Uncle Jesse is singing at a strip club, raising money or something. I suspect this was just a contrivance that allowed Willie to sing. Cooter is rubbing his face into one of the stripper’s breasts. This is classy stuff, people.
53:21: Oh lord, Daisy is about to break her virginity pledge with Hughie. They’re out on the front porch.
54:24: Scratch that. She’s a dry-hump advocate. Hughie is in for a painful evening. What did we call it back in high school? Oh yeah — denim intercourse! Good times.
55:30: Luke wanders off with Trishelle. He and Bo get drunk with Trishelle and her sister. Trishelle’s acting talents are remarkable. It’s amazing that no one from the Academy has thought to bring an Oscar statue straight to the set. It’s in the bag.
59:00: After the Duke boys leave, Roscoe and Boss Hogg break up the party at the strip club. Uncle Jesse is toted off to the clink.
61:24: On Uncle Jesse’s advice, the Dukes head over to Boss Hogg’s house and try to uncover some “important documents.” They apparently have to distract LuLu to accomplish this, which suggests that Luke may finally lose his virginity. He offers to be LuLu’s “special helper.”
63:00: LuLu says: “Mind if I slip into something a little more boner-inducing?” Who the hell wrote this? Shane Morris. Damn it. He has absolutely no previous credits to mock. Whatever: Shane Morris, you’re a disgrace to the screenwriting profession.
64:42: Right before Luke pops his cherry, Boss Hogg drives up. He runs into LuLu’s bedroom with a shotgun; Bo knocks him out with a fireplace instrument. He gets up; shoots at them. Then he sics Roscoe on them, at which point Luke tosses a “shoeshine (manure) bomb” into Roscoe’s car. Boss Hogg to Roscoe: “You stink so bad that your kid’s kids will stink.” Another brilliant one-liner, Morris.
69:00 Enos has been deputized: a hall monitor with a gun. As I recall, he would later leave the force. And that chubby guy replaced him for a year — Cletus! And then they were both on the show, right? This was after Wopat and Schneider left the show for a year over a contract dispute. And then we got Coy and Vance, who, as I recall, sucked. Second-graders who got stuck with the Coy and Vance lunchbox got the tar beat out of them on a daily basis.
70:10: The Duke boys dress in drag and travel to the Boar’s Nest to investigate something or another. Roscoe makes a pass at Luke, grabs his ass. “Don’t get fresh, sheriff.” “Oh my, you have a grip like an anaconda. You could swallow me whole, too.” Chalk another one up to Morris, y’all.
72:06: Daisy traipses around to distract the cops while the Dukes check in the office; gets whip cream on herself, licks it off, etc. etc. ad infinitum. Wasn’t this a family show?
73:16: Uh oh. Turns out that the manager of the Boar’s Nest, Hughie, is in cahoots with Boss Hogg. My all-time favorite word is “cahoots.”
73:24: Luke, still in drag, makes a menstruation joke. It is spectacularly unfunny. Even less funny than the first time it was used in Sorority Boys.
76:36: Bo and Luke have some sort of falling out. I’m not sure what happened; I zoned out. But Roscoe just foreclosed on the Duke farm. Jesse is still in jail. Things are bad in Hazzard County. This is where Waylon Jennings would shine.
79:00: Bo is giving some speech to Luke about his love of Hazzard. He convinces Luke to come back to the farm. While Luke was running away, he saw a Hogg truck delivering ice cream and realizes that the ice cream truck is a masquerade for moonshine running.
82:00: Daisy is bummed that her boyfriend was a bad guy. Bo tells Daisy not to worry; that he and Luke wanted to “get nasty” with her on several occasions. Nothing like the promise of incest to cheer a girl up, eh?
83:24: It’s election day.
85:00: Damnit. I zoned out again. Roscoe is in hot pursuit of the Dukes. I don’t know why, but Boss Hogg is in the backseat of the General Lee.
