Pajiba

As I've noted here before, the "Witchboard" villain scared me but good.

Thus I'm even more against this project. I know it won't hold a candle. And that was just Really Creepy Guy In The Shadows. I don't think Mr. Bay's movie will go that route (now, I like a big digital wangdoodle too, but it's not, you know, scary).

I really liked the Zohan plot when I read it as one or two sentences. Seeing the trailer with audiences before "Iron Man", along with their reaction, gave me oh so bad a feeling. I still think the pitch itself is a funny idea.

Can someone PLEASE take down the nasty picture of the topless couple on the right side bar? I read this at work and I'd hate for someone to walk by my desk and glimpse that picture. Yuck.

Who knew BP could be funny?

The rest of the column makes me want to run screaming.

Shannon Elizabeth - mildly talented, famous for one scene in American Pie.

Elizabeth Berkley - AKA Jessie Spano, Saved by the Bell, famous for scene in which she is hooked on caffeine pills, also famous or infamous for a little movie called Showgirls.

I liked The Cell. Lopez was tolerable and the movie was really something to look at.

Everything else - Meh. Oh, Shut UP Adam Sandler. Unless you plan on going back to singing "Red Hooded Sweatshirt" anytime soon.

Chiwetel Elijifor? In some Roland Emmerich crapfest?...

LA la la la la la la LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!!

Who knew BP could be funny?

Oh he certainly is. And have you not all seen "Johnny Suede"?

No?

What AM I gonna do with you?

TK is dead inside. TK is dead inside. TK is dead inside. TK is dead inside. TK is dead inside. TK is dead inside.

(I just want to love movies aga-)

Michael Bay: "QUIET, you monkey!"

TK is dead inside. TK is dead inside. TK is dead inside.

Suck a camel's taint will now become my chosen insult for the week.

Although I personally am not into the habit of shoving things up my ass (not that there's anything wrong with that), I just may have to make an exception for the 'Zohan' movie.

And I'll bet that if it was absolutely confirmed, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the apocalypse was indeed going to happen in 2012, the only difference it would make in the movie industry is that ALL the studios would be competing to get their apocalypse 'blockbuster' out to theaters before anyone else just so they could go down in history as -- oh, wait, there isn't going to be any history left after that, is there? Oh, stupid, stoopid Hollywood..

I see the decision to spend today in a fetal ball was well advised.

hmmm...Michael Bay Ouija film or shit myself? The debate for 'which disgusts me more?' rages on.

Researchers just recently came out and said the Mayan calendar has been mistranslated; the apocalypse isn't actually scheduled until 2102. Looks like a lot of hippies are going to have to make long-term life plans after all.

Good Godtopus, Mr. Bay, why do you insist on toturing the viewing public? Also, Burn After Reading looks like it will be my new favouritest movie ever. Brad Pitt and Tilda Swinton in a Dark Comedy by the Coen Brothers? Yes please!

"I thought you might be worried about the security of your shit."

Best line in the whole trailer, along with the rear-end situation stuff.

Good to see John Malkovich in a comedy again.

Mini-Diversion: What's your favorite thing to shove up your ass?

Isn't that obvious? ROBOT COCK!

And why must you taunt me with such awesome sounding trailers (especially for Burn After Reading) when you know I can't see them at work? Now I have to spend another 7 miserable (moreso than usual) hours until I get home to unblocked internet! Dammit!

Very funny trailers. The only problem is after Intolerable Cruelty, I'm a little gun shy on Burn...still, the cast does make me feel better about it. (Coens + Malcovich = ?)

Also, is it bad that I fell asleep during The Cell? I'm sorry, I just wasn't terribly interested.

As for Ouija...which do you think will be a worse movie: that or Monopoly?

Guys, I saw a preview screening of Zohan last week and it was surprisingly pretty funny. And I say that as someone who hasn't liked a Sandler movie since the Billy Madison/Happy Gilmore days.

today started out pretty good, but a quick series of events (this round-up being the latest) have turned it abruptly, rapidly and severly downhill.

estimated time of complete violent crash 1:04 pm EST

all be advised to stay clear of southern NH around then, there is no telling what I may do

(side note: if anybody has somebody they would like to meet an untimely and bloody death, send em up my way after lunch)

Mini-Diversion: What's your favorite thing to shove up your ass?

Can we change that to: "What's your favorite thing to shove up Michael Bay's ass?"

Because I have a lot more answeers for that one.

the only thing worth having this round-up for is so i can watch the trailers...not working. =( poo.

Wow, thank you so much for those trailers.

