Pajiba

Wait, this movie is out? I haven't seen shit about it since the teaser was released a year ago. Not that I care, though. You would have to pay me a lot of money to see this.

Yay! First!...on the DOA column...wait,wait....shit.

Something tells me that this will be playing all over my town theaters. And yet, not one in a 50 mile radius is playing Waitress . Irony is cruel.

the STICKERS.

Wow..... Scathing.

Sorry, but I never roll my eyes at cheap, gratuitous shots of nubile flesh, lest I miss said shots.

The movie is so bad that just the review of it gave me ass cancer!

(Great column, by the way.)

"...sunglasses that can predict the future"? Any relation to the evil bowler hat from Meet the Robinsons? Not only has another bad movie been released into the world, but I'm starting to feel depressed because my mousepad has no larger ambitions.

like bagpipes in a garbage disposal

I love you.

so stupid it would give ass-cancer to lab rats

I want to have your babies.

This is the greatest review in the history of mankind.

Just as Hollywood movies reach new lows, the writing on Pajiba reaches new highs.

Hilarious. You can move into my spare room.

"if you want to see Eric Roberts ever work again, please keep that knowledge to yourself and hide your shame from the rest of the world until you're dead."

You should see his imdb profile. He's got about 8 movies already coming out next year. I can't imagine that any of them could be this bad. I watched this movie for about fifteen minutes before I gave up and turned it off. I never do that (I have a bit of a completionist complex), but for this movie, I just couldn't take anymore. It's as bad as Phillip says it is, and worse. Trust me.

So, what you're saying is I SHOULDN'T buy the special edition DOA: Dead or ALive DVD with Hologram cover?

Spare room, hell. You can move into my bedroom.

If you want bikinied bimbos, get some porn; if you want ludicrous kung-fu violence and its accompanying aesthetic, play the same video game this crap is based on; if you want to see Eric Roberts ever work again, please keep that knowledge to yourself and hide your shame from the rest of the world until you're dead.

Out. Of. The. Park. Hats off to you, sir.

Also, gloom raider: I'm starting to feel depressed because my mousepad has no larger ambitions. Hee! ...On the other hand, my stapler has been looking rather shifty-eyed of late. Keep your friends close, and your anthropomorphic office accessories closer, that's what I always say.

I cannot decide whom I love more: the reviewers or the commenters on Pajiba. This thread has saved a dismal afternoon of legal cubicalism. Thanks for rescuing me.

I want to put you all on my list of five freebies for unapologized for sex fantasies. Oh, and you all would replace Eric Roberts, but he is but a distant memory. I did him when we were both hot, lo those many years ago...

"primordial twats".

I must now go fall on my sword. I will never be the greatest writer alive. Oh, the agony!

Dude.

Eric Roberts rules.

He once said in an interview his sister makes terrible films.

I saw this movie a few months ago and I actually liked it. Now before you go on yelling at me, you have to realize that it was with all my childhood friends that grew up watching the Mortal Kombat movies and we were all getting trashed and pointing out the many parts that they just copied. I guess it would have to be hard to not copy a movie when there both based off basically the same game.

I will have to at least give people the chance to watch it when the mood for a craptastic (albeit a mediocre one) movie hits.

If you want bikinied bimbos, get some porn; if you want ludicrous kung-fu violence and its accompanying aesthetic, play the same video game this crap is based on

Trust me, the video game can do both.

Isabelle, no need to get all cheap on us. Besides, once he's in my spare room I get to amuse myself by slowly seducing him.

* P. Stephens madly stabbing at telephone pad * "Dustin; Phil here. Say, where do you keep that master list with all the e-mail addresses of our readers? ... No, no reason, just curious. Don't mess with me man, I JUST WANT THE FUCKING LIST." *

......mostly those primordial twats who haunt the IMDb message boards..

Thank goodness I am not the only one who feels this way.

should've been DOA-dead on arrival.

^ Rimshot!

Is anyone else having trouble concentrating on this awesome review with the new "Celebitrix" ads on both sides? Man, I don't know what's worse, ambulatory tits, ass cancer, shifty-eyed staplers, primordial twats, or these ads...

I will ignore this negative review and I find Pajiba, most of the time, dead on accurate with reviews. This seriously puts into question my judgement as I watched Ghost Rider on Blu-Ray tonight. Why I accepted the invite contrary to Pajiba's fair warning...