85:26: Here we go. They’re about to jump the very ravine they found the General Lee at the bottom of. Boss Hogg is terrified, confesses his scheme. The Dukes have their CB radio on, so everyone in town heard Boss Hogg confess. It doesn’t stop them from jumping the ravine, though.
87:00: Lame. It looked like some dude with a hot wheels action car and a piece of string filming a close up.
88:25: Here’s the requisite happy ending, where everybody gets off free. The city votes for some drunk as mayor, who immediately dies, making Boss Hogg the mayor again. He pardons himself.
90:45: Luke finally loses his virginity to … Trishelle. Who takes off her top. There you go folks — some dude with nothing better to do has a reason to watch this movie now. I hope it’s worth it, partner.
93:00: Over the credits, there is some fucked-up hip-hop song that heavily samples from John Anderson’s “Just a Swingin’.” When I was nine years old, I had a “Swingin’” T-Shirt. It was, like, the achy-breaky heart of 1983. Does anyone else remember this song?
Well, that’s it, folks. And looking ahead on the schedule, there’s not another straight-to-DVD travesty for at least a month, thank God. I don’t think I can do another real-time review for a while. This one sapped the life out of me. Still, in mid-April, we do get to look forward to National Lampoon’s: Pucked, featuring number five on my same-sex tops: Jon Bon Jovi, as well as Cary Elwes (the rich man’s Bruce Campbell) and Curtis Armstrong. Exciting times are ahead.
Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He lives with his wife in Ithaca, New York. You may email him, or leave a comment below.
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Comments
" You Northerners ever heard of a switch? You pick them yourself. I've got a little phantom ass pain right now."
ohmygod, so true! I grew up in North GA, where my sisters and I had a black nanny named Hazel who made us cut our own switches from willow trees. Turns out the thinner the switch is, the more it hurts, a whip-like effect. How's that for every southern cliche in the book? We still go and visit her, God bless the woman.
Posted by: Jenn at March 15, 2007 2:25 PM
Wow
00:00 He's Reviewing Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning? This is gonna be good.
01:30 Where is Mrs. Pajiba-Hypehnate?! Doesn't she realize what's going on here? Wait, did he just put Vince Vaughn in his same-sex top five? Dustin, you're so gay. Jason Statham is waaaaay hotter.
05:00 Flashback to Neil Patrick Harris in Harold and Kumer (via Dustin's Kal Penn reference) snorting blow of a strippers ass.....sweeeet.
07:10 I'd do Trishelle.....she was the drunk whore right? I only bang drunk whores, the sober ones run too fast. I'm kinda like a lazy lion that only goes after the wounded or handicapped gazelle.
08:30 How is it that Dustin hasn't dropped kicked his TV through a window?
10:00 Good thing about reading a review instead of doing one: you can stop anytime. Good one Dustin.
Posted by: Manny at March 15, 2007 2:44 PM
Great review. I would love to read a book about your childhood.
Posted by: ecp at March 15, 2007 2:49 PM
Any self-respecting Southerner will tell you the Civil War was NOT about slavery. They will also call it "The War of the Northern Aggression".
Did you know? Lee reluctantly became a general for the Confederacy only because he was from the South. That was AFTER Lincoln asked him to lead the Northern army. Lee was a great military leader, no matter who he worked for. So please drop that "worked to preserve slavery" myth. Jeez, did you even pay attention to Civil War history in grade school? And yes, most of the year IS spent discussing it in Southern schools.
Posted by: wavemaven at March 15, 2007 3:00 PM
I heard Southerners eat their young in the , and that most of the year they spend their time storing up fat so they can hibernate through the winter.
Well, it's that or they hunt humans for sport using alien technology. I can never get that one straight.
Posted by: Manny at March 15, 2007 3:15 PM
Even when I was 6 years old the Dukes tv show was so bad it made my teeth hurt. So I'm going to guess this would actually kill me.
Funny story about the first movie though. In December '05 I was flying to Europe and the movie was available on those sweet little video monitors on the back of the seats. Just about everybody on the plane tried to watch it and turned it off about 5 minutes in. It was like some kind of redneck popcorn in there. You'd see these little flashes of confederate flags and Jessica Simpson pop up and then vanish to be replaced by the Wallace and Gromit movie.