Zack and Miri should be hilarious. I wasn't a huge fan of Choke as a book, but that looked pretty interesting. And you're right, the Burn After Reading trailer did indeed make the funny parts tingly.

I read Choke about a month ago---thought is was pretty bland, VERY wandering and out-of-focus. I think that in movie form it would have a chance of finding some kind of direction. The premise is pretty interesting, the follow-through was meh.

Oh, and about the rest, just insert random nostalgic whining about how nothing is sacred (beginning with Ouji and ending with Darko).

And Yay Coen Brothers! Even at their worst, they are better than most...

So, Ouija, do you pronounce that "Wee-Ja" or "Wee-Gee"? Wee-Gee was the preferred version during my childhood near Washington DC but every so often we'd get someone who was all "No, it's WEE-JA, you losers". I want to know so I can bash this movie while sounding civilized.

Man do I love Brad Pitt. He just looks like he's having so much fun in that movie. I also love to see Tilda Swinton in things because she's still the celebrity I most closely resemble.

And after visiting that Sex Museum in Prague and seeing things as big as my head that were intended for... "rear entry situations" my answer to the things up the ass question would be nothing. Ever. Never ever. I was mentally scarred.

I hate being the tedious "she needs to eat a hamburger!" girl here, but, damn, Connelly has dwindled to nothing these days. I remember her as much heavier in "Inventing the Abbotts". She's beautiful no matter what, but she's really lost a lot of weight.

Mini-Diversion: What's your favorite thing to shove up your ass?

This reminded me of a cracked.com article about the 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys Ever. I don't remember if it made Pajiba Love, but one of the things on there was a Baby Jesus buttplug, and frankly, that image is more disturbing than bikini hands lady.

I liked Choke. It was a quick read that had its moments.

And I'd watch any Coen brothers film, even Intolerable Cruelty, seventy-five times in succession before I'd watch a Michael Bay crapocalypse movie even once.

What's your favorite thing to shove up your ass?

Satchmo statuette, twice a day whether I need it or not.

I just read the full synopsis for the Donnie Darko sequel and now my soul is dead.

Yesterday I was training a new co-worker while surreptitiously reading pajiba. After she left I noticed nudestock lady was prominently displayed (I'm not bitching about the ads, so don't bring your bitchy back Mr. Rowles). I felt the need to track her down in a room full of people and announce that I do not spend my work time looking at porn--just reading movie reviews.

I really liked The Cell too (though I think I've mentioned before that I'm a sucker for movies that are beautiful-on-the-outside), so I'm pretty disappointed that there's a straight to DVD sequel. That just cheapens shit.
Also - I hate Adam Sandler and don't wish to shove things up my ass.

Y'all can get as pissed of as you want to about the Ouija movie. I am saving my outrage for the eventual Uno® movie and its inevitable sequel, Uno® Wildcard!

Everyone knows you should never shove anything up your ass that is bigger than your elbow.

I am saving my outrage for the eventual Uno® movie and its inevitable sequel, Uno® Wildcard!

They're "re-imagining" that as more of a Go Fish remake, I heard.

I think an Emmy- not an Oscar too smooth- would be good for both Michael Bay and, of course, Joe Francis. Maybe Uwe Boll too?

Brad Pitt is funny. He's got good comic timing and a willingness to be goofy. I actually think he's underated as an actor. It's good to see him quietly cranking out some interesting stuff- Babel, Jesse James Flick, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button...

Hey Burn Notice is coming back!!! It's officially Summer! Yay! (That was rational exuberance.)

I digs me some Sam Rockwell. Not as much as Robert Downey Jr. but there's something hipster cool about both that elevates their movies.

i've sen witchboard! it scared the bejesus out of me, but i was about 6 or 7. terrible terrible movie.

Your Frank and Jennifer links are backwards.

S. Darko? S.T.F.U.
But...it doesn't...the premise....whaaa?
I really wish I wasn't at work so I could curl up with those trailers and believe everything will be alright.

Agent Scully, she's not topless! She's wearing a bra shaped like hands! That's about a million times more disturbing than just plain topless.

I heard that Bay was making a straight to the Adult Video Store film about Scrabble...

Could just be rumor though...

I am saving my outrage for the eventual Uno® movie and its inevitable sequel, Uno® Wildcard!

HA HA HA!

I refuse to dignify the ass ramming question with a response, what me and my Tonka trucks do on our own time is private.

Hey Agent Scully: If you use the Firefox browser, you might want to check out using the Ad Block Plus add-on.

If you did not know Brad Pitt could be funny, you have obviously not seen him in True Romance. Frickin' hilarious! Burn...looks awesome.

