The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
Back in the day, I was once approached by what must have been the only lesbian couple in all of Arkansas and asked to donate my — let’s see, how would Dan Fogler phrase this? — baby gravy. Young, dumb, and flattered as hell, I was happy to do whatever I needed to help this loving mustachioed couple bring a new mullet into the world (sorry, the stereotype fits here), and so I enthusiastically agreed to help out. I didn’t know how it worked, or really what to expect, but my lesbian friend wanted it to be very hush-hush, so she asked me to meet her in a dark, tucked-away part of our college campus, where she’d give me “my supplies.” I didn’t have the first idea what those “supplies” would consist of, but when I met her at the rendezvous point, she surreptitiously handed me a small, brown paper bag and quickly walked away. I felt like I should be looking for undercover cops. After class, I raced home and anxiously opened up the paper bag, only to find an empty baby-food jar inside and instructions to fill it and drop it in her mailbox after dark.
She was gonna turkey-baster my baby gravy!
Of course, I obliged, and when it didn’t work, I obliged again. After a couple of tries, however, I suppose they decided it was the goods that were defective and not the tools (joke’s on them!), so they moved onto their next candidate, thus preventing ‘Lil Pajiba from entering the world a decade too early (man, was that a bullet dodged). Anyway, I bring you another tale of my illicit past because Josh Gordon and Will Speck, the directing duo behind the hideously unfunny Blades of Glory are mining the comedic gold behind this premise for a movie called Baster (call me guys if you need a consultant or, you know, a bullet in the head). Actually, the script will be based upon a short-story from the author with Pajiba’s Greatest Book of the Generation, Jeffrey Eugenides and, instead of a lesbian couple, it’ll be about a 40-year-old unmarried woman who decides to use the turkey-baster method and sperm from a married friend. The Farrelly Brothers were originally attached, but I’m assuming they realized the premise didn’t have 90-minutes of comedy in it, so they handed it off to the two fellas who couldn’t possibly make anything less funny than Blades or their soon-to-air television show, Cavemen.
In a completely unrelated item, Anna Faris has been pegged to play Linda Lovelace in a biopic of her life, entitled Inferno. For those of you unfamiliar, Linda Lovelace started out her acting career in a couple of bestiality flicks, entitled Dog Fucker and Dogorama before going on to star in the seminal (!) porn chic flick,Deep Throat. Afterwards, of course, Lovelace went on to become a leading anti-porn advocate, claiming that she’d made Deep Throat only because her husband, Chuck Traynor, had held a gun to her head, a notion largely disproved in the documentary, Inside Deep Throat. Mathew Wilder is set to direct. And personally, I like Anna Faris, though she’s never made a movie I enjoyed (if you don’t count her supporting role in Brokeback Mountain), and I’m curious as hell as to whether Farris will claim in the film, as Lovelace did, that she had a clitoris in the back of her throat — can you imagine eating Grape Nuts with one of those?
[Aside: Many of you have complained in recent weeks about ads on our site for the likes of Anne Coulter and Newt Gingrich, asking why we’d allow them to advertise here. Those ads are automated by Google — Google scans your page and delivers ads it thinks are relevant to your text. For some reason it believes that we are a site sympathetic to right-wing crazies. I mention this only to preempt the inevitable complaints with regard to whatever ads Google sends us after scanning “Dog Fucker” and “Deep Throat” from this page.]
Elsewhere, in news that has absolutely nothing to do with sex, James Gunn — the director of the phenomenal Slither, as well as the Tromatastic Tromeo and Juliet — has signed on to direct the Ben Stiller produced Pets, about a man that is abducted by aliens and made to serve as their … well, pet. And while Gunn also has Dawn of the Dead’s script to his name, he’s also written the two Scooby Doo movies. So, I have no idea where that puts us, but since Stiller is producing, I’m going to tip the scales toward no damn good.
To update an item we ran a few months ago, George Miller — director of Happy Feet, Babe: Pig in the City and Mad Max — has been hired to direct the Justice League movie. Still no names have been attached to star in the roles of Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, and Aquaman, though the film is almost certain to not only disappoint, but to dilute the value of Christopher Nolan’s resurgent Batman franchise. And honestly, all I care about is whether the Wonder Twins will appear.