Posted by: jbrader at March 15, 2007 3:48 PM
Jenn,
I can't stop laughing, because the experience you just described is TOTALLY the exact experience I've always thought was reserved for those of us belonging to the eastern european immigrant kid set. The way you described it is EXACTLY the way i've explained it to so many "white bread" 50th generation north americans who've looked at me like i was crazy and told me i was an abused child and that that was a strange immigrant thing. HAHA... Yes, we figure out pretty quickly to pick up the thicker stick, don't we :)
Posted by: HAHA! at March 15, 2007 3:56 PM
" You Northerners ever heard of a switch? You pick them yourself. I've got a little phantom ass pain right now."
Laughing my ass off right now! Oh my lord, that phrase has just done me in - I'm not Southern, but my mother is Hispanic Roman Catholic. We got a leather belt, a yardstick, wooden spoon, shoe or whatever else she could get her hands on. We didn't get to choose, sadly.
I think I'm having a sympathy phantom ass pain right now.
Posted by: wozzle at March 15, 2007 4:04 PM
Hey, Waverman? You're wrong. ALthough the "Lee fought to preserve slavery" bit was lame and inaccurate on Dustin's part (and easily laughed off), I have never heard any self-respecting southerner refer to it as the War of Northern Aggression. Nor do they spend the entire year talking about it in school-- not even in AP American History, during which it constituted a small part.
So let's try and not perpetuate ANY myths, shall we?
Posted by: Ari at March 15, 2007 4:05 PM
My granny used a fly swatter on occasion. *feels your phantom ass pain*
Posted by: shaggy at March 15, 2007 4:13 PM
Hey! I told you the only reason Steven Tyler used to be on my list was because of those blow job lips of his. Plus, I need my men capable of opening wide, if you know what I'm saying.
Posted by: TV Whore at March 15, 2007 4:13 PM
I'm writing this even before reading this review.
I have been waiting for weeks for you to write another real time review. I know I can't demand anything from you o' great author (see me laying it on thick?) but... pretty pleeease? MORE?
Posted by: roseaepines at March 15, 2007 4:37 PM
I just read the TV whores comment. And understood it.
*shudder*
Posted by: roseaepines at March 15, 2007 4:54 PM
Yes, Dustin, more real time reviews. You save us a lot of time and money.
When "Swingin'" came out, I thought it was a joke written by the local DJs in Charlotte, NC. But then I heard it everywhere. Probably because the singer's girlfriend's name was Charlotte Johnson (sing: and she sure is lookin' good!)
Ari, was it AP History that made you write like a douche?
Posted by: traffik skillz at March 15, 2007 4:55 PM
My God, that was brilliant. Funny story - my dad used to work 12 hour shifts at the Pentagon, so he often wasn't home when my Dukes-lovin' big brother would be home after school. One day, he came home early to find my 10-year-old bro sliding across the hood of his '69 Buick Riviera in his Levis - leaving lovely copper-pocket-stud scratches all across the hood.
In short, if he were reading this review, he'd feel that phantom ass-pain, too.
Thanks for taking one for the team, Dustin!
Posted by: Tammy at March 15, 2007 5:19 PM
I have fond memories of being at my grandparents' house on a Friday night and watching the Dukes, and then Dallas. I always knew it would be a bad idea to revisit the original series, and I'm leaving my memories intact.
I'm not southern, but my grandparents were both born in those parts, so we got southern values by proxy.
Posted by: katy at March 15, 2007 5:33 PM
"John Anderson's "Just a Swingin'."?! I loved that song. Man, now I want some chocolate pie.
Dustin, I didn't think I could have more respect for you, but that reference plus your same-sex top 5 really do the trick.
Posted by: jadeblue at March 15, 2007 5:37 PM
To quote the first comment from the DLG thread: It's like you hate yourself....