As for Zohan, if Adam Sandler ain't in The Wedding Singer, or singing the Hanukkah Song, he blows alpacas. Or Michael Bay....I don't believe MB has ever been photographed WITH an alpaca, so take that as you will.

STOP MAKING MOVIES OUT OF STUPID BOARD GAMES!!!! What's next?
Chutes and Ladders? "You go up, but sooner or later....YOU HAVE TO COME DOWN! "

Candyland? "Want some candy, Little girl????"

Scrabble? "To the Death...for a triple word score!"

Chess? ".......ZZZZZZZZZZ........"

Barrel of Monkeys? "Shove 'em up your ass!"

Another film starring a Ouija board. It could be worse, I suppose - a movie based on the Milton Bradley game Trouble.

::shudders::

"What's your favorite thing to shove up your ass?"

It'd be a little thing I like to call The Sledgehammer. Just let it go at that, people.

Oh God that new Coen Bros. trailer reeks of awesome, awesome goodness.

And is it just me or at times does it look like John Malkovich is trying to do a J.K. Simmons impression?

Shouldn't the Uno flick be a foreign language film?

Now now, "Go Fish" was a good movie! So long...long ago when independent movies tended to be fun to watch.

UNO though, the familial viciousness that that game generates, there might just be something worthwhile in it!

I'm all for a horror movie based on Hungry Hungry Hippos. Nothing cheers me up more than a herd of fat animals eating people.

I think dammitjanet has given us the mini-diversion; proposed taglines for movie versions of board games. I can currently only think of one...

Buckaroo: How much is TOO much?

Twister:How Many Positions Can You Get In?

I think it will be a porn

Thumbs up for all 3 trailers/teasers.

"I thought you might be worried ... about the security ... of your shit."

That and his dance at the end cracked me up.

Twister:How Many Positions Can You Get In?

Can PSH reprise his role as Dusty?

Ooh, fun idea Dill.

Hungry Hungry Hippos: They're Fat, They're Hungry, and They Want to Eat Your SOUL.

The theater company I work with did a show a few years back about board games. It was a satire, and the games themselves were characters representative of certain characteristics. Monopoly was greed. Chutes and Ladders was the fundamentalist perspective of punishment for sin. And Candyland was all about instant gratification. They were governed over by Life. The show was titled Candyland, You Slut!

Taboo: The Heartbreaking Story of Larry Craig's Search for Love and Toilet Paper

Trivial Pursuit: The Yale Years of George W. Bush

Risk: Rule Australia. Rule the world.
Guess Who?: Finding the killer, one question at a time.

Trouble: Something's come along, and it's burst our bubble. Oh no.

Rob Zombie's Operation: Can You Pull Out Her Heart, Before She Pulls Out Yours

Balderdash: Blurting out random bullshit and praying to god people buy it. Oh, apparently Oliver Stone is already making this.

Just put Swinton, Clooney. Pitt and Simmons in one movie and watch me drool. Hell yeah!

Good diversion, but I'm too hungry to play. Mmm...food!

Scene It: Can You Find Lindsey Lohan's Career? (Finding Joshua Jackson's Reanimated Corpse Edition Sold Separately)

Apples to Apples:Dust to Dust-The Hunt For The Zombie Fruit From Hell

Oh my GOD, Apples to Apples is one of my favorite games EVER! I play it every Christmas Eve with my brother and sister.

I likes it, dammitjanet!

Jenga: Tales Of The Mahogany Tower

Pictionary: Doodle To The Death

...and my personal favorite:

Ants In The Pants: Battle For The Crab Kingdom

Hi Ho Cherry-O!: Who will win the heart (and so much more) of the farmer's daughter?

Does Judd Apatow have first refusal on Ouija II?

Burn After Reading is the first movie that has J.K. Simmons in it were I haven't gone "ASS RAPER!!" at the beginning. Spider Man, Juno, hell even No Smoking- my first brain picture when I saw him up on screen was burnt flesh and skinheads. I don't know if I am sad that Oz is finally leaving my mind, or happy that I can now fully enjoy J.K. Simmons without the taint of Vern.

Ah! That reminds me of another diversion and a movie poster I saw the other day:

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: In My Pants!

Dominos:You DON'T Want To Be There When They All Fall Down

Rummy:The Race For Pairs And Runs Of Booze

and of course the sequel-
Rummy II:Gin!

Apples to Apples is the BEST Julie :)

Sorry!

Starring: Nicholas Cage as the red piece, Lindsay Lohan as the yellow piece, Paris Hilton as the green piece, and Jimmy Fallon as the blue piece.

No one had better remake the only good game based movie: Clue!

That movie is awesome and I refuse to believe otherwise.

