Pajiba

This movie is so deliciously stupid that I can't HELP but watch it. When Stallone needs toilet paper, so he curses until he has enough citations to wipe his ass? Priceless Oscar-worthy yumminess.

Hell yeah! This was on TBS (home of hangover theatre) last month and I stayed up waaay late watching it. The best part--the oldies radio station that plays nothing but commercials.

"a breathtakingly virile police officer"

I'm sorry I just can't get past this sentence. I keep seeing the scene from The Meaning of Life where the babies keep dropping out of the Catholic woman every 20 seconds.

There are no words to describe my absolute love for this movie. I have three copies. One on VHS taped from the TV, complete with advery breaks one *coughillegallydownloadedcough* copy and one on DVD.

It's the Edgar Friendly monologue on freedom* that does it. And Wesley Snipes' sheer joy at playing a psychopathic maniac. And the crappy attempts at social commentary. And the seashells and the crappy attempt at mystifying some elements of the future that they represent.

Cracking review TK. I will be re watching it this weekend along with The Running Man in a Stupid Action Movie Spectacular.

*reproduced here for your viewing pleasure: [interesting fact - the second hit when googling said monologue was me, commenting on Pajiba, aeons ago (before my blog days) defending my love of said monologue.]

"According to Cocteau's plan, I'm the enemy, 'cause I like to think, I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech, and freedom of choice. I'm the kinda guy that likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecue ribs with the side-order of gravy fries?" I want high cholesterol! I wanna eat bacon, and butter, and buckets of cheese, okay?! I wanna smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section! I wanna run naked through the street, with green Jell-O all over my body, reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly may feel the need to, okay, pal?"

This really is one of the best hangover movies ever. Or it's-1:00-in-the-morning-and-I-just-got-in-and-I-can't-sleep-and-I-just-found-this-container-of-ice-cream-and-a-spoon-OH-GOODIE-! movies.

But you forgot about the knitting. Sure, it's a throwaway moment, but when Stallone starts messing with yarn, then later presents Sandra Bullock with his handiwork and starts going on about how he could do a nice sweater for her, it just totally seals the deal for me.

...that fucking Stallone, a first class douche bag. Tax evading Snipes, you go my brother.

Excess Baggage

Wait a minute. The man responsible for this "gem" was also behind one of my favorite guilty pleasures?

Ouch.

This really is one of the worst/best bad movies ever.

Nice selection.

Okay, let's see if I can kill this conversation.

HA!

okay, got the joke out of the way, moving on...

I haven't been hungover in years, thus I've never seen this. However, it may certainly be worth risking a hangover for.

Do hangover movies also work as drunkenly laughing movies? Case by case basis?

Either way, I think you sold me. But....does Sandra Bullock here win over the also unseen Diane Lane in "Judge Dredd"?

And TK is totally ignoring my baby zebra post. He is definitely born again hard.

This movie has so many eminently quotable lines. I think I may just add it to 'PCU' and 'Airheads' as my ultimate sick-day trifecta.

Judge Dredd never happened.

It NEVER HAPPENED.

Alex, excellent speech recap. But I can't let that go without finishing it, because the closing is great, too:

"I've seen the future. You know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

Love it. I also love when Sandra Bullock not only points out how Sly paused to deliver an awful one-liner ("You're gonna regret this the rest of your life--both seconds of it.") outside the Taco Bell, but admits being turned on by it.

Although, admittedly, Sly was very big and brave in this flick. But not nearly as pretty as sissy-Benjamin Bratt.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Best to quit while I'm (kind of) ahead.

twig...I knew you'd say that.

Great review, TK. I LOVE this movie! Anything with Wesley Snipes has me hooked anyway. "Blade" is my favorite personal "hangover theater" movie.
Have seen it more times than I will admit to ("catch you f***ers at a bad time?").

Pookie:

I thought you resigned? Stop messing with me like this. You're like a country and western song breaking my heart by walking out and then showing up again. And of course I go running to take you back. I need help.

My favorite part of this review? The stellar film credits given behind each actor's name. Fire on the Amazon?!! word!

Don't forget the baby Benjamin Bratt yuminess.