Halfway through, I started reading it in a Southern accent. By the time I got to the end, I was hearing Waylon Jennings reading it. I have never felt more comfortable with being a Southerner than when I read the switch line.
And, as always, I find the pre-made over girl infinitely more attractive. I'm all about the Lisa Loeb glasses, folks.
Me, too. Cats-eye frames add 50 points to a woman's hotness on any scale, and should be required by law. She's All That ruined a whole generation of women by telling them nerdy did not equal sexy. Women of Pajiba, glasses are HOT. Period. Don't listen to Cosmo or whatever rag tells you different. Glasses make you sexy as hell. Just look at Ugly Betty: she had two dudes after her, one of which was already seeing someone.
/rant over.
Now I get why Manny put me in his Same-Sex Top 5. It doesn't seem as creepy as it did before.
Posted by: Vermillion at March 15, 2007 6:32 PM
Oh my, fond memories of watching "The Dukes of Hazzard" on Friday nights, followed by "Dallas." I can remember making an "01" out of Hershey's Kisses on my little brother's birthday cake because he was such a "Dukes" fan.
Oddly enough, I don't remember studying the Civil War that much in school, and I grew up in Texas. We DID, however, study Texas history.
And I can't blame you for Jon Bon Jovi. That guy has aged maybe 5 years in 20 years of real time. I'd take him over Steven Tyler any day.
Posted by: Noelegy at March 15, 2007 7:45 PM
Wow. I just ... WOW. I cannot believe you watched the whole film.
Does anyone else remember this song?
Oh, I do! I do! I have a feeling that that song is one of those things that probably shouldn't be revisited, either, since I remember loving it (and the Oakridge Boys "Elvira" - Giddy Up! Oom Poppa Oom Poppa Mow Mow!)
Oh, and I grew up in Kentucky and Tennessee, and I HAVE heard it referred to as "the War of Northern Aggression" - but only facetiously.
Posted by: Edith at March 15, 2007 9:47 PM
it was also (facetiously) referred to as "The Late Unpleasantness" by the little old lady crowd.
I didn't have to cut a switch (do you know that's where "rule of thumb" comes from? parents who used switches on their children were encouraged to cut one no thicker than their thumb, so there ya go) but I did get the flyswatter. I feel your phantom ass pain.
Posted by: Sarah at March 15, 2007 11:51 PM
*Shudder* Oooohhh.... switches... I think every Southern boy and girl reading this got a twinge of phantom pain reading that... not only was it physically painful, but it was psychological torture, too! 'Cause if you brought back one that was too small, you had to go back out there and get a bigger one...
As always, LOVE the real-time crappy DVD review! Pajiba never fails to make me snort Dr. Pepper out my nose reading one of these! Although, you'd think I'd be smart enough to learn not to drink Dr. Pepper while reading them by now...
Posted by: AnnArrogance at March 16, 2007 12:12 AM
I also must mention, since I didn't think to do so in my previous post, that I also learned the hard way about sizing up switches. Like AnnArrogance said, if you brought back a switch that was too small, you would have to get another one.
Well, I thought my 8-year-old brain had discovered a loophole in this apparent law, and kept bringing in smaller and smaller switches, hoping to delay the whoopin' long enough to either a) tire out my mother's anger, or b) strip the tree bare of switch-worthy limbs. Unfortunately, my mother was two steps ahead, and had woven an intricate (and I must say, very nice) MEGASWITCH out of the smaller switches. When I came back in on my seventh or so go-round, she was waiting for me. Needless to say, I never tried that trick again.
The worst part of that story was that the MEGASWITCH was so study and well-made that she kept it in her room for at least a year. She loaned that sucker out to family and neighbors. If I didn't know any better, I think she may have had it bronzed and engraved.
Posted by: Vermillion at March 16, 2007 12:35 AM
Actually, the phrase "rule of thumb" originated in 18th Century England - it referred to the law that men were allowed to beat their wives as long as the stick was no thicker than their thumb. (No word on if she got to pick it out.)