Out on DVD this week is the two-disc, rated or unrated version of one of the year’s better movies, Knocked Up. I don’t buy a lot of DVDs, but this is one that will most certainly be part of my collection. And who else thinks that Apatow should make a buddy-cop flick starring Haverchuck (Martin Starr) and McLovin (Christopher Mintz-Plasse)? How good would that be? Evening will also be released today, not that you should care.
In the trailer watch, when you make one of the great cult flicks of all time (Donnie Darko), I don’t advise waiting five or six years to make your next movie: Expectations will be high, and you’re almost certain not to meet them. And when your movie stars The Rock, Justin Timberlake, Sean William Scott, Sara Michelle Gellar, and freakin’ Jon Lovitz, you may as well bend over now and await the critical and audience spanking you’re about to receive. Damn, Richard Kelly. We had so much hope. Here’s the trailer for his DD follow-up, Southland Tales — and I’m sorry to say, it looks like a very well edited trailer for a very bad straight-to-DVD flick.
Finally, I wanted to thank you all for playing our nonprofit comment diversion last week. It appears that Doctors without Borders is the winner of our $250 contribution. I’d wanted to start a small fundraiser on the site, but the logistics of doing so with that particular organization doesn’t seem plausible — at least in a way that we can track it and offer tax receipts (as opposed to Heifer, which had a wedding-registry style setup). So, I will just encourage you all to donate directly to Doctors without Borders, an exceptional nonprofit organization that delivers emergency aid to people affected by armed conflict, epidemics, natural or man-made disasters, or exclusion from health care in more than 70 countries. You oughtn’t need our prompting, I reckon, to contribute to a very worthy cause.
Whiskey Baby Ninja Star T-Shirts on Sale
Eastern Promises |
| Pajiba Love 09/25/07
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Comments
Evening will also be released today, not that you should care.
Ahahaha. That made me laugh.
Posted by: Gudrun at September 25, 2007 2:40 PM
Oww.
OWW!
Trailer Watch makes my head hurt!
How in the hell can something look so amazing and inevitably god-awful at the same time...
OWW!
Posted by: jonr at September 25, 2007 2:41 PM
I kinda think Southland Tales looks decent. Shoot me?
Posted by: Helcat at September 25, 2007 2:45 PM
I never saw "Deep Throat," but wasn't the clitoris-in-the-throat idea part of the plot? I never realized Linda Lovelace said she had one in her own throat.
That trailer looked interesting until I saw "The Rock" as a lead, and Justin Timberlake as part of the cast. I just can't take them seriously.
Great choice on Doctors without Borders. I need to get out my checkbook.
Posted by: rlr260 at September 25, 2007 2:57 PM
Presumably that Ben Stiller sure-to-be-a-debacle will feature Jane's Addiction Pets as the theme song?
Posted by: fenchurch at September 25, 2007 3:07 PM
You forgot to mention that Southland Tales features Bai Ling: the Absolute Queen of Crazy
Posted by: Renee at September 25, 2007 3:09 PM
fenchurch: I wouldn't be surprised if the whole movie was inspired by that song.
Posted by: Kt at September 25, 2007 3:21 PM
Sigh...I'm actually looking forward to Southland Tales. It looks, well, nutso and probably too ambitious for its own good, but I'll take that over unambitious and unmemorable any day. Plus, I really really love the similarly unloved "Nowhere" by Gregg Araki, and this looks like a bigger, even crazier version of it. But I'll probably be alone in the theatre again, just like I was for Grindhouse and The Invasion, two recent movies which I also enjoyed even though I sort of knew neither critics or the box office were really backing me up (except for the critics here, now that I think of it).
Posted by: be right back at September 25, 2007 3:46 PM
God, I'm hoping so hard that Southland Tales doesn't suck. I want it not so suck so much. I mean, come on, post Apocalypse LA? A weird mix of A Scanner Darkly, Blade Runner, Strange Days and The Hard Way? This could be the greatest film ever, or at least, to borrow the AV club's terminology, a secret success or awesome fiasco. But that cast. That fucking Cast...