Bev M. best Snipes line in that movie to follow:

The scene...chasing the crispy vamp through the hospital. Security shoots him in his chestiful body armor. He cocks his head, and going ultrasonic with the pitch of his voice, queries of them:

"Mutha'fukka! Are you ooutta your damn mind?!" I replay that 10 seconds 4 or 5 times every time i watch that movie.

Bev...for you
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Inn/1960/catch.wav

...and this one's for me.
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Inn/1960/mind.wav

If you pay attention during one of the scenes near the beginning, another frozen guy is listed as "Scott Peterson". Means a whooooole new thing all these years later.

I am too for enjoying this movies. Anybody curious for where he is now? I hear he's injecting horse-tranquilizers at www.imoldbutillstillfuckingkillyoumillionaire.com. Check him out!

LOVE the review title. All I have to say.

PB, that may be the best Snipes line, but my heart will eternally belong to-

"I'm gonna be naughty. I'm gonna be a naughty vampire god!"

Can anyone explain why I always get this and Judge Dredd mixed up? As I was reading the (excellent) review, I kept wondering why there was no mention of Diane Lane, or Max von Sydow. Is it the Schneider factor that's mashed these two movies together into an epic shitstorm clusterfuck called Demolition Dredd?

Brain hurt now. Brain need beer.

There must be some sort of odd chemical reaction that oozes through my TV screen when Stallone & Schneider are together on film. Because, I CANNOT leave my house or change the channel if I stumble across either Demolition Man or Judge Dredd. I realize that Dredd is so bad it's just bad, but I can't resist. Just. Can't. Resist.

"I'm gonna be naughty. I'm gonna be a naughty vampire god!"

How have I never seen this movie?!

I need to watch Blade ASAP.

Let's go blow this guy!

I effing love this movie. LOVE it. It never fails to amuse me how ALL restaurants are Taco Bell, because, you know, they won the franchise wars.

I would like you to accompany me ... to Taco Bell.

Whoa, wait....late again, Jack FREAKIN'BLACK is in this??? Admittedly, it's been a long ass time since I've seen it, but JEEEEEEZ!

"What happens to be your boggle?"

Come on, how can you not love this movie? It's got Edgar Friendly, Taco Bell, the Three Seashells, Sandra Bullock in her yummy prime, the Verbal Morality Statute...and on and on and on.

Not all films have to be witty and cool and indie, people. There should always be a place for dumb action flicks that make you giggle and manage to make fun of action movie cliches while simultaneously falling into them. I put Demolition Man into the same category as Last Action Hero, another much-maligned early/mid-nineties box office failure featuring one of our two favorite roid-head action stars. Yes, they're "bad" in the sense that they're not going to win any Oscars, but should every film be trying to achieve that ultimate goal? Or should it be okay for some films to be enjoyably bad, winking at the audience while they blow some more shit up? As long as I'm not treated like an idiot (hello, Brett Ratner, you king of douches), I'll continue paying money to see these kinds of movies.

Wow, dammitjanet, I don't remember seeing Jack Black as one of the "scraps" either. Guess I'll have to watch this again soon.

Although does anyone remember seeing Tenacious D in Bio-Dome? It appears that Mr. Black had quite a number of small appearances before his big break getting his freakin' arm blown off in The Jackal.

Not all films have to be witty and cool and indie, people.

Abe, what makes me love this place is that most of us here seem to love this movie, in all its craptastic explosion-y goodness :)

Let's go blow this guy!

"You really matched his meet! You really licked his ass!"

"Why don't we just do it the old-fashioned way?"
"Eeewww, disgusting! You mean...fluid transfer?!"

Hee.

Julie,

I can vouch for Blade I and II, though Blade I is the best, and one of the better comic-book movies that's been made. Blade III is only worth watching for Ryan Reynolds, although it is worth watching for Ryan Reynolds.

I pose the question: What ISN'T worth watching for Ryan Reynolds?

nothing, my friends, nothing isn't worth watching for Ryan Reynolds

wow...that was some interesting grammer....

Also worth mentioning from Blade III is Patton Oswalt's brief but amusing appearance.

...

Shit, I'm not kidding anyone. I love all of the Blade movies. I have all the DVDs and saw all three in the theater. They combine several of my biggest movie weaknesses: vampires, swords, and people who can jump off of very high places and land coolly on their feet.