Just a little history trivia.
And I used to wish that I actually needed glasses, so I could get some awesome hot-librarian ones. I still do sometimes, when I see some ridiculously hot girl rockin' the glasses.
Posted by: Lizzie (greeneyed fem) at March 16, 2007 12:45 AM
Oops - shoulda done my homework first. Looks like the "rule of thumb" goes back even further:
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/307000.html
Posted by: Lizzie (greeneyed fem) at March 16, 2007 12:46 AM
I hated the original TV show and stayed away from the movie, but I simply loved this review. the rants about the narration made me think of one of my favorite Ron Howard lines from Arrested Development:
"Real shoddy narration. Just pure crap!"
Posted by: Armando at March 16, 2007 1:50 AM
Ryan Reynolds is my first same-sex top five pick too! I didn't care so much about his earlier stuff, but once I saw Amityville I realized I had a little crush.
Posted by: Eric at March 16, 2007 8:44 AM
'I'm like a Praying Mantis just begging to have my head bitten off.'
so often I have searched for a phrase to describe the pain of movie badness. I think this about sums it up...
Posted by: rach at March 16, 2007 8:55 AM
I thought I was the only white trashian who liked to play in their dad's parked car! It was a Camaro, by the way.
Posted by: mutterhals at March 16, 2007 9:09 AM
Ack! The switch! I actually preferred the belt. Or even the paddle with the cruel hole in the end of it.
Posted by: Lainie at March 16, 2007 10:48 AM
The world is a good place--full of witty straight guys who can larkily draw up a same-sex list _and_ relish a girl who wears glasses. Thank God for y'all.
(Yes, Jon BJ irritates, and never turned my head, but I lately saw a recent photo and, seriously, the guy has upper arms and shoulders like a twenty-year-old swimmer.)
All but one of my same-sex five seem to be mired in decades-old film-stock because generally they just don't make 'em like they used to:
- Rie Rasmussen in "Femme Fatale" (brunette version)
- Edwige Fennech in "All the Colours of the Dark" (or in anything when she was young and luscious)
- Suzy Kendall in "The Bird with the Crystal Plummage" (ibid)
- Maud Adams in "Rollerball" (ibid)
- Soledad Miranda in anything.
(And maybe AM, if I'm looking for a mistress...)
Posted by: ranylt at March 16, 2007 11:54 AM
Wait a minute, I too played in an old parked car, a big red Chevy pick-up truck. It belonged to the neighbors. Combine that with Friday night Dukes/Dallas viewing...that doesn't mean I grew up white trash, right?
Posted by: katy at March 16, 2007 11:55 AM
Is it white trash to grow up playing on a broken down ancient tractor parked next to the house? I thought I was just really country.
Posted by: Lainie at March 16, 2007 12:01 PM
As a southern black guy, I can tell you both, katy and Lainie, that the great art of fantasy car driving is not only in the purview of "white trash". My dad's old pickup and Chevy Nova are testament to that.
Posted by: Vermillion at March 16, 2007 1:52 PM
Hey, Waverman? You're wrong. ALthough the "Lee fought to preserve slavery" bit was lame and inaccurate on Dustin's part (and easily laughed off), I have never heard any self-respecting southerner refer to it as the War of Northern Aggression. Nor do they spend the entire year talking about it in school-- not even in AP American History, during which it constituted a small part.
So let's try and not perpetuate ANY myths, shall we?
Hey Ari? I don't know about your experiences, but I went to Southern public schools from first grade all the way through college and had three (count 'em, 3!) years of history. Each year we studied history we spent at least a month or so on the Civil War; in 7th grade we started U.S. History with the Civil War and had gotten to Gettysburg by Christmas. We usually touched on the Revolution, too, but never once do I recall actually studying the Mexican-American War, the Spanish-American War, World War I, World War II, Korea, or Vietnam. (But I did get a 5 on my U.S. History AP test!)