There is NO possible way DOA is worse than Ghost Rider.

I thought Fantastic Four was awful, then I saw Ghost Rider.

I thought DareDevil was awful, then I saw Ghost Rider.
I have not yet seen Elektra but I can't imagine it is worse than Ghost Rider. I refuse to see Cat Woman, but the joke amongst friends after tonights viewing of Ghost Rider was...Cat Woman next week!

Looking at the trailer for DOA, it HAS to better than Ghost Rider.

That should be the TV advertising campaign blurb! "Better than Ghost Rider!"

Sorry no. Not better than Ghost Rider. I think Ghost Rider had some saving graces. The flames looked pretty.

And yes anyone watching this movie can 'effectively cripple their cerebrum'. Walked into the school's AV Room at the end of last term to find some students watching it. (Walked in during some lameass fight scene too. Good lord they couldnt even give me a decent fight scene!)

You can actually feel your IQ just slipping. Sadly it was too late for the students. They were on to the last 10 minutes. The damage was already done. I don't mind watching a little nonsense every now and then (Hell I even put up with Pokemon for my little brothers!) But shit like that just should not be made!

I know someone who owns this. His reply to my raised eyebrows was "it's not actually that bad". I'm never speaking to him again, obviously.

Aaaah, so many "Hee"s in one review - you've thoroughly brightened up my morning.

So....that's a no then?

Honestly, maybe people should just not review video game flicks. Consider them like snuff films. We hear they are out there but have no interest in seeing them or associating with anyone who would.

Why...dear God, why would anyone want to make a film out of a video game that wasn't too big on plot to begin with? I could (barely) understand using material from games like FFVII or Halo, but DOA is a G-d damn FIGHTING GAME! It's not supposed to have a plot except as a thin pretext for beating the shit out of each other! You might as well be trying to write a senior thesis on Gunstar Heroes for the Sega Genesis!

And yet, something tells me I'm going to rent it like that Mortal Kombat movie, and laugh at all the ways the movie parodies itself.

*curls up in the corner, sobbing*

Good Lord, DOA has a 43% rating at RottenTomatoes. Still enough to earn a squishy "Rotten" icon overall, but still - 43%?

..This..exists?
Somehow I'd miraculously evaded knowing til now.
You..bastards, how could you? Dear god.
Were it not for the review being so damned amusing, I'd be quite cross.

Ugh. I was so very certain I'd already hated humanity as much as I could possibly manage, to. Huh. It may just be time to reinstate my hermitism.

This review makes me very pessimistic about the Soul Calibur movie that I hear is supposed to come out at some point. And MrSparkles wins for invoking Gunstar Heroes. Greatest game ever.

I don't understand...DOA? The one starring Devon Aoki etc? It came out in Asia yonks ago. Like...one and a half years ago. And it only just came out in America?

Geez. Time lapse much?

I just looked it up on IMDB, and even the movie quotes don't make sense.

Bass: Tina! It's showtime!
Tina Armstrong: Dad! Not now I'm in my underwear.
Christie Allen: Which I hate. Why can't you just sleep in the nude like me you'll never know.
Bass: Oh my god.
Tina Armstrong: No dad, she's just another fighter we're just sleeping together.
Bass: Yeah I can see that.
Tina Armstrong: No. I mean we're not sleeping together we're just... sleeping.
Bass: Seems to me like my baby girl's found a special friend. We'll settle it tomorrow sweetie. Nice to meet you miss.
Christie Allen: Oh it's Christie.
Bass: Tina's real name's Christina!
Tina Armstrong: Dad!
Tina Armstrong: Thanks a lot bitch.
Christie Allen: Save your strength sweetheart, big day tomorrow fighting daddy.

So being self-consciously stupid is unacceptable for this film, but somehow Crank and it's ridiculous antics are just fine? If I remember correctly, Pajiba's review of Crank went something like this:

"It comes in with no expectations, no pretensions, no star wattage, zero character development, not an iota of intelligence, absolutely no fucking plot, and an originality quotient in the negative numbers. Yet, for a lack of better phraseology, Cranks kicks some sweet, sweet ass."

I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll ever get over Pajiba giving Crank a positive review.