And have you not all seen "Johnny Suede"?

Damn Jay, that looks like just my kind of movie too. Going on the list...

And speaking of pompadours, Morrissey already recorded the Theme Song for Ouija Board.

seconded Melody!

I have already nominated Clue for a Pajiba Underappreciated Review to Dustin, so I hope to see it up here at some point soon

I had to wait until my officemate went to lunch to watch the trailers. That makes me excited to see three whole movies! Of course, I never actually go to the movies any more, and too often than I care to track, return movies to the video store unwatched...

Oh, and speaking of movies. You Pajibans have ruined me. Due to the bitchiness and scathingness, I find myself uninterested in films I probably would have otherwise been willing to see. Case in point, the new Indy film. When I said to the Main Squeeze, "I've heard it's not very good." He said that was the opposite of what he'd heard and seemed disappointed that I wasn't so thrilled about adding it to the list of movies we plan to see (but of course never do).

Ruiners. That's what you are.

I think we should stop with the board game movie ideas. Uwe Boll might read Pajiba and get an idea to actually make one. The man has no sense of irony.

For me, Nick Cave's small role in "Johnny Suede" is what makes it vital.

It's unclear what's true, but the word was that the (apparently difficult) experience of making it gave birth to "Living In Oblivion", so it deserves some gratitude too!

I wonder if I still have my gigantic "Ouija Board, Ouija Board" poster somewhere. It did get torn nearly in half and re-taped long ago so it might not have survived the last move.

DOS: A Documentary Detailing The Events Leading Up To UNO

WOO-HOO!!! I proposed a mini-diversion!!!

Bingo .... I69....do you? (definitely a porn)

Whist * crickets * wtf IS whist, anyway?

and, uh, just take a look at this, and PLEASE watch the video...I didn't know the Hasbro people followed our Pajiba faith!!!!
http://www.hasbro.com/playdoh/

Case in point, the new Indy film.

Now that's a real Pajiba smear campaign, not that "Sex" brouhaha!

But Rogen and Banks in a Kevin Smith movie? Rogen making a movie with Sandler?
The repertories are coming unglued!

(at least it might turn out well in the first instance)

"Living in Oblivion" = yet another movie begging for a re-watch. That's an interesting bit of trivia.

"For fans of Tarsem Singh's visually stunning but otherwise kind of stupid movie, The Cell..."

Here! What a craptacular movie, and not in the traditional sense of the word. Craptacular because it really is half-crap, half-spectacular.

"Nothing cheers me up more than a herd of fat animals eating people."

Julie, have you ever seen "I Shouldn't Be Alive" on, I think, the Discovery Channel? There's an episode about a camping party that gets attacked by hippos, alligators, and killer ants. I have a fun story about it.

No, but I'm so gonna Geetch.

That show is so awesome. It's like a cross between "Man vs. Wild" and "America's Most Wanted" with cheesy re-enactments of the perilous situations plus interviews with the people who are alive, but shouldn't be...so good.

Ha! My new roommate appreciates silly tv just as much as I do, we will definitely be watching that.

How come it seems that in many circumstances there is a black guy as the president, the world is about to end?! Deep Impact, hello?
And Choke will be most likely one of the summer's dark horses, I will guarantee you.

S. Pisaster, I had not realized she was wearing a hands-bra, either. I think I had been averting my eyes and never looked that closely at the picture. Now, however, I can't seem to look away. **shudder**

S. Pisaster, I had not realized she was wearing a hands-bra, either. I think I had been averting my eyes and never looked that closely at the picture. Now, however, I can't seem to look away. **shudder**

Oops, sorry about the double post. I hit post when I should have hit preview.

Post way up there:

Monopoly would be way worse. I imagine a shitty kids movie starring Robin Williams and lots of bright colored lights.

Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Starring Paris Hilton and as many ravenous hippos as possible.

Oh, people already thought of the hippos. :)

*Build the anatomically correct ant*. (It doesn't have a penis, but it sounds like it should.)
Starring Paris Hilton and as many ravenous anatomically correct ants as possible.

For the record, I saw a screening of Zohan tonight, and it's *actually* pretty funny.

Just keeping it real.

When did Frances McDormand morph into Bess Armstrong?

As for the mini-diversion- Insert a glass test tube, hit with a rubber mallet = a good ass bleed, like the Bay movie just gave me.

As for the game, there used to be a board game called Payday.
So it would be Payday: Cum see the Money Shot

Go: But You Gotta Come First!

Frank Whaley looks great! Just saw him on HOUSE. Difference is he hasn't had surgery like JC.

Frank Whaley looks great! Just saw him on HOUSE..