Oh, and I have heard several self-respecting Southerners refer to the Civil War as The War of Northern Aggression (without any irony at all!), usually during our annual 4th of July dinner when the elders explain to the children why it was legal for the Southern states to secede and then start reminiscing about their buddy's granddaddy who actually knew Gen'ral Lee personally. (The extended reverent pause after this information is related again, and the dreamy looks on their faces when they contemplate this ultimate bliss, have to be experienced to be believed.)
Posted by: Heqit at March 16, 2007 2:03 PM
I must add myself to those who remember well, if not findly, The Switch. I LMAO when I read the part about being sent out to pick it yourself. So true. My granny would actually cry while switching us. God rest her soul.
Posted by: Mary Anneq at March 16, 2007 2:10 PM
Dustin! You made me LOL!! Your story about the Switch and hitting the brake and sending your Dad's car through the neighbors garage: Priceless!
True story, I was born and raised in Kentucky, and I owned a Trans Am with a 350 engine that ran like the dickens. Okay, so it's more "Smokey and the Bandit", but after a while, I had to enter through the driver's window 'cause I had broken the door in a freak accident(forgot to put the car in park) at the gas station. There is nothin' like hopping through the window for take-off!
I've heard the Civil War spoken of as the "War of Northern Aggression", but never in history class. I grew up in Kentucky, and I must admit, most history classes (AP included) concentrated on Civil War. I also remember very little about anything else, except for the Revolutionary War.
So, I'm female, but I don't get the cat glasses thing! They make women look like dorks, and i hate Lisa Loeb. However, I'm pro-eyeglasses on others(except when I have to wear them every F'N Day and they slip down my nose over and over again)! Bon Jovi, Steven Tyler-their virtually women, and EWWWWW!
Posted by: athena at March 16, 2007 3:43 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
dustin, you're my favorite movie critic of ALL. TIME.
Posted by: becky at March 16, 2007 4:26 PM
oh yes, hell yes, southerners are known to refer to the civil war as the war of northern aggression. not in textbooks that i know of, but i've heard it plenty of times.
also, of course, "the war between the states."
--carolina girl
Posted by: vanessa at March 16, 2007 4:31 PM
Didn't Jesuckassa Simperson already do this movie like two years ago?!
Posted by: Hollywood has no new ideas at March 16, 2007 5:09 PM
dude, my freshman year of highschool, half the students chewed tobacco in class. (i transferred to a less backwoods school after that.)
AND i have a jar of moonshine in my freezer.
some southern stereotypes are true. too bad someone can't make an entertaining movie about them.
Posted by: k. at March 16, 2007 10:27 PM
I most definitely didn't grow up "white trash" and I used to always pretend to drive my mom's old mustang whenever my dad pulled his tools out of the garage so I could actually get to it. Of course, now I'm older I don't pretend to drive it anymore. Mostly cause we fixed it up and I drive it "for reals" everyday :-D
Posted by: McGeek at March 17, 2007 12:38 AM
My Chamblee, GA high school American History teacher indeed used the term "War of Northern Aggression". Even more to his point was "War of Northern Usurptation". It was difficult at the time to hear that phrase in Mr. Moseley's syrupy middle-Georgia accent and not be taken in.
Don't worry, folks. I'm pretty sure most of us came out of the class believing that slavery was a bad thing.
Posted by: sansho1 at March 17, 2007 1:40 AM
I have to add to all the switch stories...when i was bad my grandfather would always tell me that he was going to get me my own set of switches for christmas so I didn't have to keep going outside for them. So when it was time for my christmas list, being a smartass child, I wrote switches at the top of my list. I still have my switches that he gave me when I was 6 which he painted Red since it was my favorite color. Needless to say after that I tried to hold in my inner smartass so my pretty switches wouldn't have to be used on me.
Posted by: jmurae at March 17, 2007 1:46 AM
I have similar switch stories due to my religious Latino upbringing. My ass has repressed such memories, preventing any phantom pains - that, or it's all been confused with my days as a dominatrix assistant...
I also greatly enjoy your stories Dustin.