I saw about 10 gloriously bloody moments of Blade, and about 20 gloriously abs-tastic minutes of Blade III. Somehow though...that's it.

Bethy...ABS(see what I did there?!)olutely.

I just need ten minutes with him...just give me ten minutes.

Julie, I'm gonna take a guess and say that was the first ten minutes of Blade? Oh man, oh man that is one of my favorite opening sequences in a movie ever.

nothing, my friends, nothing isn't worth watching for Ryan Reynolds

Grammar be damned, that's motto material there. This is when I wish I knew Latin.

new Pajiba motto

"(some latin words)...Ryan Reynolds...(some latin words)....ABS....(some latin words)....HOT!!!"

and Julie, not if I get to him first. I can run pretty fast when the prize at the end is that pretty

I think so Twig...where they're all in the club and it starts raining blood and the vampires get all slurpy chompy? Badass.

Julie: What you need ten minutes for, I can accomplish in five. He'll hardly even know I was there...except for the confused grin he won't be able to wipe off of his face all day.

Ah yes, but Feramones what you can accomplish in five I can accomplish MULTIPLE times in ten :)

But Bethy, I'm a dirty fighter, and not at all adverse to hair-pulling, scratching, and bra-strap snapping.

Curses! Foiled again! (and again, and again, and again....)

Can we share? You had me at "hair-pulling".

Twig,

I believe it's "I'm gonna be naughty. I'm gonna be a naughty BLOOD god!"

But agreed, best line.

It's Ryan-Reynolds-Girl-Fight-Sandwich night here at Pajiba!

This was the international poster (I think) featuring Mr. Reynolds, btw.

but see Julie, you already got a cold-dead John Krasinski...so I figure you've had more than your fair share of ill-gotten eye candy

but if you still want to persue my Ryan, I will have you know I have a toolbox stock full of nasty architectural tools at my beck and call

you really don't want to know what I can do to somebody with a lead holder, x-acto blade and a flexible rule

(by the by, how to you get the new fangled HTML tags to work?)

Boogs; IMDB gives it up as 'vampire'. I hope I'm not wrong, I already got chastised once this week for misspelling 'Sysiphisian.'

I thought Jack Black's triumphant debut was getting vaporized by a Martian as Billy Glenn in Mars Attacks! I love that movie.
"They blew up Congress!" [laughs and points]

I must be the one person who didn't get what the hell Donal Logue was doing there and never bought it. Too schlubby to be scary for me, I guess. But I like them more as just "I know both Karate AND Karazy" beat-em-ups, so I probably like III the best. And going back to Passenger 57 I do enjoy Wesley in his "don't you get that I'm the shit??!!?" hero mode. It was funny to see him being the grouch with Jessica and Ryan too.

I thought Jack Black's triumphant debut was getting vaporized by a Martian as Billy Glenn in Mars Attacks! I love that movie.

You even know his character's name?

Kudos for appreciating that glorious redheaded stepchild.

What the fuck is wrong with people???? It's great!!!

I mean........fuck!!!

Sorry, that's about 11 years of resentment I've held onto.

(I know, I know, Jack...I'm an adult, I should just cope)

You wouldn't even believe how long I thought that this movie and Judge Dredd were one in the same. Even today, there are times I have trouble distinguishing certain scenes between the two...

yet, I do honestly enjoy watching both of them.

But Bethy!! Ryan is so warm...and HARD. :p

For the html tags (I have to type it out instead of providing examples, since typing it would only bold or italicize the text): if you want to make something bold, type a greater than sign, then b, then the less than sign, then the text you want in bold, then to close the tag do another greater than sign, backslash, b, then the less than sign. Same goes for italics, except you use an i.

HTML test #1, comencing....now

Julie, thanks for the help! as payment, I will give you slight headstart in the Race for Ryan (its got a name now, so everybody knows we're serious) to give you the impression you are doing well and that boost of self-confidence. Unfortunatly, it will be to no avail, as I have hijacked the MurderTank (keep that bit o' information on the downlow) and we all know that has been souped out to the max and no other land vehicle can match it for speed (or murderous tendacies).