Maybe, just maybe, it's just bad luck that the Rock hasn't been discoverd as a great actor. And Sean William Scott. And Mandy Moore. And Sarah Fucking One Expression For Seven Years Of Buffy Michelle Gellar. And Justin Timberla... fuck it, man. fuck it.
Posted by: Withnail at September 25, 2007 3:56 PM
We'll make great pets.
(... and screw you, Pajiba, for introducing me to 'Zero Effect' and the eternal reminder that somewhere, sometime, Ben Stiller could fucking act!)
Posted by: twig at September 25, 2007 4:22 PM
"Sarah Fucking One Expression For Seven Years Of Buffy Michelle Gellar"
LOVE IT!
Posted by: Agent Scully at September 25, 2007 4:51 PM
Ha! And that produced for text including 'dogfucker' and 'deep throat' is for.....
.....Days Inn!
Posted by: Jen at September 25, 2007 5:08 PM
I am glad that the Rock is getting top billing in the film but at what price?
And for the record I think that Gellar is one of the best actors around. Not consistent in terms of quality mind you (the Grudge left me limp). But when she is on it's magic.
Posted by: Mr. West at September 25, 2007 5:18 PM
I actually liked that trailer, and am kind of excited about the movie. The cast is really heavy on the WTF factor, but somehow it only... like... accentuates the apocalyptic ridiculousness.
Then again, even though I really liked Donnie Darko, I wasn't giddy with anticipation of Kelly's next offering, so I don't have all that shattered fanboy expectations angst.
Posted by: greebo at September 25, 2007 5:24 PM
While I love Donnie Darko, I think it's more a happy accident than real genius. Watch the director's cut and listen to the commentary. Kelly had no idea where he was going and the more he talks the more grateful I am that it turned out as well as it did.
Posted by: alone in the dark at September 25, 2007 6:31 PM
Oh, Alone in the Dark - I wish I had found you sooner, then I could have told you, as I tell everyone - DO NOT WATCH the director's cut or listen to the commentary. It will ruin the movie and suck all the joy and mystery out of it.
Posted by: TK at September 25, 2007 6:51 PM
Sarah Fucking One Expression For Seven Years Of Buffy Michelle Gellar
Christ on a cracker, I thought I was the only one who felt like this. I have an irrational hate for SMG, and it is only exacerbated by the 2nd coming status attributed to her because of Buffy.
So it's Dwayne Johnson now? Heh, okay. Still fabulous eye candy, though. Particularly in the tank with the tattoos (those are real, no? or just for the movie?). Yep, still tappable.
Lastly, Justin Timberlake and his annoying effeminate voice continues to get acting work because......?
Posted by: Daphne at September 25, 2007 7:15 PM
Wow. I had no idea that Mandy Moore was in this film and that Moby did the soundtrack. I am sooooo seeing this movie. I don´t care if it sucks. I managed to sit through all of Spiderman 3 without throwing things at the screen back in May, so I´m sure I can handle this one too.
Posted by: Tallsonofagun at September 25, 2007 7:28 PM
I'm with Daphne, I'll watch Southland Tales just for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson because... hot. Very hot. And I was't overly impressed by Donnie Darko, so my expectations aren't insane just kind of "huh, that was a slick piece of film making, I wonder if he can do it again".
Eye candy, it's why I saw 300, and why I'm willing to hook up with a 20 year old who's kind of a jerk. I'm a sucker for built men.
Posted by: Genny at September 25, 2007 7:37 PM
Let us all not forget that the last movie that Seann William Scott and The Rock were in together was the ridiculous The Rundown, a horrible movie on all counts.
At least Bai Ling is wearing clothes.
Nothing about the Kite Runner movie?
Posted by: Melody at September 25, 2007 7:39 PM
I here Jessica Biel is being cast as Wonder Woman. I was thinking Scarlet Johansen for that role, but maybe she would be better playing the Wonder Twins... with Matt Damon, I mean. How about Gael Garcia Bernal as Aquaman?
Posted by: JP at September 25, 2007 7:40 PM
Dustin - it's 8pm on a Tuesday, where is our comment diversion? I need my Pajiba crack. (science is not going well for me today, I do not want to be doing science right now)
Posted by: s. pisaster at September 25, 2007 7:56 PM
Daphne- I'm in your corner on both the anti-SMG and pro-Rock fronts.