Lastly, this Daisy Duke's abnormally tiny & long torso frightens me to no end!!!
Posted by: mfg at March 17, 2007 2:07 AM
I have several family members who refer to the Civil War as both the War Of Northern Aggression and the War Between The States. But what really blows my mind is that the go back and forth between doing that seriously and doing it to make fun of themselves. Nothing like a self-aware, sarcastic Southerner. And just for the record, of good part of my family lived in South Carolina in the early to mid 1800s but were insulted by the notion of keeping other human beings as slaves. So there.
Seriously though, that movie sounds blindingly stupid. Do you think it hurt the actors to participate in that stupidity or did it have more of a numbing effect?
Posted by: stardust savant at March 17, 2007 11:14 AM
by god, it took forever just to read the review..the pain of sitting through the movie must be beyond human limits. what are you, dustin rowles? what are you?
Posted by: rob at March 17, 2007 1:21 PM
Oh wow. OK:
1. The phrase "little phantom ass pain" literally made me choke on the mouthful of collard greens I was enjoyin. I ain't lyin, I had just fixed myself a mess of greens and a biscuit and sat down to read a lil before work. What timing.
2. Just when I thought it was safe to chew again, I read Vermillion's MegaSwitch story. Your mother is brilliant, and now I see where you gets it from.
3. I grew up in Alabama, and yes, we use to hear War Between the States all the time, and Northern Agression occasionally too, although the latter was mostly tongue-in-cheek. Mostly.
4. My dad grew up in a dry county in Alabama in the 30s, and every Christmas, Sheriff Hazzeldane Tillman wuld bring by the best of the local shine he'd confiscated throughout the year. I couldn't have made that name up if'n I'd tried to, yall.
Posted by: isabelle at March 17, 2007 5:08 PM
Thanks for going through this for us, Dustin. And for the record:
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Starbuck from BSG - can't remember the actress's name
Alyson Hannigan
Salma Hayek
Jewel Staite, at Firefly weight (yeah, I'm a nerd)
Posted by: Sarah at March 17, 2007 5:32 PM
That movie looks and sounds like a piece of shit, even with the insanely hot April Scott. But I hate how every damn movie in the set in the south has to make it appear as though we all fuck our cousins and only have 6th grade educations. Not everyone down here is a redneck.
Posted by: Caleb at March 17, 2007 7:51 PM
I can tell you from experience, too, that the Civil War is the only thing they teach in history classes in Southern schools, which we attended with no shoes and a wad of tobacco in our cheek...
...The worst part about reviewing DVDs is that there is absolutely no hope that the projector reel will break.
Goddamnit, man, I just had surgery. This review has made my poor stitches ache like hell.
I simply can't tell you how much I love these real-time reviews. I know they are the product of your terrible, terrible suffering; but I do not care a whit about your pain (because you have made my stitches ache).
Please, never stop. It's not like we're ever going to run out of shitty movies for you to RTR.
Posted by: Jerce at March 18, 2007 9:57 AM
a rich mans bruce campbell
Posted by: Gil at March 18, 2007 2:22 PM
Dave Eggers? Seriously? On the same list as Ryan Reynolds? Seriously??!!
Posted by: Irina at March 19, 2007 3:01 AM
Heh, I wear 'librarian' glasses and work as a bartender and I can attest to the fact that 80% of men have some sort of glasses/librarian/secretary fetish... I think they make most of my tips for me :D
Posted by: Zanna at March 19, 2007 12:29 PM
I grew up in Upstate NY, and I was beaten with a switch once. I think I was about 7, and my sister was 6, and I had taken a green branch off one of the pear tress in our back yard (it was really flexible, yikes). I wanted to play a game with my sister to see if she was faster than the switch, so I pulled back and told her to move her hand away as fast as she could on the count of three. So I counted, and I swung the shit out of that thing. Apparently, six-year-olds don't have the reaction time one would hope for, and my sister ended up with a huge welt on the back of her hand. No one could holler like my sister, so my parents came running, and my ass got the nasty part of that switch as punishment.