( ok, I apparently need to cut back on the caffine...yikes)

damn! so close......

eventually I will master this, until then, I apologize to everybody in advance for the onslaught of bold and italics that they will be hit with

Oh, the Race for Ryan is ON, and I will WIN.

Why? Because I have a jet pack and a Super Soaker filled with mace.

And you have now invoked the wrath of the Godtopus by stealing the Murdertank...how did you so stealthily take the key from around his neck?

Make sure you close the tag...the first tag is without the backslash, the closing tag is with it. The text should be snugly nestled betwixt the two...like how Ryan Reynolds' face will be in between my heaving breasts when I win the race.

Bethy... I found this page to be very useful. That should help you get the hang of it.

I relayed Manny's story to him, and while he was laughing himself to unconciousness, I ever so carefully slipped the key off

then ran like hell

this will probably end badly for me, but my goal is to violate Ryan in many unspeakable ways before Godtopus smites me where I (hopefully) lay....

you would't deprive a girl of her dying wish, would you?

Thanks TK!

so Julie, if you win (which you won't), you plan on suffecating Ryan afterwards so nobody else can have him? very clever, very clever....

I must say, I was not expecting so formidable a foe....

hey! I did it!!

[does a happy dance]

Could it be that the previously infallible (!) IMDB is wrong??!! Say it ain't so! It's definitely BLOOD god, though (spoken by the immortal [in this case, almost quite literally] Donal Logue).

feromones, Bethy, and my Julie....

Ryan-Reynolds-Girl-Fight-Sandwich = Hot!!!

Continue...I'll just sit back and watch...

You should have been better prepared Bethy, we all know that I enjoy my men any way I can get them...with or without pulses.

Boogs, as someone who's seen Blade more times than I care to admit... I'm pretty certain it's naughty vampire god.

Just sayin'.

Julie & Bethy: I definitely think we should work together on this one. I mean, what if his glorious abs put you in a trance-like state and there's nobody there to snap you out of it?

opportunity fucking wasted.

ahh....but you see, I have already found my way to Ryan's house, drugged him, and laid a complex web of booby (hehe) traps in a 5 mile radius of what I am now calling Ryan and Bethy's House of Passion and Bliss

tread lightly Julie...tread lightly....

TK/Twig,

OK. Now you have me second-guessing myself. Lest this thread turn into a perpetual "yes-it-is, no-it-isn't" pedantathon, can someone check this on YouTube (if they have it) or at home (if they're there right now)? I'm at work, and military network firewalls block YouTube (in case we see something positive about Hillary or Obama or, god forbid, negative about that paean to perpetual Patriotism, the beloved John McCain!).

I'm with Feramones if only because Bethy is totally going to beat me to him, and god dammit I will NOT concede defeat. I'd rather share.

Feramones, you're like King Solomon.

feramones, fear not, I have applied a special "anti-Ryan's glorious abs trance" coating to my glasses

I am now what you call "invincible"

Julie, I think Bethy's just pulling these ideas straight outta her ass.

Plus, I know where they keep the MurderTank's spare. The minute she gets out we can crash the house and kidnap him. Nacho station, martini bar, and hot loving inside an indestructible death machine...is it still kidnapping if the guy doesn't even want to be saved?

TK: naughty umpire god?

wait, you guys are setting up a nacho station and martini bar? well hell....that totally beats my make your own english muffin pizza table....

[sheepishly siddles up to Julie and feramones]

what do you say?
room for one more in the house?
I hear I make an excellent pot roast......

Oh good...the cat fighting's over...and the loving can begin...let me just make sure the MurderTank™'s remote internal video cameras are still working...

is it still kidnapping if the guy doesn't even want to be saved?

NOPE. God bless Stockholm Syndrome.

Ok FINE, Bethy, but that better be a damned fine pot roast. Shadows is going to get hungry while watching us through his viewfinder.

oh, it'll be the best damn pot roast you've ever tasted

now...where do you keep the horseradish....

and since Shadows is in the MurderTank already, think he can run out and get some potatos and onions?

God, I'm so lost I can't tell if the pot roast is some sort of kinky allusion or not.

I'll go get the 'potatoes and onions.' Whatever that is, you freaks.