Mrs. Freddie Prinze Jr. wears the same fuzzy, open-mouthed look in almost every movie. I guess it suits the Buffy franchise and J-horror, but beyond that, I dunno. Crappy range.
I heart The Rock. Foxy and yet manages to not sound like a total douche in interviews.
As for the movie, I'll go see it mostly for how totally wack "Darko" was and to support an RVA native son.
Jessica Biel as Wonder Woman. Holy smack.
Posted by: Alabamapink at September 25, 2007 8:54 PM
Was I the only one who saw Justin Timberlake and thought, "How long has this movie been on the shelf?" I may be wrong here and it's just makeup, but he looks like he did during N Sync. Early N Sync. I mean, I don't follow his career or anything, but either he grew out his hair without anyone showing me, or he's wearing a wig that looks exactly like his own hair from 6 years ago.
Posted by: Sarah at September 25, 2007 10:48 PM
Put me on the board as another one who thinks "Southland Tales" looks pretty awesome. Crazy trailer, crazier cast, from the guy who directed "Donnie Darko"? Yes, please.
Posted by: JenW at September 25, 2007 11:24 PM
Southland Tales....this looks abyssmal. Sarah Michelle Gellar, John Lovitz, Cheri Oteri.....John Laroquette! Is this a cast, or a "What Happened to my Mediocre Career" convention?
But .......this IS the long-awaited onscreen reunion of Sean William Scott and the Rock -- although, really....what could possibly top "The Rundown'?
Posted by: Finn at September 26, 2007 2:12 AM
Hurrah! People who share my view on SMG, I knew Pajiba was my spiritual home for a reason.
It's the lips slightly open, eyebrows raised in upset/confusion, eyes wide, head tilted down look that makes me want to smack her. Repeatedly.
Trailer watch made my soul sad.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at September 26, 2007 4:53 AM
Wow, Southland Tales looks craptacular. And what the hell is Miranda Richardson doing in it? That makes my heart break a little.
Posted by: Thompson Twin at September 26, 2007 6:20 AM
I've been looking forward to seeing Southland Tales. I don't know what it is but there's something in me that wants to believe Dwayne Johnson (I like that he's not billed as the Rock) MIGHT one day be a good actor. He's shown flashes of it and one must admit he is charasmatic as hell. (He and V. Vaughn were the ONLY good parts of Too Cool). I remember reading something somewhere that he was supposed to be doing some kind of biopic of King Kamehameha, but haven't heard anything recntly. THAT I would like to see.
...plus...Wave of Mutilation???? OMFG!! I feel like it's 1992 again and I just stole a CD from The Wall.
Posted by: PissBoy at September 26, 2007 8:50 AM
I kind of the love The Rock and I don't know why. I have a thermos shaped like his head and it is my favorite thing to drink beer out of.
Posted by: Elle at September 26, 2007 12:56 PM
I have a thermos shaped like his head and it is my favorite thing to drink beer out of.
You are my hero.
Posted by: twig at September 26, 2007 1:16 PM
Afterwards, of course, Lovelace went on to become a leading anti-porn advocate, claiming that she'd made Deep Throat only because her husband, Chuck Traynor, had held a gun to her head, a notion largely disproved in the documentary, Inside Deep Throat.
Exactly how much of Inside Deep Throat did you watch? It can't have been all of it as it does nothing of the sort.
Linda Lovelace also didn't say she had a clitoris in her throat, her character in the movie did.
Posted by: Opaque at September 26, 2007 1:31 PM
I'd just like to chime in for the Donnie Darko lovers out there: do not be seduced by the Director's Cut. It clearly shows that the director does not deserve as much credit for the movie as do the editors. I loaned my original copy out and my boyfriend at the time gave me the director's cut to replace it. I was all excited and tried to use it to introduce someone to the greatness of the movie with this copy. The whole time I was like, "Ok, this part isn't like this in the original...they used a different song here...this scene was much shorter.." It turned into an apology for that version. Can't wait to get my original back.
Posted by: tinmo at September 26, 2007 10:07 PM