The rest of the time we got the wooden spoon or a good old-fashioned slap.
Posted by: Kolby at March 19, 2007 1:55 PM
Unbelievable...They aired this crapfest on ABC Family yesterday. Again, ABC FAMILY!! In the middle of the day. Unfortunately I wasn't home to watch, I just saw it that morning while flipping. I would have Tivoed it, but without the nudity what's the point?
Posted by: Brian at March 19, 2007 3:23 PM
Wow. I grew up in New England and am surprised by how readily people on this thread are admitting to having been struck as children. My parents totally slapped me when I was little, but I always feel there's this weird classism around admitting that your parents hit you. I know there's several schools of thought regarding corporal punishment, including one that thinks it's always, always wrong, but I have admitted to very few people that my parents struck me when I was little. Hell, they did in high school, too - I'm among friends here.
My husband, for example, has never been struck. Ever! I was as amazed by that as he was to discover that my parents used to strike me and my siblings.
I was back-handed more often than anything else, sometimes using the from-the-front-seat-of-the-car-without-looking method. Occasionally the belt, but not all that often. My mother whipped a serving spoon at me once and used to routinely chase me around the house.
I still worship my parents, though. They may have slapped me, but they never used psychological warfare (i.e. "No man will ever be attracted to you unless you lose weight" - I have friends whose parents said stuff like that to them!).
Posted by: Samantha T at March 19, 2007 6:25 PM
God, I love this site.
Posted by: vic at March 19, 2007 7:28 PM
LOL. Like Sam T, I was raised in a place where cuffing the lil' ones wasn't completely socially acceptable, even in 1975. So much so that, when my mom came after me with a wooden spoon as punishment for writing all over the fridge with a magic marker (which weren't erasable back in 1975), I called her a child abuser in my little five-year-old kid voice. She never hit me again, and likes to trot that story out every now and then to this day.
Posted by: ranylt at March 20, 2007 8:46 AM
Switches are fine, but my uncle preferred more readily available tools, and used the orange Hot Wheels strips as his weapon of choice. Man, those things hurt! I don't think Mattell officially sanctioned that particular alternate use.
Posted by: Capn Gravy at March 20, 2007 6:18 PM
I remember "Just a Swingin.'" When I was in the 4th grade it was HUGE at my school (in Alabama). Each week on Fridays after lunch we were allowed to bring in 45s to play on the record player. Far more often than not, the student selected to play his or her record would have a copy of "Swingin.'" (or "Maneater.")
The other big thing that year was "Panama Jack" hats, shirts, etc. Does anyone else remember that?
Posted by: Dignan at March 21, 2007 4:33 PM
Umm why has NO ONE mentioned that there was absolutely no need to remake this peice of shit T.V. show, or to make a SEQUEL to the piece of shit remake??!! [???]
Posted by: Duchess of Boredom at March 22, 2007 6:29 PM
Capn Gravy-
Omg, I know exactly what you're talking about! Puahaha... the flexibility factor would make those things hurt like a bitch. AND.. they weren't all straight or smooth (you're talking about the tracks right?); didn't they have sharp little corners sticking out at the ends to connect them to other segments? Yowch.
Posted by: monkey_b at March 22, 2007 7:05 PM
I was raised on the War of Northern Aggression... though i am wearing shoes and i'm not knocked up, so maybe i dont fully comply with the stereotype.
Posted by: Christy at March 23, 2007 9:01 AM
Somehow, tragically, the narrator that you refer to as being so aweful is none other than Bill Lumberg himself. That's right, the comedic genius of Gary Cole from Office Space is wasted on reading such horrible narratives. A real shame, as I tend to love Cole and when it comes to memorable bosses, he is right up there with Steve Carrell and Ricky Gervais from their respective Offices.
Posted by: Dondude at March 23, 2007 11:45 AM
You guys only have five people in your same-sex lists? Pfft! Amateurs.
Posted by: Craig at March 28, 2007 1:41 AM