Okay, fine, sure, I can go get groceries and drinks for everyone (we don't want to return the MurderTank™ to Skitt with its reserves depleted...

but you DAMN WELL BETTER not start without me...

A guy's got to have some standards...I may let you have Julie...but I get to watch...

First taco dip, now pot roast is forever sullied. Yay.

Shadows, we wouldn't dare, we'll even set up a lifeguard chair for your viewing pleasure, complete with ONE card that lets you tag yourself in.

you guys are slowly but surely killing all the foods I know and love....

and Shadows, you better damn well count yourself among the luckiest men on the face of the earth for this, thats all I'm saying

In the sports bar next to the place where I took driver's ed, there was a Demolition Man pinball machine. I wanna go back there and play it now.

PB -- This could go on for awhile!
Deacon: "I'll tell ya what we are, sista, we're the top of the f***in' foodchain!"

Julie -- GO. SEE. BLADE. NOW.

While everyone's busy in the MT...
I loved the scene where they went into the underground and Stallone swapped his watch for a burger, then Sandra Bullock was all 'I don't see any cows down here'. But when Stallone found he was really eating a rat burger he had the courage of his convictions and kept eating (it couldn't have been more unhealthy, and at least the rats would have been free range).

But....does Sandra Bullock here win over the also unseen Diane Lane in "Judge Dredd"?

Sandra high-kicks the hell out of some Mook in her tight-pants San Angeles PD uniform. So, yeah, she wins.

Blade III is only worth watching for Ryan Reynolds, although it is worth watching for Ryan Reynolds.

Jessica Biel in full-on ActionGirl mode, is good, very good.

Oh Bethy...I really, really do. As will all the hipsters I sell the video to.

Just kidding!!!

(You guys will get your cuts, I swear)

Didn't anyone else notice how annnnnnnnoying Sandra Bullock's character was in this movie? Wait. How many N's in annnnnnnnnnoying? Probably not enough.

She grated upon my nerves and I was unable to forgive her until I stumbled upon Love Potion Number 9 on cable one Sunday afternoon. Hangover, anyone? Yeah, baby.

I used to worship Sandra. Seriously. Had ever movie she was ever in, on VHS and on DVD. I liked her.... She was the epitome of cute girl next door with sass. She played that role well. Loved her in When the Party's Over. Adored her in Demolition Man. Worshipped her in Fire on the Amazon (shut up, I'm still a guy). Speed was fantastic. The Net was cheesy but she saved it from being hopeless. Even While You Were Sleeping was a pretty good romcom.

Then she started to relish that role. Doing movies that only were romcoms that showcased that role. She started to become a one-trick pony. No versatility. No challenge. Despite my worship...she was starting to bore me. By the time Murder by Numbers came around, I was already meh'd out on her.

It depresses me, ya know? Now, I don't even know what she's up to. The last straw was Crash. That was just godawful. I mean....awful.

I really don't know why I just said all that...except, maybe to say...just because someone was great, doesn't mean they stay great.

Mental note: don't post on Pajiba when you're half drunk and...otherwise...mentally distracted

If you've ever lived in Japan, you'll be stunned at how Demolition Man mirrors life in Tokyo. Western TV shows are taken out of context (I cringed when a friend there proudly told me she loved "Diff'rent Strokes"). Groupthink abounds, and societal goals seem eerily similar to Cocteau's. It was the first movie I saw that I could use to explain to my friends what living in Tokyo was like. Of course, Lost in Translation later came and trumped the movie, but it is still a guilty pleasure.

Hell, Mr. Dakaron, a beer or two on an empty stomach can really get the juices going. And again, we don't know your name.

YET.

But you've provided very few clues to work with. Clever boy.

Besides, either my Police joke was as bad as I acknowledged it to be, or no one knew what I was talking about, so you're doing okay. Now, if there was hypothetically some appendage of Sandra's that was somehow going to poke out of your neck, THEN I would say "shit, man, I think he's drunk". I think I've only ever seen Love Potion #9, The Vanishing, The Thing Called Love and Miss Congeniality but, yeah, crushable. What if, say, Sandra and Marisa Tomei and Jennifer Tilly all got together for some kind of really good, interesting ensemble thing? That'd be somethin, huh?

Oh and the "kicking mooks in the tight pants" observation is duly noted.

"...What if, say, Sandra and Marisa Tomei and Jennifer Tilly all got together for some kind of really good, interesting ensemble thing? That'd be somethin, huh?..."

Ack...my mind just broke...

Ah, yes, I vaguely remember this movie.

Something about wiping your ass with seashells and having freaky cybersex with motorcycle helmets.

I think that I'd rather be covered in my own cooling vomit than watch this again. Once was enough on my fragile seven-year-old psyche.

Also: wikipedia seems to have a random fucking article about the Demolition Man pinball machine, if anyone's interested in taking a gander.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demolition_Man_%28pinball%29

It comes with the CRYO-CLAW mode, which I'm sure after competing grants you a sweet-ass weapon that comes with the capability of shaking babies and stealing souls.

"...What if, say, Sandra and Marisa Tomei and Jennifer Tilly all got together for some kind of really good, interesting ensemble thing? That'd be somethin, huh?..."

Dancing at the Blue Iguana (2000)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0217355/

When this was first released, I was the spitting image of Sandra Bullock. Unfortunately, she got hotter and I just got older.

The late Nigel Hawthorne admitted a couple of years later that he didn't really enjoy making this movie and only signed on for one reason.
He had played King George on stage in the West End, but thought he wouldn't get the part in the upcoming movie version unless he upped his Hollywood profile. Sad, but true.

"Mental note: don't post on Pajiba when you're half drunk and...otherwise...mentally distracted"

Shadows, that is the best time to post on Pajiba.

He is a cuttie, he is my favorite. I love him. I saw him on"SeekingRich.com"last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship he is looking for on that site.

I am pissed that i dont have cinimax right now! I remember watching this when i was 11. . . oh the memories. The topless, wet blonde that "accidentally" calls john spartan, hello sexual awakening! It's actually kind of sad that a sylvester stallone movie is responsible for my maturing in some fashion. . .

Demolition Man is one of my favorite all time movies. Is it because it is so very socially conscious? Is it because it leads one to think about the human condition and the betterment of society? Is it because of the superb acting, direction, and visualization of the politics of fear and corruption? Has it any redeeming social or artistic value. No, no, a thousand times no! It is just simply just about the most fun movie (well, basically guy movie, I'll admit) of all time. The dialogue is to die for; Edgar Friendly's speech, Lenina's broken one-liners, Garcia's little boy adoration of jingles. Oh, come on! When they start singing Armour Hot Dogs in harmony (sort of), how crazy is that? The sweater knitting, Taco Bell, the three sea shells, "if you would prefer an automated response please press 1". Some movies are just delightful, boneheaded fun which, admittedly, one sometimes has to exert a bit more effort than usual to suspend their disbelief. So, how come Phoenix has to tell Spartan he's standing in gasoline; he can't smell it? Phoenix can really toss a guy through plate glass (or whatever it is) when he can't kick through it? Do you really see cows around in any city (or anyplace else, for that matter; maybe we are eating rats right now)? Whether Demolition Man is so completely over the top on purpose of they just got lucky, who cares! It is a delightful, delicious, guilty pleasure...pretty much like Taco Bell.

What fortuitous chance be this? As I catch up on this weeks Pajiba, home on a Saturday night with a cold, I flip thru my TiVo and great goodly-moogly! "Demolition Man" is on! Thanks you Cinemax!

"They were already dead!"

"is it still kidnapping if the guy doesn't even want to be saved?"

Sounds like the definition of marriage.

"is it still kidnapping if the guy doesn't even want to be saved?"

Sounds like a definition of marriage.

So I am new here, and a little overwhelmed by the comments, so forgive me if someone has already addressed this.

But I hate this movie solely for the fact I have to stare at Stallone's nubbin hanging from the ceiling every time I go eat at Planet Hollywood.*

*I never eat at Planet Hollywood.**

**OK, yes I do.

"Away, you blow them away!"

Ah, how I loved that movie! All these quotes are making me nostalgic, must rewatch.

We never found out how to use the three seashells, either.

"picking up by the neck and crotch"

You actually want to touch Rob Schneider's crotch??